Inside the brain of a non neurotypical

I promise I will finish the last part of the mini series very soon, but I have noticed a large increase in views on my blogpost, When a Christian Meets Chronic Illness, from December 2018, over the last few days. So I have decided to write more about that today. I have been encouraged to continue to share my journey and life from my point of view, and am filled with joy that my words have been able to help so many. Today’s post is inspired by my cousin’s fascination of my odd brain phenomenons (he is also, by the way, non neurotypical), my sister who cannot express what she experiences on a daily basis as someone with Autism who is nonverbal, my own obsession with the human psyche and trying to understand why mine is so complex, my neurologist who continues to fight to find a way to decrease my seizures and migraines, and the new medication added to my daily regimen that seems to be promising.


I am a normal adult, at least from what meets the eye. I have a Bachelor’s Degree in Journalism and a Master’s Degree in Organizational Communication. I have two steady jobs, one that involves teaching English to children overseas, and the other is caring for a family member as a home health aide. I am an extrovert and love to be out and about, exploring, connecting with people and the world around me. The more people I get to know, the better. I have been married almost four years now, own a home, and have a few fur kids. I have some awesome best friends that I have been blessed with who I catch up with regularly, even though we can’t see each other often because life becomes busy after college days. I have been a supervisor before and miss my job at Alden Library fondly. The reason I left that job was because of a family emergency that required me to leave Athens to move back to Columbus a few years ago (you can find more on this in older posts). I am blessed and I have a fulfilling life.


Nevertheless, there is a lot more to me than meets the eye. I have a lot going for me, but it isn’t always easy. There are many days where I cannot work because seizures or migraines leave me debilitated for the rest of the day. I am on 6, sometimes 7, different medicines a day to control my several illnesses and disabilities, such as Poly Ovarian Cystic Syndrome, Anxiety, Epilepsy, Chronic Migraines, Sensory Processing Disorder, etc. I have a service dog that can sense and smell a scent (undetectable to me) to alert to migraines, seizures, or when my blood sugar drops too low thanks to occasional insulin issues with my PCOS hormonal imbalance. A lot of my illnesses are caused by the other, or make at least aggravate others. So sometimes having a bad migraine causes a slew of seizures. Or whenever my hormones are especially out of whack from PCOS, I can have bad seizures. Anxiety and panic attacks can happen before or after a migraine or seizure. Having heightened senses can make me prone to anxiety. Is that extreme itching seasonal allergies or an allergic reaction to the new medicine? Am I tired because of one of my conditions or because of how many medications I take? I will never know. As much as I love to do things and be out in public, it is also draining, especially going to the grocery store. For some reason in particular, the grocery store can cause major sensory overloads and sometimes even complex partial seizures, where I lose awareness of where I am and am unable to move, respond, or do anything for a bit. I know that I am not alone in simple outings being a challenge to those of us with disabilities. There is something called the spoon theory that explains how chronic conditions cause fatigue and emotional drain, which is why things that don’t bother “normal” people can be exhausting for us. Yeah, it’s bleh.

My husband the other day asked me which illness would I choose to have removed if I could have one completely removed in an instant. It was hard for a second, but I think I would have to choose the Epilepsy or chronic migraines because those seem to affect my independence and ability to function day to day the most. Although, sometimes I would love to have normal sensory perceptions, rather than heightened sensory perceptions. Yet at the same time, if I were healed of my sensory processing disorder suddenly, I don’t know what I would do with myself because it has become a part of who I am. While sometimes I hate it, other times it benefits me (more on that later). I can’t say that about any of my other conditions. I feel like most of us with chronic illnesses and/ or disabilities would love more than anything to be normal. In fact sometimes I cry out to God asking him why I have to be “weird”. I ask him why can’t I be normal so that I can be able to do more for him, because I feel inadequate. People like myself feel like we are burdens to everyone around us, even our doctors, especially if what we have can’t be solved easily. But for some things, like Autism, a cure isn’t always wanted. Rather, understanding and compassion instead. I know many with Autism who are outraged by the notion that their “Autism” is something that must be eradicated, rather than accepted. Autism changes the way someone experiences the entire world, but it doesn’t make them any less of a human being than anyone else. Autism is one of many conditions misunderstood and stigmatized, much like how mental health is stigmatized. Trust me, I know. I have been shunned by many for not fitting the normal mold, and many wonder how I can still have chronic conditions even though I have prayed for healing and believe in Jesus. I believe God has a purpose in everything and that if he doesn’t heal me, there is a reason for it. It is still a process, but I am realizing more and more everyday that God can use any of us and that his will is greater than we can ever imagine. I may not be as capable as many others, but my strength comes from the Lord and with Him, anything is possible.

Back in September, I had a wonderful conversation with a cousin of mine. We talked about everything from life, to TV shows, and our chronic conditions. He is on the spectrum, so he has Sensory Processing Disorder like me and understands how it is a unique aspect of what makes us, “us”. But, he doesn’t have epilepsy, so he was curious as to what some of my seizures look like. Medication has controlled certain types I used to have, while some I still continue to have. As I explained what I feel and experience during seizures, he was mesmerized. He wanted to hear more. Of course, he didn’t like that seizures are bad and can harm me, but some of the ways they manifest themselves are strange, and that fascinated him. Heck, my own brain both fascinates and scares me too. Like I wonder what the heck is going on up there and why so much energy is firing off all of the time. I bet his reaction is what my neurologist is thinking to himself when I describe my symptoms, because I am a weird case where my brain looks completely normal on the MRI images. I know doctors have to hide their emotions and be stoic, but I really wish I knew the thoughts of my neurologist when working on my case. Or maybe not, haha. Sometimes when I have complex partial seizures things feel surreal, as if I am watching a movie of myself and everything around me is suddenly not real, or it becomes unfamiliar. During those types of seizures I am unable to react to my environment briefly, and afterwards I feel a rush of fear and then extreme sorrow. Occasionally, instead of sorrow I feel a huge burst of intense euphoria, like I am suddenly on top of the world. Those were some of the worst seizures I ever had, and I am thankful that medication has caused those to cease. The seizures that cause bad smells such as the smell of fire, have also gone away. And I haven’t fallen down the stairs ever since I have been on medication. But I still have myoclonic seizures and absence seizures a lot, and full blown grand mal seizures (in my sleep). Myoclonic seizures are when your body muscles decide to contract very abruptly, causing jerks and spasms. Sometimes they’re barely noticeable, and can only be felt. Other times they can be seen by everyone and you end up throwing whatever you had in your hands (I have spilt many drinks thanks to this. Thankful for my wooden floors). Absence seizures happen when I am doing something then suddenly I freeze and am unaware and unable to respond, and then sometimes I will resume what I was doing without even realizing what happened. Often what helps me realize I had one is the conversation I was engaging in suddenly sounds like gibberish, or the person with me notices and points it out. Like a few weeks ago I was pulling a hoodie off, and as I began to take it off, I had one. So for like 30 seconds I was frozen with my arms halfway in the air, and once it was over I finished taking my hoodie off. My husband Robbie was like you had a seizure and I was like “oh I did?” My sleep seizures unfortunately involve full on convulsions and sometimes I stop breathing. This is where sleeping with my service dog becomes a life saver. If she can’t get me up she will wake up my husband.


Another thing my cousin and I talked about was the fact that I have Synesthesia, which is rare but really cool. Look it up ;) I like to keep how I experience it a special secret that I only share if I know you. There are many forms of it, and I think it is awesome. I think it is one of the coolest things about me, honestly. And to think when I first noticed it I was about five or six and I thought everyone experienced it until I told Robbie about it one day and he was like “huh?!” and then my former therapist excitedly told me I had Synesthesia. I love it, I think it is very fun and it is one of the reasons I don’t want to ever lose my extreme sensory perceptions. So about this Sensory Processing disorder I’ve mentioned numerous times, let me share with you what it is like to be someone who has it, as this is what makes me not neurotypical. Sensory processing disorder is exactly what it sounds like; it means my brain doesn’t process information it is given by my senses in a normal way. For some, it means that their brain under reacts to sensory stimuli, whereas in my case, my brain OVER reacts to stimuli. And I mean truly overreacts. I can hear so many sounds at once and they all sound like they are at the same volume, which makes being in loud spaces really hard sometimes. In the first town home Robbie and I lived in, we were the only ones that lived in our section because it was a new build. There was only one other person who lived down the road. In the winter I would wake up in the middle of night every night whenever the people who lived down the road’s heat pump kicked on. I would wake up when I heard ours too, but I could hear theirs fairly well too. Now I have to sleep with white noise because I can hear the cars from the main road where I live, even though I live several side streets away from the main road. I can’t handle the sound of any sort of chewing, I have to put ear buds in or find a way to drown the sound out. One time at a restaurant there was only one other person there and I could hear her eating with her mouth open, and with every chew, I felt as if someone were stabbing me in the ears. It was so painful, but I know it wasn’t her fault so I decided to extremely focus on something else in order to not lose my mind.


Along with sound, smell is also over reactive. I cannot stomach many food smells, which I believe is partially why I am such a picky eater. If someone has really strong perfume on, sometimes I feel as if I am going to throw up or can’t breathe. I also know what every person I know smells like, their natural smell. I can tell if someone hasn’t showered in a week (gag) and I can even tell if someone is sick based on their smell. I could tell you who was my friend and who wasn’t if you blind folded me and had me smell their neck. Weird right? I guess I am part dog (just kidding). My eye sight isn’t 20/20 anymore but whenever I get my glasses prescription updated, I am overwhelmed by how clear I can see things. Like I can see the tiniest detail in the leaves on the trees, and each carpet fiber on my parents’ carpet. Colors can be overwhelmingly bright, but I love it at the same time. Touch sometimes feels really good, or really, really painful. Like sometimes a light touch to my arm feels like a thousand needles pricking my arm all at once. Or it can feel so good that it takes your breath away. There is one thing I feel more strongly than others, it is the feelings of those around me. 

So why do I consider my sensory processing disorder a part of who I am and something I don’t want to ever give up? Well because it does have its benefits. Music is incredible and when it is a song I enjoy, I can feel it through every sense receptor on my body. The sensation I get during a great song is indescribable, but I love it. I get chills, I get a wave of pleasure, and an extreme rush of joy, and then relaxation. Also some smells also bring me great joy too. Like the smell of chlorine, which reminds me of swimming, one of my favorite things to do. The smell of my dogs (not the gross wet dog smell, the smell of their skin) and my husband’s natural smell, give me a sense of comfort and security. The scent of Downy scent beads (I am allergic to the fabric softener itself) helps me sleep at night because of the memories the smell releases. Oh and the feeling I get when I am around people I care about, is perhaps the best aspect of sensory processing disorder of it all. Just being around friends catching up, gives me HUGE rushes of euphoria. Sometimes it is so intense I feel like I am going to faint or explode. Being around people I love and who love me too is just amazing, and being able to feel that love on a different level, it is, well, amazing. I wish I could always be around my friends and loved ones because the feeling of love, the actual feeling of mutual love (And I mean all forms of love, not just romantic) is amazing. It shows me how God intended relationships to be. Full of love, respect, gratitude, and pleasure.


Lastly, I will touch on how having chronic illnesses affects how we interact with others. We want others to like us for who we are, and to be our friend because they enjoy being around us and not because they feel they have to. I have been around people who pretend to like me, and I can feel it. So please, don’t pretend. It is okay if you don’t like me, I can respect that. I am the type of person who wants to be liked by everyone. I sometimes break the norm by befriending doctors, waitresses, dentists, ect. I go through great lengths to try to read everyone and see how they feel about me. But something I have been learning through life is that not everyone will like you, no matter what you do. And that is okay. You just keep moving forward. I am blessed to have a lot of people in my life who like me for who I am, and I love them each for who they are. Those of us with disabilities just want to be treated like anyone else, honestly. Thank you for taking the time to see what life is like for someone who isn’t “normal”. If I haven’t scared you away and you want to continue being my friend, then I value that more than I can ever say. And if I did scare you away, that is okay. I realize it is a lot of be friends with someone who comes with as much baggage, so to speak, as someone like I do. Either way, I wish you blessings and the best. Here is some scripture for you to think about <3

Edit: I forgot to add the new medicine I'm trying for my seizures has made me itchy, but it seems to be calming. Like I haven't been this calm since pre covid19, so I'll take the extra chill affect.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13:13 NIV

Letting go, without looking back

I decided to write another blog post in between my mini series because there is a lot on my mind and I feel there are some things that need to be said, especially to my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I know this is a very stressful time for all of us, and we all have different things that make this time challenging. Some are stuck in abusive situations (which I pray and hope they find a way out of). Others are stuck at home with their families with a lot of bored children. Some are on the frontlines in the hospitals risking their lives and watching people die. Some have medical conditions that make them high risk(like myself). Some don’t have jobs right now and are struggling to get unemployment. Some have essential jobs (I do and am thankful), but it also is scary just waiting to see if we come in contact with someone ill. This pandemic is hurting all of us in multiple ways, and I don’t really like to try and think about who has it worse, because its not a competition. It hurts my heart everyday knowing the weight that is on everyone's shoulders. I want this to be over with as soon as possible so that everyone can be healthy and full of joy again. I am a bit afraid of what will happen to me (or some of my loved ones) if they get the virus. However, I am beginning to be even more afraid of how some people are reacting/ planning on doing as a result.


Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4 NIV

I have seen on Facebook, and have been told by some friends and family, many things that absolutely shock me, and leave me devastated. Many people are saying that they don’t care who dies from the virus because the economy is more important. Some leaders have said that our grandparents should sacrifice their lives so that the economy can stay open. Some keep pointing out that it only kills the old and those with chronic conditions(that includes me, my sister, my mom, my older sister, some friends, some fellow church members, my pastor, etc.), which may seem like no issue to someone who is young and healthy. But when I hear this, I hear you saying that your life matters MORE. That our lives are the sum of what we can offer to society and that if we aren’t as capable, or as young as others, we should just be discarded. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want the economy to sink. I don’t like that some people are struggling financially because of this. I don’t want to dismiss the position this pandemic has put them in, because their struggles matter too and their lives matter too. But I don’t know of anywhere in the Bible that says our worth comes from how much we can do for society. I also don’t understand the notion that we have make it a competition saying that because of the precautions in place, society cares more about those who get the infection and die, than those who struggle financially right now. Why are we doing this?

The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:31 NIV


We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister. 1 John 4:19-21 NIV

It gets worse. People are pointing the finger at those of us who want to respect authority and do our best to love others by preventing the spread. I have already been mocked by more than one person, who are Christians mind you, saying that I am a fool for wanting to listen to authority and for wanting to take precautions since I am more at risk. And I have had people say that if someone who is more susceptible to risks gets the virus and dies, that it was God’s will that they died and that we should have never taken any precautions at all because whoever God wants to die will die. I see some problems with this logic because if that is the case, why did God design doctors at all? Why do we do anything at all to protect ourselves? I mean if someone runs in front of a car and dies, then it wasn’t God’s will that they died. Rather, they died from their own actions. Sure God does allow us to die and he knows who will die and from what before we were ever created. But don’t for a second think that God is happy when someone dies, especially when it is an unsaved soul. God allows death to happen because of sin in this world, not because he enjoys it. He gave us free will. God’s heart breaks whenever anyone passes because he never wanted death to ever be a part of the equation. Death exists because of sin and sin is the result of what humans did. God gives us leaders and he puts them in power, because they are there to protect us and do what is best for us. Don’t call me a fool for respecting leaders like God calls me to do. You are the fool for not adhering to his Word and choosing what you want to believe is true and what isn’t true. I am sick of the hypocrisy. I have been for a while now and this is just the icing on the cake.

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. 2 Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. Romans 13: 1-2 NIV

For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign Lord. Repent and live! Ezekiel 18:32 NIV

God is never happy when we die. He is saddened by death. It was never his plan for us, but he died so that we could have a hope. Let’s not forget where we have come from. We all were once sinners.
Romans 13 is pretty clear that when we rebel against our leaders, we will be reprimanded by God. Think about that for a bit.


Some are clinging to conspiracy theories more than they cling to Jesus and his truth too, and that is just a shame. I am sick of people claiming Jesus belongs to a certain political party, or that all of this is due to ulterior motives. Or worse, that it is all a hoax. Tell that to the people who are watching so many people die right now. It’s not a hoax, and quite frankly I am not concerned about either political party right now. I don’t care. It is man made and fallible, I don’t put my trust in such institutions. I put my trust in Jesus and God. For so many who say they trust Jesus will provide all of their needs, I don’t see much action following their words. If you believe Jesus is your Lord and Savior, then you know Jesus will provide for you. This life will have trials, and none of us are immune. Why are you surprised that we are in a testing time? Do you not read the Word of God? We are called to lean on Jesus, and trust in Him. Our hope doesn’t come from jobs, politics, etc. Not to say those things are bad, but when they become an idol, they are. So let’s quit putting our trust in things other than God, and let's quit living in fear. I am not going to lie, I see some people saying they are about to get violent because of this. I am concerned about things like more violent crimes, more robberies, and people turning against their loved ones. I am concerned that people like myself who want to love others and obey the law will eventually be targeted by disgruntled people. However, I am working on changing my outlook from fear of what happens if I or my loved ones die from this virus, or what happens around me, to knowing God is in control and he hears my prayers and cries. I will do whatever I need to do to protect others, especially my loved ones. I will also do that along with fighting the battle on my knees, giving it to Christ.

So do not fear, for I am with you;do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10 NIV

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:21 NIV

So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:31 NIV

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matthew 10:29-31 NIV
The biggest problem with all of this is that because of the focus on ourselves instead of the bigger picture, and the reason God put us here in the first place, we are not witnessing to the lost and we are not loving them the way God wants us to. When we don’t live out our Christian lives the way Christ called us too, it is the unbelievers that suffer. They are the ones who may never want to accept Christ because all they see is hypocrisy. I can’t tell you what to do, but I can try my best to put things in perspective because I care about you and those who don’t know Jesus. I can’t keep quiet on something when there is SO MUCH at stake. There are SOULS at stake here. We are the example and if we don’t show the love of JESUS to EVERYONE, then many will DIE unsaved because they never heard the truth and never experienced the love that Jesus gives. I will say that I am done dealing with the toxicity I have been seeing lately, and with that. I am letting go, without looking back. I am moving forward in my relationship with Christ and whoever wants to do the same I will see you there. Whoever wants to stay behind, I wish you the best and will continue to pray for you.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:3-4 NIV


I am a people pleaser and I have been battling with it on and off my entire life. I have wanted to hurt myself before because I have upset people by not making them happy, or sharing the same interests and opinions as them. I have wanted to hide away and cease to exist because I wasn’t good enough for people. I have wished I were dead because I thought the world would be happier without me, or at least the people who never seem to be happy with me. I could never understand why no matter how hard I tried, people still hated me. But as I have grown I have learned that I am not called to please man, but to please God. And if I am disliked by many for doing what I was called to do, then I am doing something right because Christ was perfect, didn’t harm a soul, yet was persecuted by many. This is the straw that breaks the camel's back. I am unapologetically being all that God made me to be. I am going to be my authentic self and you can choose to stay in touch or move on. I am done with trying to fit into extra religious dogma that is not in the Bible.I am done trying to fit a mold I was never made to fit. I am done trying to take on everyone's load. I am done trying to be people’s savior, when I can never be that because I am not Jesus himself. Now, I am surrendering that need for approval to God and letting him take care of people. I can love others, I can pray for them, and I can help(when God calls me to and not because I have this unsatiated desire to make sure no one ever feels any pain). I can’t fix everyone's problems and I realize finally, I need to let that go. I wasn’t called to fix the entire world. Jesus is the answer for that. I hope and pray that you be blessed and that you take a minute to think about where your heart is right now. Remember we aren’t called to be comfortable. We are called to live our lives for Jesus and to be used however he wants us to. It is hard because we all struggle with our flesh, but Jesus’ plan is the best for us. He won’t let us down. If you don’t already know Christ, I pray that you consider asking him into your heart to be your Lord and Savior right now.  To my brothers and sisters, this is our time to let Jesus shine and let the whole world see why we believe what we believe. Don't let this opportunity go to waste! Let's pray for the lost and that many will be saved during these trying times. God bless and take care <3

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. 1 Timothy 6:12 NIV

Wishing I could stop the train part 2 (blessings)

Happy Resurrection Sunday everyone! I hope that you have a blessed day, even though we aren’t able to celebrate it at church like we usually do. This may sound insane, but this is one of the most peaceful Easters I’ve ever had because it is just about what Jesus did for us and remembering that. There is no rushing around, trying to look perfect, having to please several people, and no creepy Easter bunny (I’ve despised him since I was a kid). This isn’t to say that I don’t like gathering for the holiday, I do. I love the special church services held on Resurrection Sunday and spending time outside with family, taking in the outside air and watching my family goof off while I quietly take it all in. Today I am reflecting more than usual on how magnificent the gift of Jesus’ death is to us. There is no other love like His. Nothing like His gift. He is perfect, no sin. He died for the sake of us being able to be cleansed from sin, so that our relationship with the Father can be restored. That is something I hold to now more than ever, because it reminds me that anything I go through in this life is only temporary, and pales in comparison to what Jesus did for me. Any pain now is but a temporary condition. Next year things will be normal, and even better, eternity will be perfect, full of peace and joy. No more sorrow, no more death, no more poverty, no more abuse, no more disease. I can’t wait!

In part one of this mini series, I mentioned how reminiscing on memories helps me to cope with the current world condition, and how it could definitely help you too. Memories are what make us who we are, so it is so important to reflect on them from what we have overcome, to the good we have had so that we don’t let the present trial consume us and ravage our peace and joy. You can read part 1 here: https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/04/wishing-i-could-stop-train-part-1.html I wish that this train could be stopped already so that deaths will end and so that everyone can have a normal life again, but I know we must be patient. So I will continue to do things that are good for my mental and spiritual health, and share those with you too because I want you to be blessed and to experience God to the fullest extent.

The next thing that helps me cope is to look at my blessings (and this works for any trial, especially one as big as this pandemic). In fact, looking at my blessings is what helps me cope with a few lifelong trials I have as someone who has chronic illnesses and is considered “disabled”. I hate that word, because it makes it seem like people with disabilities like myself are "less than". But really, we are stronger because we overcome challenges normal people wouldn’t even know how to handle, and we find different ways to achieve our goals. We don’t give up no matter what is thrown our way. We know it will be a battle of ours until the day we die, unless it is God’s will to heal us, so we have learned to deal with a daily, permanent battle. In a way, I suppose my chronic illnesses for once are a blessing. And what I mean by that is not that it is good to be sick. No, what I mean is what I have learned and endured because of it. It has kept me humble, it has helped me to enjoy the small things in life because some days the only good thing about my day is that God gave me another day alive.

Having chronic illnesses and having/ caring for a family member who has even more severe disabilities than myself has taught me not to sweat the small stuff. I don’t cry over spilled milk, so to speak. I am thankful for the days that we are all able to be together without any pain or sorrow. I am thankful for the days that I don’t have a migraine that makes me unable to do anything, or seizures that sometimes cause me to fall or be unaware of my surroundings. I am thankful for the days that I am not in bed the entire day, where despite desperately wanting to go to work, I can’t because my body is so fatigued from multiple seizures ,that I can’t move more than a few feet without collapsing. I am so thankful for my dogs who will not leave my side when I am sick, and who are always ready to play when I am healthy. I am thankful for a husband who sticks by me, despite my shortcomings from epilepsy. I often wonder why anyone even bothers to stay in my life, because I can’t just always go out and do things like normal people can. Even though I consider myself a burden to others, I have a BIG circle of friends and loved ones who would do anything for me. What more could I ask for?

I am thankful that I am used to being home days that I would rather be outside, as this too is helping me a lot right now. While many are heartbroken over being stuck at home (And trust me I am getting sick of it too) as someone with chronic illnesses, it is no stranger to me. I have had to miss important baby showers, birthday dinners, etc. because of my diseases. It sucks, and sometimes I wish I could just give up on life itself. But everyday I press on is another victory. This temporary halt in our daily lives will not last forever, and since it is temporary, I can more easily cope with it compared to people who have never had to deal with permanent setbacks. My heart goes out to people who aren’t used to being stuck at home, because it is like a culture shock and stressful I am sure. My heart also goes out to anyone stuck in abusive homes right now, and I pray for your safety. My heart goes out to the people on the frontlines right now fighting this awful disease and caring for anyone who falls ill. I am forever grateful for you! I pray daily that God watch over you and that you will be blessed for the sacrifices you make. I am thankful for such an amazing Ohio health director, Dr. Amy Acton. She is totally my celebrity crush because I admire her so much. So smart, yet so humble. I can see the love she has for all of us in how determined she is to make sure the least amount of people die as possible. I am thankful for a governor, Mike Dewine, who makes decisions (that may upset some) in the interest of the whole rather than a few who only care about themselves. It is God who puts leaders into power, and he knew what he was doing when he put Dr. Acton and Mike Dewine in power. That is such a blessing for Ohio!

Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves Romans 13:1-2 NIV

Enough about my illnesses, I want to share some of my blessings that are truly amazing. My husband and my dogs are my two biggest blessings in my life. My husband Robbie is such a gentle, loving, Godly man who will do anything for me. He and I are truly soulmates, and we have so much fun together. We have a deep and special bond. My dogs are like my children. I haven’t been able to have children of my own and there is a great chance that I will not because I have PCOS and it is the leading cause of infertility. My dogs are my friends who are with me thick and thin, and I have a precious connection with each of them, especially Mikki, my white and black pomeranian. Mikki is my seizure alert service dog, and she has saved my life a few times, letting my husband know when I have stopped breathing in my sleep because of a sleep seizure, or letting me know I am about to have one so I don’t fall and hurt myself. She loves to please me and loves to be cradled like a baby in my arms. She dances around and is always happy. Petra is my second favorite. She is the youngest and she is a wild child. She was rescued from the streets in California and had severe pneumonia before I adopted her. When I heard her story I knew I needed to meet her, and when I met her I met several adoptable dogs; but she chose me when she calmly sat at my feet and licked them. She gives Robbie and I joy with her silly personality. She is always wanting to play wrestle. She loves to run around and do a play growl and bark. When she wants to play she puts both paws in the air and balances on her hind legs. Oh and she play bites my nose sometimes, though we are working on that not being a regular thing haha. Of course I love all of my dogs (and my late dogs like Luke Bryan and Marina). Mae Mae is Robbie’s favorite and she is a sweetie too. Always ready to cuddle and give kisses. The love a dog can give is invaluable, immeasurable, and something that humans are incapable of. Dogs love us no matter what we do, it is the closest example of God’s unconditional agape love he has for us. To live with dogs and enjoy them is amazing. When I got my first dog, it felt as if I had a void in my life filled, something missing from my life that I didn’t even know until I became a dog mom.

Some other blessings I have is the condo we own. It was really hard to find a lender willing to consider us with student loans, but God made a way, and gave us the best possible realtor ever to help us, Leigh Merriman. Every morning I wake up I am grateful to have a roof over my head to call my own, a place that is more affordable than rent has become. If it weren’t for this home, it would be hard to afford anything. But with this condo, it helps us still be able to enjoy life, even with debt. I am thankful to have a car and that God made a way for it have an expensive repair done just a few weeks before this Covid19 hit the US. Without that car, my hubby wouldn’t be able to take me to work right now (I can’t drive because of my seizures). I am thankful for my other job, my online teaching job that gives me the pleasure and opportunity to teach English to wonderful children in China. It has been really cool learning about how our cultures are similar and different, and watching them go from not being able to pronounce or say anything at all, to being able to have conversations with me. They are so loving and keep telling me right now that they love me and want me to stay healthy and safe. I don’t know what I would do without those beautiful souls. I am honored I get to be a special part of their life and prepare them to become global citizens.

I am thankful that I can afford to get takeout several times a week (or go to restaurants when things are normal), as I am a foodie. I am thankful that I have become good friends with some of the waiters and waitresses at places I regularly frequent. Even though it will be a while before I see them again, I am very happy that I can still message them. I am thankful that I have a Bachelor's degree in Journalism and a Masters degree in Organizational Communication, both from Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. I am thankful I got to experience college away from home at such a nice place. I am thankful for the memories made there and for the friendships I will always hold near and dear. I am thankful I had an opportunity to become educated, because so many people are unable to go to college, or even get access to student loans. I hope one day this changes as I would love to see education more accessible for all demographics.

I am thankful that I am a person that sees the best in everyone, and wants good for everyone. I have always valued other cultures and lifestyles different from my own, as I believe every culture has aspects about it that make the world a better place. Everyone is unique, amazing, and lovely. I wish more people had love in their hearts for their neighbors, both here in America and around the world. But I am grateful for the people who do. I have seen the conditions homeless people, and even people from poorer parts of the world, live in and my heart breaks for them. They don’t have even the basic necessities that we all (myself included) can take for granted day to day. If anything, this pandemic has highlighted both some major problems in both our country and the world around us, problems that I hope we don’t forget once everything is normal. Rather, I hope we can become better people as the end of this, doing what is best for our neighbors and those who are less fortunate. I hope we can better share the love of Christ with everyone we come in contact with, and find ways to help everyone have a better life. I also am hopeful that this time in history, we will see more people giving their lives over to Christ, than ever before. I can’t wait to gain more brothers and sisters in Christ. All it takes is admitting we are sinners and that we would like Jesus to be our savior and cleanse us. Then your future is bright, no matter what happens on this temporary earth.

I am thankful for warm summer nights under a sky full of stars, vacations, time with friends and family, swimming, hiking, and shopping too. Don’t worry, we will eventually get back to that in the meantime. Meanwhile, let's follow our leaders and do what Christ would want us to do, which is to love others above ourselves. He will bless us for being faithful. Today I hope you can remember how good God has been to us, and reflect on the many blessings you have in your life. All of us have blessings from God and it is important to give thanks in all circumstances. God bless you and may you have peace and joy even in the midst of the storm.

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. Philippians 2:1-4 NIV

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. 3:16 NIV

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 NIV

Wishing I could stop the train part 1 (reminiscing)

**I’ve decided to make this blog post separated into three different posts :) I hope you enjoy and it helps you during this crazy time in the history of mankind. **

HS besties getting together the summer after I got married

The last few days I’ve been enjoying one of my favorite John Mayer songs “Stop this Train”. This song resonated with me a lot my senior year of high school because while I was excited for the new chapter in my life, I also was afraid of the unknown and what lay ahead. I wasn’t ready to plunge into adulthood, so I wanted to enjoy my last moments as a child as much as I could. I was so afraid that I would never see my high school best friends again, and was worried that I may never make other best friends. Funny that this song would once again resonate with me, but for a completely different reason. In retrospect, moving on from being a child to an adult was a lot easier, and more fun than I ever imagined. My time at Ohio University was one of the best experiences of my life so far. I learned so much about how life worked, how to be independent, met some more great friends, and also met my husband. The peace and joy I felt during my time in Athens, Ohio was remarkable. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so free in my life. The stars seemed brighter, the air fresher, everyone was so kind to each other. The beauty of those rolling hills, especially during fall semester... ahh... Increasing my understanding of the world around me, as well as perfecting my craft, there is nothing like it. I am glad that I wasn’t able to stop the train. But now, right now, this song resonates with me in a new way, because I wish more than ever I could stop the train of events going on. Every day this pandemic continues on is another day of chaos, uncertainty, and unfortunately death. It is definitely beginning to take its toll on me.

One thing that has been helping me cope is to reflect on some of my favorite memories through several stages in my life. For instance, some days I listen to music that reminds me of being a silly high school girl that was so obsessed with finding the love of my life, not even realizing I was way too young for that. Reminiscing Saturdays at Easton or Polaris mall with my girls talking about life, window shopping, and eating Five Guys or Sbarros at the food court. All of my hotel birthday parties where we partied at the pool and then had pizza and ice cream after. Some birthdays we went to the mall too; although my absolute favorite party was the year my crush surprised me and showed up :). All of the lunches chillin in the courtyard talking to everyone, playing with chalk, walking around holding hands with Shannon, and doing whatever I could to make everyone laugh. The fun dances, sleepovers, etc. Just being young without a care in the world! Having a best guyfriend who helped me begin to see my worth and quit worrying about the losers I had crushes on. Everyone thought we were dating, but we were just friends (he had a gf lol). He made the best gym partner because I honestly hated gym class because of my sport induced asthma, but he encouraged me. Every day. Every day he told me I was a beautiful, amazing girl who could do anything I put my mind to. I will never forget him.

I love to think back on my college days too, which I loved even more than my high school days. Going away to college was such a big step for someone like me, who used to be really shy. But I was blessed to have one of my besties Vikki be one of my roommates freshman year at the Convo. We had two other roommates and they were awesome. It was like living with three awesome sisters. We all were so calm and chill. We got along well, and we all have unique personalities with one thing in common : we all were easy going. Shannon was the party girl, but she respected that we weren’t always up to partying, so she would party elsewhere. Katelynn was the mom and the one who loved doing homework. When any of us got sick, she would do whatever she could to keep us healthy. Back before I was ever diagnosed with anxiety disorder and epilepsy, I definitely had some weird phenomenons happen to me. Sometimes I would get really scared and feel weird. I would blank out a bit. She played calming music for us and Shannon (a different one from high school btw) would tell me a story to take my mind off of whatever was going on. And ofcourse Vikki was always down for anything (like she still is). We had dinner together every night with our other friends like Ali and then we would have dance parties. Ali and I were inseparable. When we weren't in class or doing homework, we were hanging out. We went to Bible study together, ate dinner together all the time, she came to meet my family one weekend and I showed her the cool malls in Columbus. We stayed up late talking about life during fall retreat.  Later in the year I met my bestie Sarah and would stay over the AIA house all of the time before I actually lived there because I got a set of roommates that spring quarter that did not like me (and Vikki couldn’t return for winter or spring quarter). I met Sarah because I got to spend the night at the AIA house after the end of the spring break mission trip I went on to Panama City Beach Florida. That mission trip changed my life for the better because it really taught me the importance of spending time daily with Jesus, and getting into the word. Plus I met one of my best friends Brandy on the trip, and I saw God work in miraculous ways.

The rest of spring quarter we had late movie nights almost every night sharing Papa Johns pizza and doing each others nails. One of my favorite nights was the night we decided to be like kids again catching lightning bugs on college green. Or the day we went to the craft festival on south green, painted some flower pots, and then road in the back of Sarah’s ex’s pickup truck over to a bonfire at some Christian leaders home. It was fun sitting back with Rachel and Joe, hanging on for dear life while we road up and down some hills, the late spring air blowing through our hair haha. Honestly I can’t choose a favorite memory of my first year at OU because it simply was amazing. Sophomore year started good but was challenging for both Sarah and I because as you know from other blog posts, we had bad breakups and realized we both had been in abusive relationships. But we persevered because God is good, and look at where we are now. Junior year flew by, and it was the first year I worked at Alden Library. At the end of my first shift, I said hello to my now husband, but I didn’t know we would date until a few weeks later. He helped me pass that stupid computer science class I decided to take (I don’t know why I did, other than it was part of God’s plan for me to get to know my future hubby) because his major was computer science. My senior year I got my first dog Luke Bryan and met another one of my best friends, Kristin, who happened to be one of two apartment roommates I didn’t know prior to moving in. We instantly clicked and just would talk for hours after work and classes, while playing with Luke. Oh and I introduced her to her now husband. I planned a few special game nights to get them to see they were perfect for each other and it worked ;) woo. Legend has it to this day we still get together once or twice a year for a few days of board game playing lol.

I balanced a lot my senior year, from work to classes, to my relationship, and Bible study/ event organizing for it, but it was my other favorite year. I met some more awesome friends (like Brittany and Melinda), and it was then I realized Journalism wasn’t exactly the career path I wanted, but a step in the right direction. We had many dinner dates at Bdubs and my friends know what I order by heart now. We had great times just hanging out. We had a great time once again on the mission trip. It was fun watching Luke grow. Every Night I loved to walk him around the hill I lived on, taking in the breathtaking view of the stars above. Toward the end of the year I joined Kappa Phi, a Christian sorority group and made some more memories. Graduating was amazing but bittersweet because that meant not seeing all of my friends all of the time. But you know, years later we all keep in touch and make time to visit, so everything all works out in the end.

Grad school flew by. I spent the first year of it planning my wedding. Oh the bachelorette weekend trip was so much fun. Of course the highlight of it was going to the waterpark with my girlies haha(if anyone knows me, they know how much I love waterparks and swimming). June 24th 2016 was the best day of my life. Everything was perfect. The sun was out, all of the blue and purple flowers and seashell decor looked perfect. I was surrounded by everyone who mattered the most. My bridesmaids, friends, and family all helped Robbie and I feel extra special. Everything was just perfect. We went to Disney World for our honeymoon :) <3 and stayed at an awesome resort. We learned slowly how to be a married couple and before long it was like we were married our whole lives. We have been married almost 4 years now and boy it’s been nothing short of amazing. We have shared countless memories together, as well as some very hard times. Job loss, my dad having his second stroke, deaths, losing Luke to kidney disease, losing another dog a year later because she had an underlying condition when I bought her a few months after Luke’s passing. Finding out about chronic illnesses I never knew or thought I would had. But you know, it made us stronger and now we feel we can take on anything. We know we are so blessed to be where we are now in life, with a home and a few fur babies, so everyday together is a day we cherish. Especially right now. Every moment together is a blessing because we never know when we will take our last breath. While some are getting sick of their spouses or such, we are just fine and content.

It’s times like we are in now that make me realize how precious the small things are. How precious any time spent with family and friends is. How great it is to be able to go out to restaurants, stores, travel, work, etc. I don’t want to ever take for granted these things again. While it will be a while before I get to experience those again, I know one day this will all be a memory and things will get back to normal. What helps me cope, and what I think will help all of you cope, is to remember all the good memories you’ve had in life. Reminisce on some of your favorite memories. Have fun thinking about how you’ve grown as a person over the years, and how much fun you’ve had at each stage of life. Also think about some of the hardest things you’ve gone through in life, and how you have overcome those challenges. If God could pull you through that, he can get you through this. God is good and he has the whole world in his hands. Stay strong friends. I will have parts two and three soon. In the meantime, here is some scripture to encourage you and remind you of God’s promise that anything we go through in this current life is temporary. If we believe Jesus is our Lord and Savior, our future is bright. We will have eternity with Him worshiping Him and enjoying the earth restored to perfection, like it was meant to be before man sinned. Happy Good Friday everyone! May we remember today as the day Jesus died on the cross for us to be able to have salvation and a relationship with God. Glory be to Jesus!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV


Here are some high school pics, followed by some college pics, and a pic of hubby and I <3

Shannon and I were each other Valentines that year

summer luau party my senior year of HS

Vikki, Destiny, and I sophomore year of HS

Shannon, me, Katie, and Allie my junior year of HS trying on dresses

My first OU blackout football game

Ali and I being silly

my 21rst birthday trip

Bachlorette waterpark fun 

hubby and I after we said I do <3