One breath at a time

                                                                                   

                         

Hi everyone, I hope you all are doing well. It has been a while since I last blogged and I just wanted to share what God has been doing in my life and be honest about the fact that even with the good that happened to me in 2020, this continued pandemic makes life still a struggle; but that is okay. I have continued to grow in my faith at my new church and that has been wonderful. I love having a pastor that really gets into the Word of God and helps us apply it to our lives. The most recent series we have begun is one on having the heart of prayer. At first I thought oh this is a no brainer I love to pray and I do this all the time. But like all of us, we think we know it all when we only know a piece of the puzzle. I realized that I really haven’t been praying as often as I should be and I have been putting other things in my life as more important than Jesus. Also, my pastor mentioned being able to listen to what God has to say to us instead of us just speaking our requests and praises to him. You see, I have in the past had very deep meaningful conversations with God where I have listened for a long time, but I was a lot younger...and this got me thinking...why have I stopped this? 

It isn’t God who stopped wanting to pursue me as this summer I learned He would do anything to prevent me from taking my life when depression put my mind in a place it had never been in before. I believe a lot of it has to do with the devil knowing exactly what to use to distract us, and us tricking ourselves into thinking we will put off prayer until the end of the day...but then it ends up being short or we fall asleep. We are always fighting our fleshly desires because it’s a battle between the spirit and flesh. I have bad anxiety so my mind is always filled with 1,000 thoughts a second. I am hoping that as I relearn to pray more often again and also listen more instead of just talking (and trust me I am a talker in general but I have become a good listener to my friends) that I will be able to hear God more, my anxious thoughts less, and be able to surrender better to his will for my life. I hope this helps you too. You don’t have to start big, just start a few minutes a day and you can work your way up, asking God to help you and he will :) 

                                  

On another note, I still struggle with being impatient with where I am in life when it comes to my chronic illnesses and where I want to be career wise. I am so ready to use my Master’s degree and do something meaningful with my life. I feel so insignificant when I have to reschedule one of my two jobs several times a week because I have debilitating migraines or have a seizure. I am thankful for my jobs, very much so. But I just feel like I need to have it together already at 27. I know I have talked about this before and I know God has a purpose in everything and that a job is not what gives someone purpose in life. But it is connecting with people that I desire so deeply and even more so, helping others. Oddly enough despite the way life has ended up so far, God has set up divine appointments where I have met people I never would have otherwise met and I have had life changing conversations with them. This summer I met people who needed to hear what I said about Jesus as much as I needed to hear what they had to say to me about not giving up on life when I was convinced there was no reason left for me to live. And I have made friends everywhere I go. My best friends are my college friends plus my big sister I made from that blogging Facebook group. She’s 51 and i’m 27 and we both have chronic illnesses.. Both are Christians and both are a lot alike. I am so thankful for her in my life. 

I have other blogs where I talk more about how it was God who led us to meet because I needed someone to help me with a situation I had no idea I was in that she had been through.. Narcissism is a keyword here. But I also have some friends I have made from being restaurant regulars (covid messed that up but we still keep in touch) and now it looks like I am making some good friends bonding over my favorite TV online. And I shoot for the stars so just like I said I wanted to be friends with Yael Grobglas one day, the same stands for my favorite actress Sharon Case and her lovely boyfriend Mark Grossman, another lovely actor. We both love Sade the artist so there is a connection already. She is so much fun and does meet and greet events such as OpportuniTea which as contributed to good organizations such as March for Dimes in Canada-- which helps people acquire independence from debilitating physical disabilities. 

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6 NIV

I had a hospital stay a few weeks ago to try and capture seizure activity and of course the whole five days I had not a single seizure...bummer because my neurologist wanted to learn what part of the brain they stem from. But, we found out I have something else that goes on called essential myoclonus and my seizure meds help with it otherwise I am constantly having body jerks and spasms. When they took me off of that medication I thought I was going to lose my mind because of the intensity and pain I felt (they took me off of all medications trying to induce a seizure while I was there). All it did was make me an emotional wreck, but I enjoyed talking to the EMU techs who had to keep coming in to fix the electrodes on my scalp since my thick hair kept making them come off. One woman and I instantly bonded over her talking about having endometriosis and I mentioning that I have PCOS and all this other stuff. When she left she asked did I need anything else. I said no and she was like, are you sure? I was like yeah why do you ask, and she said I looked like I wanted something from her but was afraid to ask. I felt myself blush because I didn’t realize it was that obvious I wished she was my friend haha. Usually I am much harder to read. I should have asked for her # when I was discharged because she was cool.

My entire stay made me grateful that I am able to do things for myself and that I should count my blessings. It made me so happy that I have a husband who was willing to take care of all the dogs while I was there without complaint because he said they kept barking and having accidents in their crates because they missed me. And because he is the best husband ever he cleaned them up, video chatted them to me, and brought me yummy food every day and brought my service dog to me each day too (she wasn’t allowed to stay overnight per hospital protocol). I am so thankful for Robbie because he drives me everywhere since I cannot and he loves me despite these illnesses that were not there when we first dated and got engaged/ even married. My first seizure presented itself a month before we were married but I didn’t know it was a seizure until a year later. My chronic migraines began two months into our marriages and the first one was ocular only, so I was terrified at the visual show I was seeing to say the least. That was like two weeks after my dad had a stroke so I was like dear goodness please tell me I am not going insane! Thankfully I wasn’t. But migraine auras are scary.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39 NLT

Back to now, I get discouraged when I see covid #’s rising again and things having to be locked down again. I understand why and I want safety, so that’s not what I am implying here. It’s just I worry about people I care about and even people I don’t...and I also miss people I haven’t seen in forever. It’ll be two years in April since I was supposed to see my bestie Kristin. We see each other once a year usually since she moved to another state. It is usually my birthday gift to me to travel plus chillen with her and her hubby and my hubby and all of our dogs. I suppose for now we need to set up a phone call soon. Ya know it’s crazy we were roommates my senior year of college at Ohio University and then we became best friends. She is so chill and I am too but she is an introvert who likes to have fun and I am an extrovert who doesn’t go too crazy lol. I learned quickly she is a ride or die for me and I am the same for her. Many memories of us sharing those Athens exclusive champagne slushies at Broney’s and then just hanging out talking about life. Blasting the music on car rides to the grocery store together. When my puppy Luke got sick and flea medicine caused him to have a seizure, I didn’t have any cash on me for gas $ for my now hubby’s car that night and she tossed money at me and said go rush him to the emergency vet. I was crying my eyes out hysterical and she was like I’ll clean up all the dog throw up. When she had boy problems and some dude was a jerk to her I was about to beat him up but...then I introduced her to a guy friend of mine and they are married now. Ahh I can’t believe that was so long ago. I think for all of us to get through this pandemic we need to reflect on good memories and what we have to look forward to. If we think about what we have to look forward to, we can be safe and we can know it won’t last forever.

Furthermore, if we put on focus on Jesus and remember he is in control, it’ll be okay. I have to continually renew my mind and remember that I can cry out and pray to Jesus whenever and he is always there to listen. When I am worried about my family members getting covid, I can pray that God protects them. You can do the same. If we are worried about politics, or finances, or when will this ever be over, we can give it all to Jesus. We weren’t called to carry this all on our own. We just surrender it to Jesus and ask him to give us peace and guide our steps. For me it has literally had to be a moment by moment thing. I am nowhere near where I want to be in my walk with Christ. One min I am like yes I am making progress, the next I feel like I went back 10 steps. But the thing is it’s a journey and God is patient with us. We just have to keep getting up. And take things one breath at a time. I am my own worst critic, my therapist said that’s where a lot of my problems stem. I am betting you are probably your own worst critic too. We don’t have to be. Jesus sees us through loving us. When we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, even when we mess up, he sees us as righteous and with love, not with anger.

The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 NIV

So we need to give ourselves some grace and stay in the race. If you haven’t already asked Jesus into your heart to be saved, I hope you would consider it. All it takes is believing Jesus is Lord of all and that you need a Savior. Just telling him that you are sorry for sinning and you want to be saved. After that your life will be forever changed. I look forward to seeing you in heaven on day <3. God bless.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Ephesians 2:4-5 NIV


If would like to see my blog on how 2020 became a year of restoration for me you can check it out here: 

https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/10/2020-year-of-restoration-after-almost.html


Also here is the link to my main blog: https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/

2020 A year of restoration after almost breaking me

                                    
    
2020 has been one of the craziest, hardest, most unpredictable years of any of our lives, at least for me. I started off with my optimistic I can get through this attitude because that is my default mode whenever something crazy comes into my life. My default mode, which isn’t correct… is to rely on my own strength… to prove how well I can manage all of the challenges thrown my way without the slightest wince because I want to show how well put together I am. I don’t like people to see me as that anxious girl, depressed girl, that girl with all of those health problems, or the “burden” when my “job” is to help and be their for everyone else. I love love LOVE encouraging everyone else and helping them through whatever difficulties in life they’re going through. We are called to love one another and I’d like to think I do that well. But, I learned this year that there is a huge flaw to how I operate as a Christian. I pray, ask God to guide me, and I show his love to others, but there was something I was missing. I was doing things on my own. If I got things right I was like yes God is so happy with me right now and whenever I messed up, I would be sad for days...because surely God was mad at me and still mad at me. I was going off of my strength and what I WAS DOING FOR GOD instead of letting HIM WORK THROUGH ME and that is a BIG mistake a lot of us make and it really robs us of a lot of things from peace to joy, freedom in Christ, etc. I’ll share more in a bit. But for now I will share how running on my own strength led to me falling into my deepest darkest moments of depression I have ever faced. And YES Christians can AND do struggle with Depression. It’s okay and there is hope for both the believer and non believer.

As Covid and the lockdowns continued on and on it felt never ending, but I tried my best to keep my eyes on the bigger picture remembering that Christ is in control and that it won’t last forever. But I won’t lie, I begin to feel very lonely and scared. I am part of the vulnerable population as is my sister, mother, and father. Hearing how scary the virus is and how deadly it can be was terrifying. Trying my best not to live in fear I would cry out to God and pray for the world as I saw deaths go up in Italy and France, and then eventually the US. Then I began to feel disconnected from people I knew when I saw some people call the entire virus a hoax and make fun of people who wore masks, even when it was mandated by the government. I saw other Christians making fun of believers and non-believers and I was so confused at the division and hatred I was seeing and my heart was so heavy because I don’t like division. I like peace and love. I especially don’t like seeing anyone who calls themselves a believer intentionally being mean to someone else. By June when there were several killings of Black people… so I spoke about it and I shared instances over the years I have experienced racism (I’m Biracial), such as a situation where a man pointed his bow and arrow at me for walking my dogs in my former neighborhood of Westerville, Ohio. I was so disheartened when people I cared about told me my experiences didn’t matter. And even worse, I had a friend disown me because I said we should have compassion toward the Black community during the racial tension time because racism unfortunately still exists. Some people began posting very racial things on my Facebook and I lost a few other people I thought were my friends. That is when I began to really question why I was still on this earth. Because I was losing friends like crazy, no one was listening to anyone, there was hatred everywhere, I was just like what was the point.

I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years now, but that was the first point I was actually contemplating thinking of taking my life. I was just thinking of how and when. I was convinced anyone who still talked to me was only doing so out of obligation because they wanted to be a “nice” Christian and that I annoyed them. After all I was just a mixed girl who didn’t belong anywhere in this world and I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, anxiety, depression. What a mess right? I thought God was done with me. So for a few weeks I would secretly think of who my husband could love if I were gone. How I could cut ties with my best friends without them knowing what I was up to. But, at my lowest God had a PLAN. He ALWAYS DOES for all of us!

Somehow despite me wanting to push everyone away, I felt compelled to reach out to a few of my best friends and text them a lot. I eventually told them a bit of how I was feeling, trying not to divulge everything. One of them picked up on signs and said I needed to start seeing a therapist ASAP and my husband also picked up the signs and made me tell him what was wrong. So I agreed, nervously as it had been two years since I had seen one. The other one I was afraid of how she would react because I had never shared so much of my struggles with her. I mean I have but not like that much at once. And I was sure she would dump me as a friend because that’s what most people do when they realize I’m not perfect and I also have struggles. But...she was so empathetic (which I already knew about her because that’s what I always admired about her from the second I laid eyes on her in college. Yes I can know everything I need to know about someone within a few seconds of meeting them thanks to the gift of Discernment (Thanks Holy Spirit :) ) and she gave me the best Biblical advice. And God used her to give my husband Robbie and I a huge answer to a prayer we have been praying for years. Right before I began seeing my new therapist, her church began a series on Mental Health and she said she thought I might be interested, so she sent me the link to the sermon. Well, her pastor is a counselor and Christian who also has struggled with Mental Health and lost his sister when he was a teenager to suicide, so he definitely knows the importance of mental health. He doesn’t judge the way many churches have wrongly been taught...and he shared how many people in the Bible dealt with and suffered from mental illness. I will share a few examples here:


Therefore now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live. Jonah 4:3 NIV 

When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb. 2 Samuel 17:23 NIV


                       

It was such of a breath of fresh air hearing a pastor share the truth that there is hope when we experience this and that God isn’t mad at us for this. Rather he wants to comfort us and heal us. But in the fallen world we will experience mental illness just like regular illness until Jesus returns. The beautiful thing is that God gives us doctors to help, medicine, friends and family, and BEST of all he is always there to comfort us with his TRUTH (his Word) and Holy Spirit. After the online sermon Robbie and I had to see check out the church in person and we fell in love with it. After the series finished we realized it was the church we have been praying for. It teaches from the Bible, no false doctrines or false movements that many churches have fallen prey to. Right now we are learning about how the Bible passes the test of being a true book for one who is an unbeliever and may be a skeptic, and we are also learning about false doctrines that arose right after the church began, such as the gnostics and the first cults. Why does this matter? Because these false teachings are STILL indoctrinating are churches today. Like the teachings of Judaizers, which puts us under the law. It makes one believe that their salvation can be lost and that their works are what saves them. Sometimes I didn’t realize I was falling into this by punishing myself whenever I would fail. My new church teaches the TRUTH that our hope is in CHRIST alone and that rather than us doing something for Christ...we are to surrender each day to Jesus and let HIM work through us. We are the vessel and HE does the work. It’s not about us because we are flawed. We just have to be willing. And we have freedom to get back up whenever we mess up. And because we all are flawled there are no pedestals. No putting people above others. We are all equal and all able to serve. We are no better than the non-believer, we just have a hope. And our job is to share that Hope in LOVE. Christ’s gift of salvation is free to anyone. How you get it is by humbling yourself and recognizing you are a sinner and that you need a savior. So you pray to Jesus asking him to be your Savior and to cleanse you of your sins and he will take care of the rest. He will guide you where you need to be from there because He has the perfect plan. And with so much uncertainty right now Jesus could be coming back anytime now and I want you to come with me so my hope and prayer is that you accept Jesus tonight so that I can see you in Heaven with me :)

                                

Since I have been going to therapy and going to my new church I have been finally growing again because I realize it’s about me surrendering to Christ and I don’t need to be a perfectionist. I am okay to make mistakes. And God will use me where I am even with my uncontrolled seizures, chronic migraines, anxiety, and depression. I am coming to terms with some things in my past too such learning where my lack of self love stemmed from, which goes back from when I was much younger, and loving myself as I am. I am learning to not care about the opinions of others or who I make angry as long as I am treating others well and choosing to live according to Christ. This year I learned who my true friends are, and they are a lot fewer than who I actually thought. But I know they love me to the ends of the earth and back just like I love them the same way and I am so thankful. I am so glad I have them and I am so excited for my new opportunity to grow at my new church. And when I thought God couldn’t use me because my chronic illnesses are still so bad, he has. I have been able to share about the wonderful messages my church has been teaching with several people recently. Some from my old church. Some are online friends from Canada hehe. God is still working on me, I am still having to surrender each day and right now several times a day as I am very anxious about what happens the next few weeks. Honestly I am scared whatever the outcome is because of the division I have seen. But I am reminding myself that God is still on the throne. I pray that you are blessed and that you are having a wonderful week <3. Remember 2020 still isn’t over yet, you can still end it strong!


Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 NIV

For we live by faith, not by sight 2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Psalm 23: 5-6 NIV

Being Okay With The Present

                      

I am someone who is a planner, always looking to the future. I have goals, ambition, dreams, drive. I want to build a good career, I want to be a good leader and help others in their walk with the Lord. I want to be the best wife, friend, sister, and daughter possible, and dog mom. I love to plan fun things to do with my friends and vacations. I also like to think ahead to the future. I enjoy each day, but I am always looking to how I can improve the lives of those around me. How can I be a better friend? How can I improve the relationship? How can I overcome my disabilities (epilepsy, chronic migraines, anxiety..)?. How can I put my degrees to best use? How can I please God? I get excited knowing the future is bright and that is what I look forward to each morning...and those are good things don’t get me wrong. BUT… I have a problem oftentimes living in the MOMENT and accepting where things are currently at. I sometimes miss out on my current blessings, or I actually add to my stress and anxiety without realizing it because I am creating unrealistic expectations. There were some things I didn’t even know I was doing that was impacting my mental health as well as my spiritual walk with the Lord and just my life in general until I joined my bestie M and her hubby at their church for a new series their pastor was doing on mental health. I never had a pastor cover the topic before and Robbie and I were amazed at how well he did the first two sermons, that we kept coming back. We both have mental health conditions, he has Major Depressive Disorder and I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder along with mild to moderate depression. We have been misunderstood most of our lives and also told inappropriate things in regards to our health, even by Christians, so it was quite refreshing to have a pastor demonstrate how the Bible has many instances of people who suffer from mental conditions and how God cares for them.


My new (new to me and Robbie) pastor has continued to do a wonderful job with the series and is about to wrap up. Each sermon has spoken to me and taught me something/ a better way to handle my own disorders/ how to help others and how to see things from God’s perspective. However, the one that has spoke to me the most was the one on Stress. You see, stress itself isn’t a mental illness...but it often accompanies one and it is very taxing on the body. And my pastor was certainly correct when he said that it can cause things like stroke, migraines, etc. My dad had his first stroke as a result of increased stress at his workplace and not watching his blood pressure back when I was 12/13. A big trigger for my migraines and seizures is when I am stressed(not my ONLY trigger, I wish though). But a lot of times when I am stressed I don’t even know how to de-escalate my stress or why I am so stressed in the first place...which is why I enjoyed the sermon all the more. Sure there are times when we know exactly when we are stressed, like when we get into a car accident (which happened to a family member of mine this week and thankfully they are okay). Or when we have a deadline to meet. Or for me I am stressed when I feel I can’t say no to someone...or when someone from my past is back to harassing me again along with the entirety of Facebook on their behalf. However, there are plenty of times when we don’t know what really is stressing us out because sometimes we are so used to our stressors that we can’t even recognize the specific stressor. So my pastor helped us identify when we are dealing with stress as well as how to manage it so that we can lead a more peaceful life the way God intended it to be.


The first thing that can lead to stress is something that I myself do way more than I’d like to admit: setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves. So I work two jobs; One is an online teaching job where I teach English to children in China and the other is a Home Health Aide job. All together I usually work 40-45 hours a week. Well with my migraines these past few months I’ve been working closer to 36-40 hours a week because some days I could only do half days or I had to take a day off if I was so sick I could barely function. On those days I would get very upset with myself and I would feel stressed and worthless because I felt I needed to work harder because after all taking care of myself would be lazy, right? It didn’t even occur to me that my body was crying out for a break… which leads me to the next point. If we are stressed our bodies will let us know too. We will get sick more often, we will catch more colds, have more stomach troubles, more aches, etc. It didn’t even dawn on me that someone with chronic illnesses could make them even worse than they already were, but I am now certain I at times have been...aka working against myself..yikes. Sometimes when we are stressed we are too focused on something other than God or we make the stressor BIGGER than God himself so we become consumed with it because we make a giant out of something that God already has in his hands. Trust me, this is something we all do and it’s easy to do. In fact again I do it all too often and it triggers my anxiety and depression too so then I become a ball of fear, sadness, and not wanting to eat or do anything but stare at my phone for hours or find another way to escape. But I find if I escape my feelings it does no good because once I come back to it, it’s still there and I am back to square one. So… rather than escape or pretend it’s not there we have a much healthier and Godlier way to get rid of our stress.


One way we get rid of our stress is we take time to enjoy life and relax. When I heard my pastor say this I’ve thought about all of the times I’ve wrestled with this. I’ve thought I was selfish and sinful if I did things for fun in the past. And I still sometimes feel guilty for just sitting and doing nothing even on my off days. So it is a work in progress. But I have to recognize that He did create us to enjoy life and He did give us passions and interests for a reason. So my love for spending time hiking with my dogs and my hubby, or just walking at the park with them is glorifying Him. And when I desire to connect with my girls and deepen my friendships with them, that is how He made me. We were made for relationships and my bubbly, loving, extroverted personality wants nothing but the best for my precious gems who I call my close friends. I have a hard time loving myself because I was rejected all of my life, but I am learning to love myself more and more each day and how God made me and I hope each of you love yourselves too because you are precious. You were made in his image and each of you are unique. And he made you special with special talents, and desires.


We also can find peace and stress relief when we read God’s Word and his truth and we reflect on his truth. The more we think about his truth and read it, the more we can replace stress and negative thoughts with positive true thoughts. We also can cling to the truth that God has only good for us and that His plan for us is the best plan...way better than we could imagine and way better than a plan we could make for ourselves. Here are some truths God promises us! <3


For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. 1 John 3:1 NIV

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Matthew 11:29 NIV

“I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.” Jeremiah 31:25 NIV


The last few weeks I have been seeing a new therapist who has been helping me with my anxiety and depression, and Robbie and I are thrilled with our new church. We feel like it is a great fit and we're excited to see how God grows us there. As I work through my anxiety and how to better cope with it, I am also working on how to put God first more in my life and to give the reins back to Him. It is so easy for me to have the vision of how my life should look all planned out in my mind and compare my life to others, not in an envious way either, but more in a goal way. Like I should have a career because all of my friends do. And I am less than because I have chronic illnesses they don’t. But this thinking steals joy and it also doesn’t allow God to work properly. Plus it puts stress on me and I feel miserable when I don’t meet another expectation I had put in place. So instead of trying to reach such high goals, I am working on living more in the moment. 2020 has been a crazy year for us all but I have had blessings come out of it too. So I am making sure I count my blessings each day. 

I want to make sure I give thanks to Jesus each day and that I spend my days enjoying time with my dogs, including our newest addition Coco. Having a lot of dogs might sound crazy to some, but to me it is paradise on earth. I also want to cherish those I love more and enjoy the life given to me. I don’t want it to slip away. I have seen first hand this summer how God can use the most unexpected situations to bring about divine meetings and intervention, so I have to remember He is in control and I can trust that, fully. I have already noticed I am at peace more when I am not worrying about tomorrow or the future, but rather thinking about today. Yes I continue to struggle with anxiety because mental illness doesn't just go away. But, I am learning healthy coping mechanisms when I get in a rut where I am spiraling and I can't quit worrying about what someone thinks of me or why someone didn't text me back or why someone got mad at me. And just enjoying the life God has given me and His presence each day gives such a great sense of peace, joy, and purpose that I can't explain in words alone. Yesterday and last night I had some awful seizures all day and night, some I hadn’t had in months even and today I have a very sore leg I can barely walk on. But rather than be sad about it, I am just thankful I am alive. Because before I was diagnosed with epilepsy/ before medication there was a time I stopped breathing in my sleep...and if it weren’t for Mikki and my husband and the grace of God I wouldn’t be alive to type this right now. So I tell you, God is good, always. God bless my friends <3

There's nothing like God's perfect timing

                               

     
Most would say I am pretty level headed when it comes to the decisions I make. One of my friends from college described me as an intuitive extrovert, which she said she had never encountered before, because I always gave much thought before answering questions during our leadership bible study. I enjoy exploring the world around me and connecting with others, and I feel much happier after I have been around people, but at the same time I am always in my mind. I like to consider all of my options, the consequences of them, what is best for everyone involved, in what ways can I continue learning, how can I glorify God, etc. However, I am not perfect. Addiction and some other habits run in my family, and while I wish could say I were completely immune, I have fallen for the temptation of instant gratification before. I don’t have any specific addictions like other family members have, praise God. I am thankful for that because I am seen first hand how damaging it has been to their livelihood, our entire family, and their own overall life; and it makes me sad for them. But I understand where it stems from. A need to having something right now. And you feel like you need it NOW. And nothing will satisfy you until you get that thing. And you feel like you will go INSANE if you DON’T get that thing. So you become obsessed with obtaining it. Like I said, I don’t have a specific addiction like gambling away all of my money, drinking, sex, porn or anything like that. But I have felt and am both embarrassed and at the same time humbled to say that I have felt desperate to have something to the point that I would do nearly anything to do it. And the things I wanted weren’t bad things either. It’s just, when you want something so badly you aren’t thinking straight… you see where I’m going… you often don’t seek God and you certainly miss out on his timing. And there are most DEFINITELY consequences for that. I am speaking from EXPERIENCE, unfortunately. But the rainbow at the end of the tunnel is through each mistake I made God helped pick me up and lead me to his perfect plan. Hang tight, I’ll share more.

There are quite a few scenarios where I rushed things because I needed to have it like yesterday. The first I can think of would be when I was in high school and even into college. I felt because all of my friends had boyfriends, I needed to also have a boyfriend. So what did I do? Well the first guy I had a crush on I got to know but we didn’t end up dating. That was fine but instead of giving myself a break and just enjoying being a young teen I kept trying to find another crush. So my sophomore year of high school I had a few crushes and I would fall hard for each of them, and then get my heart crushed when none of them liked me. Then I felt worthless and annoying/ bummed. Eventually because a few people assumed I was dating my female best friend my junior year, one of my other friends set me up on a blind date with her friend from her high school. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Worst mistake ever because all it was was a boy trying to get me to do stuff I didn’t want to and it led to him sexually assaulting me because I always said no. Not fun, don’t be dumb like I was back then please. My next boyfriend was a more realistic relationship but he still wasn’t the Godly guy I thought he was and he cheated on me halfway through my freshman year of college. Finally after that I took some time to just enjoy being free and growing closer to God. I realized during that time I didn’t need a man to complete me and that it was time for me to put Jesus first in my life. It was very freeing and wonderful! Finally no chasing after boys, what a relief. 

                                           My high school best friend Shannon 

You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11 NIV


The next thing that comes to mind when I think back on not trusting God’s timing actually involves my dogs. No don’t get me wrong Luke was part of his perfect plan.. But before Luke I was talked into indulging my need for a dog right then. My “best friend”    **** DIFFERENT one than Shannon**** at the time would take care of her at her house for a few months until summer when I could keep her at my parents place until fall when I got my first apartment which was pet friendly. I was so giddy because I had just signed a lease (fall 2014 for my senior year the next school year) and my “best friend” said she would go with me to help me pick out a puppy to adopt. I had always wanted a dog of my own and my “best friend” had never failed me before, so I had no reason to think she would now. Well the day of the adoption her older sister berated me suddenly for the decision we were making saying I forced my friend into this, when it was my friend whose idea it was all along. I was confused, my friend was two years older than me and an adult/ had her own house?? But okay. Long story short we get the dog and after I give her to my friend she decides to change her name because the name I picked out was stupid. Then a few days later I get a call from a vet saying my dog was in critical condition and dying and needed to be put down. I don’t have words… I don’t understand. I just wish I would have taken the dog back the minute they were wanting to change its name and just gave it back to the shelter..but I never knew things would end up the way they did. Regardless I have forgiven because that is what God calls us to do, not easy but completely possible because we have Christ in us and he did it for us.


Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Romans 12:14 NIV


So after Luke we got Leia a white Pomeranian and she was a sweet dog but not a good fit since she was terrified of Luke. A few months later I had the urge to get another dog and it was overwhelming (little did I know it was actually God giving me the urge but I needed to be patient and He had a reason for the urge too). Instead of praying and looking at shelters what do I do? I find a random dog someone is selling and end up getting scammed out of money. See what happens when you think you know better than God? You end up getting burned badly. Once we did find the right fit and the next right fit after that one, I ended up rushing once again because I wanted another dog from the same breeder I got Mikki from and the breeder wanted me to hurry up and choose between two dogs and put a deposit down or else someone else could get one of them (I get it, first come first serve). So I felt like I had to choose right then and not think things through...and ended up with a disaster. So once again, I lost. Now don’t get discouraged because I am about to share how God’s timing compared to my careless, reckless timing and how perfect things turned out when I waited and prayed. Be prepared to be amazed.


The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage, But everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty. Proverbs 21:5 NIV

In college I had one more boyfriend that sadly was the worst relationship of my life, but I didn’t lose hope. Instead I fully surrendered (admit-tingly after being mad at God for a few weeks even though He did nothing wrong) to God and prayed that if it were His will that I would find the right man to marry in his timing and that the next guy I date be the guy I marry. So I didn’t worry at all. I spent time working on school, hanging out with my besties, enjoying the beauty of Athens, and growing closer to Christ, and learning more about myself. October 2014, my junior year of college while working at Alden Library, I met my now husband Robbie, who was also working at the library. Something was different about him from the moment we worked that shift together. I was afraid to talk to any men at first but I felt led by the Holy Spirit to actually be bold and initiate conversation and show interest, so I did. He reciprocated and we began courting. He was and is everything I could ask for in a man. Loving, gentle, sweet, funny, protective, smart...and loves Jesus. But guess what? He didn’t have a personal relationship with Jesus when we first met. He saw Christ in me and he said he saw God’s favor on me and that he wanted Jesus as his savior too. So he chose to accept Christ and here we are today, married four years now. God knows exactly what He is doing in your life and His timing is wayyyy better than we could have ever dreamed of.


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13 NIV


Now on to how his timing worked with the dogs. The summer before my senior year of college my dad let me adopt a dog and keep it at their house until I got my first apartment. So that is where Luke Bryan, my late Pomeranian Papillon mix comes into play. He was such a sweet boy. Very smart, loved to do tricks, he loved his bones, loved adventure and walks, loved everyone. I have written quite a few blogs about him. He and my dog Mikki are my two heart dogs. Luke unfortunately had kidney disease he was born with and I lost him in April 2018, but I know he was meant to be in my life and he had a purpose he fulfilled. After Leia, and being scammed by the random Craiglist person, I found our long-haired Chihuahua Mabel aka Mae Mae at a shelter near Athens. She was at the Mingle with the Mutts weekend adoption event in Columbus October 2017. We fell in love and adopted her and she and Luke were instant bff’s. Shortly after I realized why God gave me such a desire to want another dog so badly, it was because my favorite uncle was going to pass away unexpectedly just a few months later and just the week after I would find out Luke was dying from kidney disease. So without Mae Mae, I don’t think I could have survived all of that. Plus she helped Luke live a few extra months because she brought out an extra playful side in him.

In February 2018 I got MilkyWay aka Mikki my black and white Pomeranian. I was hoping she would be able to be my replacement service dog since Luke had a limited amount of time left. I wasn’t sure how things would go. Well she may well be the best dog I’ve ever owned. She exceeded every expectation I had. She knows how to alert if I am going to have a seizure, migraine, and assists with anxiety. She is very sweet and also smart. She is very in tune with me and loves to be held and carried by me. She loves to dance and she is very nurturing with her dog siblings. She is like my daughter, I know she’s a dog...but if she could fulfill a special role as closely as possible that is a role she fulfills. She and I just have a special bond. It’s perfect. I couldn’t have asked for a better dog. And it gets better even though the one dog was ahhhh we got Petra, a chiweenie, last summer from the same shelter we got Luke from. Petra was found running the streets in California and was brought to Ohio. Petra is perfect too. She has such a bold and outgoing personality. She is always ready to play and she is mischievous. She loves to play growl and she is just so silly. She definitely has helped us get through this crazy year 2020 has been. I felt led by God to adopt her too and Robbie felt it was right too after we prayed. And it was meant to be. 

Now I know I can trust him fully with my current desire, which I already see him working on. He has been answering prayers. I just need to be patient and I will this time because I don't want to do things on my own anymore. I much prefer God's way over my own flawed human way. I just keep giving it to Him daily and trusting Him with the rest and with the knowledge to know when the act and when not to. I really believe this desire will be answered and when it is I will definitely share. When we let God take over he WON’T DISAPPOINT I PROMISE. Go ahead and give him your hearts desire and pray about it. If you desire it for the right reasons and it’s his will, it will be given to you. Just be patient. Enjoy spending time with God <3 It is so worth it and it will save you a lot of heartache. I pray that you will be blessed with your heart’s desires and that you will trust God with your needs and wants, trusting in his perfect timing. God bless you all <3

Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NIV

To be continued *edited*

Hi everyone 👋

I hope you enjoy the most recent blog I posted about self love. I hope that you're doing whatever you can to love yourself during these crazy times we are living in, along with loving Jesus. I just wanted to say I am taking a break from Facebook and from writing blogs for a while. I need to further evaluate where I am in my walk with the Lord and I want to be sure I am in the right place before I write any more encouraging blogs for you because when I write them, I want them to point you to Christ. My trip away with my husband was a great break but honestly when I came back and got back to the news and Facebook I realized I am really a mess right now, if I'm being honest. I am not at a place I want to be. I'm not spending enough time with God daily and I am struggling with all of the stuff going on around me. I know I have anxiety and it was mostly controlled with medicine and I have mild depression but lately that depression doesn't seem so mild. Makes me sad to know what my husband struggles with all the time as someone with severe depression :(. 

 I am trying to show kindness and love, but it seems all I do is make things worse. For example, I just replied to a family members post today on advice about a covid vaccine and instead of telling me she was offended by my response, she blocked me. It's just too much trying to keep up with everything right now and there's too much noise I'm missing what I need to hear from God. So I want to spend time with him so that I can recharge and better love everyone, especially those closest to me. I feel I've been way too clingy to those closest to me and that's not usually me, so my sincerest apologies as well if I've driven any of you crazy. I'm working on me because I want to be able to be a better wife, friend, and most importantly daughter of Christ. So eventually, I'll be back to writing blogs. But for now I've got some me problems I need to work on. Take care and God bless each of you ❤️. P.s. besties you've seen me at rock bottom recently and I hope you stick around, but if I'm too much of a trainwreck for you I understand. I am definitely not easy to love. I don't blame you if you decide to find a better friend someone who's got their life better together. Either way, I'll always love you and you'll always be in my heart. Wishing you all blessings. 

P.s. if you really want to know exactly what's going on and you're brave enough to read about it, this Christian article sums it up so well. 

https://relevantmagazine.com/god/loving-jesus-doesnt-automatically-cure-suicidal-thoughts/amp/ 

I have a 

hard time talking about it because I was told before I wasn't a good enough Christian once for just having anxiety at a Church Bible study back when I lived in Athens. If wasn't through cru but an actual Church. So if anxiety is so heavily stigmatized, how much more so is depression. It comes and goes and right now I feel like I'm walking a tight rope between staying balanced and drowning. Maybe it's time I revisited going to a therapist. Either way if you could pray for me I'd appreciate it. I'll be back hopefully sooner than later. 

What you see isn't always what others see: choose to love yourself

Part of my starting over journey has involved me reading Love life again by Tracie Miles, recommended to be by a good friend. I am not very far into the book, but the chapter on loving yourself and recognizing your value really stuck out to me, so I decided to write about that today because that is something I sometimes forget. I know my value comes from Christ, but do I really know it deep in my heart… hmm. A lot of times I think I question that even though I know God is a good of truth and that he means every word he says. So I want to talk about ways we can love ourselves better, ways we can defeat the lies, what kind of lies we deal with, how it creeps up into our lives, and how it affects our relationships… because honestly even once you remove toxic people, if you don’t work on healing the toxic thinking, you still won’t go very far. I want to actually get further than I have, I want full healing from my past and I want full healing for you too. Perhaps you haven’t had the trauma that I have had, but you still struggle with lies. Tracie mentions in her book that a study showed women have bad thoughts about their bodies almost at least an hour a day….that’s a lot. So, it’s apparent that we really do have a problem loving ourselves whether it’s from sexual abusive, verbal abuse, racism, toxic friends, society’s toxic beauty standards, men expecting us to be sex objects, our mental illnesses tricking us, or just sin all around. We need to actively love ourselves because if we don’t, we will be torn apart. The devil is busy, he wants to distract us and keep us from experiencing peace and joy in Christ. Here’s a link to my previous blog https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/06/starting-over.html

I won’t go into extreme detail about my past because I have a lot in my other blog posts, but I’ve been rejected and put down a lot since I was a young kid. From peers, to so called friends, to crushes, ex boyfriends, and even family members. I think over the years it took a toll on me, but in different ways. Like in middle school when I was bullied, I decided to starve myself (whenever I could get away with it) to get skinnier and I fell in love with dancing (which was the good side to things, a good outlet besides giving my sorrows to the Lord during my prayer time). But in high school I wasn’t as concerned with my looks as much as I was trying to fit in somewhere. Once I found a group of friends, and actually realized I kind of fit in well with everyone, I was pretty comfortable. Still, I felt I always needed to make everyone around me happy. I wasn’t really concerned about how I felt as much as how I made others feel. In college I realized the importance of spending time daily in the Bible and in prayer, listening closely to what God wanted to say and for his guidance. It was during my first mission trip with Cru to Panama City Beach Florida (my freshman year of college) where we witnessed to people on the beach, where I learned I needed to spend more time with God. I also saw Him work in big ways each and every day, and I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit constantly. I wanted this everyday, so I decided to keep up with my daily quiet time with the Lord. When I did this, I felt more confident in who I was than ever before because I began to realize my worth really came from Jesus and not from who I am as a person. In a perfect world that would be the end of the story and I would have continued loving myself perfectly ever since, but life happens and it’s not that simple. From my experience as a Christ follower, you don’t just keep going upward on a perfect path. Maybe for you, you have and if so I am so proud of you and commend you. But for me, and some others, we mess up. We fall, we stumble a bit. We have to get back up and ask for forgiveness and continue on.


When I look in the mirror, most days I am happy with what I see. It’s often the past regrets that bother me. Or the fear of not measuring up. Although, I will admit I occasionally wish I could change some things about my appearance, namely, my skin color. I really wish I were a lot darker. I can’t stand that I am so light skinned for someone who is biracial. I think I would be a lot prettier if I had chocolate skin. I think my white friends are beautiful, each of them and I think each of my black friends are beautiful. I wouldn’t change anything about them. But aside from my skin tone, I am mostly happy with my appearance. It’s the worrying about my disabilities holding me back in life, my personality, me in general that makes me wonder why anyone gives me the time of day. It’s funny because I like who I am as a person, aside from having my disabilities. But I didn’t choose those and I have to make the best of the life I’ve been given. One of my friends a few years ago said she was jealous of me because of how beautiful I was, because I had the perfect life, and because of my personality. I was taken aback. Why? Well, because… she was getting married a few months before me so it’s not like I had something she didn’t. She was not ugly…quite the contrary! Beautiful brown hair and lots of beautiful face freckles. She was also skinnier than me. She had a nice job lined up for her after she graduated college involving children. I mean I do like my personality, I will give myself that, but she has a good one too. I was just shocked. I couldn’t understand why she would be jealous of me when she had everything she could ever want right in front of her and I didn’t have anything better. She also put me on a pedestal and it made me uncomfortable because… well I am not perfect. She kept saying I was and that nothing I ever did could make her like me any less. It was strange, I’ve never quite had anyone admire me so much. I mean why did she like me so much? *insert nervous laughter*
I bet now she laughs to herself because she was two kids and I have none, but I am pretty happy with where I am in life. I have never been jealous of anyone else. The reason I bring up what she said is how how we view ourselves is different than how others see us. She saw me different than I saw myself and I saw her in a different light than she saw herself.


I can fall into an old pattern of seeing myself a lot of times as a burden, as inferior to those around me, annoying, never good enough, just an afterthought to most, easily forgotten. But, those are also words that were told to me by people who really didn’t care and are also lies of Satan. These are also lies I have heard other women I know say they’ve dealt with, which is why I am discussing this. They’re LIES. Sometimes it’s a daily battle with my mind to remind myself that the negative thoughts going through my mind are not how God sees me and they aren’t how those who love me see me, and they aren’t how I should see myself. I have proof that they are lies from my friends and from God himself. My friends have told me lately that they love my naturally curly hair. They enjoy my heart for others and my love for animals. That they find me hilarious. I also find that they respond to my text messages, they want to hangout, they stay in touch even years after being friends and they offer compassion, empathy, and understanding, especially one in particular. I think it wouldn’t be fair for me to say my friends don’t care about me, given the ways that they have shown that they do. And I’ve got to quit letting the bad people of the past try and ruin the good now.

The devil wants to kill and destroy, so even when you get rid of bad, trust me he’s going to come for what good you’ve got in your life too. When I first got married I had a dream where there was a demon that looked like a gross dragon wolf mixture, and it said it was going to kill me and destroy my marriage. I also had those same words whispered to me several times throughout the first year of my marriage and believe me Satan came at us hard, especially at me. He had family try to divide us. Narcissism runs in both sides of the family and the spirit of jezebel too. We prayed against it and my pastor helped us too. Then those former toxic friends kept trying to tell me I needed to spend all my free time with them only and none of my off days with my husband. They always talked bad of my marriage when my husband was and is amazing. Always pray, always be on guard because the enemy is always ready to attack. Be careful who you allow in your life because the devil will use whatever tools are at his disposal to ruin you if and the keyword is IF you allow it. We saw the signs and we weren’t having it. So we fought back and in order to fight back you have to give things over to Christ. So when it comes to loving yourself and experiencing joy, it only makes sense that you have to fight for it too, right? So you give it to Christ and you actively work toward joy. Four years later, I’m still here and my marriage is stronger than ever, so I am proof that prayer and giving your troubles to Christ works. And I am proof that you have to fight for things. You can’t just passively sit by. You have to actively work to have the life you want. You want joy, you have to put effort into it. You want a marriage unbothered by troublemakers? You’ve gotta stay prayed up and keep an eye out for anyone who doesn’t belong.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10 NIV

It is better to take refuge in the Lord Than to trust in man. Psalm 118:8 NIV

Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7 NIV


One of the first things we need to do in order to love ourselves and feel joy is to ask God for forgiveness for not believing what He said is true about us. We also need to thank Him for all of the good He has placed in our lives. Once we have done that, we can ask God to help us love ourselves the way that He loves us. To help us see ourselves the way he sees us. It won’t happen overnight and it may be a lifelong journey, but I believe with each and every day it’ll get better. We need to quit dismissing compliments and words of affirmation and love that our friends and family tell us. Oh I am so bad at this because I will be so happy when someone I care about says something good about me, but then there will be that nagging voice in the back of my mind that says “ they were just being nice. They don’t really mean that”. We need to shut that negative talk down because it is the devil lying to use and trying to ruin our good relationships. We’ve got to believe that if our loved ones put in the effort to go out of their way to tell us that they care, to text us back, to actually listen and give sound advice, to want to spend time with us, to edify us...then they actually mean what they say. We owe it to ourselves and them to accept their love and receive it. Oh and don’t forget to return the love because ya know one sided friendships are awful and of course not of God l (I’ve been in a few of those as the sole giver, hence why I am a bit slower to trust). If we allow ourselves to be loved by others and we allow ourselves to be loved by God it will become natural for us to love ourselves too. We will start to see ourselves in a more positive light.


But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. 1 Peter 2:9 NIV

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! 1 John 3:1 NIV

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well. Psalm 139:14 NIV


When we are working on becoming more like Christ and growing in our relationship with Him, we will be attacked by Satan because he likes to cause us to stumble and wants to keep us down. He will likely throw a lot more negative thoughts as we work to change those thoughts, but don’t worry we can win this battle because we have Jesus. We can denounce bad thoughts in the name of Jesus and hold them captive. After we get rid of those bad thoughts we need to replace them with positive thoughts and TRUE facts about who we are in Christ. We need to tell ourselves that we are loved and treasured. That he will never forsake us and that he has big plans for us. That we are precious in his sight. If we keep these truths in our minds it will become second nature eventually to think of those whenever a bad thought pops up. I am really excited to work on this myself because I used to be victim to not knowing how to deal with uncontrolled thoughts that I didn’t want. Little did I know I actually had the power to handle those thanks to Jesus and the Holy Spirit. So I am thrilled to get back to reigning in my brain a bit more and being less controlled by the emotions of those around me and worrying about them, as well as the intrusive thoughts that pop up into my head. And I am excited for you that you will have freedom too.


We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV


Another way to experience joy fully is to do what makes you happy (as long as it is something that also makes God happy). Let go of what others think (easy for me to say, as I have become way too worried about the emotions of others and making people happy). But this past week during my anniversary trip, being away in nature really put things into perspective. I am happiest when I am outdoors in nature on a nice summer day. It is freeing. I really can break free from people pleasing because I’ve done it before and I am going to do it now. I am just going to embrace being me. I am going to embrace loving nature, swimming, hiking and the like. I am going to own being that crazy dog girl who loves dogs just as much as people and who loves my own as if they were my human children. Yes I like female dogs better than male dogs (except for my first dog Luke) and I don’t want another male dog ever again. Pomeranians are the best dogs ever and I love dachshunds too. I may be a city slicker but I am a country girl at heart and I admire country gals a lot. I am very girly in how I dress but that doesn’t mean I am high maintenance. I am down for some fun at the lake or getting dirty. Let’s have a party and crank up the country music and you teach me how to square dance. Or let’s chill out to some smooth jazz. Let’s dance like no one is watching. I like to hold hands with my friends and hug. I don’t see a problem with that? I have some annoying disabilities but I have one neurological condition that actually makes life more enjoyable in some ways. It helps me love deeper than the average person and I can enjoy music on a deeper level too. I mention it halfway through this blog here if you wanna know more : https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/04/inside-brain-of-non-neurotypical.html

But yeah, you get the point I’m making right. Embrace who you are and love it because you are awesome just as you are! Your real fans will love everything about you <3


If you give thanks for all the blessings you have each day, as well as every good thing that happened to you that day then you will find that you will be filled with joy too. Because honestly, we all are so blessed in so many ways. Sometimes we let our problems take over and we forget that having a home, animals, a spouse, friends, money, food, etc. are all such blessings. Being alive, being healthy, are all blessings. Anything good is a blessing from God. Let’s remember to give thanks to our awesome creator every day! Also every now and then check in on your besties and see how they’re doing. A simple text may make their day and it is always good to know how you can pray for them. We can all work together to keep each other accountable in terms of making sure we all love ourselves and each other well. Thank God for the gift of friendship.


The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26 NIV

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17 NIV

To my wonderful friends

Hey girls, I just wanted to write a special post to you because I want you to know how much I appreciate each of you, and I want you to never question your worth like I have. I want you to know how loved you are by your friends (like me!), your husband (or boyfriend), your family, and most importantly Jesus. I won’t share this to Facebook or anywhere other than my main blog page, but since I am still sharing it to the main blog page I will only use first initials just because I like to respect privacy :)


I am so thankful that each of you truly embrace all of me and are always there to catch me when I fall. Some days I feel like I stand so strong and courageous, ready to conquer anything that comes my way. Other days, like lately, I feel like a hot mess. My emotions have been a wreck, my chronic illnesses not so good, and my mental health is taking a toll because I so desperately mourn when the world is in turmoil like it has been. I don’t like seeing so much suffering, so much evil in many avenues, and Satan running rampant. I see him doing what he wants to do to: stealing, killing, and destroying. What keeps me sane is knowing that even in this huge spiritual battle, Jesus will win. I am so thankful each of you know Him so that we can spend eternity with him, and so that even now we can experience his joy and peace. Thank you for comforting me lately as I have had people walk out of my life over sharing my heart on how I have experienced racism, including a best friend I’ve had since I was a freshman in high school. Thank you for always seeing the best in me, when I can’t see any good in myself.


Thank you for loving all of me, even the parts of me that aren’t the prettiest. I so wish I were perfect. I honestly view each of you as perfect, even though I know technically none of us are because we all fall short of the glory and that is why we need a savior, Jesus. But when I see each of you, when I talk to you, when I spend time with you, I see Jesus and I feel his love. I want you to know that I am always there for you too, like you have been there for me. Like I have opened up to you about some of my deepest struggles and have basically shared my entire heart, you can tell me anything in confidence. If there is one thing I am good at, it is keeping secrets because I believe that is something precious and gossip is horrible. What I really love about each of you is that each of you have different things about you that I adore, different aspects of your personality that make you unique, fun, enjoyable, and amazing. You all are beautiful inside and outside. Don’t ever look in the mirror and think otherwise. I know, I say that after I just made like three Facebook posts putting myself down. Ugh, I do like how I look most of the time, but I do struggle with the skin color like I mentioned. I wish I were darker because as a biracial person I feel I look weird, and I think I would be prettier if I were a different color. I love all skin colors and all of yours by the way. I am trying to love myself as I was made. It’s a process. I like most of me, so I guess that’s better than nothing. Each of you were made by God himself and you are beloved. You are a treasure. You are a prize. You are so precious.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  Psalm 139:14 NIV


I think most of you have been friends with me since college, some of you a bit longer and some a bit shorter, but most of us have met in college. Ah, those were the days. I am so thankful we have crossed paths, whether in college or wherever we have. I don’t believe in coincidence, I believe everything happens for a reason. I cherish all of the wonderful memories we have shared and I think back to them quite often, especially during this crazy year with covid19 and everything else. I look forward to the many more memories we will share too. Both in the near future and in Heaven because our future will only get better. Now I’d like to share some things I like about each of you. Remember these truths whenever you ever feel down, or have any doubts. Remember these truths along with God’s truths and you will be able to overcome any negative thoughts or struggles. I love and adore each of you tremendously <3 Remember I am using initials, just because this will be accessible from my blog site, but you will know it’s about you based on initials and because you know who you are lol. This isn’t all of my friends, but just a few I wanted to share some extra love with <3


K* I love how when we met you were so chill and we were instant friends. We just meshed well and the rest was history haha. Of course we got to know each other as roommates, but we compliment each other well. I love your sarcasm, it’s hilarious and it helps me through my darkest moments. I love your intellect and how you are always interested in learning and helping better the world around you. I love how we can just have a good time. You never judge anything I ever tell you. In fact, you were the first person I went to (after hubby) when I knew I finally needed to admit that one thing I struggle with and you were like okay, cool. I can tell you anything and you can tell me anything. You are always up for a good time and you take very good care of those you love. I don’t think I could get through life without you, honestly.


M* I was drawn to you the minute I met you. You were hard to read though at first because you were a lot more quiet than B, but I could tell you were a Godly woman and a genuine person. I just felt a special bond and I don’t ignore those because I don’t get those often and when I do it means I’ve found a special friend. I love how devoted you are to ministry and furthering God’s kingdom. I also love the empathy you show toward those you care about, and understanding. Out of everyone I’ve talked to recently, you’ve shown some of the most empathy and that I cherish. It shows you really care. I also like your sense of humor, sassy side, and pretty much everything about you. I like that you’re a country gal at heart and that you like country music (which is one of my favorite types of music btw) You’re beautiful inside and out, what can I say. Your husband is a lucky man, he better treat you like the queen you are every single day (which I know he does :) ).


B* I love your sweet, sensitive nature. You are such a precious Godly woman. I love how gentle you are, how much you love Jesus and how much you love your friends. You’re so funny, and fun. We can always talk for hours and I feel like we are like sisters. You’re so genuine, so pure, a rare girl to find in this world, which makes me want to protect you from all the corrupt guys out there. I am so glad you see your worth and are waiting for mr. right. God has someone special for you. I love how you have a heart for helping others, and how much you love nature and cats. I love how much you love to love others too and how you also enjoy encouraging and uplifting others. You’re a gem. You’re beautiful.


S* Girl, we’ve been through so much together. I remember when we first met freshman year/ sophomore year for you. We started hanging out all the time having sleepovers, pizza parties, movie nights, and you wanted to paint my nails all the time. We would talk about everything, and we would hangout with a few other mutual friends we had too. However a lot changed, but our friendship only grew. Who knew we would help each other get through very toxic romantic relationships and help each other grow after. I remember you were going to take my phone if I texted my ex anymore because it was obvious at that point he was playing games, and I was going to beat up your ex if he kept verbally abusing you. It was rough, but we got through and we got through stronger than before. You are someone who is always there even when others are not. You love hard and you will not let anyone walk all over the ones you care about. You are very passionate about what you believe in, and I think we need more of that. You love to help others and you are more than happy to put others above yourself. If anyone needs anything, you’re there in a second. You’re a beautiful woman inside and out. You’re a wonderful mother and a great wife to your hubby. You’re a friend who will never leave or walk out on someone, you’re in it for the long haul and I am glad, because I am not going anywhere, either. Don’t let anyone ever tell you to stop being you, or to stop being passionate for what you believe in. We need more passionate people in this world.


A* Where do I start? Our friendship is the result of God’s divine intervention alone because who knew I would decide to speak up against someone twisting scripture in a Christian blogging group of 10,0000 members, and that you would help back me up with the complimentary scripture when I was calling the woman out for being a liar and for being a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I remember PM-ing you later and then getting your phone #. Fast forward a week later I wished you a happy mother’s day and hoped you were spending it with your mother too. That’s when I learned you weren’t because of your strained relationship with your mom due to narcissism and that’s when I knew our friendship was really needed at that time too..because there where narcissists on Robbie’s side of the family who were trying to attack me and our marriage and we had no idea how to deal with that. You helped Robbie and I learn that narcissism is mental but also spiritual and it needs diligence and strict boundaries. Without your guidance and wisdom, I know we wouldn’t be where we are today. We have no problems with said family members because we nipped it in the bud so quickly and I learned to push back whenever someone tried to insert themselves where they didn’t belong. Ever since we just became close friends and you’re like the older sister I always wished I had. It’s crazy how much we have in common. I value your wisdom, your love, your ability to see when there are spiritual attacks going on and how to deal with them, and how you know things about me without me even needing to say them. You are so loving, so funny, we can talk on the phone for hours. You say I am wise for my age, but I think you really are the wise one here. Beautiful inside and out. A wonderful mother, wife, and woman of God. You need to get better soon because I don’t think I can live without you in my life...seriously. I would be lost. I don’t know if I could handle it, so please get better soon.


B* Ahh we met on the beach during my first PCB trip. I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know anyone on the trip except for one girl from my Bible study, and even then I barely knew her, but you were super calm and your smile was inviting so I decided to say hello. I remember knowing we would be good friends after our first chat, and I wasn’t wrong. You are another friend who has been there for me through the good, bad, and ugly, and I vow to always be the same for you. I love your loyalty to your friends, and your calm demeanor. You never judge, you are always gentle and you always love well. You are very chill too, something we need more of in this world. I am so glad we’ve been friends all of these years. Don’t ever think you’re less than and I know you also struggle with people pleasing but know you’re loved. You’re beautiful inside and out. You’re going to make one heck of a great mom too.

Starting Over

                             

The first two paragraphs address my previous blog post and part of why I am writing this blog, but this blog is also on a completely different subject, so please read the entire thing and not just part of it. Thanks

Recently I shared my my experiences of racism and why I believe there is still a lot a change, justice, and healing that needs to happen in America, and that the black community (which I am a part of, as a half black/ half white woman) need love and support from our Christian brothers and sisters of all colors and backgrounds. I wanted to bring some understanding to the situation because the violent riots and a lot of hatred was clouding the real message. You can read my blog post here, if you haven’t already: https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/06/why-black-community-needs-your-support.html ** I encourage you to PLEASE read it all, as some people didn’t and they thought I supported violence, which I specify clearly that I don’t. **

Also, more dishearteningly, is that I was met with a lot of anger and hatred from people I thought were my friends for sharing my views and real things that had happened to me. Some people said my experiences were invalid, that they didn’t care, etc. But the worst, and perhaps what caused me to actually become sick for a few days was losing some friends I consider close friends, perhaps even best friends, over this. I didn’t unfriend them, they chose to quit being my friend because they didn’t want to hear about it. It was tough. I expected to get some negative feedback, but not from people I have known for half of my life. Not from people who always run to me when they need someone. I guess I got used, again. It got me thinking again and reminding me I need to get back a journey I started a few years ago. I will explain that momentarily. It also put into perspective the importance of really knowing who your true friends are. Because just because someone claims to be one, doesn’t mean they are. And that stings, and can hurt just as bad as a breakup. In fact, the pain I feel feels similar to the breakup I had like 8 years ago or so whenever my abusive ex broke up with me. It’s not a fun feeling, but I survived that and God led me to better, so I know I can survive this and he will still have better days ahead. It’s scary, I had overcome a lot of trust issues from toxic relationships in the past just to think, maybe I should just throw in the towel on trusting anyone....hmmm...

I decided to call this blog Starting Over because there are certain times in our lives when I think we need to hit a reset button and reevaluate everything, and I think I’ve reached that point in my life. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this position, but I think everyone gets to a point where they realize there are some changes that need to be made so that they can live their lives to the fullest. There are things that are getting in the way of me experiencing God's joy and peace fully and there are things preventing me from hearing his guidance and will for my life. It’s like a storm that caused a ton of debris all over the road. I can’t continue driving to my destination with the road in its current state. I need to do a bit of cleaning up and evaluating. Maybe some reconstruction and some branches need cut down, some tossed out completely, some trees replanted. The pandemic, the systemic racism issues being brought to light again, and people’s reaction to me speaking out are part of what is making me realize there needs to be some changes in my life. But if I’m being honest, 2019 was a hard year for me and really when the need for change began in my life. It was when I let my chronic illnesses sap my joy for life little by little until I was just ready to go to sleep each night, just happy to get through another day, just eagerly awaiting one day closer to Heaven. I don’t think that’s how God wants me to live. I know he wants me to be happy for Heaven, but I know that he wants me to live a fulfilling life now too. He has plans for me, and ALL of us now. He doesn’t place people and circumstances in our lives just by chance. I don’t want to take things for granted and I don’t want to wish my life away living as the victim. I can have a fulfilling life even with my disabilities, even when so many people are against me, even when it feels like sometimes the entire world hates me and only my dogs love me. I just need to cling to His truth. And I want you to know whatever your struggle is, you can always pick up and start over too. Sometimes, it is a necessity. And God HAS good for YOU! He LOVES you!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV

One of the more recent times I have started over was when my abusive ex boyfriend broke up with me in February 2013, and began a process of pretending to be my friend again, then verbally abusing me, then apologizing... a vicious cycle where I was being strung along and constantly crushed. I let it last a few months (this was a year or so before I became friends with my now husband) before I realized how bad it was for me and my walk with God. I had to completely cut him off because me trying to explain myself, trying to be nice, and so on just led to him trying to manipulate me. The other one was a few months into my marriage sometime in 2017. My wonderful husband Robbie helped me realize that I was once again dealing with very abusive now former friends. I didn’t want to realize it because we had been friends since I was a child, like really young, and I felt they needed me in their lives because they didn’t have any other friends. Also these friends didn’t know Jesus, and I hoped by being their friend, and by sharing about Jesus and his love, they would eventually learn to love and also accept Christ. I want to note that I don’t call many people abusive, by the way, just clearing the air here these people were actually very, very abusive toward me. The ex eventually stalked me years later with the intent to harm me. The former friends while they never did that, they always constantly put me down. They didn't always do that. I just kind of happened as we got older, especially as the years went on. For example, they told me I didn’t matter. Told me I was stupid. I didn’t need any friends other than them. That I should have never gone to grad school. I wouldn’t amount to anything. That I was ugly, fat, that every decision I made was wrong. They wondered how I made the friends I made in college. Maybe they’re right, maybe my college friends are only my friends because they pity me who knows but I think they like me right? I just tried to nervously laugh and just ignore their remarks. They hung out with me, these people needed my love and I just needed to take this right?! I mean, maybe I deserved this abuse. Maybe I was meant to be abused I often thought to myself. I now know that isn't true, but throughout my life there was plenty of times I have thought my purpose was solely to be kicked around because it happened so DANG much.


Well the similarity between both situations is that I began healing and I cut the toxic people out. But, the difference with cutting the toxic former friends out was that I realized I had a bigger problem than I realized. It wasn’t just being around abusive people. I had a problem with people pleasing and I would do it to a fault. I would be okay with putting myself in harmful situations if it meant making someone happy. I was okay with people degrading me if it meant they were happy. I thought if I cut them off I was not showing them love and that God would be mad with me. But I began realizing that abuse is not okay and we are not called to people please, we are called to live according to God and his Word. We are called to live by his will for us. I realized I do deserve respect and that healthy boundaries are so important. If I don’t have boundaries and if I surround myself with people who constantly belittle everything I do, then I question everything. I began to wonder why I was even still alive. I began to question if I should reach out to my other friends. I began to question does my husband really love me? I began to question everything and it ultimately ended up with me questioning how much does God really love me. I began thinking he saw me as those people saw me and that made me afraid to bring any of my desires to him. But, with healing and prayer the walls came down. He brought the perfect older sister/ amazing friend into my life who helped me as she had been through so many of the things I have been through. It was literally divine intervention how we met, no other explanation. I adore her.

As the healing continued I got back to putting God first again and that was such a wonderful thing. Hearing his voice regularly, feeling his constant love. But the problem with today’s society is we have to really fight against distractions and attacks from the devil to really spend quality time with God. And it is SO easy to get off track. Hello 2019. My chronic illnesses were rearing their ugly heads especially beginning last summer. I had a migraine nearly every day from July until almost December and on top of that my seizures were out of control. Add to that depression and anxiety and feeling like days just disappeared. Feeling like I was useless because I just hated missing days of work, having to make up days and all the like. Oh and I missed months upon months of church because some of my sickest days ended up being on Sundays. Maui going missing from my friends house and having to search for him for two weeks was the icing on the cake. I didn’t even realize that my joy was being sapped from me until I was just like I want to sleep. I am useless. I am worthless. My old friends were right, I shouldn’t have gone to grad school, I’ll never be what I wanted to be. The dogs became the only thing that made me smile besides my hubby. I quit texting most of my friends because I didn’t want to bother them, but I did keep texting K because I need K's sarcasm and we always help each other through whatever life throws at us. Come to find out 2019 was a rough year for her too. Little did I realize the devil was whispering lies to my ears and I was letting those lies define me again.

2019 before I started to lose joy was actually eye opening. I finally came to terms with something I’ve known about myself for years but was afraid to ever bring up because it’s something most Christians don’t experience and if you do, you’re seen as bad. So I first discussed it with Robbie and he was like I already knew… I was like… what?! He was like yeah, it was pretty obvious and I just see you as you. I married you for all of you and I love you. Then I decided to talk to K about it and if you know K she’s chill about everything so she’s like yeah it’s okay. My older sister in Christ was like I already knew and I have a soft spot for people just like you... she said she didn't know why exactly but she said she loved me for all of me and that my struggles don't define me. Then I didn’t bring it up again for a while until this past December when I had a friend share a book she read that really spoke to her and was about that. So since she brought that up, and since it resonated with her, I figured that meant she understood/ goes through that same struggle, and I decided to let her know that I go through that. Let me tell you my heart pounded after I sent that text because you know, I am so used to losing friends over everything. I was awaiting her to say something like omg you are the worst Christian ever or something. But nope, she didn’t. We just had an understanding and it was freeing. Finally someone who understood me...what? Say it isn't so?! I finally didn't have this deep secret eating at me. And so I shared with a few more and each true friend of mine has shown me that I can fully be me around them. I don’t need to worry about pleasing them. They have told me after sharing my other blog and all the other things I have shared that I need to quit letting what others think of me define me. My worth comes from Christ Crucified alone, per the words of one wise friend of mine. And she, and the other good friends of mine are right. So that is one of my biggest things I am going to change during this season of starting over. And if anything, each of my true friends have shown me that when there is real love, there is no need for fear. And I am still a work in progress when it comes to accepting love.


There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18


My true friends have given me extra love these past two weeks given the turn of events and I just want to say, they're amazing. I love things about each of them. Each of them a precious and unique. Each of them are Godly, loving, kind, special, and I am so thankful to have them by my side.You don't know the sorrow I have been feeling as an empathetic person who just wants justice and peace in a broken world. I have longed for a #1 best friend for ages and it seems like so many of my friends already have that place taken, but I believe there is a friend right in front of me who is there to fulfill that special role and I am excited for the adventure. I did have a #1 best friend for years, but it was one sided. I am ready to love my #1 best friend and to be loved equally in return. I believe I deserve to be loved now and I won't settle for less anymore. I hope if you have settled for less in the past, that you too will make some changes in your life now too.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NIV


I am no longer going to let the opinions of others control my life. I am going to walk by faith in Christ. It is going to be a transition but I recognize that I need the help of Jesus to do this and my friends to keep me accountable when I mess up and fall back into bad patterns, and thankfully now I know who will be there not just for a season, but for life. The exciting thing about starting over is there is always blessings that come out of it. I always find that new adventures come out of it and that even when loss happens, there is much more to be gained. Even when I have felt so hurt by some loss I have experienced, I have never felt so much love by my true friends and by even people I am not close to. I can only hope that you all feel the love of Christ from me, as that is my goal with every breath I take. I am nowhere near perfect and won’t be until the day I reach Heaven, but I want people to see Jesus when they see me. I want them to see love and I want people to know that I love you no matter who you are. I want you to know if you aren’t saved you can be saved if you call on the name of Jesus and believe he is the Son of God and is your savior. He loves ALL creation. This world doesn’t have enough love and my mission is to show people that true love does still exist.

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 NIV



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzGK_wtTpgg