Maybe that longing is for a reason

Maybe……..... there is a reason I still desire a best friend, even in the midst of having several close friends. I know I have talked about this before and how I have considered that I am simply not meant to have that special bond with someone. But maybe I was wrong? Maybe a part of the reason I don’t have a “best friend” is rooted in some things deeper than all of my “bffs” having their own #1 best friend. Maybe one or two of my close friends also doesn’t have a top bestie, but most do. I think a huge reason as to why I don’t have a #1 bestie is because of fear, which unfortunately seems to be my stronghold in life. My mind always likes to go to the worse scenario, even though I am quite the idealist. For example, because of having lost more than one pet young and suddenly, I am afraid that all of my dogs will die tragic deaths. It plays over and over in my mind and it’s hard to push the intrusive thoughts out. I try my best to shower my dogs with as much affection as I can each day just in case it’s my last moment with them. After Robbie’s job had two workplace fires a week apart recently, I worry that I will lose him to fire too. Fear is awful and I wish there was more awareness on how it is hard to get rid of. hmmm….

Ok back on topic, when it comes to friends, I always worry that I am one step away from pushing them all away from me. One step away from being too broken for them. One step away from being easily forgotten. Part of this I know is rooted in some experiences I have had, such as toxic former friendships and betrayed trust. Years of being told I wasn’t good enough, that I was dumb, fat, ugly, etc. So I guess it kind of became natural for me to assume that was what everyone thought of me. Just like my fear of fire and death goes back to an incident that occurred when I was only 2 years old. It’s apparent to me that in order to overcome my fears, I am going to have to constantly give them over to Christ. I thought once or twice would do it, but maybe it needs to be a daily thing for me. It is something I am going to work on and I would love your prayers too if you don’t mind. So it’s obvious my close friends that I have now actually like me because they go out of their way to encourage me, give me gifts, and they are relationships where both parties edify the other, showing love and selflessness. It is wonderful and I am still getting used to the concept. So, I am not afraid of being myself around these friends because they all already know me pretty well, even some of my deepest secrets and struggles, and yet they still like me. Who would have thought? Really cool huh?! As I know it is the same for you, your close friends adore you and all of you.

So where does the fear factor in then? Well it shows itself in making new friendships. I am quite comfortable with the friendships I have now had for several years because they are well rooted and nurtured. But new friendships are terrifying. Remember the person I wanted to get to know better but the feeling wasn’t mutual? Well I feel that a lot. I do experience a lot of rejection from others, even Christians, when I simply say hi to them or try to be friendly. And I mean in places where building friendships should be safe, such as at Church. A month ago I was volunteering as a greeter at my church and I was having a great time until someone refused to hug me or shake my hand. She made an excuse, but proceeded to kindly greet everyone else around me. That hurt, more than I would like to admit, and it reaffirmed my belief that I shouldn’t try and reach out/ make new friendships because I will be wasting my time or just end up hurt. I know this isn’t the way to live, in fear of the what ifs… but I also know all of you experience this fear in some capacity. It is why anxiety, loneliness, and suicide are on the rise in our society. We swap out meaningful relationships for supernatural ones. And perhaps after you reach a certain age, you don’t really need new friends. Who knows? It’s just, I am a person who is always willing to get to know someone new. I want to experience the whole body of the church and everyone’s stories and experiences are precious to me. I value communion.

The friendship of Johnathan and David in the Bible has always stuck out to me. They have such a close, special friendship. A friendship like any of their others, and it is one that glorifies God. They care deeply for each other and want to see the other succeed in their walk with Christ. Maybe, that type of friendship is still possible today? Maybe my longing for a #1 best friend isn’t so silly after all. Maybe, it is what we are meant to have all along? I know my heart is full after talking to and/or spending time with any of my besties, so how much more would be if I had one where we were each others #1? Or maybe my longing is rooted in the need for relationship outside of just family and marriage, and with busy schedules it is so hard to keep up with close friends (and believe me I am guilty of not keeping in touch). But I really think if we are supposed to have friends that sharpen us, edify us, and keep us accountable, than maybe it isn’t such a far reach to want one friend that is your specific go to. I definitely always want to have the close friends I currently have and I am blessed to have them. But I think you get what I mean. Maybe we all are meant to have a special friend that we are committed to and go out of our way to talk to more and check up on more. Maybe this one friend holds us accountable and helps keep us in line and vice versa. Maybe this one friend shares  a special connection with us and together as a duo they help each grow closer to Christ. They help each other have happy marriages and motherhood by being the main shoulder to cry on.

Upon doing some research earlier, it appears that many Christians desire deeper intimacy (and I’m not talking sexual here) in their friendships, but they feel they don’t have the time for it. Or they fear it won’t work. It seems fear seems to harass people other than me, unfortunately. But on the bright side, I think this longing for deeper relationships we have can be a sort of revival. After all, God calls us to care deeply for our spiritual brothers and sisters. Maybe the special friendships we have with them can be what points others to Christ. Both because of how the bond is unbreakable and because the bond causes each person to have support to become the best version of their self they can be as they are sanctified and become more like the image of Christ.

I promise I am not always down on myself, like I have been in some of my recent blog posts. I do like aspects of my personality and I’d like to think I have some spiritual gifts that would benefit other believers and vice versa. I also think I would make a great #1 bestie for someone, and that there is one who would make a great one for me too. I also believe it is good to have more than one close friend, so why not have both?! Maybe my #1 bestie is one of my besties and I don’t even realize it. I am going off of assumption that they each have their own #1 best friend. But there is potential for any of them to become my #1. And even if that never happens, we all will still be close friends because the friends I have now are more valuable than gold and will always be special to me. It’s also possible my #1 bestie is still someone I have yet to meet.

So I am going to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone and take risks. Even if I am scared on the inside, this coming year I want to make it a goal to be open to new relationships. I also want to deepen the current ones I have and to continue to nourish them. Who knows what this 2020 has for any of us? I also want to encourage you to know your worth. Know that you are worthy of having great friends and that you are treasured. Be brave this coming year with me. Be brave and take risks. Get to know people. If we continue to live in fear we miss out on one of the biggest blessings and joys God has for us in this life : relationships. Take care and God Bless. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! See you all in 2020! <3

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.   Proverbs 27:9 NIV

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20 NIV

 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 NIV

We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete. 1 John 1:3-4 NIV

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NIV

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 NLT

Right Here, Right Now

Two of my girls being twins hehe

2019...wow, what a year…. And I don’t mean that in the most positive way. In fact this year may have been the most challenging yet in my life. But before I talk about that some, I want to share a cute memory that the song I am currently listening to reminds me of. The song “Right Here, Right Now” from the High School Musical 3 movie. This song brings me back to when I was 15 years old interning at my old elementary school every Wednesday (my school CAHS had a special program where every upperclassmen did an internship on Wednesdays until the last month of school) with my good guy friend/ everyone considered us dating even though it wasn’t ever “official”. I had gotten to a place where I was content just being a good friend of his and we would just spend the hours talking to each other about life while we did different tasks for the teachers. The teacher I shadowed was my all time favorite teacher, Sra. Brick. She believed in me when I was too shy to speak up in second grade. She helped build my confidence and she kept going up a grade for a few years so that she could keep me and my best friend, Karla from El Salvador, together in the same class. She went out of her way to make sure I had the tools I needed to succeed. She also knew we needed each other as Karla was new to America and learning a completely new culture. Sra. Brick is a huge reason why I enjoy teaching and want to eventually become a full-time teacher.

So ya, back to that ole’ crush haha. I never admitted it to him and he never admitted it to me, but everyone knew. It was kind of obvious, but is was innocent and sweet. When we were together I just wanted to think about the “right here, right now”. I will never forget him, even though we had a major fight that forever ended our friendship. Even though his family didn’t like me because I wasn’t “white”.He taught me a lot of things too and while he made me upset sometimes, he too helped me learn to have confidence in myself. He wouldn’t let me stay shy and timid in high school. He was determined to pull me out of my shell and he really helped me. Sometimes I wish I could remember to think about the “right here, right now” more often instead of worrying about what tomorrow brings, like I was able to do back when I was a kid. I believe that as I grow in my relationship with Christ, it will become more natural to let go and let God take the reigns. He has gotten me through so so many things, so I know I can rely on him.

This past year I am going to be honest, was tough. As much as I strive to be a strong Christian who never takes her eyes off of Jesus, I definitely felt myself stumble quite a bit. I haven’t been in the Word as much as I should be. I have been spending too much time on things distracting me from my circumstances instead of running right into God’s arms. I have focused way too much on my shortcomings and also lost my zeal for life at times too. It definitely became going through the motions a lot of the time between all of the deaths (THREE, THREE deaths in 2019.. No wait FOUR including my great aunt Doris), days my chronic illnesses were debilitating, finding out some of my immediate family have health conditions we didn’t know about, and the stress. So much so that I even began thinking is this it? Am I ever going to get back on track again? Will I forever be a train wreck who just falls further and further behind. Will Jesus finally say he has had enough and leave me to my own devices? As tempting as it has been to just hide away from everyone, I still feel God pulling me to Him. I still hear his whispers that He is with me wherever I go and that He loves me. I have a husband who works tirelessly to make sure I remember my worth, along with the best friends I could ask for. It sounds cheesy but it’s true. Without the special people God has perfectly placed in my life, I don’t know if I could keep on. It is so true that he provides who and what we need. My only hope is that I can be half as great of a spouse and friend that they have been to me. I mean last Saturday I spent the day with three friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time. It had been two years since I had gotten the chance to see Brittany, a little over a year since I got to see Melinda, and yeah two years since I saw Caitlin. I barely texted Melinda over the past year and I don’t think I texted Caitlin at all. I talked to Brittany a bit more, but not much more. I usually strive to check on my friends way more than I did this past year and yet, they didn’t mind. When I saw them, it was like old times. They gave me thoughtful gifts and made sure I felt loved. What did I do to deserve them? I definitely want to make sure I am a better friend this coming year. I thought they would eventually forget about me because I wasn’t staying in touch as much as I should be. But they have always stuck with me thick and thin. All of my best friends have. Kristin, Sarah, Brandy, Katie, Destiny, Vicki, Angela, and all others. I am beyond blessed.

In 2020 I definitely want to get back on track with spending quality time with Jesus and spending more time reaching out to my precious friends. I also want to fall in love with myself again. This year I have hated myself a lot. Hated how much I keep making mistakes. How much I am sick with migraines and seizures. Hated how I can’t drive and how I sometimes have to rely on others, when I would like to be the one helping. If my husband and friends can see good in me, and they stick around, then I must have some redeeming qualities. I can’t think of any good personal attributes, but I am thankful to have people who believe in me. Maybe in 2020 I can find out more about what makes me “special”. I do know in 2019 I finally came to terms with a part of me that is hard to share, but it makes me “me”. I really believe this self realization helps me make sense of my world and helps me relate to others who have it too. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it much as it is quite personal, and while I am an open book, some things are best kept to a few people. But if I ever do feel called to share, I will. I have struggled with the possibility for years and years and I finally am at peace just knowing. It doesn’t change me, I am still me. In 2020 I also hope to have some more adventures with Robbie, my dogs, and my friends. Some traveling with the hubby and dogs, and maybe a ladies trip too?!? I believe 2020 will be a better year, I just need to ride out the storm and let Jesus hold me. I all too often try to fix everything myself (yes I am stubborn but I get it from my dad ;) ), so starting today I am handing it over to Jesus.

2019 Wasn’t completely a bust either, so I want to reflect on the good blessings I experienced this year. I was blessed with an online teaching opportunity which has been amazing. I adore the children I get to teach and I believe this experience was a gift given to me by God to show that teaching is the career direction I am supposed to take. I am excited to see where it continues to go! Also in 2019 I got to see my besties Kristin and Kyle in North Carolina. Over the summer Robbie and I spent our three year wedding anniversary in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, and it was my first time there. We took all four dogs and it was so much fun! We stayed in a beautiful log cabin and had our own private hot tub. I love to explore so I can’t wait to travel more. God kept my dog safe when he was loose for two weeks after he escaped my friend’s house. God also gave my hubby a raise and from the sounds of things my other job may be giving me a raise too. I had my favorite actress retweet me a few times on twitter too (Yael Grobglas). My blog post I made a year ago about being a Christian with Chronic illness has touched almost 2,000 people! So I can’t say it was a completely terrible year. It was hard though, but I know it can only get better from here.

So why did I just share all of this? Well I know others have had a hard year too. For some 2019 was their year and I am overjoyed for them. But for others like me, it involved loss, hurt, death, sadness, sorrow, sliding, etc. I want you to know you aren’t alone and to not be afraid to turn to your friends because if you’ve got true ones, they will help you through. Also please ask God to help you through. And don’t stress if you aren’t keeping up as much as you should be. Rather let God and those he was placed into your life hold you. Those special people will be who keep you from falling too far. If you don’t have many friends, go ahead and ask Jesus to bring some into your life. About eh, 7 years ago or so I was sad because I didn’t have many friends after removing some toxic ones. But, he answered my prayers and my heart is full. If there is someone you’d like to get to know better, don’t be afraid to get to know them. Just be sure to guard your heart and understand not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is worthy of being called a close friend. And that’s okay. Last year I met a woman who I had to have in my life. I would have done anything for her to be my best friend because she seemed perfect. She had her life together, was confident, and beautiful. There was just something about her that I will never forget. But despite how I tried to become friends, it was clear she didn’t have the same desire. Don’t be me. If someone is meant to be your friend they will put in an effort without having to be chased. God will give you who you need and they will need you too. It’ll be a beautiful balance. Just look at my good friends? I am just me and they love me. I still don’t know what they see in me, but they love me and I love them too. Each of them are wonderful. Let God pick those who are special in your life and you won’t be disappointed. Also take time to remember what blessings you do have.

P.s. whenever I struggle I remember my favorite song from middle school called “What if” by Jadon Lavik. Here is a link to it. It is a beautiful song about God’s unfailing love <3


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx32YIm6v5c




The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV



A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17 NIV




Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV




The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV


How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! Psalm 133:1 NIV

It Shall Be pt.2

The first part of this blog post I focused on how life sometimes disappoints and we don’t know why God allows some circumstances to happen. I shared about losing some treasured friendships, struggling with my illnesses, and some other things I just don’t understand “why”. I was very open about some of my hurt I have experienced in life because I believe my openness will help someone else who is hurting perhaps in silence, or who just can relate and needs to know they aren’t alone. Today I wanted to follow up with some ways that God has shown despite the brokenness in each of our lives, his will is good for us and He will come through. I want to encourage you that why hurt, trials, etc. are inevitable in this lifetime, the good God has for us will prevail. He is bigger than anything we have gone through, are currently going through, and will go through.

Every day I wake up in awe and so thankful that God made a way for Robbie and I to be home owners. Rent was going up so high everywhere and we just knew with student loans and debt we needed to find a way to live somewhere more affordable, but still safe. Growing up in not the best of areas, I had always dreamed of a neighborhood where I could walk the dogs and get to know my neighbors more. Every lender we spoke with denied us immediately because of the amount of student loans I have for my two college degrees. I thought for sure we would not be able to buy for years, if ever, as most other people in my generation struggle with. But I knew God put it on our hearts to desire a home and we prayed. At first I cried after I thought I had heard from every possible lender, when suddenly one returned my call and said he could work with us. He sent our amazing realtor, and now good friend, Leigh Fenstermacher- Merriman our way and we began our hunt. Leigh really is the best realtor we could have imagined and she made house hunting fun despite some crazy obstacles, more issues with the lender, and even a seller who was laying in his bed when he wasn’t supposed to be home (we had made an appointment for a showing!). Just when I thought our house hunting would have to come to a halt, Leigh sent us to another lender who made it work! I was stunned when he said he would get us into the perfect condo we had found. We prayed hard and within a month we closed on our home. It was the perfect price, a great diverse location, and the perfect size for us. It was truly God’s will for us to move where we are. If it is God’s will, nothing will get in the way or close the door he has opened <3.

To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. Revelation 3:7 NIV

Back to the topic of friendships. I may have lost some friendships over the past few years that I wished never happened. I tried my best to reconcile them and despite my efforts they weren’t fixed. However, God heard my cries when I asked for Godly friends who wouldn’t leave my side and who would love me for me. The friends he brought into my life are 10x better than I could have ever imagined. Some I have met the beginning of my college years and together we weather storms together and shared many laughs, now having an inseparable bond that will last through eternity. Others I met toward the end of college, such as one of my best friends that was my roommate senior year of college. We live a few states away now and we still are stronger than every. I know she will support me no matter what and likewise I have always got her back too. We just understand each other and are chill people. Oh and God gave me the honor of being the one he used to bring her and her now husband together. Another special friend is the friend I have mentioned before that I met in a Christian blogging Facebook group.

Ever since our first chat on the phone we have remained close and continue to grow closer. She truly is my big sister in every way possible. We have gone through so many of the same things and even both share a few of the same chronic illnesses, so we encourage each other and help carry each others burdens. When we first talked we never knew how much we would have in common. How she would be the older sister I always longed for and how I would be the little sister she wanted. I’ll admit that the more I shared with her about my life and past struggles, the more I feared she would decide I wasn’t worth keeping as a friend, as many other Christians have decided. However, instead she has always shown love and helped me understand that none of us are perfect. You can’t tell me that our friendship wasn’t the work of God. It is too perfect, and it began at the time we both needed it the most. I have a few other best friends who know who they are and I am so blessed that they are in my life. Oh and some of my high school best friends still remain good friends of mine today. So friends, if you have lost any friends, or struggle with finding friends, or want new friends, give it to God. He will send you what you want and more. God is so good!

We sometimes think we know exactly what we want, so we pursue it. I had the “perfect” plan of what I wanted to be when I got both my Bachelor’s and Master’s degrees. I assumed I would either be a journalist or that I would be the head of a company’s human resources department, and I still could be one of those one day. But, my career has taken an unexpected turn. A few months ago I felt the desire to be a teacher and God opened the doors for me to teach children English online. I was nervous at first because it wasn’t what I originally pictured my talents being. But oh my goodness, it is so fulfilling in a way I cannot describe. I love seeing my students each day and helping prepare them for the future. Education is always something I have valued, but I never thought I’d be good enough to be a teacher. Well, I guess I was wrong because God has placed me right where he wants me, and I believe teaching may be my permanent career. It may even be my calling. In the future I would like to teach in person, either still teaching children or pursuing my PhD in order to teach adults. Either way, God has the best plan, one better than I could even fathom, so I am going to keep giving it to him. If you are unsure of what you are supposed to do with your life or what your calling is, be bold in your prayer and ask God to reveal. Ask him to make it obvious and to order your steps so that you end up exactly where you are meant to be. He has promised he will do that, so lean on those promises and you won’t be disappointed.

In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9 NIV

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

No matter what I have gone through in life, God has also always kept his promise that he would provide my needs. I have always had a roof over my head and food on my table, even in times where I had $0 in the bank account. He has protected me from many things and provided an escape to a really abusive relationship I had prior to meeting Robbie. When my beloved Luke died, he provided me with Mikki and Petra, as well as Maui. While at times life gets hard, God will always come through. We just have to keep trusting and lean on each other. Don’t be afraid to reach out for prayer.

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Psalm 34:10 NIV

If you aren’t a Christ follower, you can become one simply by asking Jesus, the son of God, to be your Lord and Savior and asking him to guide your life and cleanse your sins. From that moment on you become part of his family and your eternity is sealed. But furthermore, you have hope now too while on earth. God bless my loves <3. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-02jkrdNps

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZKA2iY9ATA

It shall be

There are plenty of times in life where I look back and wonder why things happened the way they did. Why did that person walk out of my life? Why did I end up with chronic illnesses? Why did one of my favorite uncles die so young? All of us have questions as to why certain life circumstances occurred, or why things are they way they are currently. I am a very analytical, deep thinker, so I often find myself reliving memories from days ago, weeks ago, and yes even 7-10 years ago. I also wonder why some people we meet become close friends for life, while some people stop loving us, or just ghost us.

I have some amazing best friends who I know will be my friends for life and I am thankful for them. The friendships have a healthy dynamic of both parties edifying and building the other up. We also each have great memories that I am grateful for. However, there are some close friendships I have had that I have lost over the years. The one that comes to mind is my best friend my sophomore and junior year of high school. She and I did everything together, texted each other every day and night, hung out together every weekend. We were always so silly when out with our other friends and we told everyone we were engaged just because. I helped her through a hard time with losing her mother and she always made me feel great by making me laugh each day. I thought our friendship was one that would last through the ages, but alas, a small disagreement led her to never speak to me again. And I mean to this day she will talk to everyone else from our circle, but me. I wish I knew what I did so wrong. It's been almost 10 years and I still think about it periodically. It was so nice to have a #1 best friend because everyone else I knew had their #1 best friend and I had finally had one too. I still don’t have a #1 best friend, but I have a few friends who are collectively my best friends and I am blessed with that.

In college for a few months I had another #1 bestie, but distance has made it hard to be as close as we once were. At least we are on good terms and we can always reflect on all the dance parties we had with our other friends, our late night chats at my first fall retreat my freshman year, and all the time we spent together just having fun. Summer 2018 I met someone who I thought was going to be a new best friend of mine. She is literally perfect and so smart. I admire how much she loves her job, how beautiful she is, and her charming outgoing personality. I found myself nervous around her at times, which is rare because I am pretty much a people person. But I just wanted badly to be best friends because I felt like we had a lot in common. I just felt a special connection that I usually feel when someone will be a good friend. Unfortunately, I don’t think I ended up being what she wanted in a bestie and/or she already had friends that took that place. So I have stopped trying to find a #1 best friend so much because I believe what is meant to be will be. If someone is meant to be my best friend, God will let it happen. It is so easy for me to jump at opportunities, but I often forget to take a step back and ask God about it. I am a work in progress, but I am working on making sure I run every decision by him. After all, He knows what is best for us.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end— even the wicked for a day of disaster. Proverbs 16:3-4 NIV

Something else I wonder why is why my grandmother on my dad’s side had to die when I was so young. She was such an amazing woman of God, so gentle, so beautiful inside and out. My Uncle Steve was the funniest man I ever knew and was always very supportive of me. He was a great father, uncle, brother, and friend to many. I feel his time on earth was so short, but I know that I cannot see the bigger picture like God can, so I know there is a purpose in everything. Luke’s short lived life is something I always ponder too, and Mimis. Thankfully, Heaven will be a great reunion and we will all serve our Lord Jesus and God together forever. I often find myself wondering why I had to have epilepsy, PCOS, sensory processing disorder, and chronic migraines. If I didn’t have those illnesses I feel I would already have my dream career and maybe a child or two. Maybe more people would desire me to remain a permanent part of their lives if I were normal? Maybe I would be less of a burden to those who do love me?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

I could go on and on, but my point of writing this is to share with you some of my experiences because I know I am not alone and many people have similar life questions. Some may also battle with illness, lost loved ones too soon, and/or have had friendships end that you didn’t want to see end. I want you to know you aren’t alone. A lot of people don’t talk about it openly, so I wanted to. I also want to say that while it is normal to wonder why our lives turn out a certain way, it is important to not let it consume or define you. What may seem like a road block today can be an open road tomorrow. God only has the best for those who trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Maybe something we thought was meant for us, wasn’t really meant for us. God can see things we cannot and He won’t withhold any good thing from us. Also as I learn to love myself more, I realize that I need to be less hard on myself. If someone wants to be in my life, they will be. If they don’t, then it is their loss and I will continue to move forward.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11 NIV
If God could keep my Pomeranian Maui safe for two weeks loose in the country when he ran from my friend, not a scratch or any harm done to him, then God can write a beautiful life story for you. God will provide what you need in your life and who you need in your life. It is easy to compare ourselves to others, but that’s not what he wants. He has the perfect plan for everyone. Some of us are meant to be great leaders. Some of us are meant to have successful careers. Some of us are meant to be mothers. Some of us are called to be childless.  Some of us are called to be mothers later than everyone around us. Some of us are called to be liked by many. Some of us are called to have a smaller group of friends. Whatever it is, God knows what he is doing and he has you exactly where he wants you. Just keep trusting in Him and you won’t be disappointed my friend. God Bless <3

Tough Lessons

Sometimes there are lessons/ trials as believers that we have to go through more that once because we didn’t learn the first time, or we are a bit stubborn. I will be the first to admit I am unfortunately in that camp of believers who don’t always learn the first time. Most of the time I learn whatever the Lord wants to teach me the first time around, but for some reason there are a few things I just keep struggling with. Feel free to stop reading now if you were hoping to read one of my more cheerful posts, because unfortunately this one is more of me pouring my heart out/ letting go of some pain. I try to be a person who is loving toward everyone. I enjoy being a blessing to everyone I can. I just want to make people happy and to see them live up to their potential. I would love nothing more than to be in perfect peace and harmony with everyone I have ever met. Unfortunately, that will never happen. I should know by now that I can’t please everyone and that isn’t God’s will for my life. He didn’t call us to be pleasers of men, but to please him. Yet, I still fall into the same rut even years after I began working on that challenge I face.

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. Galations 1:10 NIV


Some people I have wanted to please/ make happy want me to do things contrary to God’s word, like worry non stop, put things above God and my spouse, intentionally harm myself etc. This is one of the reasons why people pleasing is not something God wants us to do. Another reason is it can become an idol and become the center of our life rather than Christ being the center of our life. And what an awful idol it is too because no matter how much you try you are left feeling empty. Some of the people you try to please can actually be harmful to you. A lot of them actually could care less about you, your health, or anything. How do I know this? Because I have been betrayed many times by people who have claimed to care about me/ be my friend only to find during a testing time they reveal who they really are. That is when the truth comes out that I am worth less than an old couch on the curb waiting for trash collection day to them. That is when they point out my flawed health, my epileptic seizures, any mistakes I have ever made, or decide that they simply do not like me anymore.

I am an open book because I want to share God’s love with everyone and want to live my life as a living sacrifice for him. If I can help lead anyone to salvation in Christ, then I consider my life a success. However, it has been revealed to be my God and a few wise, amazing people he has placed in my life, that I need to be careful who I trust. I have been hurt many times and while I sometimes could care less about my life, if I trust the wrong people I can be pulled away from God’s will. If he wants to use me to reach people but I am being pulled 100 different directions, how can I do his will? If I waste my time on people who will never appreciate anything I do, then I will miss the people who really do need me. Plus every time I get burned, the same devil lies resurface such as me being worthless, that I can do nothing right, and that I deserve nothing good. Then I am tempted to believe those lies for a while and I waste precious time and energy that could be devoted to God. And then I go chasing after things that God doesn’t have for me, which is also a waste. My goal should be to live a life surrendered to whatever He wants of me and to do that I must put everything to the side and only let him be the once speaking to me.

Despite my pain at Maui being lost and at this point possibly stolen or dead, and all of my efforts I put into that, I still had people who have decided I haven’t done enough. People who think I don’t love him, etc. It is quite a few people. People who think I have used my seizures as an excuse to not be more involved in his search, when that isn’t true. People who think my health and life do not matter. They made it loud and clear they would be happier I were gone. I wish this was the first time I have been down this road but it has been something I have experienced since I was a young girl. In fact I will never forget the girl who told me she wished I were dead and never existed even though I never did anything to her. I have been through enough situations to know that most people do not care about me, or hate me. I have been through enough to know that to most I have no worth or value. Yet, every time God uses the situation somehow for good.

I can already see how He has been at work in this sad situation. He has made a way for me to show Christ to someone who needs Jesus’ love in their lives. He has shown me that I need to look to him first before I cast my pearls. I need to let him take the reigns and trust his will even when I can’t see anything good. He always has a master plan and he is making my life out to be a masterpiece, even when most days I think I am one of his scrap pieces of paper. If I have to go through a bit of pain to see someone accept Jesus, then I will gladly go through any pain for that. Why? Because after we die we don’t cease to exist and I want to bring anyone to Heaven with me that I can. Any suffering I deal with in the meantime pales compared to what is yet to come in Paradise. I already know it is going to be amazing and I already have confirmation from my dream the other day that my dogs, all of them, will be there with me for eternity. So even if Maui isn’t found, this isn’t goodbye. I will still keep my hopes up that he is alive and will be found, but I also know even if worse comes to worse, it’ll be okay. And contrary to what some people told me yesterday, I do have peace at whatever happens because God gives us peace beyond understanding in the midst of heartache and storms. In fact, he says to worry for nothing but to give it to him.

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. Matthew 7:6 NIV

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
I may never have a place in this world. I may never be liked by many, or fit into a church family. I may be the forgotten one. I may always be an outcast, but God didn’t leave me completely alone. He has blessed me with some amazing people who will never leave my side no matter what. I am still amazed at how some of them love me unconditionally even on days I don’t love myself. They are a small number and that is fine because Jesus didn’t have a huge amount of friends. He had 12! He shows us the importance of keeping your circle small because a lot cannot be trusted, but there are some who are worth their weight in gold. You know who you are. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with a few who love me so good. I have come to realize my place is not to belong to any group or anything, but my place is the few special people in my life and the people God places in my life who need Jesus. My place isn’t to be the best x,y,z. My place is to be used however God wishes. So it will be done!

A gift in the form of a dream

Life lately has been so crazy. I had a friend watching Maui and he got out and escaped her fence. We have been searching over a week now and while he was spotted a few times, when we came, he was no where to be seen. With that I’ve been heart broken, worried, and have gotten both support and a lot of hate. Some have told me I am not trying enough or that I don’t love him. On top of that I had my first grand mal aka major seizure a few days ago too. Not complaining, just a little back story as to my life right now. I was tempted to believe the lies that I am worthless... but God said no. He used my husband and some of my best friends to keep my focus on Christ rather those lies. He has used the spiritual gift of wisdom to show me why some things are happening the way they are. I will share that soon, as I am still in the process of learning. Anyways, through my chaotic trial right now God has been so good and He blessed me with a wonderful dream that had my late uncle Steve in it. It was a beautiful dream and after sharing it with my husband and parents, they believe it was a glimpse of heaven. I believe so too and that’s why I wanted to share it with you. For one day we will all pass on from this life and if we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, we will have eternal life in paradise with God and Jesus. It will be perfection with no more disease, sorrow, or anything bad. This dream I had was just a small illustration of what is yet to come <3. This dream was a gift to remind me of what is to come and to not lose hope. I hope you enjoy! 

In my dream I was in a huge family room with my Uncle Steve, my cousins Robert, Andy, Jessica, Vinnie, and Ali. My husband Robbie was right by my side. My parents and my sister were there too, along with my grandmother, and my uncle Arch. A year and a half ago my uncle Steve died of heart failure at the young age of 50 and was in a lot of pain when he passed. In my dream he was perfectly healthy and happy. We all were filled with joy! The room we were in had such cool things like a ball pit for my sister. We were all having a great conversation like old times when suddenly Milky Way, Mae Mae, Maui, and Petra appear along with my late dogs Luke Bryan, Marina, and Becca came running to me and began dancing and playing with each other. I know my cats were nearby too even though they weren’t in the room. Some other family was there too I am certain, but the house was so big I didn’t get a chance to see them before I woke up. Eventually I left the room to explore and the house was huge, a mansion with red carpet and golden chandelier light fixtures. There were so many rooms. I came across some other believers I knew from church as I explored the other rooms. I felt at peace and it was so nice to see my uncle whom I miss every day, as well as my dogs who are no longer with me. I really believe this dream was my uncle’s mansion/ place that Jesus prepared for him and that God let me see that so that I could remember the joy that is yet to come. I also believe he let me see my three dogs that have passed on because I struggle with the fear that I may not see them in the next life. In this dream they were there and I believe they will be with me forever in Heaven too. For now they are hanging out with my uncle Steve to keep him company until we are reunited. What an amazing gift from God. <3

When we pass on from this life as believers we go to be with Christ. He has a special place prepared for each of us. I can’t wait until that day! If you aren’t a believer you don’t have to clean yourself up first. Rather, come as you are and simply pray today asking Jesus to forgive you of your sins and ask him to be Lord of your life. He will take care of everything else <3.

John 14:2-3 NIV My Father's house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.

Heaven is going to be amazing. We can’t even imagine all God has in store for us but I do know it will have everything we need to be happy forever. I know my place will have all of my animals <3. My heart dogs Luke, Mikki, and Petra will constantly follow me around and my other dogs won’t be far. My cats will be there too. And beyond that I will get to know all these other believers and worship the Lord and enjoy perfect paradise. What a day that will be. Friends don’t lose hope for this life is temporary. Any suffering you are going through won’t be the end for those who trust in Jesus. Sometimes this life gets really hard but even when it feels like he is far, God is near his people. He will provide and He always has a plan. God bless <3

Psalm 145:18-19 NIV The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04NVqdWcVIE

For a quick little pick me up

Hello everyone. I am still working on that special blog post I have mentioned, but due to some unforeseen circumstances, I have had to put it on hold a bit. No worries, I am fine it’s just this month I have had been sick the majority of the month. I’ve had bad debilitating migraines at least 4 times a week this entire month and a few seizures too. I particularly hate the seizure I had recently that caused me to twist my ankle and cut my foot. But...honestly things could be worse. I am trying my best to have an optimistic attitude and in that I wanted to reflect on some great truths today that will bless both you and I <3.

The first truth I want to focus on is the fact that nothing and I mean nothing separates us from the love of God! No matter how small we feel, how insignificant we are, or how many times we fall, God still loves us. I know I have been struggling a bit lately with measuring how many times I mess up vs how many times I don’t, and letting that be my gauge of how much God loves me on a particular day. But friends, what we do doesn’t determine how much God loves us. God loved us yesterday, loves us today, and will love us tomorrow. He is always waiting for us to either accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior if we haven’t already, or if we are saved He is waiting for us to turn our attention back on him. He isn’t looking down on us annoyed, He is patiently waiting for us to trust in Him and let him work in our lives. Every day is a choice whether to let Jesus take the wheel, but even when we choose our own way God’s love doesn’t change. Isn’t that amazing?! There is no other love like that.


And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[b] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39 NIV

Along with that, whatever trials you are going through, are not permanent. Sometimes things happen in our life because of bad choices we make. Other times they are completely out of control. Sometimes we go through trials because God is trying to teach us something or grow our character. Whatever it may be, God is for you and is only good. He will bless you for trusting in Him no matter what is going on around you.. And remember in Heaven one day everything will be perfect. No more pain, no more suffering.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18 NIV


The last truth I want you to hold near you today is that you are precious and your worth cannot be measured. Some of you may have family who doesn’t like you, or is always looking down on you. Some of you may not have anyone on your side. Some of you may be tempted to give up completely on life because of the pain you have endured. Maybe you feel as if the world is better off without you. Well I want to promise you that others don’t determine your worth! You are made in the image of God. You have special traits and qualities that make you one of a kind. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you, but that doesn’t matter. There are people who you mean the world to. You are needed and you have a special purpose given by God that only you can fill. Even if you feelings tell you otherwise, I want you to smile today and remember how much God has in store for you. I want you to know that you are so loved and cherished. I am so thankful God made you! I know many other people are thankful too. Your animals are thankful, your children are thankful, your friends are thankful, and the people you have yet to meet are thankful. Stay running the race, for there is a rainbow at the end of the tunnel <3.

Something that makes everyday better for me is to enjoy nature and the simple things in life. Even when im sick or not feeling the happiest, I see God's goodness everywhere. Some days I see it in the beauty of the pink, purple, orange, and blue sky when the sun is setting. Other times I see it in how happy my little dogs are playing with each other. The uniqueness of each living creature and how wonderful they are make me happy. I love admiring wild animals like wolves, tigers, lions, African wild dogs, bears, etc. Some days I just need to sit down and watch some animal planet ya know? Haha. Don't forget to take a moment each day to live in the moment. Tell someone you know how much they mean to you. Try that new hobby. Take a nice relaxing bath, cuddle your fur babies haha. Take that walk even if it's getting dark.

Lastly, here is a picture of my dogs all being cute to give you a smile. These babies definitely keep me going. 

I'll never be that "perfect" Christian and that's okay

I’ve come to terms that I will never be that textbook “perfect” Christian; you know the one I’m talking about. The one who shows up every Sunday, dressed perfectly. The one who's got the perfect family and house. The one who is able to tithe beyond 10% every week. The one who spends all of their free time volunteering at the church. The one who is always on fire with the Holy Spirit and never lets anything get them down. The one who everyone looks forward to seeing because they brighten everyone’s day with their presence. These are all great traits to have and I am thankful for my fellow brothers and sisters who fit this role. You are precious and beloved.

I am the Christian who has been struggling with going to Church regularly because I get a bad migraine or a series of seizures after I finish teaching my last English class Sunday morning. I am the Christian who has made some financial mistakes in the past and can’t afford to tithe as much as I would like. I am the Christian who wishes she could devote more time to my church than being an occasional greeter. I wish I were able to drive and had a schedule where I were more free. I wish I were healthy so that I could do more for others. I wish I were the popular person who everyone is excited to see. Truth is, I am of little worth when you measure it from the world’s standard. Society would say I am useless because I have epilepsy, SPD, PCOS, chronic migraines, ASD. Society would say I am better off in the background because I will never be as good as others around me. I may never be a mother because of PCOS and the way it affects fertility. And sometimes it is easy for me to think that the Church and God view me the same. However, that is not true.

None of us are perfect and while some may be “better” at following Christ than others, we all are loved by God and made perfect in his eyes because of his son Jesus Christ and what he has done for us. When we accept him as our Lord and Savior, he sees perfection when he looks down at us. Nothing we can do can change that. Nothing. Isn’t that amazing?! We literally are children of the creator of the universe! :) And if you haven’t accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior yet, all it takes is a prayer asking him into your heart. God will move in your life from that very moment!

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God John 1:12 NIV

If anything, having several disabilities has taught me that my strength comes solely from God and that he will use anyone for his glory. He has plans for each of us and we all are important and loved by God. I have a tendency to think that because my abilities don’t match some others I know, then that means he will use someone more qualified for his work. I mean, after all why would he choose one who has seizures, sensory processing disorder, someone who would be happy with just two things: dogs and the beach (aka that’s my interest that I spend most of my time on). I have a tendency to hyper focus on something for weeks on end because it’s how my brain is built. I can hear sounds down the street as if they were right next to me. I can smell smells from far far away. For instance, when my parents hot water tank was going out I kept smelling a burning smell across the room anytime someone ran the sink water. No one else could smell the smell except very faint if they literally stuck their nose next to the faucet. I thought maybe I was crazy lol but I told them their hot water tank was about to fail and sure enough it did two weeks later. Music is more than just sounds to me. I could go on and on, but that’s beside the point lol.

When we look at the Bible, we see that God often used some of the least qualified individuals for big purposes. I still have a tendency to think well they were still better than me. I seriously usually see myself as nothing but a faulty, broken human. But if God could use these people, certainly he could use me and other broken people too. We don’t all have the be “great” Christians to give God glory and further his kingdom. Moses, who helped lead God’s people to freedom from captivity, had a huge purpose for God and he accomplished it because God worked through him. Moses had a disability himself and tried to convince God to choose someone else. But alas, God said no I am using you.

12 Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

17 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked,because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” Exodus 33: 12-17 NIV

God also used David when he was still a young boy to take down Goliath, the giant. King David had someone killed and took their wife, but he was still used by God. Heck before Paul became a believer he was killing Christians. Look at how great of a leader he became as he let Christ shine through him. God used unqualified women for big roles too like Ruth, a widow. If these people can be used for God than surely you and I can. What it takes is a willing heart to do whatever God wants and he will move.

Though I struggle, I am going to hold to the promises that God has a plan for me and he will use me in a way that is unfathomable. I believe he will do the same for you if you trust him and let him have control of your life. It isn’t easy, but God is always with those who believe and he will provide the means. He keeps every promise he has told us. And if he promises to have a big plan for our future, then he will deliver.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Two weeks ago I was anointed by an elder at Church and prayed over by a friend. During the anointed they proclaimed that God has plans to use me in a big way. They also prayed over my health. A few months ago one of my best friends said she believed I was anointed and that God was going to use me in big ways. I get chills writing this because more than one person was confirmed that. Now I am eager to see how he chooses to use me and it gives me hope. I am so excited to see how God uses you too. I know it’ll be amazing.

One more thing, here is one of my favorite songs and it is such a beautiful song of God’s love and promises. That and the song “ Let the Church say Amen” are my two favorite gospel songs sang by the same person. Check them out and I hope you enjoy <3 God Bless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-02jkrdNps  (The promise by Andre Crouch)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZKA2iY9ATA   (Let the Church say Amen by Andre Crouch)

A birthday wish for Yael!

I decided to dedicate a blog post to my favorite actress Yael Grobglas because today is her birthday and she is a wonderful woman inside and out. I found out about Yael when I stumbled across a soap opera/ telenovela called Jane the Virgin a few months ago when looking through Netflix. After the first episode I was hooked and little did I know I was actually going to love the show so much that it would become my favorite show ever. There is a lot of crazy stuff that happens and what not because it is a telenovela after all, but Yael does a phenomenal job of playing her character Petra and giving her all. I was instantly captivated by her big blue eyes when i first watched the show and then i noticed how complex her character was. Her character seemed evil at first but once I learned her backstory and saw her grow through the seasons it became apparent that Petra was trying to navigate herself through a crazy life. Yael literally becomes Petra Solano whenever she is acting and she in my opinion(and most others agree) is the best actress on the show. I can’t wait to see where she goes next and for the moment when she becomes the star of her own show.

I admire Yael as a person for many reasons, besides her good acting. I love that she is not afraid to share about her faith in God and the fact that she is Jewish. A lot of Hollywood doesn’t like it when you share your faith, but Yael does unapologetically and that is beautiful. I also think she is gorgeous… I’ve always been drawn to blue eyes, especially big ones, and I love how funny she is. Yael adores animals, especially cats, and I feel drawn to her as a person because that tells me she has a big heart. Animal lovers are the best kind of people afterall. I feel like when I get to meet her one day(I say when because I like to make my dreams a reality) we will goof off and enjoy delicious food while playing with my dogs and her cats(after I take benadryl for my allergies lol). The way to Yael’s heart is food, so take note if you want to impress her hahahaha. But yeah I just adore her because of all of who she is and God made a wonderful masterpiece when he designed her. Yael I want you to always know how much you are loved!

You already know some about me because of all the dog pics I send you and because of the blog posts I’ve made that you have read. Thank you for taking time out of your day to acknowledge me and read those...it means the world to me, really. It also made my year that you liked and replied to many of my tweets around my birthday after I told you it would make me the happiest girl in the world. Your love and admiration for your fans is probably the biggest reason you are my #1 fav actress. While we haven’t gotten to meet yet I know we would be good friends because Idk I can just know/ feel when someone will be an important part of my life and internet brings people together. I met one of my best friends on a Christian blogging group and I never dreamed we would have so much in common. I have written about her before but she is amazing and the big sister I had always longed for. We talk on the phone at least once a month and she is always making sure to encourage me and vice versa. So I believe friendships can be made with anyone and anywhere.

A few quick other things about me is that I also love love love good food, the beach is my favorite place in the world, and I am happiest spending with people I love and animals. I also love to swim, shop, board games,  hike, explore and travel, and basically anything fun lol. I really enjoy having deep conversations about life sometimes or just being ridiculously silly because you've got to live and enjoy life! I hope to visit LA one of these days as I have never been before and I really would love to visit Israel!! So ya, I hope your birthday has been awesome and thank you for being you. God bless xoxo

Outcast

The thing I struggle most in this life is the recurring feelings and thoughts of being a burden to everyone/ an outcast. It’s something that has eaten away at me since I was a young kid because no matter what I did or how hard I tried to be liked and loved, I would have people let me know how little I meant to them. As I have grown older I have learned to not care as much what people think or say about me, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m an inferior human being, less than, a failure, a reject when I have people say or do things to me that are just mean. I suspect I am not the only one that struggles with this. In fact, after recently having a conversation with a good friend, I was able to put a name to what I and anyone else who feels this way is experiencing: The Spirit of Rejection.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 NIV

The Spirit of Rejection is a demonic spirit that Satan (the devil) uses as a ploy to bring us down and steal our joy. It works by preying on our deepest fears and getting us to believe that we are unloved, unwanted, annoying, inferior, incapable, etc. He uses it to diminish our worth and to get us to question why we even try. It can interfere with any type of relationship as often one being attacked by this spirit feels the need to distance themselves from everyone. The worst thing about it is that it hinders our relationship with God because it can make us believe the lies that God doesn’t love us anymore, that we have upset him one too many times, or that we don’t really have a purpose in being alive. This spirit I suspect attacks most of us actually, just perhaps some more than others. You can be the most talented artist, professor, actor, pastor, and still struggle with this. It will convince you that you aren’t as deserving of the respect and recognition you get. It will convince you that nothing you do is ever enough and that everyone else is so much better qualified and more loved than you are. Some think positive thinking will stop the spiritual attack, but it isn’t quite that easy. For starters, it isn’t easy for us to identify when we are being attacked because the devil uses subtle ways to steal, divide, and conquer. He will convince us that it is true and that we are just thinking about the truth. Also, it isn’t just random thoughts. The Spirit of Rejection stems from times we were actually rejected and I have seen the spirit have random strangers say outlandish things to me before which I believe was also the spirit at work.

Like I mentioned before, I have dealt with rejection since a young child. In elementary school I was called weird because I was shy. In middle school it got way worse as I was made fun of for being biracial: my hair was called ugly poodle hair and I was told I was too light skinned to be a true mixed girl. I was called fat, annoying, etc. The thing that hurt the worst was when a girl told me she hated that I was alive and that I existed. She said she wished I were dead and some other girls cheered her on and laughed when I cried. High school was better in a sense that I wasn’t bullied, but I still experienced rejection. Almost every boy I liked thought I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was too nice and clingy, and just did not like me. I was invisible to a lot of people because I wasn’t into going to wild parties and because I was boring since I wasn’t into things other people were like drinking and sex. I didn’t mind that because I wanted to live a Godly life, but when I wasn’t included in things like yearbook planning, prom planning, or anything else I wanted to join in, I definitely felt rejected. When I was sexually assaulted, not once but twice, before I was 18, I felt rejected. I felt dirty and as if I were permanently damaged. Both were out of my control one happened with an older stranger male in a store and the other time was a supposed to be boyfriend. Then there was the crush I had that I never admitted because I was afraid of the rejection I would face from family and friends since it wasn’t what they would desire or expect for me. The only person who knew was the crush themselves because it was mutual. So I kept that hidden all the while feeling confused.

In college I didn’t really experience rejection from people I wanted to be friends with or guys, so that was a nice break. I finally felt able to be me and was trusting God to use me for his glory. Where I had a huge blow to my confidence and that overwhelming stomach turning feeling of rejection return was in the last place I expected to find it: “ a Christian” group. Many of the other leaders made it quite known they didn’t like me no matter how hard I tried to please them and show how committed I was to serving Christ. Since it was a Christian group this time and not just one person, I had the feeling that I really was a reject and I was ready to accept my defeat. I was about to give up on trying to live for Christ because if even Christians didn’t like me, who would? But God made sure that even when I was rejected by those Christians that he would bring Christians into my life who cherished me and reminded me of my worth.

Rejection is something I have had from certain family members too. And I get it from complete strangers. I have had strangers make racist remarks right in front of me before. Or like two weeks ago I had strangers make rude comments loudly on my hair. When it happens so much it is easy to accept that identity as our true identity. Then it becomes easy to view everything from that perspective. It becomes easy to think that God rejects us as well and that all of our loved ones feel that way. It becomes easy to withdraw from everyone out of fear and to worry that everyone will abandon us at one point. It becomes easy to give up. But please don’t give up because there is hope and what you are experiencing is lies. You do matter to your loved ones and friends. You are so valuable to God and not a reject. You were worth dying for don’t forget the ultimate sacrifice made because of how loved you are. Still as much as I know all of these truths, I still get sucked into the trap again and again. Each time I learn more about identifying when that spirit is attacking and I pray that Jesus take it away.

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Galatians 4:4-5 NIV

Our only fight against this spirit is to pray that Jesus show us his truth, his love for us, and give us his strength to resist the attack. Turning to God’s word and reading verses on his love for us and our worth help to combat the lies. Also please share when you are struggling with doubt and rejection with those you trust because they will help remind you of how loved you are and pray for you too. Rejection is an awful thing and is part of this awful world but it isn’t our true identity. We are not rejects, we are beloved. When we accept Christ we become children of God and are adopted. We become sons and daughters of Christ, joint heirs with the creator of the entire universe. Adoption is the opposite of rejection. If we are God’s children, then we are the opposite of rejection. May God bless you and remember you are not a reject. You are so much more :) This struggle may be a lifelong one for me but the good news is that God is always waiting to remind me of my worth and lavish his love on me. The same is true for you friend.

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4 NIV

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36:7 NIV

Unfathomable Love: You are so loved

Something that I am still trying to wrap my head around is how much God loves me...you…. all of us. I’m not sure I will ever be able to grasp it it fully, at least in this lifetime. Today I want to remind you of how much you are cherished and encourage you. It has come to my attention that a lot of you have been pushed away by the church because you were “defined” by whatever sins you have committed. That is not what we are called to do as Christians. As a Christ follower myself, I will 100% admit that I am not perfect...not even close. I still sin even though I have been born again in Christ. Am I proud of that? Well no...but having a personal relationship with Jesus doesn’t make us suddenly perfect. Instead, it gives us hope that we can have everlasting life when we die. It also gives us a purpose and the ability to experience and freedom as we allow Christ to live through us. The gift of salvation is given to us because of how much God and Jesus love us. He didn’t have to send his son to die for our sins. He chose to because he loved each and every human he created so much that he wanted to make a way for us to be with him again, even after we chose to rebel.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV

God loves us so much that even if we choose to disobey him, he will continue loving us. He loves us so much that he knows every hair on our head and desires a relationship with us. He cares for the sparrow, but he cares even more about humans who he made in his image. Nothing we do will ever make his love for us cease. He has a special plan and purpose for each of us, and he knows your every thought. God is not someone who is constantly looking down upon us ready to strike us down for every mistake we make. Rather, he desperately wants us to choose him so that he can give us a whole life full of joy, love, and success.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

God’s love for me has changed me as a person. It has given me hope on days where I feel like giving up because my chronic illnesses are in full spin. His love gives me hope that nothing I ever do will revoke my salvation because all who call on the name of Jesus will be saved. His love remains when I have been hurt and rejected by others. His love is why I have been blessed with a great husband, cute dogs, a nice new teaching job, a new home…. He wouldn’t give those things to me if he were indifferent to me. He wouldn’t bless you with the wonderful things he has given you in life if he didn’t love you either. Maybe it’s giving you the opportunity to act on a fun TV show like Jane the Virgin :) or maybe it’s giving you the gift of being a teacher(like he has recently given me). Maybe it’s a really nice home that has a huge backyard, an adorable family, the ability to travel, delicious food. Trust me I love food so much, as does my favorite actress Yael Grobglas, and I can attest that delicious food is a sign that God loves us because he blessed us with food to enjoy. Every good thing we experience on this earth is because God loves us.

For there is no difference between Jew and Greek: The same Lord is Lord of all, and gives richly to all who call on Him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13-14 NIV

Now you may be asking if God loves us why do innocent people die? Why is there disease and illness? While I cannot give you the answer on why a specific person or child may suffer, I can tell you that the root of disaster and heartache in this life is because of living in a fallen world. When we as humans chose our own fate in the garden of Eden, the entire world became corrupt with sin. Sin is ugly and sin affects every living thing. Sadly it means there will be some awful trials and tribulations in this world. It means there will be cruel people, death, and other terrible things. But.. when Jesus rose from the grave he gave us the ability to have triumph over sin. His gift is for ANYONE willing to receive it. All it takes is asking Jesus to be your Lord and Savior. It doesn’t take us cleaning ourselves up first or anything like that. I challenge you today to simply ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior. Ask him to guide your life. And watch...he will be faithful. He will make you more like him. It’s a lifelong journey we aren’t perfect until we are in Heaven one day. But when we have Jesus as our Lord he works to make us more like him and to clean us up. 

I am so excited if you decide today to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you have any questions or want prayer please let me know. Also if you aren’t ready yet, or are still unsure, know I still love you. You are so beloved, so precious. You are not defined by mistakes you have made or any sins you have committed. You are so much more. You are special and you are no mistake. You have a purpose and it will touch the lives of others. And please don’t let something someone may have said in judgement about you cause you to miss out on the blessings of God. There is no Christian who can stand and say they’ve never sinned or that they have quit sinning. We strive not to, but alas as us being humans we still do. No sin is bigger than another. You are precious. You are loved just as you are. Will you come to God today just as you are? Trust me, it’ll be worth it. I love you! God Bless you <3

What Having Epilepsy Feels Like

Hello everyone! One of the things I feel that God wants me to do is to help raise awareness for those who also struggle with epilepsy, like I do. I believe that each trial he lets me go through has a purpose and that he wants me to use it to help others who also go through the same.

Epilepsy is very misunderstood and it can lead people to feeling isolated, alone, and damaged. Some people have no one to turn to because their loved ones have gotten fed up with their seizures. Yes, I have heard countless stories from a support group I am a part of where people have had family disown them because them having seizures was a burden on them. Some have had their spouses give up on them, their friends get sick of them, etc. It really hurt my heart hearing those stories because what people who have chronic illness need more than anything is support, understand, and most importantly LOVE. I want to raise awareness so that people learn the truth about epilepsy and stand up for their loved ones, coworkers, peers, church family members, etc. who have the disorder.

Epilepsy is so much more than just someone convulsing. In fact, I do not have the type of seizure that involves convulsing with my eyes rolling back. There is always a chance I could have one of those, but just because I haven’t doesn’t make my epilepsy, or anyone else’s epilepsy, less valid. All forms are seizures are serious and are hard to deal with. I personally have myoclonic epilepsy and temporal lobe epilepsy. Myoclonic seizures involve the body spasming and jerking at random. Sometimes I completely lose control of my hands at random and drop whatever I am holding. It is embarrassing because I have spilt a drink all over the floor at get togethers before. Or the other day at my birthday dinner I dropped my phone loudly onto the table and almost dropped it into my piece of cake. Sometimes the spasms are just a few and a minor annoyance. Sometimes they hurt really bad. Sometimes it feels like someone is shooting fire inside of my muscles are they spasm against my will. Sometimes they last on and off for an entire day, leaving me exhausted and sore. Temporal lobe epilepsy is a type of epilepsy that affects one side of the brain, vs generalized seizure types like the myoclonic ones, which affect the entire brain. I have both the focal aware and focal unaware seizures. Everyone’s symptoms are slightly different with them, but what remains the same across everyone who has them is that they affect one’s emotions, cognitive ability, sensory processing, and have some sort of physical affect too, often times.

With my focal aware seizures I am fully alert and aware of my surroundings, but I will often get a phantom smell that isn’t there, often time the smell of electrical fire or burning plastic that lasts about 15-20 seconds. Once I felt a huge wave of air go up my stomach and choke me (stomach rising sensation is a very common tale tell sign of a seizure). Unfortunately, I usually get more of the focal unaware seizures where I am unable to move my body while it is happening or my lack of awareness to things around me is gone. During these seizures I usually have Deja Vu (which is when something is oddly familiar or my brain brings me back to relieve a memory as if i teleported to the place and was literally reliving the memory again) or Jamais Vu(Which is when everything feels strange and sometimes I forget where I am or who I am with). Jamais Vu is scary and freaky. Sometimes I have a combination of seizure activity. I have had where I briefly black out and everything spins and starts to go dark and my body starts to fall. This has resulted in a few falls, including two down my basement stairs :/.

One of my scariest seizures was one I had yesterday and I saw myself having it because I was in front of my bathroom mirror when it happened and couldn’t move for a minute or two. I had been feeling off for about an hour where I felt really spacey, unable to focus, and extremely tired prior to it. Then I had some myoclonic seizures which gave me the urge head to the restroom. As I walked I thought I was actually going to pass out and hit the floor. I wasn’t sure what was happening yet. As I entered the bathroom I noticed my face was super pale and within a second or two I was weightless, stuck staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes went from the normal shiny light brown to a dark black and they looked cloudy/unclear. I could feel and hear my heartbeat slow to where it was barely beating and as I looked at my face it looked weird for a bit and I felt like I was looking at a stranger briefly. I felt as if I weren’t me. Once it ended came the flush of emotion, fear and then sadness. Finally the color came back to my face and I was able to move again. Then I felt no longer like I was going to pass out, but still a bit tired. I took it easy the rest of the evening because that took it out of me. I just had to lay my head down on the couch and curled into a ball for the next 20 minutes trying to recuperate. I believe I missed Mikki (my service dog) alerting me because I was already spacey. I am still a bit scared when I think about how I actually got to me see myself have a seizure. Now I know how freaked out my husband was when he saw me have on on Christmas day. He said I was extremely pale and looked very sick.

Everyone who has epilepsy has different forms of it and it slightly varies from each person. Some have absence seizures where they lose awareness briefly and stare. Some have seizures where their head falls back or forward. To make it more complicated everyone’s seizure triggers vary too. I still don’t really know what makes mine worse some days, but I do know lack of sleep/ change in sleep pattern is a biggie and that stress doesn’t help. I also learned too much water with Splenda flavoring will trigger several. As far as what else causes them for me…. I have no idea.

A common misunderstanding with epilepsy is that everyone is born with it and that it starts early in their childhood. This is the case for some, but for those of us like me...I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 25. I had my first seizure when I was 23. Could I have had some before and missed it? Yes because I was misdiagnosed with panic disorder prior. I thought I had something more than panic attacks going on, but that was the first go to because epilepsy can lead to anxiety disorders and depression.

A few other misunderstandings that those of us with epilepsy want people to know is that: medicine doesn’t automatically make them go away, and that it affects our everyday lives in more ways than you will ever know. I have been on medicine for a few months now and while it was decreased my focal seizures a ton, I still have two or three a month. My myoclonic seizures are still not controlled at all. I have at least one day a week where I have them on and off the entire day and night, and I have them periodically throughout the week more days than not. For some medicine has made them seizure free. I hope and pray I can get to that point! It’s a trial and error thing where you try different medicines and treatments hoping to find the best solution. Some do surgery if they have a tumor or a part of the brain that needs repaired. For many we just want people to understand that it is a chronic illness and that we are trying our best to fix it as much as we can. Epilepsy is more than a seizure. It affects mood, our energy level, our cognitive ability(before a focal unaware seizure I become unable to think clearly and feel like my brain shut off). Some days we are great days where we feel almost normal and have a lot of energy. Some days getting out of bed is a chore. Please understand that if we cancel plans or have to call off of work it is for a reason. We hate whenever epilepsy gets in the way of our plans.

So, what do those of us with epilepsy want from our non epileptic loved ones and friends? We want compassion, even if you don’t understand what is happening to us. Please don’t abandon us. We aren’t less because we have seizures nor are we not as intelligent. The worst thing you could do is cut someone out of your life because they had a seizure around you are or could have one around you. Yes they’re scary to witness, but they’re even scarier for the person having them. Apart from our epilepsy, we are normal human being. Rather than fear us having a seizure learn from us and research on what to do if we have one. Don’t rush to call 911 because unless we can’t break free from a seizure after 10 minutes or unless we actually injure ourselves, we will be fine and there is nothing the hospital can do for us except cost us $$$$$. We also want you to listen to us when we need to vent about them. Just please lend a listening ear. Pray for us to find a way to control our seizures/ become seizure free. If we don’t find a way to be seizure free than pray that God give us strength to continue our journey. Teach people that epilepsy doesn’t discriminate and that there is no one that looks like they have epilepsy. For the nonbeliever pray that they accept Jesus as the Lord and Savior and pray that God give them strength. Let us know we aren’t a burden and that you will love us regardless. Remind us when we are struggling that God is near us and cares for us. He will give us strength to make it through the hard days and it won’t always be this way. One day we will live in a perfect restored earth with no more illness or sorrow and reign with Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:16-19 NIV: 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Also, please treat us like we are normal. Don’t coddle us and don’t feel that we can’t do normal activities. Many epileptics like myself work full time jobs and still lead a healthy social life. Sometimes we have to call of sick more often or cancel, but for the most part we live normal lives. Some of us cannot work and cannot go out as much because some people have seizures more frequently than others. Even those people want to be treated as normal, trust me. I have spoken with them as I have befriended members from our close knit epilepsy social media group. Help us work toward a cure so that we can be freed from this awful illness.

Epilepsy has caused my life to change quite a bit. My dream of finally getting my drivers license is not going to happen, at least until I can be seizure free for 6 months. I have to find a job that I love but also isn’t an overload. I can’t always just go out and enjoy my days. Sometimes I have to stay home and lay in bed all day, and that I hate. Sometimes I slur my speech and sound like a drunk person. Sometimes I drop stuff. But I am still me. I still love with all of my heart. This life is only temporary and in Heaven one day there will be no more disease or illness. While epilepsy is no fun, I could have something even worse. I have a personal relationship with the creator of the universe. God watches over me and provides for me. I have so blessed despite epilepsy and I will continue to share my love for Jesus with everyone because I desire people to have salvation and know the freedom that comes from knowing Christ. I still have dreams of becoming a college professor eventually, getting that PhD, and meeting cool people like Yael Grobglas. By the way, Yael played a character named Anezka on JTV that had epilepsy, which was cool to see some representation. I am always afraid I will have a seizure and push people away, but the longer I have epilepsy the more I realize the ones that matter will stick by your side. And it is my job to spread awareness so that epilepsy is seen as less taboo and more understood.

Romans 8:17-18 NIV: Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.