It shall be

There are plenty of times in life where I look back and wonder why things happened the way they did. Why did that person walk out of my life? Why did I end up with chronic illnesses? Why did one of my favorite uncles die so young? All of us have questions as to why certain life circumstances occurred, or why things are they way they are currently. I am a very analytical, deep thinker, so I often find myself reliving memories from days ago, weeks ago, and yes even 7-10 years ago. I also wonder why some people we meet become close friends for life, while some people stop loving us, or just ghost us.

I have some amazing best friends who I know will be my friends for life and I am thankful for them. The friendships have a healthy dynamic of both parties edifying and building the other up. We also each have great memories that I am grateful for. However, there are some close friendships I have had that I have lost over the years. The one that comes to mind is my best friend my sophomore and junior year of high school. She and I did everything together, texted each other every day and night, hung out together every weekend. We were always so silly when out with our other friends and we told everyone we were engaged just because. I helped her through a hard time with losing her mother and she always made me feel great by making me laugh each day. I thought our friendship was one that would last through the ages, but alas, a small disagreement led her to never speak to me again. And I mean to this day she will talk to everyone else from our circle, but me. I wish I knew what I did so wrong. It's been almost 10 years and I still think about it periodically. It was so nice to have a #1 best friend because everyone else I knew had their #1 best friend and I had finally had one too. I still don’t have a #1 best friend, but I have a few friends who are collectively my best friends and I am blessed with that.

In college for a few months I had another #1 bestie, but distance has made it hard to be as close as we once were. At least we are on good terms and we can always reflect on all the dance parties we had with our other friends, our late night chats at my first fall retreat my freshman year, and all the time we spent together just having fun. Summer 2018 I met someone who I thought was going to be a new best friend of mine. She is literally perfect and so smart. I admire how much she loves her job, how beautiful she is, and her charming outgoing personality. I found myself nervous around her at times, which is rare because I am pretty much a people person. But I just wanted badly to be best friends because I felt like we had a lot in common. I just felt a special connection that I usually feel when someone will be a good friend. Unfortunately, I don’t think I ended up being what she wanted in a bestie and/or she already had friends that took that place. So I have stopped trying to find a #1 best friend so much because I believe what is meant to be will be. If someone is meant to be my best friend, God will let it happen. It is so easy for me to jump at opportunities, but I often forget to take a step back and ask God about it. I am a work in progress, but I am working on making sure I run every decision by him. After all, He knows what is best for us.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. The Lord works out everything to its proper end— even the wicked for a day of disaster. Proverbs 16:3-4 NIV

Something else I wonder why is why my grandmother on my dad’s side had to die when I was so young. She was such an amazing woman of God, so gentle, so beautiful inside and out. My Uncle Steve was the funniest man I ever knew and was always very supportive of me. He was a great father, uncle, brother, and friend to many. I feel his time on earth was so short, but I know that I cannot see the bigger picture like God can, so I know there is a purpose in everything. Luke’s short lived life is something I always ponder too, and Mimis. Thankfully, Heaven will be a great reunion and we will all serve our Lord Jesus and God together forever. I often find myself wondering why I had to have epilepsy, PCOS, sensory processing disorder, and chronic migraines. If I didn’t have those illnesses I feel I would already have my dream career and maybe a child or two. Maybe more people would desire me to remain a permanent part of their lives if I were normal? Maybe I would be less of a burden to those who do love me?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 NIV

I could go on and on, but my point of writing this is to share with you some of my experiences because I know I am not alone and many people have similar life questions. Some may also battle with illness, lost loved ones too soon, and/or have had friendships end that you didn’t want to see end. I want you to know you aren’t alone. A lot of people don’t talk about it openly, so I wanted to. I also want to say that while it is normal to wonder why our lives turn out a certain way, it is important to not let it consume or define you. What may seem like a road block today can be an open road tomorrow. God only has the best for those who trust in Jesus as their Lord and Savior. Maybe something we thought was meant for us, wasn’t really meant for us. God can see things we cannot and He won’t withhold any good thing from us. Also as I learn to love myself more, I realize that I need to be less hard on myself. If someone wants to be in my life, they will be. If they don’t, then it is their loss and I will continue to move forward.

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11 NIV
If God could keep my Pomeranian Maui safe for two weeks loose in the country when he ran from my friend, not a scratch or any harm done to him, then God can write a beautiful life story for you. God will provide what you need in your life and who you need in your life. It is easy to compare ourselves to others, but that’s not what he wants. He has the perfect plan for everyone. Some of us are meant to be great leaders. Some of us are meant to have successful careers. Some of us are meant to be mothers. Some of us are called to be childless.  Some of us are called to be mothers later than everyone around us. Some of us are called to be liked by many. Some of us are called to have a smaller group of friends. Whatever it is, God knows what he is doing and he has you exactly where he wants you. Just keep trusting in Him and you won’t be disappointed my friend. God Bless <3