The first two paragraphs address my previous blog post and part of why I am writing this blog, but this blog is also on a completely different subject, so please read the entire thing and not just part of it. Thanks
Recently I shared my my experiences of racism and why I believe there is still a lot a change, justice, and healing that needs to happen in America, and that the black community (which I am a part of, as a half black/ half white woman) need love and support from our Christian brothers and sisters of all colors and backgrounds. I wanted to bring some understanding to the situation because the violent riots and a lot of hatred was clouding the real message. You can read my blog post here, if you haven’t already: https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2020/06/why-black-community-needs-your-support.html ** I encourage you to PLEASE read it all, as some people didn’t and they thought I supported violence, which I specify clearly that I don’t. **
Also, more dishearteningly, is that I was met with a lot of anger and hatred from people I thought were my friends for sharing my views and real things that had happened to me. Some people said my experiences were invalid, that they didn’t care, etc. But the worst, and perhaps what caused me to actually become sick for a few days was losing some friends I consider close friends, perhaps even best friends, over this. I didn’t unfriend them, they chose to quit being my friend because they didn’t want to hear about it. It was tough. I expected to get some negative feedback, but not from people I have known for half of my life. Not from people who always run to me when they need someone. I guess I got used, again. It got me thinking again and reminding me I need to get back a journey I started a few years ago. I will explain that momentarily. It also put into perspective the importance of really knowing who your true friends are. Because just because someone claims to be one, doesn’t mean they are. And that stings, and can hurt just as bad as a breakup. In fact, the pain I feel feels similar to the breakup I had like 8 years ago or so whenever my abusive ex broke up with me. It’s not a fun feeling, but I survived that and God led me to better, so I know I can survive this and he will still have better days ahead. It’s scary, I had overcome a lot of trust issues from toxic relationships in the past just to think, maybe I should just throw in the towel on trusting anyone....hmmm...
I decided to call this blog Starting Over because there are certain times in our lives when I think we need to hit a reset button and reevaluate everything, and I think I’ve reached that point in my life. It’s been a while since I’ve been in this position, but I think everyone gets to a point where they realize there are some changes that need to be made so that they can live their lives to the fullest. There are things that are getting in the way of me experiencing God's joy and peace fully and there are things preventing me from hearing his guidance and will for my life. It’s like a storm that caused a ton of debris all over the road. I can’t continue driving to my destination with the road in its current state. I need to do a bit of cleaning up and evaluating. Maybe some reconstruction and some branches need cut down, some tossed out completely, some trees replanted. The pandemic, the systemic racism issues being brought to light again, and people’s reaction to me speaking out are part of what is making me realize there needs to be some changes in my life. But if I’m being honest, 2019 was a hard year for me and really when the need for change began in my life. It was when I let my chronic illnesses sap my joy for life little by little until I was just ready to go to sleep each night, just happy to get through another day, just eagerly awaiting one day closer to Heaven. I don’t think that’s how God wants me to live. I know he wants me to be happy for Heaven, but I know that he wants me to live a fulfilling life now too. He has plans for me, and ALL of us now. He doesn’t place people and circumstances in our lives just by chance. I don’t want to take things for granted and I don’t want to wish my life away living as the victim. I can have a fulfilling life even with my disabilities, even when so many people are against me, even when it feels like sometimes the entire world hates me and only my dogs love me. I just need to cling to His truth. And I want you to know whatever your struggle is, you can always pick up and start over too. Sometimes, it is a necessity. And God HAS good for YOU! He LOVES you!
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good,[a] for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 NIV
One of the more recent times I have started over was when my abusive ex boyfriend broke up with me in February 2013, and began a process of pretending to be my friend again, then verbally abusing me, then apologizing... a vicious cycle where I was being strung along and constantly crushed. I let it last a few months (this was a year or so before I became friends with my now husband) before I realized how bad it was for me and my walk with God. I had to completely cut him off because me trying to explain myself, trying to be nice, and so on just led to him trying to manipulate me. The other one was a few months into my marriage sometime in 2017. My wonderful husband Robbie helped me realize that I was once again dealing with very abusive now former friends. I didn’t want to realize it because we had been friends since I was a child, like really young, and I felt they needed me in their lives because they didn’t have any other friends. Also these friends didn’t know Jesus, and I hoped by being their friend, and by sharing about Jesus and his love, they would eventually learn to love and also accept Christ. I want to note that I don’t call many people abusive, by the way, just clearing the air here these people were actually very, very abusive toward me. The ex eventually stalked me years later with the intent to harm me. The former friends while they never did that, they always constantly put me down. They didn't always do that. I just kind of happened as we got older, especially as the years went on. For example, they told me I didn’t matter. Told me I was stupid. I didn’t need any friends other than them. That I should have never gone to grad school. I wouldn’t amount to anything. That I was ugly, fat, that every decision I made was wrong. They wondered how I made the friends I made in college. Maybe they’re right, maybe my college friends are only my friends because they pity me who knows but I think they like me right? I just tried to nervously laugh and just ignore their remarks. They hung out with me, these people needed my love and I just needed to take this right?! I mean, maybe I deserved this abuse. Maybe I was meant to be abused I often thought to myself. I now know that isn't true, but throughout my life there was plenty of times I have thought my purpose was solely to be kicked around because it happened so DANG much.
Well the similarity between both situations is that I began healing and I cut the toxic people out. But, the difference with cutting the toxic former friends out was that I realized I had a bigger problem than I realized. It wasn’t just being around abusive people. I had a problem with people pleasing and I would do it to a fault. I would be okay with putting myself in harmful situations if it meant making someone happy. I was okay with people degrading me if it meant they were happy. I thought if I cut them off I was not showing them love and that God would be mad with me. But I began realizing that abuse is not okay and we are not called to people please, we are called to live according to God and his Word. We are called to live by his will for us. I realized I do deserve respect and that healthy boundaries are so important. If I don’t have boundaries and if I surround myself with people who constantly belittle everything I do, then I question everything. I began to wonder why I was even still alive. I began to question if I should reach out to my other friends. I began to question does my husband really love me? I began to question everything and it ultimately ended up with me questioning how much does God really love me. I began thinking he saw me as those people saw me and that made me afraid to bring any of my desires to him. But, with healing and prayer the walls came down. He brought the perfect older sister/ amazing friend into my life who helped me as she had been through so many of the things I have been through. It was literally divine intervention how we met, no other explanation. I adore her.
As the healing continued I got back to putting God first again and that was such a wonderful thing. Hearing his voice regularly, feeling his constant love. But the problem with today’s society is we have to really fight against distractions and attacks from the devil to really spend quality time with God. And it is SO easy to get off track. Hello 2019. My chronic illnesses were rearing their ugly heads especially beginning last summer. I had a migraine nearly every day from July until almost December and on top of that my seizures were out of control. Add to that depression and anxiety and feeling like days just disappeared. Feeling like I was useless because I just hated missing days of work, having to make up days and all the like. Oh and I missed months upon months of church because some of my sickest days ended up being on Sundays. Maui going missing from my friends house and having to search for him for two weeks was the icing on the cake. I didn’t even realize that my joy was being sapped from me until I was just like I want to sleep. I am useless. I am worthless. My old friends were right, I shouldn’t have gone to grad school, I’ll never be what I wanted to be. The dogs became the only thing that made me smile besides my hubby. I quit texting most of my friends because I didn’t want to bother them, but I did keep texting K because I need K's sarcasm and we always help each other through whatever life throws at us. Come to find out 2019 was a rough year for her too. Little did I realize the devil was whispering lies to my ears and I was letting those lies define me again.
2019 before I started to lose joy was actually eye opening. I finally came to terms with something I’ve known about myself for years but was afraid to ever bring up because it’s something most Christians don’t experience and if you do, you’re seen as bad. So I first discussed it with Robbie and he was like I already knew… I was like… what?! He was like yeah, it was pretty obvious and I just see you as you. I married you for all of you and I love you. Then I decided to talk to K about it and if you know K she’s chill about everything so she’s like yeah it’s okay. My older sister in Christ was like I already knew and I have a soft spot for people just like you... she said she didn't know why exactly but she said she loved me for all of me and that my struggles don't define me. Then I didn’t bring it up again for a while until this past December when I had a friend share a book she read that really spoke to her and was about that. So since she brought that up, and since it resonated with her, I figured that meant she understood/ goes through that same struggle, and I decided to let her know that I go through that. Let me tell you my heart pounded after I sent that text because you know, I am so used to losing friends over everything. I was awaiting her to say something like omg you are the worst Christian ever or something. But nope, she didn’t. We just had an understanding and it was freeing. Finally someone who understood me...what? Say it isn't so?! I finally didn't have this deep secret eating at me. And so I shared with a few more and each true friend of mine has shown me that I can fully be me around them. I don’t need to worry about pleasing them. They have told me after sharing my other blog and all the other things I have shared that I need to quit letting what others think of me define me. My worth comes from Christ Crucified alone, per the words of one wise friend of mine. And she, and the other good friends of mine are right. So that is one of my biggest things I am going to change during this season of starting over. And if anything, each of my true friends have shown me that when there is real love, there is no need for fear. And I am still a work in progress when it comes to accepting love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18
My true friends have given me extra love these past two weeks given the turn of events and I just want to say, they're amazing. I love things about each of them. Each of them a precious and unique. Each of them are Godly, loving, kind, special, and I am so thankful to have them by my side.You don't know the sorrow I have been feeling as an empathetic person who just wants justice and peace in a broken world. I have longed for a #1 best friend for ages and it seems like so many of my friends already have that place taken, but I believe there is a friend right in front of me who is there to fulfill that special role and I am excited for the adventure. I did have a #1 best friend for years, but it was one sided. I am ready to love my #1 best friend and to be loved equally in return. I believe I deserve to be loved now and I won't settle for less anymore. I hope if you have settled for less in the past, that you too will make some changes in your life now too.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NIV
I am no longer going to let the opinions of others control my life. I am going to walk by faith in Christ. It is going to be a transition but I recognize that I need the help of Jesus to do this and my friends to keep me accountable when I mess up and fall back into bad patterns, and thankfully now I know who will be there not just for a season, but for life. The exciting thing about starting over is there is always blessings that come out of it. I always find that new adventures come out of it and that even when loss happens, there is much more to be gained. Even when I have felt so hurt by some loss I have experienced, I have never felt so much love by my true friends and by even people I am not close to. I can only hope that you all feel the love of Christ from me, as that is my goal with every breath I take. I am nowhere near perfect and won’t be until the day I reach Heaven, but I want people to see Jesus when they see me. I want them to see love and I want people to know that I love you no matter who you are. I want you to know if you aren’t saved you can be saved if you call on the name of Jesus and believe he is the Son of God and is your savior. He loves ALL creation. This world doesn’t have enough love and my mission is to show people that true love does still exist.
Well the similarity between both situations is that I began healing and I cut the toxic people out. But, the difference with cutting the toxic former friends out was that I realized I had a bigger problem than I realized. It wasn’t just being around abusive people. I had a problem with people pleasing and I would do it to a fault. I would be okay with putting myself in harmful situations if it meant making someone happy. I was okay with people degrading me if it meant they were happy. I thought if I cut them off I was not showing them love and that God would be mad with me. But I began realizing that abuse is not okay and we are not called to people please, we are called to live according to God and his Word. We are called to live by his will for us. I realized I do deserve respect and that healthy boundaries are so important. If I don’t have boundaries and if I surround myself with people who constantly belittle everything I do, then I question everything. I began to wonder why I was even still alive. I began to question if I should reach out to my other friends. I began to question does my husband really love me? I began to question everything and it ultimately ended up with me questioning how much does God really love me. I began thinking he saw me as those people saw me and that made me afraid to bring any of my desires to him. But, with healing and prayer the walls came down. He brought the perfect older sister/ amazing friend into my life who helped me as she had been through so many of the things I have been through. It was literally divine intervention how we met, no other explanation. I adore her.
As the healing continued I got back to putting God first again and that was such a wonderful thing. Hearing his voice regularly, feeling his constant love. But the problem with today’s society is we have to really fight against distractions and attacks from the devil to really spend quality time with God. And it is SO easy to get off track. Hello 2019. My chronic illnesses were rearing their ugly heads especially beginning last summer. I had a migraine nearly every day from July until almost December and on top of that my seizures were out of control. Add to that depression and anxiety and feeling like days just disappeared. Feeling like I was useless because I just hated missing days of work, having to make up days and all the like. Oh and I missed months upon months of church because some of my sickest days ended up being on Sundays. Maui going missing from my friends house and having to search for him for two weeks was the icing on the cake. I didn’t even realize that my joy was being sapped from me until I was just like I want to sleep. I am useless. I am worthless. My old friends were right, I shouldn’t have gone to grad school, I’ll never be what I wanted to be. The dogs became the only thing that made me smile besides my hubby. I quit texting most of my friends because I didn’t want to bother them, but I did keep texting K because I need K's sarcasm and we always help each other through whatever life throws at us. Come to find out 2019 was a rough year for her too. Little did I realize the devil was whispering lies to my ears and I was letting those lies define me again.
2019 before I started to lose joy was actually eye opening. I finally came to terms with something I’ve known about myself for years but was afraid to ever bring up because it’s something most Christians don’t experience and if you do, you’re seen as bad. So I first discussed it with Robbie and he was like I already knew… I was like… what?! He was like yeah, it was pretty obvious and I just see you as you. I married you for all of you and I love you. Then I decided to talk to K about it and if you know K she’s chill about everything so she’s like yeah it’s okay. My older sister in Christ was like I already knew and I have a soft spot for people just like you... she said she didn't know why exactly but she said she loved me for all of me and that my struggles don't define me. Then I didn’t bring it up again for a while until this past December when I had a friend share a book she read that really spoke to her and was about that. So since she brought that up, and since it resonated with her, I figured that meant she understood/ goes through that same struggle, and I decided to let her know that I go through that. Let me tell you my heart pounded after I sent that text because you know, I am so used to losing friends over everything. I was awaiting her to say something like omg you are the worst Christian ever or something. But nope, she didn’t. We just had an understanding and it was freeing. Finally someone who understood me...what? Say it isn't so?! I finally didn't have this deep secret eating at me. And so I shared with a few more and each true friend of mine has shown me that I can fully be me around them. I don’t need to worry about pleasing them. They have told me after sharing my other blog and all the other things I have shared that I need to quit letting what others think of me define me. My worth comes from Christ Crucified alone, per the words of one wise friend of mine. And she, and the other good friends of mine are right. So that is one of my biggest things I am going to change during this season of starting over. And if anything, each of my true friends have shown me that when there is real love, there is no need for fear. And I am still a work in progress when it comes to accepting love.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18
My true friends have given me extra love these past two weeks given the turn of events and I just want to say, they're amazing. I love things about each of them. Each of them a precious and unique. Each of them are Godly, loving, kind, special, and I am so thankful to have them by my side.You don't know the sorrow I have been feeling as an empathetic person who just wants justice and peace in a broken world. I have longed for a #1 best friend for ages and it seems like so many of my friends already have that place taken, but I believe there is a friend right in front of me who is there to fulfill that special role and I am excited for the adventure. I did have a #1 best friend for years, but it was one sided. I am ready to love my #1 best friend and to be loved equally in return. I believe I deserve to be loved now and I won't settle for less anymore. I hope if you have settled for less in the past, that you too will make some changes in your life now too.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 NIV
I am no longer going to let the opinions of others control my life. I am going to walk by faith in Christ. It is going to be a transition but I recognize that I need the help of Jesus to do this and my friends to keep me accountable when I mess up and fall back into bad patterns, and thankfully now I know who will be there not just for a season, but for life. The exciting thing about starting over is there is always blessings that come out of it. I always find that new adventures come out of it and that even when loss happens, there is much more to be gained. Even when I have felt so hurt by some loss I have experienced, I have never felt so much love by my true friends and by even people I am not close to. I can only hope that you all feel the love of Christ from me, as that is my goal with every breath I take. I am nowhere near perfect and won’t be until the day I reach Heaven, but I want people to see Jesus when they see me. I want them to see love and I want people to know that I love you no matter who you are. I want you to know if you aren’t saved you can be saved if you call on the name of Jesus and believe he is the Son of God and is your savior. He loves ALL creation. This world doesn’t have enough love and my mission is to show people that true love does still exist.
Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:8 NIV
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzGK_wtTpgg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vzGK_wtTpgg
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