Through my life's storms, Jesus remains faithful

I have been going back and forth as to whether or not to write a blog post about some of the things that have happened in my life these past few months. I wasn’t sure if it would be as good of a blog as some of my other posts, because this one is not as positive as the others. However, God has been putting it on my heart to share it with you because he at work in me even through the hard trials. Christians can have life events that leave them heartbroken and taken aback, just like the non-believer. The difference is through our storms Jesus carries us when we feel so tired that we just want to collapse or too hurt to even take another breath. Without Jesus I wouldn’t be here today and this is why I write because I want you to have hope in Christ as well.

Ever since the beginning of October I have felt like I have been tumbling down a mountain non-stop. It started with the change of seasons. Usually I love the fall, but this time was different. The minute the temperature dropped I fell very blue. There would be several days where all I could do after work is sit and stare at the wall. I didn’t feel like myself and some of those awful thoughts I had a few months before were coming back. I couldn’t understand why I would break out in tears at random, and have some of the worst panic attacks I had in quite a while. My mood would fluctuate so easily and I felt miserable. I felt as if I were a failure and that I annoyed every person I came into contact with. I just wanted to disappear so that I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone I cared about. I didn’t know what was going on, but through those few weeks of deep sadness, I had a good friend that I consider a wise older sister praying on my behalf. One night when I was shedding tears, I felt a burden being lifted off of my shoulders and I suddenly felt the peace of the Holy Spirit comforting me. I instantly felt more like my normal self and was reminded right then that I wasn’t alone, and that Christ hadn’t given up on me. The next day I found out that during the time I felt immense peace, my dear friend was praying over me and for my sadness to lift. She prayed that I would experience joy instead of sorrow, and joy is what I experienced for several days after. Things began to get better toward the end of the month with my new chihuahua MaeMae getting closer to me and a few blessings coming our way.

In early November I went to see a special doctor at the request of my regular doctor. My doctor suspected that I had a disease, so she wanted a few tests done.  I was nervous but I bravely bit the bullet. About a week after I had bloodwork and an ultrasound done one of my biggest fears was confirmed: I had Poly Ovarian Cystic Disease and a huge cyst on my left ovary that they wanted to monitor to see if I would need surgery. The funny thing is for several months I had suspected that I had this disease but was too afraid to get it checked out because I didn’t want to face reality. Well now that I know I have PCOS, there were several things that I found out. One was that I was insulin resistant, causing me to keep weight on despite exercise. Another was that I had high cholesterol. Those two made sense, but the third thing was a missing piece to my health puzzle. PCOS causes an imbalance all throughout the body, including the mind. PCOS had caused my brain to have a very low level of Serotonin, which is why I had been feeling blue. I not only have generalized anxiety disorder, but also depression.  The PCOS was exacerbating my anxiety mental illness and had caused a secondary one. I can remember two years ago having another Christian tell me that I had severe anxiety and panic attacks because I didn’t trust God enough. I remember getting upset with myself thinking why can’t I have better self control. Why must I have anxious thoughts that I cannot control and why am I sad when I don’t have a “reason” to be. Well, besides genetics, a physical disease was affecting me. It wasn’t due a lack of trust in Christ, because through it all I knew he would carry me. Finding out I had a disease that causes imbalance and may possibly render me infertile was a lot to take in. My husband and I eventually want children, and to hear that may never happen was hard. Yet, I decided to give it to Christ and trust that He has the best plan for us even when it may not make sense to me. God also works in mysterious ways because a college friend of mine also has the disease, and while I don’t wish it on anyone, we have been able to help each other through all the “fun” stuff it causes: from depression and weight gain, to even unfortunate miscarriages. My friend is also a Christ follower and we know that God allowed us to be friends so that we could uplift each other and remind each other that God is bigger than disease.

I spent a few weeks lamenting about my disease and feeling as if it weren’t fair. I also dealt with some feelings of inadequacy. “How could I possibly be used in a big way for God if I am so messed up?” “I have both mental and physical issues that make me less than other people… “ I am too strange, too weak to be of any use to God or anyone,” I thought to myself. I kept believing that for a while, and didn’t even realize I had put God to the side until a church service a few weeks later. The sermon was on letting God use us even when we don’t think we are good enough...it was literally what I needed to hear. I still wasn’t convinced that I would ever be as faithful of a servant as Paul or Moses until I heard God speak to me through the Holy Spirit. He told me that He is bigger than any of my illness and that I do have a big purpose. I was doubtful and then I heard him speak it again. He told me “ I am the Alpha and the Omega, the creator of all. I am bigger than your illnesses, you need to trust in me. You will be blessed but you must trust me.”  During that church gathering, we also broke into groups to pray about America and those who do not know Jesus. I had never felt the Holy Spirit as much as I did in that moment. He literally told me the words to pray out loud and I felt him in my heart. Everyone in my group was led to say different things by the Holy Spirit, and I felt as if God himself was embracing us.  God’s words to me, and the intercessory prayer, reminded me I needed to look at things through his eyes and not neglect my time with him.

The day after Thanksgiving I went to visit my uncle Steve in the hospital, as he had been battling heart disease for a few years, but this year was his hardest. During the visit I felt very encouraged by him, as always. He has never had a negative thought about me, nor has he ever lost hope in me. It was such a joy and I was so excited because he looked like he may be getting out of the hospital soon. He encouraged me to get my license and said that he knew I had it in me to be a good driver. I was so happy because every time I saw him, he spoke love and truth into me. Little did I know, that would be the last day I saw him stand up and hold a conversation. The following week I got a phone call from my mom stating that the doctors wanted an emergency meeting and she asked if I could watch my sister while they attended. Ofcourse, I had no problem with my sister, but in my heart I knew something wasn’t right. I felt a sharp pain in my heart and knew uncle Steve was not well. What I wasn’t ready for was the news the next day, that he would have a week to live. When I got that news I felt frozen. I was happy he knew Jesus and that he would go to heaven when he passed -not hell, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. My uncle has always been such a fun, loving, and funny person and I didn’t want to lose such a nice person. For several days after I felt as if I were having a constant panic attack. I couldn’t breathe...I felt the pain I had felt when I had my heart crushed many years ago by an ex. A broken heart can happen from a breakup or losing a loved one. The second one was much deeper and harder to digest.  I felt numb. I continued to pray because that is all I had left was my hope in Christ. My uncle ended up passing a few days sooner than expected, and I still miss him so much. Yet I am thankful that I was able to see him pass peacefully and that he is with Jesus now. I still am in shock that he is really gone though. Some days I want to go visit him, only to remember that he isn’t on earth anyone. What also was hard is seeing how hurt my grandma and cousins were. I wished so bad that I could take away everyone’s hurting. I’ll never know why my uncle’s life was cut short, but I do know that God knows best and I am grateful for all the good memories I have with him.  Though I felt numb for a few days, there were moments where God gave me strength to be there for my other family members and a peace that I didn’t understand. At his funeral I didn’t cry because I felt as if God was holding me. All I can say is I felt the urge to praise God and I knew that he would take away our sorrow in time. Grieving is perfectly natural and something we all will do for some time, but I know that he will be there with us through it and that I will see my uncle again one day. My hope in Christ is the only thing that has held me together through this.

• Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

The day after the funeral, I took my first dog Luke Bryan to the vet because he had been acting strange on and off for about two weeks. The final straw was when he growled at me and he didn’t want to eat any type of food, even people food. I also noticed that he had lost a few pounds. I was afraid that my biggest fear would come true with him as well. Luke has been my service dog for about two years. He assists me with anxiety attacks, anxious thoughts, migraine alerts and comforting me during depressive episodes. He has always been such a special part of my life and I couldn’t imagine losing him anytime soon. (I guess you could say he is my “heart dog” because it took me many trials to find a dog I like even close to as much as I like him.) When I took him to the vet, I was scared. My heart pounded when the vet came in after completing the bloodwork. I was hoping it would be something much less than what I thought…..but it was worse. Turns out Luke has chronic kidney disease due to genetics and that he only has half of a kidney working at this point. My heart sank, I was in shock.  I was told by the vet he needed a special diet asap and IV fluids a few times a week for the rest of his life. I was also warned that the disease can take lives quickly and that I would have at most another year with him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose both my uncle and my dog so close together. I cried my eyes out for several hours later and felt as if my life was falling apart. First I have a disease that may leave me infertile, then my uncle died, and now my dog may die too. I never got mad at God, but I felt that he was mad at me. I felt that he wanted to punish me for not being a good enough follower of Christ... and that hurt. I fell into depression again for a few days and didn’t feel like I was even me. All I could think was how hurt I would be without my dog and how much of a nuisance I was being to my friends and family by asking for support through this. I felt as if my life would only get worse because I was too weak minded. I felt as if I had failed. God didn’t leave me hanging, though.

• Isaiah 41:10 NIV “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

The next day I had so much love and support from friends, family and even strangers. I had over 100 people say they were praying for restoration of my dogs kidneys and comfort. My dear big sister sent me encouraging scripture and told me that she believed God would do a work in Luke to show his glory and because I was a child of the king. She also said my love for animals was a Godly characteristic and that God was proud of me for loving the animals he entrusted me with. I am their guardian and I do my best to make sure they have a good life.

• Proverbs 12:10 NIV - “The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel.”

Some of my other friends told me that were there for me and that they were praying too. I felt a little better. The next day I thought Luke was going to die soon because he wouldn’t keep down food at first, but as they day went on he was able to eat. I also saw energy restored in him and he began acting more like his puppy self. He even played with his sister MaeMae. The same day I found I could get Luke’s IV fluids for a reasonable price and that it is possible for kidneys to have some function restored to them. My vet told me he wanted to see him in three months to see if his BUN and Creatinine numbers improve significantly. I felt there was hope that he could live and I also heard God speak to me again. He told me to trust him, so I gave Luke’s health over to him.

• Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Saturday Luke was zipping all of the house, went on a walk, ate well and played with his sister several times in the evening. He had a shine in his eyes I hadn’t seen in almost a year. Sunday God spoke to me once more, through the pastor. Before the sermon, pastor Tory said the Holy Spirit told him some people needed to hear what he was about to say. He said “ God wants you to know that he is bigger than your circumstances. He always loves you and wants the best for you. Some of you have had bad things happen that have made you feel as though God is upset with you and wants to punish you, but that’s a lie. God is working all of it together for your good and he will never intentionally hurt you.” Hearing those words was a confirmation that God is going to get me and my family through our storms. God is not going to ever leave me nor forsake me. I am now prepared to help Luke with his disease, as well as work through my own. God is at work and he won’t ever fail me. I now have peace about all that has happened. At moments I get sad, but then I remember that God is still at work. He will pull me through and I will be a better person through it all. If it weren’t for God, I would not be able to get through the days. But because of God and Jesus, I can get through any storm. God is faithful and always is good.  My hope is that you also experience God’s goodness and blessings and know that he loves you so much. If you aren’t a believer, all you have to do is ask Jesus to be Lord of your life and to forgive you of your sins. I promise you, knowing Jesus is a decision you will never regret.

• Philippians 1:6 ESV “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

Why every Christian needs Godly friends by their side

I am beyond blessed for the good friends in my life. I have some good friends that are both Christian and non-Christian. While I love all my friends, there is just something about having friends that share the same beliefs as you. Friends that edify you, build you up, and point you toward bettering your life, becoming more like Christ himself. At different times, I have had friends of all walks of life that have taught me a lot. For a good while, my closest friends weren’t Godly. While I care for each of these people, the outcome wasn’t good for my faith. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying to only have Godly friends and to isolate yourself from non-believers; that would be hiding the light from a world that needs to see Jesus. However, there is a reason that we are to be cautious in who we spend most of our time with. Plus, when we ignore our need for fellowship with other believers, we sell ourselves short. I will share some of my experiences on this journey called friendship in hope that you can see how Christ has grown me, and how Godly friendships will benefit you and your walk with God.

For the longest my main best friend was someone I grew up with. She and I both shared a unique trait and we both had a lot in common. We both loved to talk a lot, we loved movies, playing race car video games, and we didn’t want to get into trouble some of our other peers liked getting into (messing with bad boys, drugs, etc). We could just talk about life and have a good time together. The only thing missing in our friendship was that she didn’t care to know Jesus. She had an interest in hearing about my faith a few times, but then decided she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I respected that (and I still do), but I always had longed for someone that I could talk about Jesus with because I loved Jesus so much.  We still hangout to this day, but it is a little harder because of that disconnect and because of another element: her sister. Her sister has always talked down to me and likes to belittle every decision I make. To this day, she makes it clear that I am wasting my time getting my Master’s, that I spend too much on rent, that I shouldn’t own cats, that I am stupid, that I am a weirdo, etc. I have tolerated the criticisms because I didn’t want to sever the friendship with someone I have been friends with for so long, but there are times that I feel that it is too emotionally draining.

A few other friendships had to be ended, because the people I knew kept pushing me into sin. One friendship in particular was with someone who was also a believer. She and I would talk about Jesus, and I would ask how her walk with the Lord was frequently. However, she fell into a lifestyle of debauchery. I cared a lot for her, and wanted to be there for her. I would pray for her, I would listen to her and help her whenever she needed it. But, I also was drug under as well. Why I never became addicted to drinking, she would frequently force me into situations I wasn’t comfortable with. When I explained that I didn’t feel comfortable going to the bar at 1 am as a Christ follower, she would say I worry too much and I need to live a little. So a few times I gave in and tagged along with her so that she that she wouldn’t get upset with me. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. Since she wouldn’t respect my convictions, I had to allow our friendship to develop some distance.

One friendship even turned dangerous. I’d rather not go into extreme details, but when a friend assists your ex in stalking you...you know that isn’t a true friend. A friend who smiles to your face and you find out is bad mouthing you to everyone, wishing bad on you is an enemy. As you can see from some of my experiences, friendships with the wrong people can go bad. There is a reason the Bible has a lot to say about friendships, and even our enemies. God cares about the lost, and He ALSO cares about YOU! He knows what is safe and what isn’t, so we can trust that what God says is true. So while you may say, my non-Christian friends aren’t as bad as the ones you described, the Bible’s instruction remains the same. The reason is we ought to surround ourselves with people who will make us more like Christ, not pull us the other way. The devil likes to be subtle, so you aren’t always aware when he may be at work. Here’s some things the Bible has to say about friendships and ones that turn sour:

• Proverbs 13:20 NIV “ He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.”
• Proverbs 12:26 NIV “The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray.”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11 NIV “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing.”
• Psalm 1:1 NIN “How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!”
• Proverbs 27:17 NLT “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.”
• Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 NLT “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
• Matthew 5:44 NIV “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

Now I would like to share with you some of the Godly friendships I have that have been such a blessing in my life. My Godly girls are ladies that I can talk to about anything, and I know that I can trust them to not gossip about me behind my back. We enjoy spending time together and we talk about Jesus every time we hang out. They give good Godly counsel when needed, and I do the same for them. They encourage me, telling me things such as I am a strong Godly woman when I feel defeated. They remind me that they love me, that I have worth. They push me to be the best I can be. They give me honest rebuke when needed, but they do so in love. They pray for my husband and I regularly. Whenever I hangout with any of them, or even talk to them on the phone, I feel refreshed. I feel exhorted and comforted. I feel ready to take on the world. I always look forward to our next time together. Sometimes I tear up because of the gracious love they show me. My husband is another person who is such a great friend to me, my best friend in the world. He forgives me every time I make a mistake and he doesn’t hold it against me. He doesn’t yell at me or control me. He patiently loves me and helps me on days when my anxiety is through the roof and I have numerous panic attacks. He listens happily as I gush on and on about my dog obsession. He admires each of my quirks. My friends make me feel safe, they love me even though I have some challenges that make me unique. They don’t see me as less than. Some of them even say they look up to me. They see things in me that I don’t see in myself. Good things. They describe me as adventurous, sweet, loving, Godly, smart, and that they see Jesus in me...It never ceases to amaze me how much they care for me, even when I can’t love myself at times.

We have had so many fun adventures together. Some of my Godly besties I have known since the beginning of college, and some of them I have met later on in college. A few I have met after or before college. I even have a few older than me. God led me to a lovely woman who is a Godly inspiration and  a great mother to her kids. Who knew we have so much in common and that we both had similar experiences with narcissistic abuse.  We are good friends and we can talk on the phone for hours. One of my favorite memories in college was having late movie nights with Papa John's pizza and talking about girl stuff. Another favorite memory was having game nights with my girls, going to the pool together, and going out to dinner together. We always have the best conversations about life. Oh and of course, I have had numerous amazing adventures and memories with my husband. Too many to list in this blog post….but I think you see my point now. Godly friendships are so amazing and I couldn’t imagine my life without any of my good Godly friends. They make my life so much better. I hope you have some too, and if not pray that God bring some into your life. I prayed for many of my friends and here I am today with friendships that will last a lifetime. God is a good God! Thank you my good friends for being fantastic and thank you Abba father for blessing me so abundantly <3!

The beauty of marriage

When I first looked him in the eyes, I knew that he was a special man, like no other I had come across. It was my first day as a student librarian assistant at Alden Library, and something about him was refreshing. All the librarians seemed to adore him, and I could sense a gentleness about him. I also couldn’t help but think he was handsome, and I hoped he had similar feelings about me. As he introduced himself to me, he commented on how beautiful my name and I was flattered.I could only talk for a few minutes because we were switching shifts, but something in me hoped that we would get to spend more time together in the future. I was slightly nervous after the abusive previous relationship I had left, but after having had time to heal, I decided to take another chance. Sure enough, three weeks later we were able to work together and that is when everything worked out perfectly. I could tell that I was going to have a special relationship with Robbie and I was excited to see where it would go. When we worked together, I felt like I had known him all my life, even though we were just getting to know each other. The Holy Spirit gave me assurance that he was a good once to pursue, and now we are married. He truly is my soulmate, and we understand each other well. We both have had to endure the woes of abuse in this lifetime, so we both vow to never hurt each other the way others have hurt us. I’ve never had such a connection with anyone else in my life.

It has been a year since we said I do, and this past year has been nothing short of amazing. I have truly been blessed to have married my best friend, and I am so thankful that we can share a life together. Marriage is one of the best gifts from God, and it is a beautiful thing. It certainly isn’t all flowers and sunshine, but with God you can overcome any obstacles that life throws. Our first year of marriage had many trials, some more than other newlyweds have to endure. However, God helped us through each one and our marriage grew stronger as we loved each other through each trial. The first one came right as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. My husband had been laid off for about a month already, and was applying for jobs left and right. He was getting interviews, but no offers. I had to travel to Columbus to work a second job while also being a graduate student supervisor at Alden Library, so that we could get by. There were times we had to several days without seeing each other. I also had a struggle with depression that made it hard to even get out of the bed some days. I was so happy to be married, yet I had barely enough energy to work and take care of the pets the first few weeks. Panic attacks were really bad some days, that I would crawl to bed when one came on because my chest burned so bad. It was so strange as I never really struggled with depression before, but thankfully I overcame that phase. Also, about two months in, God provided a job for Robbie. It wasn’t a dream job, but it was a job that helped pay bills. Things were finally getting good until I got a call the last week of September that would be life changing. It was from my mom. My dad couldn’t get off the couch and she knew that something was majorly wrong.

We made our way to Columbus as soon as we could, and the next day we found out that my dad had a second stroke(he had one when I was 12). My mom saw him almost die more than once as the doctors struggled to regulate his blood pressure. He could barely talk and move half of his body. For two weeks doctors struggled daily to find a way to regulate his blood pressure. I stayed with my sister 12 hours at a time, as she can’t handle hospital atmospheres with her special needs. Robbie would come see us when he was off of work and we stayed at my parents house to support my sister and mom on and off for about a month. I still worked on my Masters while all of this was going on, and I knew God would eventually shine sunlight at the end of this massive storm. When my dad began to heal, it was apparent there would need to be someone else to help with my sister because he would no longer be able to do it. That’s when Robbie and I knew that we needed to move to Columbus. We still had several months left at our place in Athens and it was so hard to find subletters, but we trusted God. Then it happened, one weekend after watching my sister for a while, we toured places that we might live at in the upcoming summer, or if God made a way for us to move sooner..and he did make a way. That following Monday we told our landlord all that was going on, and she put out ads trying to get our place rented for us. It was a blessing in itself to have a nice landlord like her. She would talk your ears off for hours and was very pleasant. A few days later, a nice couple came who needed to move in 2 weeks or less, and  wanted our place. So we were able to move to Columbus to be closer to my family, and God blessed us with a much nicer place to rent than our first place. Robbie’s job let him transfer to a location in Columbus, so that was a blessing too. Slowly but surely my dad made progress, and he has come a long way. God is good all the time.

The next trial would be the car accident. While working, my hubby had a fender bender that totalled his car. It was very stressful and we felt as though there was no hope, but we clinged to God’s truth that he would provide all of our needs. God never lets his children down, and He didn’t let us down. About a month and a half of wondering how we were going to fix the situation. God made a way for us to get a new car. He also has alas answered our prayer about a job in Robbie’s field too. He also made a way for us to enjoy a great one year anniversary trip, allowing me to finally meet Dolphins, go the Bahamas, and experience a cruise. Our God is such a good God. We had to wait a year for God to open the doors, but he did. Sometimes he tells us to wait, and that is the hardest thing. But friends, God always has good for those who put their trust in Him and His Son Jesus. Now that I’ve spoke about some trials we’ve overcome, I’d love to share some special things about our first year together :)

Our first few months of marriage were a learning curve, but it was a fun one. Learning how to live together and make decisions together is a cool experience. We also enjoyed many summer evening walks together with Luke, and some of the other dogs we fostered. We had a border collie for a bit, and we would have kept her had she not had some resource guarding issues when it came to Robbie. She knew better than to growl at me, but she wouldn’t let any other person near him besides me, and she bossed Luke and Chloe around too much lol. She has a great home at a farm though, so she still lucked out. It was cool to have a border collie for a few days. Our next foster was a dachshund mix that looked a lot like Luke. Lady was really sweet, but she was so scared of everything that she would hold her bladder for days at a time. We knew a busy apartment with dogs everywhere wouldn’t be an environment she would thrive in, so she found another foster. Then we had a pomeranian for awhile, named Leia. Leia was really cute, but she didn’t like Luke. No matter what we tried. She lives with a friend now and I get updates, which I love. One day we would love another dog, but for now we are content with our dog and the kitties. But hey, it was a learning experience and fun too. Another fun thing was learning meals we loved together and decorating our place together. Being able to shop together and explore town together has also been lovely. Oh, and my favorite is simply being able to share a life story with a great person. Someone who gets me, who loves me completely, who treats me well, who is my best friend. Cuddling together giggling and having life conversations has to be one of my favorite activities. I am so thankful God gave me a lovely man to call my husband. Here’s to one year of marriage and a lifetime of more :).

How God used a hurt finger to reveal more brokenness in need of healing

About a month and a half ago, I hurt my middle finger while at work. I could not bend it at all for several days, and it made doing the most mundane tasks difficult. Luckily, it was only a sprain, but it was still badly torn to the point that I had to wear a splint for several weeks. I can remember feeling deeply saddened over the fact that I couldn’t use my left hand much, the day after the incident. I wasn’t just sad about the pain, I was upset at my body for getting hurt. I felt as though this injury was getting in the way of me helping others, and doing my job effectively, so I began to feel worthless. I began having thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, and how awful it was that I was disappointing people by not being able to do things as fast I was able to with a normal finger. That Friday night I didn’t want to do anything but lie down in bed, thinking about how awful this situation was, because it limited my ability to do things for others. It was that night and the days to follow that I began to see that was working on fixing more than a sprained finger; He was working on fixing my people pleasing heart.

About four or five days after my injury, God showed me that the reason I was so upset about my finger was because I was upset about not pleasing those around me, and he was right(He always is). I have always been a people pleaser all of my life, but it didn’t really occur to me how detrimental this can be. You see, God loves it when we help others, but not when we put people pleasing above pleasing God. I have a hard time dealing with upsetting those I care about, but sometimes God may ask me to do something that not everyone agrees with, and I have to be okay with that. I assumed that by pleasing others I was making God happy, but I can look back on my life and see many times where that has led to sin because I enabled bad behaviors, or indulged in a sin just to make someone else happy.

Another aspect with people pleasing that has harmed me and my walk with God at times is how I view myself. I try to live my life very in tune to the Holy Spirit, seeking it for guidance on every decision I make. I am human, so there are a few times where I fail to do this, but for the most part it’s how I live my life as a Christ follower. It seems that when I am seeking God the most and living my life for Him, I have a few people in my life who are extremely critical of me. There are some people in my life who try to make me second guess every decision I make, and they even go as far as calling me things such as “stupid” or “too young”. There are some who say spread untrue slander and rumors about me, and dismiss everything about me. They accuse me of lying about my mental health for attention, or they simply say that I am not qualified to be used by God. I know I shouldn’t let these type of people influence me, but if I’m being honest they have influenced how I’ve thought about myself, and at times have made me take a step back from seeking God’s big plan for my life. I believed the mean things they told me and began to internalize it over the years. I began seeing myself as inferior to others, and began believing that God really couldn’t use a “failure” like me. Some of these individuals are people that I could cut out of my life, such as an emotionally abusive ex, while others are relatives that I cannot get away from.

This past month and a half has had it’s own trials outside of a hurt finger. My husband and I had our car totalled, and I had a family member that has been hanging on to life due to a medical condition. I’ve also had a someone specifically attacking me every chance they get, trying to hurt my feelings and my marriage, even though I have never done anything to them.  However, through these trials God has been calling me to cling to him and to  give up wanting to please others so much. He has revealed to me through his Spirit that he does have big plans for me, plans to prosper me and for a bright future. (Jeremiah 29:11.)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV).

He has blessed my husband and I with the chance to get our own car together and he continues to pour out blessings. He also has revealed a few spiritual gifts that I weren’t aware that I had.  He continually reminds me that His opinion of me alone matters, and through this I am finally beginning to  see myself surrender the people pleaser in me. I wish I could say that I am completely immune to the people pleasing trap, but I can say that I am on the right path and that I am one step closer than I was yesterday. I will keep running the race and one day people’s opinions of me will not cause self-harm thoughts. I also know that with God and Jesus on my side, their opinions will not stop his plan to use me for His glory. God has also recently brought some people in my life who edify me and point out the good they see. I’ve had some believing friends not too long ago share that they could see God using the gifts of wisdom and discernment in me. My pastor told a week ago when I got baptized that God revealed to him that I have been gifted with a gentle spirit, and that many will want to attack me for it, but to remain gentle and not stoop to their levels. He assured me that I had a personality that contained the fruits of God’s Spirit, and that I will be blessed. I am thankful God has put people in my life to remind me that I am more than Satan's lies.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” (Galatians 5:22-23 NIV)

I hope that through my experiences with people pleasing you can find hope that God can help you too if you struggle with it. God has more for you than what others think of you, and the only opinion that matters is His. If you struggle with Depression or Anxiety disorder and ever want to talk, I’m here. I have both. God’s goodness and love is what keeps me going. If you’ve never accepted Christ as you personal Savior, you can accept him now as you are. Simply ask him to come into your heart and ask him to forgive you for all of your sins. Then ask him to guide your life and be your personal savior, and he will bring healing in your life too. God bless my friends <3

I've been hurt by other Christians and I want you to know God can heal you too if you've ever been hurt!

Something that the Holy Spirit has put on my heart lately is the topic of dealing with some deep rooted hurt that I have experienced by Christian organizations, other Christians, and even Christian leaders. He has been working  on restoration for a lot of hurt I've experienced and false teachings that were detrimental to my walk with God rather than edifying. My hope is that by sharing my struggles of where I've been, the truth God has revealed to me in my heart, and where I am at now, I can help you too if any of you have ever been hurt by Christians or if you have been bullied by other Christians simply because they didn't like you. I want you to know that no matter who you are, you are valued by God and Jesus. If you have accepted Jesus into your heart, then other believers are brothers and sisters to you, and they should never EVER treat you as though you are inferior. If you don't know Jesus as your savior, we as Christians are still called to show you love and compassion, and to share the gospel with you. However, if someone treated you as if you were less than human or inferior because they were Christian and you were not, then they were wrong as well. If anyone treats you as less than what your worth is, please RUN. I wish I would have ran sooner from certain situations, but I believe that God is a good God and that he will use it as a way to help others. Here's my story:

    

 Many of you may or may not know that ever since middle school, I have had someone always trying to belittle me and make me feel as though I am less than others. It started with several girls constantly making fun of me because I used to be shy and timid. They would call me fat, ugly, they would make fun of my light skin color(for someone biracial), they would call me a poodle because of my hair. A few of them even told me that they wished I were dead, and that no man would ever want me(not that I cared at that time, I wasn't interested in a dating relationship). Anyway, I would internalize those things even though I knew that I had worth in Christ because it seemed so true. The devil was so good at tricking me into believing I was less than others. My friends would even say that I was weird and stupid, so for a while I assumed it was true. I never shared it with my mom until high school because I was too embarrassed. In high school I learned more of who I was as a person and who I was in Christ, but at times that inferiority complex would still nag at me. I tried my best to ignore it though as I went to church more and had better friends. However, high school had some events that made me question my worth once more, despite knowing I had a relationship with God and that I was righteousness in his eyes thanks to accepting the gift of salvation from his son Jesus. You see, just because we accept Christ doesn't mean we are always in tune with him and it doesn't exempt us from sin and the devil's schemes to try and wreck our lives. He can't steal our salvation, but he does a good job of making us miserable if we don't recognize his attacks.

  Sexual assault from a stranger at a random store and having a leader from my home church humiliate me because of my top were two high school events that hurt me the most. I was already terrified of men I didn't know after my experience, and it just made me more distrusting of men and even church leaders after someone said such mean things to me. It was the way I was spoken to and what was said that hurt. I was told that I should be ashamed of myself for wearing a top that was slightly low cut because it was causing her husband and the pastor to sin, and that I was awful for causing others to sin. I had no idea my top was slightly revealing quite honestly, and I would never purposely cause any man to fall into sin, especially married men and a pastor. The words stung and they made me feel as though I was a mere object. God only cared about men and not women, that is what I got from that kind of statement. That isn't true and it took me quite a while to realize that.

A few months later it didn't make it better that my first boyfriend, who was a "Christian" from my friend's church, would always manipulate me and try to get me to sleep with him, even though I kept telling him no because I knew that God would want me to remain pure until marriage. I thought that because he went to Church and said he was a Christian, that he loved Jesus and that he would treat me right. The way he treated me made me think that all Christian men were like that, and it made me a little sad. I eventually left him after he cheated on me. However, after the hurt I went through with him and even how some more "fake" friends treated me, I thought that my purpose in life was perhaps to be abused by others. I had people who hated me for no reason even though I tried to be friendly with them. I had an ex that was Christian but treated me like an object. I had a Christian leader basically tell me that I am the reason men sin and that they aren't accountable for their actions. I thought that maybe God wanted me to get hurt by others instead of other people getting hurt because I would still be able to share the gospel with them, and since I was "inferior" it didn't matter if I got hurt. One day I told my mother this, convinced it was true, and she was heartbroken. My mother assured me that God would never want me to be hurt, and that I couldn't let others define me. She prayed over me and we read scripture on my worth. After that moment I began to seek how God really viewed me, and to believe that.

In college I joined Campus Crusade for Christ(Cru) hoping that it could connect me with other Christians so that we could grow together in our walks with God and edify each other..and it did..at first. I met a few new friends and I felt God was moving in my life. Through Cru I went on my first mission trip and learned the importance of being able to share the gospel with complete strangers, and I learned the importance of spending time with God everyday. A lot of my peers became bible study leaders the next year, and I wanted to become one too because I wanted to lead other younger girls to God and I had a firm understanding of the word. Yet, many of my friends became leaders and I didn't because I apparently wasn't ready. I accepted that and went on continuing to grow in my walk with God. Fast forward to my junior year, I met my now husband and he became interested in knowing Jesus personally, so we both went on the spring break mission trip together. It was a great trip and I saw my husband grow so much spiritually in that week. (Little did I know that was the time he actually accepted Jesus into his heart. My spirit noticed how on fire he was for the Lord and now I know why ;)). The only problem I had with the trip, is people kept saying that we were too committed and serious to each other, and that we should only see each other once a week. We were just like any other Christian couple, and we had boundaries in our relationship. We noticed that no one else was treated the way we were by leaders, and it felt strange. I knew of other people on the trip who were living openly in sexual sin with their significant other, and they were not treated the way we were. We were trying our best to live a Godly life and lead a Godly relationship. Why was there opposition? I could understand if we were crossing boundaries we shouldn’t and they knew us both well, but the leaders barely knew us and our relationship. Nothing they told us about our relationship was biblical and I felt awkward, as if I didn’t fit in with the organization. There was even one leader who said very negative things(that weren't true) about me to my now husband. Why? How was this Godly, and what was the point? Now we get the final laugh because we knew we were meant to be together and the devil didn't get his way of splitting us apart. Our experience goes to show that satan can even use Christians to sin and try and destroy.

The following year was my senior year of college and I had been given a leadership position in Cru, but not a bible study leader. I was a missional leader, which meant that I planned get togethers for the bible study that I was assisting with in order to get to know the girls better and to develop lasting relationships. I felt very excited because I love people and I love planning get togethers, so I thought I would finally be able to serve God and others at my full potential. I noticed only one other girl was a missional leader in our group of leaders, and that the rest were bible study leaders, but that didn’t concern me. Things went great at first, and during fall retreat I felt like  I had bonded very closely with each of my bible study girls. I was trying my best to be a Godly example to them. I wanted them to feel that they could trust me with anything and I wanted to gently teach them God’s truth in his word and lead by example. In fact, three of those girls are close friends to this day. One was in my wedding this past summer and is one of my best friends. It has been a pleasure to see her grow in Christ and to have such a lovely sister in Christ. So yes, there were many blessings that did come out of me being a part of Cru because God is good and has nothing but the best for his people. Yet, along with the good came very much hurt and isolation.

Weekly we would have a bible study for just leaders and it was great at first...until I noticed that I didn’t fit in. I could tell that I was an outcast and that there were more “popular” leaders. There were a few genuine girls who did say that they appreciated me and that they liked it when I spoke up, but I could tell that I wasn’t wanted by most. One of the leaders of our leadership bible study made it very clear she didn’t like me and that she didn’t believe I should exist. Let me explain; she believed that white and black people really didn’t belong together and that they shouldn’t marry. She may have not blatantly said she hated biracial people, but that statement and her actions spoke louder than words. She was supposed to disciple me weekly and she only met up with me once or twice, while she made sure to disciple all of her other girls regularly. She seemed bothered by my presence and annoyed by me. Others even noticed how she treated me differently. My bible study girls even pointed it out to me. I tried so hard to be the best leader I could be and to show everyone love, even her. Eventually I felt as though I wanted to disappear and that everyone would be happier if I weren’t alive. I began wishing that God would just take me to Heaven already because I had been failing him since I clearly wasn’t as good of a leader as the others. If even Christians didn’t like me, then I guess I had failed as one and that I didn’t have a good purpose. For the first time in my life I wanted to hurt myself, and if it weren’t for God making sure I had a caring roommate Kristin, my dog Luke, and my now husband Robbie in my life to notice something was wrong and to act, I don’t know what would have happened. You see, I was at a very low time in my life not just because of them, but because of a dangerous situation I had been put in thanks to a backstabbing frienemy and the ex I dated in college before Robbie. It goes to show that isolation can devastating for the believer. We need real Christian companionship or we will fall.

So that ex. Well he was once again a “Christian” and he did a better job of putting on a front than my first ex did, at first. I won’t go into the details of our relationship because that is neither here nor there, but when he broke up with me my sophomore year of college, he showed his real colors. He became very controlling and manipulative. It took a lot of strength to cut ties with him because he preyed on my sympathies and always apologized for his sinful behavior. We had been broken up for several years when he apologized over Facebook for the way he had treated me. I accepted it and talked to him a bit and then blocked him because I felt it wouldn’t be appropriate to be friends with him. A few months later he thought it was ok to begin stalking me and threatening me. He would show up at Cru events and try to get physically close to me and follow me into the hallway. Luckily a good friend of mine saw his behavior and wouldn’t leave my side. She said she could see the “crazy” in his eyes and she wasn’t a fearful person. I was literally afraid for my life as this man owned guns and wasn’t mentally stable(which I didn’t know when I dated him, else I never would have). One of my former friends thought it would be cute to tell him places I would be at and to hang out with him, knowing he was stalking me, because she always had to have drama in her life. It got to the point where if I had to tell Cru about it and their response was to meet up with him in public and tell him to leave me alone. I felt as though they didn’t really care about how serious or dangerous my situation was, and that was once again another stab to my wound.  At that point, my common sense told me to go to law enforcement authorities and now I am safe thankfully. I still felt so low and meaningless, so I began to distance myself from Cru.

I began attending church with Robbie and I went to a Sunday bible study there. I felt myself growing again spiritually and I began to realize that I did have worth once more. The more I attended church on a regular basis outside of Cru, the more I realized that God does have a purpose for me and that he had great plans for me. I began to see how Christians really treat each other and I had a pastor that was actively involved in both mine and Robbie’s life. All the leaders at the church praised us for deciding to make God such an important part of our lives and loved that we were following Jesus together. They knew that we were meant to marry, just like we knew. We just waited for the proper time, as God’s timing is always best. They never told us unbiblical things or made us feel like an outcast. They showed us there were real authentic Christians who actually loved us and wanted to get to know us. They wanted to edify us and help us be all we could be. That was refreshing and amazing. I will always cherish my time at Albany Baptist Church in Athens, Ohio. Oh and go figure, it was also the church that my crazy ex went to. They knew this and they knew that it didn’t matter because everyone is welcome in God’s house. However, they wouldn’t tolerate it if he tried to harm me. He and his family quit going eventually because they didn’t want to be around us, and that is ok with me. I pray that they find the truth and a church that suits them.

I have continued to grow ever since I broke free from the burden of Cru controlling my life. I am still healing and growing though, which brings me to the main reason I felt led to write this post. One thing Cru and other Christians drilled in my head that I thought was true was the fact that I need to be the light in the lives of others, even if it means that I am uncomfortable or taken advantage of. I knew that my ex had no right to treat me the way he did, but I didn’t see that in other situations. I have a few friends that I are non-believers that I have shared the truth with many times, and they still choose not to accept Christ. I thought that if I stayed in their lives trying to lead by example and telling them what Christ has done and continues to do for me, that one day I would see them accept him. I had planted the seed many times, and I thought it was necessary to continue planting the seed in hopes that one day it would get watered. Well along the way one of them has began to try and manipulate and control me any chance that she gets. She always has something negative to say about every aspect of my life. She insults my looks and always mentions how annoying it must be to have my hair. She tells me that I am stupid and that I am wasting my time getting my Master’s degree because it is a waste of money and that I won’t get a good job. She tells me that I shouldn’t live in a nice area because it is too much money and that I need to buy a house already. She tells me what type of dog to like and what type of dog not to like because the breed of dog she likes is superior. She tells me not to buy something because surely I can’t have the money for that. She makes recommendations for what clothes I should wear. She thinks I should make decisions without my husband knowing. They have mocked my beliefs before by saying something else is their rock and savior like Jesus is mine. What sucks is I have known these people so long and I felt as though I am obligated to stay a part of their life because the one who was my best friend growing up doesn’t have any other friends. I felt as though I was betraying her if I cut ties. However, since they want me to dishonor my husband and they don’t respect my religion/faith, I have made the decision to finally cut them out of my life after knowing them for so long.

Cru would tell me to still be a part of their life because they need the light, but God is telling me that I’ve done all I can do. He calls us to plant the seed and then leave the rest to him. 1 Corinthians 3:6-7 says : I planted, Apollos watered, but God gave the growth. 7 So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. I planted the seed, now is time for someone else to water it and God will grow it. I am not God so my part is done. The best thing I can do for them is to walk away and let God keep working.  If I remain friends with them, it could harm my marriage and my walk with God eventually. Plus I hate how they make me feel as if I am worthless. God has revealed to me that he doesn’t desire that I remain with people who want to harm me and his plan for me, and he doesn’t want us to be around mockers. Let me be clear, we are certainly called to be friends with non-believers so that we can show them his truth and share the gospel. However, if that friendship causes you to fall into sin or they begin mocking your faith, then it is time to forgive and move on. This is a huge thing for me as I hate cutting ties with people, but I know that it is the right thing to do. I will continue to pray for them and God will take care of it from there. It is so freeing now that I understand that it is okay to let people go if necessary. These friends are just one example of how I’ve struggled with staying around people who hurt me because I thought I would upset God if I left the relationships behind. I know many of you have probably felt the same, and this is why I wanted to share this with you.

Friends I want you to know that it is okay to leave a situation if you are being hurt over and over again, and if you have planted the seed by sharing the gospel. I also want you to know that you are loved and cherished, and that no human determines your worth whether they are other believers or not. We all fall short of the glory of God and people will hurt us. The important thing is to forgive and move forward. Forgiveness doesn’t mean we have to go back to the way things were before or that we even have to have contact for those who have hurt us. What it does mean is that we give it to God and we don’t harbor any bitterness toward them. We then pray for their salvation and healing and move on. If you are reading this and you aren’t saved, I pray that you take a moment to ask Jesus into your heart as Lord and Savior of your life, and that you ask him to forgive you of your sins. He accepts you where you are, all you have to do is accept his gift and he will reveal himself to you. I hope for any of you that are reading this that you have been encouraged to serve the Lord more, to give any hurt to him, to forgive and to remove anyone that hinders your walk with God and your well-being. I also want to say that I don’t hate Cru or think that the entire organization of Cru is bad, there are just some major flaws I have seen and it, and actually every since Christian college organization I have been a part of. There are many benefits to them, but you have to know when truth is being spoken to you, or when someone is trying to make their opinions fact instead of Biblical truth. God bless <3.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.