Many of you may or may not know that ever since middle school, I have had someone always trying to belittle me and make me feel as though I am less than others. It started with several girls constantly making fun of me because I used to be shy and timid. They would call me fat, ugly, they would make fun of my light skin color(for someone biracial), they would call me a poodle because of my hair. A few of them even told me that they wished I were dead, and that no man would ever want me(not that I cared at that time, I wasn't interested in a dating relationship). Anyway, I would internalize those things even though I knew that I had worth in Christ because it seemed so true. The devil was so good at tricking me into believing I was less than others. My friends would even say that I was weird and stupid, so for a while I assumed it was true. I never shared it with my mom until high school because I was too embarrassed. In high school I learned more of who I was as a person and who I was in Christ, but at times that inferiority complex would still nag at me. I tried my best to ignore it though as I went to church more and had better friends. However, high school had some events that made me question my worth once more, despite knowing I had a relationship with God and that I was righteousness in his eyes thanks to accepting the gift of salvation from his son Jesus. You see, just because we accept Christ doesn't mean we are always in tune with him and it doesn't exempt us from sin and the devil's schemes to try and wreck our lives. He can't steal our salvation, but he does a good job of making us miserable if we don't recognize his attacks.
Sexual assault from a stranger at a random store and having a leader from my home church humiliate me because of my top were two high school events that hurt me the most. I was already terrified of men I didn't know after my experience, and it just made me more distrusting of men and even church leaders after someone said such mean things to me. It was the way I was spoken to and what was said that hurt. I was told that I should be ashamed of myself for wearing a top that was slightly low cut because it was causing her husband and the pastor to sin, and that I was awful for causing others to sin. I had no idea my top was slightly revealing quite honestly, and I would never purposely cause any man to fall into sin, especially married men and a pastor. The words stung and they made me feel as though I was a mere object. God only cared about men and not women, that is what I got from that kind of statement. That isn't true and it took me quite a while to realize that.
A few months later it didn't make it better that my first boyfriend, who was a "Christian" from my friend's church, would always manipulate me and try to get me to sleep with him, even though I kept telling him no because I knew that God would want me to remain pure until marriage. I thought that because he went to Church and said he was a Christian, that he loved Jesus and that he would treat me right. The way he treated me made me think that all Christian men were like that, and it made me a little sad. I eventually left him after he cheated on me. However, after the hurt I went through with him and even how some more "fake" friends treated me, I thought that my purpose in life was perhaps to be abused by others. I had people who hated me for no reason even though I tried to be friendly with them. I had an ex that was Christian but treated me like an object. I had a Christian leader basically tell me that I am the reason men sin and that they aren't accountable for their actions. I thought that maybe God wanted me to get hurt by others instead of other people getting hurt because I would still be able to share the gospel with them, and since I was "inferior" it didn't matter if I got hurt. One day I told my mother this, convinced it was true, and she was heartbroken. My mother assured me that God would never want me to be hurt, and that I couldn't let others define me. She prayed over me and we read scripture on my worth. After that moment I began to seek how God really viewed me, and to believe that.
In college I joined Campus Crusade for Christ(Cru) hoping that it could connect me with other Christians so that we could grow together in our walks with God and edify each other..and it did..at first. I met a few new friends and I felt God was moving in my life. Through Cru I went on my first mission trip and learned the importance of being able to share the gospel with complete strangers, and I learned the importance of spending time with God everyday. A lot of my peers became bible study leaders the next year, and I wanted to become one too because I wanted to lead other younger girls to God and I had a firm understanding of the word. Yet, many of my friends became leaders and I didn't because I apparently wasn't ready. I accepted that and went on continuing to grow in my walk with God. Fast forward to my junior year, I met my now husband and he became interested in knowing Jesus personally, so we both went on the spring break mission trip together. It was a great trip and I saw my husband grow so much spiritually in that week. (Little did I know that was the time he actually accepted Jesus into his heart. My spirit noticed how on fire he was for the Lord and now I know why ;)). The only problem I had with the trip, is people kept saying that we were too committed and serious to each other, and that we should only see each other once a week. We were just like any other Christian couple, and we had boundaries in our relationship. We noticed that no one else was treated the way we were by leaders, and it felt strange. I knew of other people on the trip who were living openly in sexual sin with their significant other, and they were not treated the way we were. We were trying our best to live a Godly life and lead a Godly relationship. Why was there opposition? I could understand if we were crossing boundaries we shouldn’t and they knew us both well, but the leaders barely knew us and our relationship. Nothing they told us about our relationship was biblical and I felt awkward, as if I didn’t fit in with the organization. There was even one leader who said very negative things(that weren't true) about me to my now husband. Why? How was this Godly, and what was the point? Now we get the final laugh because we knew we were meant to be together and the devil didn't get his way of splitting us apart. Our experience goes to show that satan can even use Christians to sin and try and destroy.
The following year was my senior year of college and I had been given a leadership position in Cru, but not a bible study leader. I was a missional leader, which meant that I planned get togethers for the bible study that I was assisting with in order to get to know the girls better and to develop lasting relationships. I felt very excited because I love people and I love planning get togethers, so I thought I would finally be able to serve God and others at my full potential. I noticed only one other girl was a missional leader in our group of leaders, and that the rest were bible study leaders, but that didn’t concern me. Things went great at first, and during fall retreat I felt like I had bonded very closely with each of my bible study girls. I was trying my best to be a Godly example to them. I wanted them to feel that they could trust me with anything and I wanted to gently teach them God’s truth in his word and lead by example. In fact, three of those girls are close friends to this day. One was in my wedding this past summer and is one of my best friends. It has been a pleasure to see her grow in Christ and to have such a lovely sister in Christ. So yes, there were many blessings that did come out of me being a part of Cru because God is good and has nothing but the best for his people. Yet, along with the good came very much hurt and isolation.
Weekly we would have a bible study for just leaders and it was great at first...until I noticed that I didn’t fit in. I could tell that I was an outcast and that there were more “popular” leaders. There were a few genuine girls who did say that they appreciated me and that they liked it when I spoke up, but I could tell that I wasn’t wanted by most. One of the leaders of our leadership bible study made it very clear she didn’t like me and that she didn’t believe I should exist. Let me explain; she believed that white and black people really didn’t belong together and that they shouldn’t marry. She may have not blatantly said she hated biracial people, but that statement and her actions spoke louder than words. She was supposed to disciple me weekly and she only met up with me once or twice, while she made sure to disciple all of her other girls regularly. She seemed bothered by my presence and annoyed by me. Others even noticed how she treated me differently. My bible study girls even pointed it out to me. I tried so hard to be the best leader I could be and to show everyone love, even her. Eventually I felt as though I wanted to disappear and that everyone would be happier if I weren’t alive. I began wishing that God would just take me to Heaven already because I had been failing him since I clearly wasn’t as good of a leader as the others. If even Christians didn’t like me, then I guess I had failed as one and that I didn’t have a good purpose. For the first time in my life I wanted to hurt myself, and if it weren’t for God making sure I had a caring roommate Kristin, my dog Luke, and my now husband Robbie in my life to notice something was wrong and to act, I don’t know what would have happened. You see, I was at a very low time in my life not just because of them, but because of a dangerous situation I had been put in thanks to a backstabbing frienemy and the ex I dated in college before Robbie. It goes to show that isolation can devastating for the believer. We need real Christian companionship or we will fall.
So that ex. Well he was once again a “Christian” and he did a better job of putting on a front than my first ex did, at first. I won’t go into the details of our relationship because that is neither here nor there, but when he broke up with me my sophomore year of college, he showed his real colors. He became very controlling and manipulative. It took a lot of strength to cut ties with him because he preyed on my sympathies and always apologized for his sinful behavior. We had been broken up for several years when he apologized over Facebook for the way he had treated me. I accepted it and talked to him a bit and then blocked him because I felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to be friends with him. A few months later he thought it was ok to begin stalking me and threatening me. He would show up at Cru events and try to get physically close to me and follow me into the hallway. Luckily a good friend of mine saw his behavior and wouldn’t leave my side. She said she could see the “crazy” in his eyes and she wasn’t a fearful person. I was literally afraid for my life as this man owned guns and wasn’t mentally stable(which I didn’t know when I dated him, else I never would have). One of my former friends thought it would be cute to tell him places I would be at and to hang out with him, knowing he was stalking me, because she always had to have drama in her life. It got to the point where if I had to tell Cru about it and their response was to meet up with him in public and tell him to leave me alone. I felt as though they didn’t really care about how serious or dangerous my situation was, and that was once again another stab to my wound. At that point, my common sense told me to go to law enforcement authorities and now I am safe thankfully. I still felt so low and meaningless, so I began to distance myself from Cru.
I began attending church with Robbie and I went to a Sunday bible study there. I felt myself growing again spiritually and I began to realize that I did have worth once more. The more I attended church on a regular basis outside of Cru, the more I realized that God does have a purpose for me and that he had great plans for me. I began to see how Christians really treat each other and I had a pastor that was actively involved in both mine and Robbie’s life. All the leaders at the church praised us for deciding to make God such an important part of our lives and loved that we were following Jesus together. They knew that we were meant to marry, just like we knew. We just waited for the proper time, as God’s timing is always best. They never told us unbiblical things or made us feel like an outcast. They showed us there were real authentic Christians who actually loved us and wanted to get to know us. They wanted to edify us and help us be all we could be. That was refreshing and amazing. I will always cherish my time at Albany Baptist Church in Athens, Ohio. Oh and go figure, it was also the church that my crazy ex went to. They knew this and they knew that it didn’t matter because everyone is welcome in God’s house. However, they wouldn’t tolerate it if he tried to harm me. He and his family quit going eventually because they didn’t want to be around us, and that is ok with me. I pray that they find the truth and a church that suits them.
I have continued to grow ever since I broke free from the burden of Cru controlling my life. I am still healing and growing though, which brings me to the main reason I felt led to write this post. One thing Cru and other Christians drilled in my head that I thought was true was the fact that I need to be the light in the lives of others, even if it means that I am uncomfortable or taken advantage of. I knew that my ex had no right to treat me the way he did, but I didn’t see that in other situations. I have a few friends that I are non-believers that I have shared the truth with many times, and they still choose not to accept Christ. I thought that if I stayed in their lives trying to lead by example and telling them what Christ has done and continues to do for me, that one day I would see them accept him. I had planted the seed many times, and I thought it was necessary to continue planting the seed in hopes that one day it would get watered. Well along the way one of them has began to try and manipulate and control me any chance that she gets. She always has something negative to say about every aspect of my life. She insults my looks and always mentions how annoying it must be to have my hair. She tells me that I am stupid and that I am wasting my time getting my Master’s degree because it is a waste of money and that I won’t get a good job. She tells me that I shouldn’t live in a nice area because it is too much money and that I need to buy a house already. She tells me what type of dog to like and what type of dog not to like because the breed of dog she likes is superior. She tells me not to buy something because surely I can’t have the money for that. She makes recommendations for what clothes I should wear. She thinks I should make decisions without my husband knowing. They have mocked my beliefs before by saying something else is their rock and savior like Jesus is mine. What sucks is I have known these people so long and I felt as though I am obligated to stay a part of their life because the one who was my best friend growing up doesn’t have any other friends. I felt as though I was betraying her if I cut ties. However, since they want me to dishonor my husband and they don’t respect my religion/faith, I have made the decision to finally cut them out of my life after knowing them for so long.
Cru would tell me to still be a part of their life because they need the light, but God is telling me that I’ve done all I can do. He calls us to plant the seed and then leave the rest to him. 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 says : I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 7 So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. I planted the seed, now is time for someone else to water it and God will grow it. I am not God so my part is done. The best thing I can do for them is to walk away and let God keep working. If I remain friends with them, it could harm my marriage and my walk with God eventually. Plus I hate how they make me feel as if I am worthless. God has revealed to me that he doesn’t desire that I remain with people who want to harm me and his plan for me, and he doesn’t want us to be around mockers. Let me be clear, we are certainly called to be friends with non-believers so that we can show them his truth and share the gospel. However, if that friendship causes you to fall into sin or they begin mocking your faith, then it is time to forgive and move on. This is a huge thing for me as I hate cutting ties with people, but I know that it is the right thing to do. I will continue to pray for them and God will take care of it from there. It is so freeing now that I understand that it is okay to let people go if necessary. These friends are just one example of how I’ve struggled with staying around people who hurt me because I thought I would upset God if I left the relationships behind. I know many of you have probably felt the same, and this is why I wanted to share this with you.
Friends I want you to know that it is okay to leave a situation if you are being hurt over and over again, and if you have planted the seed by sharing the gospel. I also want you to know that you are loved and cherished, and that no human determines your worth whether they are other believers or not. We all fall short of the glory of God and people will hurt us. The important thing is to forgive and move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to go back to the way things were before or that we even have to have contact for those who have hurt us. What it does mean is that we give it to God and we don’t harbor any bitterness toward them. We then pray for their salvation and healing and move on. If you are reading this and you aren’t saved, I pray that you take a moment to ask Jesus into your heart as Lord and Savior of your life, and that you ask him to forgive you of your sins. He accepts you where you are, all you have to do is accept his gift and he will reveal himself to you. I hope for any of you that are reading this that you have been encouraged to serve the Lord more, to give any hurt to him, to forgive and to remove anyone that hinders your walk with God and your well-being. I also want to say that I don’t hate Cru or think that the entire organization of Cru is bad, there are just some major flaws I have seen and it, and actually every since Christian college organization I have been a part of. There are many benefits to them, but you have to know when truth is being spoken to you, or when someone is trying to make their opinions fact instead of Biblical truth. God bless <3.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
