I have been going back and forth as to whether or not to write a blog post about some of the things that have happened in my life these past few months. I wasn’t sure if it would be as good of a blog as some of my other posts, because this one is not as positive as the others. However, God has been putting it on my heart to share it with you because he at work in me even through the hard trials. Christians can have life events that leave them heartbroken and taken aback, just like the non-believer. The difference is through our storms Jesus carries us when we feel so tired that we just want to collapse or too hurt to even take another breath. Without Jesus I wouldn’t be here today and this is why I write because I want you to have hope in Christ as well.
Ever since the beginning of October I have felt like I have been tumbling down a mountain non-stop. It started with the change of seasons. Usually I love the fall, but this time was different. The minute the temperature dropped I fell very blue. There would be several days where all I could do after work is sit and stare at the wall. I didn’t feel like myself and some of those awful thoughts I had a few months before were coming back. I couldn’t understand why I would break out in tears at random, and have some of the worst panic attacks I had in quite a while. My mood would fluctuate so easily and I felt miserable. I felt as if I were a failure and that I annoyed every person I came into contact with. I just wanted to disappear so that I wouldn’t be a burden to anyone I cared about. I didn’t know what was going on, but through those few weeks of deep sadness, I had a good friend that I consider a wise older sister praying on my behalf. One night when I was shedding tears, I felt a burden being lifted off of my shoulders and I suddenly felt the peace of the Holy Spirit comforting me. I instantly felt more like my normal self and was reminded right then that I wasn’t alone, and that Christ hadn’t given up on me. The next day I found out that during the time I felt immense peace, my dear friend was praying over me and for my sadness to lift. She prayed that I would experience joy instead of sorrow, and joy is what I experienced for several days after. Things began to get better toward the end of the month with my new chihuahua MaeMae getting closer to me and a few blessings coming our way.
In early November I went to see a special doctor at the request of my regular doctor. My doctor suspected that I had a disease, so she wanted a few tests done. I was nervous but I bravely bit the bullet. About a week after I had bloodwork and an ultrasound done one of my biggest fears was confirmed: I had Poly Ovarian Cystic Disease and a huge cyst on my left ovary that they wanted to monitor to see if I would need surgery. The funny thing is for several months I had suspected that I had this disease but was too afraid to get it checked out because I didn’t want to face reality. Well now that I know I have PCOS, there were several things that I found out. One was that I was insulin resistant, causing me to keep weight on despite exercise. Another was that I had high cholesterol. Those two made sense, but the third thing was a missing piece to my health puzzle. PCOS causes an imbalance all throughout the body, including the mind. PCOS had caused my brain to have a very low level of Serotonin, which is why I had been feeling blue. I not only have generalized anxiety disorder, but also depression. The PCOS was exacerbating my anxiety mental illness and had caused a secondary one. I can remember two years ago having another Christian tell me that I had severe anxiety and panic attacks because I didn’t trust God enough. I remember getting upset with myself thinking why can’t I have better self control. Why must I have anxious thoughts that I cannot control and why am I sad when I don’t have a “reason” to be. Well, besides genetics, a physical disease was affecting me. It wasn’t due a lack of trust in Christ, because through it all I knew he would carry me. Finding out I had a disease that causes imbalance and may possibly render me infertile was a lot to take in. My husband and I eventually want children, and to hear that may never happen was hard. Yet, I decided to give it to Christ and trust that He has the best plan for us even when it may not make sense to me. God also works in mysterious ways because a college friend of mine also has the disease, and while I don’t wish it on anyone, we have been able to help each other through all the “fun” stuff it causes: from depression and weight gain, to even unfortunate miscarriages. My friend is also a Christ follower and we know that God allowed us to be friends so that we could uplift each other and remind each other that God is bigger than disease.
I spent a few weeks lamenting about my disease and feeling as if it weren’t fair. I also dealt with some feelings of inadequacy. “How could I possibly be used in a big way for God if I am so messed up?” “I have both mental and physical issues that make me less than other people… “ I am too strange, too weak to be of any use to God or anyone,” I thought to myself. I kept believing that for a while, and didn’t even realize I had put God to the side until a church service a few weeks later. The sermon was on letting God use us even when we don’t think we are good enough...it was literally what I needed to hear. I still wasn’t convinced that I would ever be as faithful of a servant as Paul or Moses until I heard God speak to me through the Holy Spirit. He told me that He is bigger than any of my illness and that I do have a big purpose. I was doubtful and then I heard him speak it again. He told me “ I am the Alpha and the Omega, the creator of all. I am bigger than your illnesses, you need to trust in me. You will be blessed but you must trust me.” During that church gathering, we also broke into groups to pray about America and those who do not know Jesus. I had never felt the Holy Spirit as much as I did in that moment. He literally told me the words to pray out loud and I felt him in my heart. Everyone in my group was led to say different things by the Holy Spirit, and I felt as if God himself was embracing us. God’s words to me, and the intercessory prayer, reminded me I needed to look at things through his eyes and not neglect my time with him.
The day after Thanksgiving I went to visit my uncle Steve in the hospital, as he had been battling heart disease for a few years, but this year was his hardest. During the visit I felt very encouraged by him, as always. He has never had a negative thought about me, nor has he ever lost hope in me. It was such a joy and I was so excited because he looked like he may be getting out of the hospital soon. He encouraged me to get my license and said that he knew I had it in me to be a good driver. I was so happy because every time I saw him, he spoke love and truth into me. Little did I know, that would be the last day I saw him stand up and hold a conversation. The following week I got a phone call from my mom stating that the doctors wanted an emergency meeting and she asked if I could watch my sister while they attended. Ofcourse, I had no problem with my sister, but in my heart I knew something wasn’t right. I felt a sharp pain in my heart and knew uncle Steve was not well. What I wasn’t ready for was the news the next day, that he would have a week to live. When I got that news I felt frozen. I was happy he knew Jesus and that he would go to heaven when he passed -not hell, but I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. My uncle has always been such a fun, loving, and funny person and I didn’t want to lose such a nice person. For several days after I felt as if I were having a constant panic attack. I couldn’t breathe...I felt the pain I had felt when I had my heart crushed many years ago by an ex. A broken heart can happen from a breakup or losing a loved one. The second one was much deeper and harder to digest. I felt numb. I continued to pray because that is all I had left was my hope in Christ. My uncle ended up passing a few days sooner than expected, and I still miss him so much. Yet I am thankful that I was able to see him pass peacefully and that he is with Jesus now. I still am in shock that he is really gone though. Some days I want to go visit him, only to remember that he isn’t on earth anyone. What also was hard is seeing how hurt my grandma and cousins were. I wished so bad that I could take away everyone’s hurting. I’ll never know why my uncle’s life was cut short, but I do know that God knows best and I am grateful for all the good memories I have with him. Though I felt numb for a few days, there were moments where God gave me strength to be there for my other family members and a peace that I didn’t understand. At his funeral I didn’t cry because I felt as if God was holding me. All I can say is I felt the urge to praise God and I knew that he would take away our sorrow in time. Grieving is perfectly natural and something we all will do for some time, but I know that he will be there with us through it and that I will see my uncle again one day. My hope in Christ is the only thing that has held me together through this.
- Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
The day after the funeral, I took my first dog Luke Bryan to the vet because he had been acting strange on and off for about two weeks. The final straw was when he growled at me and he didn’t want to eat any type of food, even people food. I also noticed that he had lost a few pounds. I was afraid that my biggest fear would come true with him as well. Luke has been my service dog for about two years. He assists me with anxiety attacks, anxious thoughts, migraine alerts and comforting me during depressive episodes. He has always been such a special part of my life and I couldn’t imagine losing him anytime soon. (I guess you could say he is my “heart dog” because it took me many trials to find a dog I like even close to as much as I like him.) When I took him to the vet, I was scared. My heart pounded when the vet came in after completing the bloodwork. I was hoping it would be something much less than what I thought…..but it was worse. Turns out Luke has chronic kidney disease due to genetics and that he only has half of a kidney working at this point. My heart sank, I was in shock. I was told by the vet he needed a special diet asap and IV fluids a few times a week for the rest of his life. I was also warned that the disease can take lives quickly and that I would have at most another year with him. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose both my uncle and my dog so close together. I cried my eyes out for several hours later and felt as if my life was falling apart. First I have a disease that may leave me infertile, then my uncle died, and now my dog may die too. I never got mad at God, but I felt that he was mad at me. I felt that he wanted to punish me for not being a good enough follower of Christ... and that hurt. I fell into depression again for a few days and didn’t feel like I was even me. All I could think was how hurt I would be without my dog and how much of a nuisance I was being to my friends and family by asking for support through this. I felt as if my life would only get worse because I was too weak minded. I felt as if I had failed. God didn’t leave me hanging, though.
- Isaiah 41:10 NIV “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
The next day I had so much love and support from friends, family and even strangers. I had over 100 people say they were praying for restoration of my dogs kidneys and comfort. My dear big sister sent me encouraging scripture and told me that she believed God would do a work in Luke to show his glory and because I was a child of the king. She also said my love for animals was a Godly characteristic and that God was proud of me for loving the animals he entrusted me with. I am their guardian and I do my best to make sure they have a good life.
- Proverbs 12:10 NIV - “The righteous care for the needs of their animals, but the kindest acts of the wicked are cruel.”
Some of my other friends told me that were there for me and that they were praying too. I felt a little better. The next day I thought Luke was going to die soon because he wouldn’t keep down food at first, but as they day went on he was able to eat. I also saw energy restored in him and he began acting more like his puppy self. He even played with his sister MaeMae. The same day I found I could get Luke’s IV fluids for a reasonable price and that it is possible for kidneys to have some function restored to them. My vet told me he wanted to see him in three months to see if his BUN and Creatinine numbers improve significantly. I felt there was hope that he could live and I also heard God speak to me again. He told me to trust him, so I gave Luke’s health over to him.
- Romans 8:28 NIV “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Saturday Luke was zipping all of the house, went on a walk, ate well and played with his sister several times in the evening. He had a shine in his eyes I hadn’t seen in almost a year. Sunday God spoke to me once more, through the pastor. Before the sermon, pastor Tory said the Holy Spirit told him some people needed to hear what he was about to say. He said “ God wants you to know that he is bigger than your circumstances. He always loves you and wants the best for you. Some of you have had bad things happen that have made you feel as though God is upset with you and wants to punish you, but that’s a lie. God is working all of it together for your good and he will never intentionally hurt you.” Hearing those words was a confirmation that God is going to get me and my family through our storms. God is not going to ever leave me nor forsake me. I am now prepared to help Luke with his disease, as well as work through my own. God is at work and he won’t ever fail me. I now have peace about all that has happened. At moments I get sad, but then I remember that God is still at work. He will pull me through and I will be a better person through it all. If it weren’t for God, I would not be able to get through the days. But because of God and Jesus, I can get through any storm. God is faithful and always is good. My hope is that you also experience God’s goodness and blessings and know that he loves you so much. If you aren’t a believer, all you have to do is ask Jesus to be Lord of your life and to forgive you of your sins. I promise you, knowing Jesus is a decision you will never regret.
- Philippians 1:6 ESV “And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.
