I am someone who is a planner, always looking to the future. I have goals, ambition, dreams, drive. I want to build a good career, I want to be a good leader and help others in their walk with the Lord. I want to be the best wife, friend, sister, and daughter possible, and dog mom. I love to plan fun things to do with my friends and vacations. I also like to think ahead to the future. I enjoy each day, but I am always looking to how I can improve the lives of those around me. How can I be a better friend? How can I improve the relationship? How can I overcome my disabilities (epilepsy, chronic migraines, anxiety..)?. How can I put my degrees to best use? How can I please God? I get excited knowing the future is bright and that is what I look forward to each morning...and those are good things don’t get me wrong. BUT… I have a problem oftentimes living in the MOMENT and accepting where things are currently at. I sometimes miss out on my current blessings, or I actually add to my stress and anxiety without realizing it because I am creating unrealistic expectations. There were some things I didn’t even know I was doing that was impacting my mental health as well as my spiritual walk with the Lord and just my life in general until I joined my bestie M and her hubby at their church for a new series their pastor was doing on mental health. I never had a pastor cover the topic before and Robbie and I were amazed at how well he did the first two sermons, that we kept coming back. We both have mental health conditions, he has Major Depressive Disorder and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder along with mild to moderate depression. We have been misunderstood most of our lives and also told inappropriate things in regards to our health, even by Christians, so it was quite refreshing to have a pastor demonstrate how the Bible has many instances of people who suffer from mental conditions and how God cares for them.
My new (new to me and Robbie) pastor has continued to do a wonderful job with the series and is about to wrap up. Each sermon has spoken to me and taught me something/ a better way to handle my own disorders/ how to help others and how to see things from God’s perspective. However, the one that has spoke to me the most was the one on Stress. You see, stress itself isn’t a mental illness...but it often accompanies one and it is very taxing on the body. And my pastor was certainly correct when he said that it can cause things like stroke, migraines, etc. My dad had his first stroke as a result of increased stress at his workplace and not watching his blood pressure back when I was 12/13. A big trigger for my migraines and seizures is when I am stressed(not my ONLY trigger, I wish though). But a lot of times when I am stressed I don’t even know how to de-escalate my stress or why I am so stressed in the first place...which is why I enjoyed the sermon all the more. Sure there are times when we know exactly when we are stressed, like when we get into a car accident (which happened to a family member of mine this week and thankfully they are okay). Or when we have a deadline to meet. Or for me I am stressed when I feel I can’t say no to someone...or when someone from my past is back to harassing me again along with the entirety of Facebook on their behalf. However, there are plenty of times when we don’t know what really is stressing us out because sometimes we are so used to our stressors that we can’t even recognize the specific stressor. So my pastor helped us identify when we are dealing with stress as well as how to manage it so that we can lead a more peaceful life the way God intended it to be.
The first thing that can lead to stress is something that I myself do way more than I’d like to admit: setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves. So I work two jobs; One is an online teaching job where I teach English to children in China and the other is a Home Health Aide job. All together I usually work 40-45 hours a week. Well with my migraines these past few months I’ve been working closer to 36-40 hours a week because some days I could only do half days or I had to take a day off if I was so sick I could barely function. On those days I would get very upset with myself and I would feel stressed and worthless because I felt I needed to work harder because after all taking care of myself would be lazy, right? It didn’t even occur to me that my body was crying out for a break… which leads me to the next point. If we are stressed our bodies will let us know too. We will get sick more often, we will catch more colds, have more stomach troubles, more aches, etc. It didn’t even dawn on me that someone with chronic illnesses could make them even worse than they already were, but I am now certain I at times have been...aka working against myself..yikes. Sometimes when we are stressed we are too focused on something other than God or we make the stressor BIGGER than God himself so we become consumed with it because we make a giant out of something that God already has in his hands. Trust me, this is something we all do and it’s easy to do. In fact again I do it all too often and it triggers my anxiety and depression too so then I become a ball of fear, sadness, and not wanting to eat or do anything but stare at my phone for hours or find another way to escape. But I find if I escape my feelings it does no good because once I come back to it, it’s still there and I am back to square one. So… rather than escape or pretend it’s not there we have a much healthier and Godlier way to get rid of our stress.
One way we get rid of our stress is we take time to enjoy life and relax. When I heard my pastor say this I’ve thought about all of the times I’ve wrestled with this. I’ve thought I was selfish and sinful if I did things for fun in the past. And I still sometimes feel guilty for just sitting and doing nothing even on my off days. So it is a work in progress. But I have to recognize that He did create us to enjoy life and He did give us passions and interests for a reason. So my love for spending time hiking with my dogs and my hubby, or just walking at the park with them is glorifying Him. And when I desire to connect with my girls and deepen my friendships with them, that is how He made me. We were made for relationships and my bubbly, loving, extroverted personality wants nothing but the best for my precious gems who I call my close friends. I have a hard time loving myself because I was rejected all of my life, but I am learning to love myself more and more each day and how God made me and I hope each of you love yourselves too because you are precious. You were made in his image and each of you are unique. And he made you special with special talents, and desires.
We also can find peace and stress relief when we read God’s Word and his truth and we reflect on his truth. The more we think about his truth and read it, the more we can replace stress and negative thoughts with positive true thoughts. We also can cling to the truth that God has only good for us and that His plan for us is the best plan...way better than we could imagine and way better than a plan we could make for ourselves. Here are some truths God promises us! <3
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1 John 3:1 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Matthew 11:29 NIV
“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” Jeremiah 31:25 NIV
The last few weeks I have been seeing a new therapist who has been helping me with my anxiety and depression, and Robbie and I are thrilled with our new church. We feel like it is a great fit and we're excited to see how God grows us there. As I work through my anxiety and how to better cope with it, I am also working on how to put God first more in my life and to give the reins back to Him. It is so easy for me to have the vision of how my life should look all planned out in my mind and compare my life to others, not in an envious way either, but more in a goal way. Like I should have a career because all of my friends do. And I am less than because I have chronic illnesses they don’t. But this thinking steals joy and it also doesn’t allow God to work properly. Plus it puts stress on me and I feel miserable when I don’t meet another expectation I had put in place. So instead of trying to reach such high goals, I am working on living more in the moment. 2020 has been a crazy year for us all but I have had blessings come out of it too. So I am making sure I count my blessings each day.
I want to make sure I give thanks to Jesus each day and that I spend my days enjoying time with my dogs, including our newest addition Coco. Having a lot of dogs might sound crazy to some, but to me it is paradise on earth. I also want to cherish those I love more and enjoy the life given to me. I don’t want it to slip away. I have seen first hand this summer how God can use the most unexpected situations to bring about divine meetings and intervention, so I have to remember He is in control and I can trust that, fully. I have already noticed I am at peace more when I am not worrying about tomorrow or the future, but rather thinking about today. Yes I continue to struggle with anxiety because mental illness doesn't just go away. But, I am learning healthy coping mechanisms when I get in a rut where I am spiraling and I can't quit worrying about what someone thinks of me or why someone didn't text me back or why someone got mad at me. And just enjoying the life God has given me and His presence each day gives such a great sense of peace, joy, and purpose that I can't explain in words alone. Yesterday and last night I had some awful seizures all day and night, some I hadn’t had in months even and today I have a very sore leg I can barely walk on. But rather than be sad about it, I am just thankful I am alive. Because before I was diagnosed with epilepsy/ before medication there was a time I stopped breathing in my sleep...and if it weren’t for Mikki and my husband and the grace of God I wouldn’t be alive to type this right now. So I tell you, God is good, always. God bless my friends <3
