I was blessed to be raised in a Christian home, and I accepted Christ into my heart at 9 years of age. At the time, I thought that was it and that life would perfect from there one. However, my young mind was wrong. I spent the next several years trying to learn where I fit in the world, and my middle school years in particular where some of the worst of my life. From the start of 6th grade, I was greeted with girls that hated every fiber in me, simply because of my innocence and my race. I was also the prime target for both guy and girl bullies because of my shyness and the awkward stage we all go through during puberty. As a result, I began to hate myself and wished that I didn't exist. I would try to avoid the girls who told me that I was ugly, fat, too light skinned to be biracial, that they wanted to kill me, and that I was annoying. Sadly despite trying to avoid them,their remarks sank in, and I began to internalize it to the point that I decided it would be best if I barely ate and exercised for at least two hours every evening after homework. I would spend countless hours crying wishing that I could just be one race or the other, or that I could have prettier, straighter hair, because then I would be accepted. This continued until I began high school. Had I not had my best friend Dianna and a few other people in my life, I'm not sure I would have made it.
The early part of high school I met some friends who began to treat me the way friends should. I met a few Christian friends, who helped put some things into perspective for me. It was a fresh start, and I began to realize that God viewed me as a beautiful being, regardless of what others thought. I began to eat normal again and began the process of loving me. I also began to spend more time in prayer with God and would read his word more often. I felt as though my life was finally perfect... yet I was wrong again.
A few months into my sophomore year of high school, I had something awful happen to me, something that no young girl should have to deal with. Once when I was at the grocery store, I had a very odd guy approach me and ask what type of cat food as the best, as I was putting some into my cart. I got a weird vibe from him, but I decided to ignore because I thought I was wrong. I wish I would have just ran. After answering his question, the man pestered me asking if I was Hispanic and wouldn't take no for an answer. Before long he cornered me in a section of a store where no one else was and proceeded to fondle me. I felt terrible and I was too terrified to scream, so I just ran as fast I could to tell someone what had happened. After that incident, I lost trust in men for quite some time, and was too afraid to go anywhere by myself. It took months to finally not have dreams of being kidnapped and raped, and to regain my independence. Throughout this hard time though, I drew near to God and I could feel him healing me slowly but surely-- and while it was awful, I was so blessed and thankful that the guy didn't have a gun and that he didn't take me away-- else I wouldn't be here today writing this.
The remainder of high school I focused on what young girls typically focus on: boys and trying to be popular. Despite knowing God was there and that he is where my satisfaction comes from, I bought into the lies of society. I thought listening to the latest pop artists and trying to get every single crush I had to notice me was how I would be satisfied-- and again I was wrong. While the rest of my high school experience was nothing less than a typical one, and while I went to my friend's church's youth group almost every week, my relationship with God was stagnant. I didn't trust him with my dating life and I didn't think he needed to be a very important part of my life, sadly. I thought the most important things were my first boyfriend, whom I began dating halfway through my senior year of high school, and my friends. It wasn't until college that I would finally begin to grow.
I was very excited to begin college because I have always been a very independent person, and one of my old best friends, Vikki, was going to be one of my roommates. My freshman year of college started off great. I made new friends, had dance parties with my girls almost every night of the week, and met a friend that I was crazy about. She and I were like glue and we were almost too close of friends haha. Not to mention, I was still dating that first boyfriend and I was so excited to see him graduate from army bootcamp. Oh and I joined an organization called Cru, that was recommended by a friend from my church back at home. I enjoyed going to Cru's bible study each week and I started to spend time with God almost every day, rather than just once a week or so. I felt as though my life was perfect once more, and once more, I was wrong.
I was very excited to see my bf at the time graduate from basic and thought that the entire trip was going to be a blast. Yet, I learned something about him that I wish I would have never learned. On one of his free days, we went to the park to enjoy a lovely sunny September day, just the two of us. I thought it was just going to be a nice romantic walk and a picnic. However, when we were just hanging out near a pond, he tried to sexually assault me. Just as I was freaking out and hoping that anything would happen to get him to stop, an army sergeant happened to be walking down a path nearby. Unfortunately, the sergeant did not see what was happening, but I was grateful that the sergeant walked by because that is what saved me. I was devastated and felt so unworthy. Yet I didn't know how to breakup with him, and the only way that I was able to be freed from the horrible relationship was him cheating on me. It wasn't fun being cheated on, but today I am grateful because it meant I would have a chance to be in a true Godly relationship. God also used the hurt as an opportunity to show his love for me and how he could heal me from the hurt.
One evening after the breakup, I remember crying my eyes out and just asking God to comfort me--and he did. As I was sobbing, I suddenly felt an intense warm feeling as if someone had hugged both my body and my heart, and suddenly I quit crying. I felt content all of the sudden and I realized that God was actually reaching down to hug and comfort me. It was amazing, and I have never felt anything quite like it. He continued to reveal himself to me the following week, when I came face to face with an angel. You see, I was on my way to get envelopes when a cute old lady ,with a sparkle to her eye, approached me. Something about her felt different and I was amazed that she knew who I was, because I didn't know her. She told me that she knew I was a Christian and that God wanted me to know everything was going to be ok. I was shocked and wanted to talk to her some more after she began to walk away, but when I turned around, she had vanished. It was amazing.
A few weeks after that, I went on my first mission trip to Panama City Beach, Florida, during my spring break. During that week, I met a few of my now best friends, such as Brandy :), and also began to learn the importance of sharing my faith with others. Throughout the entire week I learned different ways to share my faith and how if we don't share our faith, then some people may never hear about Jesus. I also learned the importance of spending time with God daily in prayer and through reading the bible. I couldn't imagine my life without Jesus, as he where my joy comes from and he is who guides me through this brutal world. The first day of sharing the gospel on the beach, the speaker mentioned how when we pray God will put the right people in our path who need to hear the gospel and who will be able to connect with us. Long and behold the first spiritual conversation I had on the beach was with a young woman who had a sibling with Autism, just like me. God was at work and through our conversation I was able to connect with her and she said that she could see how God had worked in my life, so she was considering following Jesus as well. I felt great because God had used me and I got to see God work on someone's heart before my eyes. The trip was so great, that I went on it every spring break of my undergraduate career.
After that trip, I felt like I had grown so much in my walk with God, and I began to put him first. Everyday after I would give him thanks and would spend time outside under the trees reading his word. I also did my first devotional book that summer and began to feel satisfied by God rather than other things. I also was content in being single. Life was finally going to be perfect I thought...but I was wrong again. It would take one more serious time of being wrong before I began to realize that my life will never be perfect and that is exactly why I need to always lean on God and his guidance rather than my own selfish desires.
Toward the end of my first summer in college, I met the ideal Christian man. At least it seemed that way. We began dating and everything felt amazing. I was on such an emotional high for months that I began to put that boyfriend on a pedestal above God, which was very dangerous. As a result, I thought that we would eventually get married and that he was what satisfied me. How soon had I forgotten what God had just taught me that summer, and I learned the hard way that only by putting God first would I ever have the best life possible. The relationship was short lived and after he graduated from air force bootcamp, he broke my heart. Both breakups I have experienced were hard, but this was was definitely the worst of the two. I felt as if God was punishing me unfairly and as a result, I turned my back on him for a while. I didn't pray for a few weeks and I couldn't even get the energy to read the bible. Everyday felt as thought I was being stabbed in the lungs. I didn't want to do anything besides go to class because I had too. Luckily, God put a friend in my life ,who will always be one of my best friends, that would make sure that I did fun things and try her hardest to get my mind off of it. We both were going through hard breakups and together we helped each other grow closer to God and get over the hurt.
A few months after the breakup, I realized that God was actually protecting me all along and that he was preparing me to one day meet the right guy. I realized this after my ex became very abusive whenever we would communicate and began to manipulate me. He would treat me worse than a spider on the wall, and for the longest I couldn't get the strength to ignore him. However, despite it all, God helped me get the strength to move forward and to learn how to put him first again. I gave up trying to find the perfect guy and finally surrendered my dating life to God, and something very powerful began to happen. I began to not care about being single and I began to learn more about who I was. I began to also learn more about God's love for me and it was the most freeing experience. It took time, but God healed me from that hurt and helped me learn how to be complete without another human being. God taught me that I need to find satisfaction in him alone and that one day I would meet a nice guy to share my life with me. But even then I would need to always remember that that guy was a compliment to my life, not the center of my life.
Throughout my junior and senior years of college, I slowly began surrendering every aspect of my life to God, from finances to what I did in my free time. I can now say without a doubt that no matter what struggle I go through, God will help me through and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. God has also placed so many blessings in my life as a result of living a life fully surrendered to him. Some of those blessings include meeting a truly Godly man that knows how to love me as Christ loves us, getting a good paying summer job and getting a nice library job at OU, getting an adorable dog that I couldn't imagine life without, and becoming best friends with one of my roommates last year, to name a few. He also blessed me with the opportunity to be a leader to younger girls who were just beginning their walks with God.
So what does living a life surrendered to God look like? Well no one's walk with God is identical, but there are a few things that are true for every Christ follower. The first is that in order to live the best life possible now and to know without a doubt that you will live eternity in paradise with God when you die, you must accept that you are broken and in need of a savior. Then you pray to ask Jesus into you heart and from there he will begin working on you. You don't have to change first, because God loves you as you are now and he will work on your heart. The other part of it is spending time with God daily and praying that he will lead you to the best life that he has planned for you. What do I mean by this? Well we can choose to live our lives without acknowledging God and without ever trusting him. But that means a life full of stress, sorrow and then eternal hell. It is hard to choose God's will for our lives because it often means trusting the unseen and sometimes it isn't easy. I'll admit I still struggle with it, and I always will because I am only human. Yet when I do choose God's will for my life, I always end up joyful no matter what the circumstance and I am given a special kind of peace that I can get from no where else. Truly there is no better peace. At times I lose my focus still and accidentally put things above him for a few days-- but whenever this happens I feel a void in my heart that is only filled once I focus on God once more.
My life will never be perfect because we as humans aren't perfect. But because of Jesus I will live a fulfilling life and will endure all things. Just this time last year I had to deal with an ex that had begun stalking me and it was terrifying, but God helped me through it. This summer, I almost died from a potential car accident. I was heading home from moving out of my apartment the day after graduation and was in a stuffed rental car with my dog on my lap. When my mom got the green arrow to turn, we began to turn when suddenly a large car going over 70 mph ran the light. I screamed because it looked as though we were going to get smacked. All I could say was JEEEESUUUSSSSSSS because I was so frightened and I prepped myself to die. There appeared to be no space between that car and ours, but by the grace of God we weren't hit. God made a miracle happen because my mom and I were still meant to be alive-- and I am so grateful. So my hope is that from my story you see that God is real. Thank you for taking the time to hear my story and I love you all <3.
