Maybe that longing is for a reason

Maybe……..... there is a reason I still desire a best friend, even in the midst of having several close friends. I know I have talked about this before and how I have considered that I am simply not meant to have that special bond with someone. But maybe I was wrong? Maybe a part of the reason I don’t have a “best friend” is rooted in some things deeper than all of my “bffs” having their own #1 best friend. Maybe one or two of my close friends also doesn’t have a top bestie, but most do. I think a huge reason as to why I don’t have a #1 bestie is because of fear, which unfortunately seems to be my stronghold in life. My mind always likes to go to the worse scenario, even though I am quite the idealist. For example, because of having lost more than one pet young and suddenly, I am afraid that all of my dogs will die tragic deaths. It plays over and over in my mind and it’s hard to push the intrusive thoughts out. I try my best to shower my dogs with as much affection as I can each day just in case it’s my last moment with them. After Robbie’s job had two workplace fires a week apart recently, I worry that I will lose him to fire too. Fear is awful and I wish there was more awareness on how it is hard to get rid of. hmmm….

Ok back on topic, when it comes to friends, I always worry that I am one step away from pushing them all away from me. One step away from being too broken for them. One step away from being easily forgotten. Part of this I know is rooted in some experiences I have had, such as toxic former friendships and betrayed trust. Years of being told I wasn’t good enough, that I was dumb, fat, ugly, etc. So I guess it kind of became natural for me to assume that was what everyone thought of me. Just like my fear of fire and death goes back to an incident that occurred when I was only 2 years old. It’s apparent to me that in order to overcome my fears, I am going to have to constantly give them over to Christ. I thought once or twice would do it, but maybe it needs to be a daily thing for me. It is something I am going to work on and I would love your prayers too if you don’t mind. So it’s obvious my close friends that I have now actually like me because they go out of their way to encourage me, give me gifts, and they are relationships where both parties edify the other, showing love and selflessness. It is wonderful and I am still getting used to the concept. So, I am not afraid of being myself around these friends because they all already know me pretty well, even some of my deepest secrets and struggles, and yet they still like me. Who would have thought? Really cool huh?! As I know it is the same for you, your close friends adore you and all of you.

So where does the fear factor in then? Well it shows itself in making new friendships. I am quite comfortable with the friendships I have now had for several years because they are well rooted and nurtured. But new friendships are terrifying. Remember the person I wanted to get to know better but the feeling wasn’t mutual? Well I feel that a lot. I do experience a lot of rejection from others, even Christians, when I simply say hi to them or try to be friendly. And I mean in places where building friendships should be safe, such as at Church. A month ago I was volunteering as a greeter at my church and I was having a great time until someone refused to hug me or shake my hand. She made an excuse, but proceeded to kindly greet everyone else around me. That hurt, more than I would like to admit, and it reaffirmed my belief that I shouldn’t try and reach out/ make new friendships because I will be wasting my time or just end up hurt. I know this isn’t the way to live, in fear of the what ifs… but I also know all of you experience this fear in some capacity. It is why anxiety, loneliness, and suicide are on the rise in our society. We swap out meaningful relationships for supernatural ones. And perhaps after you reach a certain age, you don’t really need new friends. Who knows? It’s just, I am a person who is always willing to get to know someone new. I want to experience the whole body of the church and everyone’s stories and experiences are precious to me. I value communion.

The friendship of Johnathan and David in the Bible has always stuck out to me. They have such a close, special friendship. A friendship like any of their others, and it is one that glorifies God. They care deeply for each other and want to see the other succeed in their walk with Christ. Maybe, that type of friendship is still possible today? Maybe my longing for a #1 best friend isn’t so silly after all. Maybe, it is what we are meant to have all along? I know my heart is full after talking to and/or spending time with any of my besties, so how much more would be if I had one where we were each others #1? Or maybe my longing is rooted in the need for relationship outside of just family and marriage, and with busy schedules it is so hard to keep up with close friends (and believe me I am guilty of not keeping in touch). But I really think if we are supposed to have friends that sharpen us, edify us, and keep us accountable, than maybe it isn’t such a far reach to want one friend that is your specific go to. I definitely always want to have the close friends I currently have and I am blessed to have them. But I think you get what I mean. Maybe we all are meant to have a special friend that we are committed to and go out of our way to talk to more and check up on more. Maybe this one friend holds us accountable and helps keep us in line and vice versa. Maybe this one friend shares  a special connection with us and together as a duo they help each grow closer to Christ. They help each other have happy marriages and motherhood by being the main shoulder to cry on.

Upon doing some research earlier, it appears that many Christians desire deeper intimacy (and I’m not talking sexual here) in their friendships, but they feel they don’t have the time for it. Or they fear it won’t work. It seems fear seems to harass people other than me, unfortunately. But on the bright side, I think this longing for deeper relationships we have can be a sort of revival. After all, God calls us to care deeply for our spiritual brothers and sisters. Maybe the special friendships we have with them can be what points others to Christ. Both because of how the bond is unbreakable and because the bond causes each person to have support to become the best version of their self they can be as they are sanctified and become more like the image of Christ.

I promise I am not always down on myself, like I have been in some of my recent blog posts. I do like aspects of my personality and I’d like to think I have some spiritual gifts that would benefit other believers and vice versa. I also think I would make a great #1 bestie for someone, and that there is one who would make a great one for me too. I also believe it is good to have more than one close friend, so why not have both?! Maybe my #1 bestie is one of my besties and I don’t even realize it. I am going off of assumption that they each have their own #1 best friend. But there is potential for any of them to become my #1. And even if that never happens, we all will still be close friends because the friends I have now are more valuable than gold and will always be special to me. It’s also possible my #1 bestie is still someone I have yet to meet.

So I am going to challenge myself to get out of my comfort zone and take risks. Even if I am scared on the inside, this coming year I want to make it a goal to be open to new relationships. I also want to deepen the current ones I have and to continue to nourish them. Who knows what this 2020 has for any of us? I also want to encourage you to know your worth. Know that you are worthy of having great friends and that you are treasured. Be brave this coming year with me. Be brave and take risks. Get to know people. If we continue to live in fear we miss out on one of the biggest blessings and joys God has for us in this life : relationships. Take care and God Bless. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! See you all in 2020! <3

Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice.   Proverbs 27:9 NIV

Walk with the wise and become wise, for a companion of fools suffers harm. Proverbs 13:20 NIV

 One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24 NIV

We proclaim to you what we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his Son, Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete. 1 John 1:3-4 NIV

Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2 NIV

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. 10 If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. 11 Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 NLT

Right Here, Right Now

Two of my girls being twins hehe

2019...wow, what a year…. And I don’t mean that in the most positive way. In fact this year may have been the most challenging yet in my life. But before I talk about that some, I want to share a cute memory that the song I am currently listening to reminds me of. The song “Right Here, Right Now” from the High School Musical 3 movie. This song brings me back to when I was 15 years old interning at my old elementary school every Wednesday (my school CAHS had a special program where every upperclassmen did an internship on Wednesdays until the last month of school) with my good guy friend/ everyone considered us dating even though it wasn’t ever “official”. I had gotten to a place where I was content just being a good friend of his and we would just spend the hours talking to each other about life while we did different tasks for the teachers. The teacher I shadowed was my all time favorite teacher, Sra. Brick. She believed in me when I was too shy to speak up in second grade. She helped build my confidence and she kept going up a grade for a few years so that she could keep me and my best friend, Karla from El Salvador, together in the same class. She went out of her way to make sure I had the tools I needed to succeed. She also knew we needed each other as Karla was new to America and learning a completely new culture. Sra. Brick is a huge reason why I enjoy teaching and want to eventually become a full-time teacher.

So ya, back to that ole’ crush haha. I never admitted it to him and he never admitted it to me, but everyone knew. It was kind of obvious, but is was innocent and sweet. When we were together I just wanted to think about the “right here, right now”. I will never forget him, even though we had a major fight that forever ended our friendship. Even though his family didn’t like me because I wasn’t “white”.He taught me a lot of things too and while he made me upset sometimes, he too helped me learn to have confidence in myself. He wouldn’t let me stay shy and timid in high school. He was determined to pull me out of my shell and he really helped me. Sometimes I wish I could remember to think about the “right here, right now” more often instead of worrying about what tomorrow brings, like I was able to do back when I was a kid. I believe that as I grow in my relationship with Christ, it will become more natural to let go and let God take the reigns. He has gotten me through so so many things, so I know I can rely on him.

This past year I am going to be honest, was tough. As much as I strive to be a strong Christian who never takes her eyes off of Jesus, I definitely felt myself stumble quite a bit. I haven’t been in the Word as much as I should be. I have been spending too much time on things distracting me from my circumstances instead of running right into God’s arms. I have focused way too much on my shortcomings and also lost my zeal for life at times too. It definitely became going through the motions a lot of the time between all of the deaths (THREE, THREE deaths in 2019.. No wait FOUR including my great aunt Doris), days my chronic illnesses were debilitating, finding out some of my immediate family have health conditions we didn’t know about, and the stress. So much so that I even began thinking is this it? Am I ever going to get back on track again? Will I forever be a train wreck who just falls further and further behind. Will Jesus finally say he has had enough and leave me to my own devices? As tempting as it has been to just hide away from everyone, I still feel God pulling me to Him. I still hear his whispers that He is with me wherever I go and that He loves me. I have a husband who works tirelessly to make sure I remember my worth, along with the best friends I could ask for. It sounds cheesy but it’s true. Without the special people God has perfectly placed in my life, I don’t know if I could keep on. It is so true that he provides who and what we need. My only hope is that I can be half as great of a spouse and friend that they have been to me. I mean last Saturday I spent the day with three friends who I hadn’t seen in a long time. It had been two years since I had gotten the chance to see Brittany, a little over a year since I got to see Melinda, and yeah two years since I saw Caitlin. I barely texted Melinda over the past year and I don’t think I texted Caitlin at all. I talked to Brittany a bit more, but not much more. I usually strive to check on my friends way more than I did this past year and yet, they didn’t mind. When I saw them, it was like old times. They gave me thoughtful gifts and made sure I felt loved. What did I do to deserve them? I definitely want to make sure I am a better friend this coming year. I thought they would eventually forget about me because I wasn’t staying in touch as much as I should be. But they have always stuck with me thick and thin. All of my best friends have. Kristin, Sarah, Brandy, Katie, Destiny, Vicki, Angela, and all others. I am beyond blessed.

In 2020 I definitely want to get back on track with spending quality time with Jesus and spending more time reaching out to my precious friends. I also want to fall in love with myself again. This year I have hated myself a lot. Hated how much I keep making mistakes. How much I am sick with migraines and seizures. Hated how I can’t drive and how I sometimes have to rely on others, when I would like to be the one helping. If my husband and friends can see good in me, and they stick around, then I must have some redeeming qualities. I can’t think of any good personal attributes, but I am thankful to have people who believe in me. Maybe in 2020 I can find out more about what makes me “special”. I do know in 2019 I finally came to terms with a part of me that is hard to share, but it makes me “me”. I really believe this self realization helps me make sense of my world and helps me relate to others who have it too. I don’t feel comfortable talking about it much as it is quite personal, and while I am an open book, some things are best kept to a few people. But if I ever do feel called to share, I will. I have struggled with the possibility for years and years and I finally am at peace just knowing. It doesn’t change me, I am still me. In 2020 I also hope to have some more adventures with Robbie, my dogs, and my friends. Some traveling with the hubby and dogs, and maybe a ladies trip too?!? I believe 2020 will be a better year, I just need to ride out the storm and let Jesus hold me. I all too often try to fix everything myself (yes I am stubborn but I get it from my dad ;) ), so starting today I am handing it over to Jesus.

2019 Wasn’t completely a bust either, so I want to reflect on the good blessings I experienced this year. I was blessed with an online teaching opportunity which has been amazing. I adore the children I get to teach and I believe this experience was a gift given to me by God to show that teaching is the career direction I am supposed to take. I am excited to see where it continues to go! Also in 2019 I got to see my besties Kristin and Kyle in North Carolina. Over the summer Robbie and I spent our three year wedding anniversary in the Smoky Mountains in Tennessee, and it was my first time there. We took all four dogs and it was so much fun! We stayed in a beautiful log cabin and had our own private hot tub. I love to explore so I can’t wait to travel more. God kept my dog safe when he was loose for two weeks after he escaped my friend’s house. God also gave my hubby a raise and from the sounds of things my other job may be giving me a raise too. I had my favorite actress retweet me a few times on twitter too (Yael Grobglas). My blog post I made a year ago about being a Christian with Chronic illness has touched almost 2,000 people! So I can’t say it was a completely terrible year. It was hard though, but I know it can only get better from here.

So why did I just share all of this? Well I know others have had a hard year too. For some 2019 was their year and I am overjoyed for them. But for others like me, it involved loss, hurt, death, sadness, sorrow, sliding, etc. I want you to know you aren’t alone and to not be afraid to turn to your friends because if you’ve got true ones, they will help you through. Also please ask God to help you through. And don’t stress if you aren’t keeping up as much as you should be. Rather let God and those he was placed into your life hold you. Those special people will be who keep you from falling too far. If you don’t have many friends, go ahead and ask Jesus to bring some into your life. About eh, 7 years ago or so I was sad because I didn’t have many friends after removing some toxic ones. But, he answered my prayers and my heart is full. If there is someone you’d like to get to know better, don’t be afraid to get to know them. Just be sure to guard your heart and understand not everyone is going to like you. Not everyone is worthy of being called a close friend. And that’s okay. Last year I met a woman who I had to have in my life. I would have done anything for her to be my best friend because she seemed perfect. She had her life together, was confident, and beautiful. There was just something about her that I will never forget. But despite how I tried to become friends, it was clear she didn’t have the same desire. Don’t be me. If someone is meant to be your friend they will put in an effort without having to be chased. God will give you who you need and they will need you too. It’ll be a beautiful balance. Just look at my good friends? I am just me and they love me. I still don’t know what they see in me, but they love me and I love them too. Each of them are wonderful. Let God pick those who are special in your life and you won’t be disappointed. Also take time to remember what blessings you do have.

P.s. whenever I struggle I remember my favorite song from middle school called “What if” by Jadon Lavik. Here is a link to it. It is a beautiful song about God’s unfailing love <3


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sx32YIm6v5c




The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18 NIV



A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17 NIV




Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 NIV




The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV


How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity! Psalm 133:1 NIV