When the pandemic hit last year I tried my best to be upbeat and keep it together for everyone around me. I wanted to check on everyone I knew and I texted and called everyone the first few weeks to make sure they were okay. I was also scared because I didn’t want to lose anyone I cared about, and at first my parents, my sister, and I were all on the vulnerable people list due to different health conditions. I was on an adrenaline high for a bit and I knew God was going to provide, but I didn’t account for how it would eventually affect my mental health to be separated for people for so long when I am such an extroverted person who also cares deeply about the well being of everyone I know. It became lonely but I also learned that for the first time in my life I actually couldn’t find my way out of a situation. I had to fully rely on God and let Jesus carry us. It was freeing although it was a test of faith because I never realized how much I tried to be in control of my life even as a Christ believer. As a Christ believer we know Christ knows what is best and has a plan, so I had to learn to surrender to Him again. Once I did I felt calm and was able to focus on learning watercolor painting, enjoying sitting outside again and just enjoying quiet and a slower pace. It was nice, plus texting some people more often than I normally would felt nice too, despite it not being as good as face to face.
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| Way pre Pandemic back when I had my Bachelorette party. It was pretty fun but also not anything crazy this was May 2016 Kristin is across from me. |
It wasn’t until that Summer that I hit my lowest point since losing my favorite uncle and my first dog Luke. When all the racial injustice was going on I was trying to speak up as someone who is Biracial to help support the Black community, I wrote a blogpost about my experiences with racism including one that was dangerous in hopes to share just how serious it is. But I was shocked by some of the criticism I received by people I knew...worse I was shocked to realize one of my close friends since high school wanted to disown me as a friend once I shared my post. I couldn’t understand why because I did nothing wrong but apparently me sharing my truth was tearing people apart in her eyes. Later on I found out the truth...she didn’t like that I wasn’t fully white. And a lot of other people on my Facebook began showing their “true” colors.
It was then between that and all of the violence that I began to think I was better off dead than alive. I began silently contemplating how much better my husband would be with one of my other friends who was still single if I left him behind and how a lot of my family wouldn’t care if I disappeared anyways. One of my best friends, whom I am going to see in a few days after two years (we live a few states apart after college), noticed I wasn’t my normal positive self and she was concerned for my health when she saw all the attacks I was getting. She told me to go to therapy again. I hesitated at first though. My husband noticed things were off too when I snapped at him for the slightest things and was silent a lot of the time. I became obsessed with wanting to get even with people who were doing such evil things in the world and I lost track of my value in Christ and also that vengeance is His. But He made sure I didn’t harm myself. I came across someone I knew at the car shop who said he read my blogs and that I was the only nice Christian he ever met and that is why he kept my card I gave him with the link on it. He told me he reads them all. He also told me that no matter what happens in life he hoped I knew things would always work out and that I meant a lot to him. Then a few days after that I met someone at my complex pool (safely socially distancing) who was a therapist herself. She knew that I had been around narcissistic and abusive people in my life when I just talked a little bit about my Anxiety and Depression. I forget how it came up because that wasn’t what we were first talking about. But she was a Christian herself and she was like “looks like God wanted us to meet today because we needed to talk.” She said I was blessed by God because I was able to be freed away from some of the abusive relationships I had been in way sooner than some others (like herself) were. She said the fact that God showed me the truth and a way out meant He had a big plan and that He was going to use me in big ways. I was shocked because I was told the same thing two years before by someone else special to me. So it was a reminder that I needed to keep living because I have a story to tell and I have people I still need to meet and get to know. God has work for me to do still. It may not be what I imagined but it is better than I imagined because it was eternal impact.
For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 ESV
Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6 ESV
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| My joy Milky Way aka Mikki my service dog and best friend |
God’s plan continued a couple months later in October 2020 as I sat in the Hospital bed getting tests done to see if they can capture what types of Epileptic seizures I have. Since I was not allowed to do anything all day, I decided to try out another show besides The Young and Restless: Hello Bold and Beautiful. The craziest storyline was going on with the character Thomas; he was looking like he was losing his mind talking to a mannequin. I Thought I was going to hate the show, but I ended up liking it. I also began meeting people on Twitter who loved the show and helped me find older episodes so that I could learn the history and more about each character. I already had begun making some friends from The Young and Restless, but this was a little different. From October to January I watched so many episodes of the show I can’t even tell you how much time I spent glued to the TV when I usually am not a homebody. But what I can say is I made many friends on Twitter as we tweeted about the show; and we didn’t just tweet about the show. We ended up getting to know each other and being there for each other when we needed it. I am talking “real” friends that I ended up getting to know about their lives and sharing my life with them too. I often share special memories from college and life in general with them and we sometimes spend hours talking each day. Along with talking about the show and life, God has blessed me with the opportunity to share my blogs with people I have met and touch their lives. I have been able to connect with people who have gone through similar situations through me, and offer hope to people who have never heard of Christ before. I can pray for people I get close to and I have made friends who I never would have made otherwise if it weren’t for the pandemic and me finding these shows. Some of these friends are from other states and even other countries. Some people I met were also going through some dark times and at their lowest points and feeling suicidal, and I felt led to share my testimony of how Jesus saved me from that lowest point and how He can save them too. I can’t tell you the joy I have felt when people have told me the words I have written have been exactly what they needed to hear. It just confirms that God is always right and that everything we go through is for a purpose and He will use it for good. I don’t like going through any pain, but I will gladly walk through fire if it means a soul being saved. I want others to see the love of Jesus in me. I want others to see that I am nowhere near perfect and what keeps me going and living is Jesus and that same love and salvation is available to all who want it. All who are willing to accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior.
The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps. Proverbs 16:9 ESV
Sometimes I get really nervous putting all of my raw emotions and life out in the open for all to see, but I know it is what God wants me to do and I love to help others and relate to you all so I do it with joy. Back in 2019 I shared my blogs with an actress from Jane the Virgin, Yael Grogblas, who played Petra, and she read a few of my blogs and replied to a few of my tweets. So I decided to be brave again and tweet/ Instagram some of my favorite actors and actresses from Bold and Beautiful and Young and Restless my blogs and also words of encouragement. I figured if my blogs can be a blessing to other people I come across, then perhaps they can also bless them as well. And I believe they already have. You see, I have sent some of mine on Anxiety and Depression to Annika Noelle who also struggles with Anxiety when she asked fans what helps us cope with Anxiety and she read my post. I want to encourage and show love to everyone I come across, famous or not. I adore the cast of Bold and Beautiful and I hope to meet them next year at their fan event. I can already tell I would be good friends with a lot of them. Jacqui and Annika are two of my favorites. Jacqui is always dancing around and she is a free spirit. We would definitely have a good time as two extroverts chatting it up and having a dance party. Annika and I would cuddle with our fluffy dogs and chill. As for my favorite Young and Restless actress, Sharon and I tweet pretty often and she is perfectly cool with me calling her bestie lol. She loves it when I send her my blogs and pics of my dogs. Even if I never get to meet these people, I pray they have blessed happy lives full of love and joy. And I want to show them and anyone I come across what Christians are truly meant to be like, full of love. I want them to see Jesus in me. My hope is also for them to want Jesus to be their Lord and Savior one day. But I also don’t pressure anyone because that is a decision each person must make for themselves and also when they are ready.
Even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will. Ephesians 1:4-5 ESV
I forgot a big reason why I have probably been feeling like I am not doing enough is because I actually did face a loss and life change and I didn’t even give myself time to process it. I did have two jobs, the one I have had for several years as a home health aide, my fulltime job, and my part time online teaching job. Well, in the end of December was the last time I would teach my students from China. I found out right after Christmas because the company was going Bankrupt due to Covid. It was really unfortunate because I loved my students so much. They were “my kids.” I looked forward to seeing them grow and learn English and I enjoyed the bond we developed. Some of them loved to show me their toys, while others would have conversations about their culture with me. One girl even told me one day that she had a crush on me haha. I had different levels so some students barely knew any English and some were able to hold conversations well. I had to get up very early in the morning since Beijing, China is 12 hours ahead of my time zone. This incredible experience made me feel certain that I wanted to pursue becoming a college professor eventually which was my original end goal, as I already have my Bachelor’s in Journalism and Masters in Organizational Communication, and teaching comes naturally to me. I just need my PhD and some more experience. However, I often find myself wondering what exactly I want to do long term. College Professor is definitely one of my favorite options as I have always loved education. However, writing is also my passion, as well as helping others. My Masters opens the door to a lot of options and now that the pandemic is finally starting to clear, I hope to start figuring out what to do. In the meantime, I have to be patient. When I pray, God tells me to wait. I am not used to waiting, so it is definitely a new phenomenon for me haha. I am used to chaos and trials and tribulations going on in my life, or either working super hard full tilt. But I am not used to things kind of being chill like they have been, aside from my several migraines I have each week.
When my husband Robbie and I joined our new church this past summer, I was eager to find a way to serve a few weeks in. I remember vividly asking pastor Todd what area he thought we should each serve in and when we should start. At my old church, the one I grew up in, they wanted us to serve constantly and were let down when my health got bad and I couldn’t greet as often as I wanted to. So I wanted to serve God at this new church even if it meant sometimes putting up with pain and I was ready to serve ASAP. However, Todd gently told us that we should just focus on getting to know people at the church and wait a while. He said there would always be ways to serve, but there was no need to rush. I was shocked because I was always pushed to do, do, do. But for once even a pastor told me to wait and take it slow, so we listened. God once again told me to wait. Waiting isn’t easy because I want to push ahead so badly. But I also know that God is working each detail out of my life and that I need to enjoy the here and now. And I have been. While I haven’t had my second job I have been able to get more rest since my migraines are still bad, even though my seizures have decreased. I have also been connecting with all of you and making great friends, as well as cuddling on my days off from work with my wonderful dogs and hubby. I know God is good and I can trust in Him, so I will patiently wait. If you are in a period where things seem stagnant, hang tight. God is working still and He wants you to enjoy the moment and where you are at right now. If you aren’t a believer in Christ, all it takes is a moment to ensure that you will have eternal salvation and a connection to God that starts now. You just have to ask Jesus to come into your heart, that you believe He is Lord and you want Him to be your savior and to please forgive you of your sins. If you believe that when you pray, you are saved. I hope to see you in Heaven one day if not before then <3 I love you all. I hope you have a wonderful week this coming week. I am looking forward to it because I finally see my friend Kristin after so long and I get to go to the BEACH as long as it doesn’t rain with all of my dogs for my birthday :) xoxo
And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 ESV
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| Another pic from my Bachelorette weekend way back haha. If you meet me in person and become my friend I will drag you to the pool or beach at one point just count on it :) |
