Two of my girls being twins hehe
So ya, back to that ole’ crush haha. I never admitted it to him and he never admitted it to me, but everyone knew. It was kind of obvious, but is was innocent and sweet. When we were together I just wanted to think about the “right here, right now”. I will never forget him, even though we had a major fight that forever ended our friendship. Even though his family didn’t like me because I wasn’t “white”.He taught me a lot of things too and while he made me upset sometimes, he too helped me learn to have confidence in myself. He wouldn’t let me stay shy and timid in high school. He was determined to pull me out of my shell and he really helped me. Sometimes I wish I could remember to think about the “right here, right now” more often instead of worrying about what tomorrow brings, like I was able to do back when I was a kid. I believe that as I grow in my relationship with Christ, it will become more natural to let go and let God take the reigns. He has gotten me through so so many things, so I know I can rely on him.
This past year I am going to be honest, was tough. As much as I strive to be a strong Christian who never takes her eyes off of Jesus, I definitely felt myself stumble quite a bit. I haven’t been in the Word as much as I should be. I have been spending too much time on things distracting me from my circumstances instead of running right into God’s arms. I have focused way too much on my shortcomings and also lost my zeal for life at times too. It definitely became going through the motions a lot of the time between all of the deaths (THREE, THREE deaths in 2019.. No wait FOUR including my great aunt Doris), days my chronic illnesses were debilitating, finding out some of my immediate family have health conditions we didn’t know about, and the stress. So much so that I even began thinking is this it? Am I ever going to get back on track again? Will I forever be a train wreck who just falls further and further behind. Will Jesus finally say he has had enough and leave me to my own devices? As tempting as it has been to just hide away from everyone, I still feel God pulling me to Him. I still hear his whispers that He is with me wherever I go and that He loves me. I have a husband who works tirelessly to make sure I remember my worth, along with the best friends I could ask for. It sounds cheesy but it’s true. Without the special people God has perfectly placed in my life, I don’t know if I could keep on. It is so true that he provides who and what we need. My only hope is that I can be half as great of a spouse and friend that they have been to me. I mean last Saturday I spent the day with three friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time. It had been two years since I had gotten the chance to see Brittany, a little over a year since I got to see Melinda, and yeah two years since I saw Caitlin. I barely texted Melinda over the past year and I don’t think I texted Caitlin at all. I talked to Brittany a bit more, but not much more. I usually strive to check on my friends way more than I did this past year and yet, they didn’t mind. When I saw them, it was like old times. They gave me thoughtful gifts and made sure I felt loved. What did I do to deserve them? I definitely want to make sure I am a better friend this coming year. I thought they would eventually forget about me because I wasn’t staying in touch as much as I should be. But they have always stuck with me thick and thin. All of my best friends have. Kristin, Sarah, Brandy, Katie, Destiny, Vicki, Angela, and all others. I am beyond blessed.
In 2020 I definitely want to get back on track with spending quality time with Jesus and spending more time reaching out to my precious friends. I also want to fall in love with myself again. This year I have hated myself a lot. Hated how much I keep making mistakes. How much I am sick with migraines and seizures. Hated how I can’t drive and how I sometimes have to rely on others, when I would like to be the one helping. If my husband and friends can see good in me, and they stick around, then I must have some redeeming qualities. I can’t think of any good personal attributes, but I am thankful to have people who believe in me. Maybe in 2020 I can find out more about what makes me “special”. I do know in 2019 I finally came to terms with a part of me that is hard to share, but it makes me “me”. I really believe this self realization helps me make sense of my world and helps me relate to others who have it too. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it much as it is quite personal, and while I am an open book, some things are best kept to a few people. But if I ever do feel called to share, I will. I have struggled with the possibility for years and years and I finally am at peace just knowing. It doesn’t change me, I am still me. In 2020 I also hope to have some more adventures with Robbie, my dogs, and my friends. Some traveling with the hubby and dogs, and maybe a ladies trip too?!? I believe 2020 will be a better year, I just need to ride out the storm and let Jesus hold me. I all too often try to fix everything myself (yes I am stubborn but I get it from my dad ;) ), so starting today I am handing it over to Jesus.
2019 Wasn’t completely a bust either, so I want to reflect on the good blessings I experienced this year. I was blessed with an online teaching opportunity which has been amazing. I adore the children I get to teach and I believe this experience was a gift given to me by God to show that teaching is the career direction I am supposed to take. I am excited to see where it continues to go! Also in 2019 I got to see my besties Kristin and Kyle in North Carolina. Over the summer Robbie and I spent our three year wedding anniversary in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, and it was my first time there. We took all four dogs and it was so much fun! We stayed in a beautiful log cabin and had our own private hot tub. I love to explore so I can’t wait to travel more. God kept my dog safe when he was loose for two weeks after he escaped my friend’s house. God also gave my hubby a raise and from the sounds of things my other job may be giving me a raise too. I had my favorite actress retweet me a few times on twitter too (Yael Grobglas). My blog post I made a year ago about being a Christian with Chronic illness has touched almost 2,000 people! So I can’t say it was a completely terrible year. It was hard though, but I know it can only get better from here.
So why did I just share all of this? Well I know others have had a hard year too. For some 2019 was their year and I am overjoyed for them. But for others like me, it involved loss, hurt, death, sadness, sorrow, sliding, etc. I want you to know you aren’t alone and to not be afraid to turn to your friends because if you’ve got true ones, they will help you through. Also please ask God to help you through. And don’t stress if you aren’t keeping up as much as you should be. Rather let God and those he was placed into your life hold you. Those special people will be who keep you from falling too far. If you don’t have many friends, go ahead and ask Jesus to bring some into your life. About eh, 7 years ago or so I was sad because I didn’t have many friends after removing some toxic ones. But, he answered my prayers and my heart is full. If there is someone you’d like to get to know better, don’t be afraid to get to know them. Just be sure to guard your heart and understand not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is worthy of being called a close friend. And that’s okay. Last year I met a woman who I had to have in my life. I would have done anything for her to be my best friend because she seemed perfect. She had her life together, was confident, and beautiful. There was just something about her that I will never forget. But despite how I tried to become friends, it was clear she didn’t have the same desire. Don’t be me. If someone is meant to be your friend they will put in an effort without having to be chased. God will give you who you need and they will need you too. It’ll be a beautiful balance. Just look at my good friends? I am just me and they love me. I still don’t know what they see in me, but they love me and I love them too. Each of them are wonderful. Let God pick those who are special in your life and you won’t be disappointed. Also take time to remember what blessings you do have.
P.s. whenever I struggle I remember my favorite song from middle school called “What if” by Jadon Lavik. Here is a link to it. It is a beautiful song about God’s unfailing love <3
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx32YIm6v5c
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17 NIV
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV
The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV
How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! Psalm 133:1 NIV
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