UPDATE: new devotional book, "When a Christian Meets Chronic Illness" now available on amazon :) Check it out at the link below! or type title into amazon search engine. I hope my book encourages you just like this blogpost has. God Bless you
https://a.co/d/iWGAfaU
My first seizure(that I recall) was actually a month before I got married. I remember sitting on the couch at my parents’ place talking to my dad about fun wedding stuff and Luke when suddenly I was wet and had no idea what happened. There was no water bottles near me, Luke didn’t pee, and there was no source for wetness. I was convinced it could have been a weird fluke. Perhaps the ceiling had a leak and I just so happened to be right under it. Maybe some sort of spirit poured water onto me. My dad noticed I was quiet for a bit before I suddenly became aware that I was wet. He was concerned, but I brushed it off. I had more important things to worry about and it couldn’t be a seizure because I had never had those before( or so I thought) I couldn’t fathom what happened but since it didn’t happen again I put it behind me.
The interesting thing is a few months prior when my anxiety was at it’s all time worse and I finally went to a doctor about it, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and panic disorder. All the while when I did research on panic attacks I wondered if I really was having seizures sometimes because some of the symptoms I had didn’t quite match up. Yet I knew I was having panic attacks at times so I knew I had to train Luke to be my service dog and I assumed that would be enough for everything to go back to normal. Months passed and Luke excelled at his service dog work and training, all the while my panic attacks increased to the point that I was having 10-20 a day at one point, which was pretty awful and made my heart rate super fast. Somedays all I could after work was stare at a wall or pace the floor. There was many times I wanted to relax and enjoy some hobbies, but my brain was always racing and I felt constantly tense.
My husband Robbie begged me to go back to a therapist because he was concerned on how hard it was for me to enjoy living in the present. I finally did after I had a spell where I was walking Luke on a familiar bike path and briefly, for about a minute or two, I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. Everything seemed unfamiliar and I felt weightless. Luke instantly knew what to do thankfully! He pulled us toward the direction of home and as we walked(he had began nearly running so I should say as we jogged) I began to regain reality and realize where I was. When I got home I had a rush of depressed emotions and thought I was having a depressive spell. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I needed help. I couldn’t keep living the way I was. It was miserable. I chose to keep it to myself and bottled inside because I didn’t want to be a burden to others. My family needed me and so much was going on with my uncle’s disease, my dad healing from a stroke, etc. Plus, everyone goes through trials so I figured why bother anyone else about it. I would have continued to keep it to myself, but God has put it on my heart to be very transparent and vocal about my health struggles. It made me really scared at first because I am so afraid of upsetting someone and it puts me in a really vulnerable spot. But the more I prayed to heal me and let me keep my health hidden/ under wraps, the more God told me to speak...to share. As time continues to pass on, I am learning more and more of why God wants me to share this with you. There are other people both believers and non-believers who are going through the very same thing I am going through and they need hope. The non-believer needs support and the hope of Jesus, while my fellow brothers and sisters need assurance that it’ll be okay. There is a lot of backlash in the Christian community for having any type of illness as if being a Christian means we become untouched by some of the unfortunate realities of the world. After being shamed for having severe anxiety by another Christian, I was edified by someone else. Her words play back in my mind everytime I think I am not good enough. She said “ We all live in a broken world and just because we are saved doesn’t change that. Until Jesus returns we will all be touched by the broken world. That means sometimes we will have illnesses.”
A year ago I got diagnosed with PCOS and was put on medicine to assist w that. A few months later I finally began seeing a Christian therapist who helped me cope with my anxiety disorder. Through therapy, medicine, and my service dog my anxiety began to decrease and become manageable. By the summer I was able to enjoy my hobbies and time spent with others without feeling tense the whole time. My panic attacks decreased to one or two a week. My health was finally looking up. I got diagnosed with one more neurological condition that made perfect sense and it was a good summer. House hunting, making new friends, being in weddings and enjoying life with my hubby and our three dogs. It wasn’t until September that my seizures came back.
When they came back I thought it was a reaction to a medication so i stopped taking it. Turns out, it wasn’t the medicine. That’s finally when I decided to see the neurologist again. I had seen him before for my chronic migraines, but this time we needed more answers.
Which all leads up to this past Tuesday. I journaled what happened during each seizure and my amazing neurologist was able to diagnose me with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. It is a hard one to diagnose because tests can come back normal since is deep in the brain. He told me that I was having focal aware and unaware seizures as well as myoclonic seizures. A wave of relieve rushed over me even though I felt a little numb inside. I finally knew what was wrong, yay. But… this meant that I have a disability that affects every area of my life and can happen unexpectedly. Unlike panic attacks where I am in control of my body still, or sensory overloads, or even migraines, seizures take you by the reins and there is nothing you can do while having one except wait it out. It can happen anywhere and has happened at times which were less than convenient. Trust me I am sick of falling down the stairs and am amazed that I don’t have a broken bone yet. Or when I had a seizure in the shower I was thankful I leaned against the wall rather than falling. Driving is out of the question for now and I need to be careful when doing some of my favorite hobbies. Swimming by myself isn’t a very safe thing to do anymore. I am vulnerable when alone somewhere in public if I have one. I could begin having permanent brain damage or die in my sleep. All of this is terrifying. Not to mention I absolutely HATE not being in control of myself. I am someone who is very independent. I like to excel at things, please people, and work my hardest at doing the Lord’s work. I don’t want to rely on the help of others. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of people by having a seizure. I just want to live a normal life like everyone else. I just want a successful career, to be a successful follower of Christ, and to be there for others. I want to help others...not others help me. I was always the one who everyone needs to lean on. My job is to make everyone else’s life better, not to burden them with mine. As you can tell, having chronic illnesses is not a walk in the park. I’d say the hardest thing I have been coming to terms with is fully surrendering to Christ and not living my life the way I think it needs to be lived.
Everything happens for a reason and I would say my biggest struggle is letting myself be weak. I want to be as perfect as possible and I strive for perfection in every aspect of my life. Sometimes I go overboard and go on my own strength instead of relying on Christ. Having epilepsy makes me have no choice but to let him work through me because it is impossible for me to go on my own strength. As hard as it is, I’ve been learning to hand my struggle over to Christ. I know that his plan is perfect and that he will use me for his glory, even though I am surely broken.
When I am weak he is STRONG.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 2:10) NIV
I realize more and more that I have been looking at it the wrong way, and God has gently revealed that to me as well. Recently he has told me to be still and know that he is God. He has also told me that he is bigger than any illness I have and that he has a mission for me, a purpose. I can’t see it in me, all I see is a genetic freak of a human being. But when he sees me he sees his daughter. I am going to trust in him that he knows what he is doing and that he has my back because our God is a good God and he has plans to bless us, not to harm us.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) NIV
I can trust that God is going to use my illnesses for his glory. He is going to provide all of my needs and has an important purpose for me. Even if my feelings say otherwise, those are fleeting so instead of holding onto those, I will hold onto truth. Friends, I know someone reading this needed to hear that God cares even if we are sick or feel worthless. God has a purpose for you and loves you. If you haven’t already, I urge you to accept the gift of salvation that Jesus gives to anyone who will believe. All it takes is asking Jesus into your heart and believing he is the Lord of all, the son of God who died for us. I promise you Christ is good and that there is nothing like knowing the Lord. Plus no struggle we go through in this life compares to the glory that will be realized to us in heaven.
It is okay to be broken and being broken doesn’t have to be a spiritual death sentence. Rather, God chooses anyone who will humble themselves before them. This journey I’m on will have some rough bumps, but I know and am eagerly expecting good to come out of this, even when the circumstance looks depressing. I hope that I can encourage you and show you Christ and what he has done in my life. Really, if someone I know accepts Christ because they have seen him at work in my life, I consider my entire life a success. Generalized Anxiety Disorder doesn’t define me. PCOS doesn’t define me. Sensory Processing Disorder doesn’t define me. Migraines don’t define me. Epilepsy doesn’t define me. Christ defines me!!!!
My next course of action is to finally rest in the Lord and trust his plan. Mikki has learned to assist w anxiety, alert to migraines and has shown she can alert to seizures too. She will continue training and will hopefully move on to being my full-time service dog. I am so thankful for her. I can’t wait to see what 2019 holds! I am hoping to put this Master’s Degree to use soon. I hope this blog has helped you feel encouraged and shows how good our God is even when we have uncertainty in our lives. God bless and Merry Christmas <3
P.S. like this post? Check out a few more favorites here:
https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2018/10/too-blessed-to-not-believe.html
https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2018/01/god-has-abundantly-blessed-me-through.html
and as always you can see all my blogposts on my main page <3
*** https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/ ***
God bless you and thank you for your support xoxo
Which all leads up to this past Tuesday. I journaled what happened during each seizure and my amazing neurologist was able to diagnose me with Temporal Lobe Epilepsy. It is a hard one to diagnose because tests can come back normal since is deep in the brain. He told me that I was having focal aware and unaware seizures as well as myoclonic seizures. A wave of relieve rushed over me even though I felt a little numb inside. I finally knew what was wrong, yay. But… this meant that I have a disability that affects every area of my life and can happen unexpectedly. Unlike panic attacks where I am in control of my body still, or sensory overloads, or even migraines, seizures take you by the reins and there is nothing you can do while having one except wait it out. It can happen anywhere and has happened at times which were less than convenient. Trust me I am sick of falling down the stairs and am amazed that I don’t have a broken bone yet. Or when I had a seizure in the shower I was thankful I leaned against the wall rather than falling. Driving is out of the question for now and I need to be careful when doing some of my favorite hobbies. Swimming by myself isn’t a very safe thing to do anymore. I am vulnerable when alone somewhere in public if I have one. I could begin having permanent brain damage or die in my sleep. All of this is terrifying. Not to mention I absolutely HATE not being in control of myself. I am someone who is very independent. I like to excel at things, please people, and work my hardest at doing the Lord’s work. I don’t want to rely on the help of others. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of people by having a seizure. I just want to live a normal life like everyone else. I just want a successful career, to be a successful follower of Christ, and to be there for others. I want to help others...not others help me. I was always the one who everyone needs to lean on. My job is to make everyone else’s life better, not to burden them with mine. As you can tell, having chronic illnesses is not a walk in the park. I’d say the hardest thing I have been coming to terms with is fully surrendering to Christ and not living my life the way I think it needs to be lived.
Everything happens for a reason and I would say my biggest struggle is letting myself be weak. I want to be as perfect as possible and I strive for perfection in every aspect of my life. Sometimes I go overboard and go on my own strength instead of relying on Christ. Having epilepsy makes me have no choice but to let him work through me because it is impossible for me to go on my own strength. As hard as it is, I’ve been learning to hand my struggle over to Christ. I know that his plan is perfect and that he will use me for his glory, even though I am surely broken.
When I am weak he is STRONG.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 2:10) NIV
I realize more and more that I have been looking at it the wrong way, and God has gently revealed that to me as well. Recently he has told me to be still and know that he is God. He has also told me that he is bigger than any illness I have and that he has a mission for me, a purpose. I can’t see it in me, all I see is a genetic freak of a human being. But when he sees me he sees his daughter. I am going to trust in him that he knows what he is doing and that he has my back because our God is a good God and he has plans to bless us, not to harm us.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11) NIV
I can trust that God is going to use my illnesses for his glory. He is going to provide all of my needs and has an important purpose for me. Even if my feelings say otherwise, those are fleeting so instead of holding onto those, I will hold onto truth. Friends, I know someone reading this needed to hear that God cares even if we are sick or feel worthless. God has a purpose for you and loves you. If you haven’t already, I urge you to accept the gift of salvation that Jesus gives to anyone who will believe. All it takes is asking Jesus into your heart and believing he is the Lord of all, the son of God who died for us. I promise you Christ is good and that there is nothing like knowing the Lord. Plus no struggle we go through in this life compares to the glory that will be realized to us in heaven.
It is okay to be broken and being broken doesn’t have to be a spiritual death sentence. Rather, God chooses anyone who will humble themselves before them. This journey I’m on will have some rough bumps, but I know and am eagerly expecting good to come out of this, even when the circumstance looks depressing. I hope that I can encourage you and show you Christ and what he has done in my life. Really, if someone I know accepts Christ because they have seen him at work in my life, I consider my entire life a success. Generalized Anxiety Disorder doesn’t define me. PCOS doesn’t define me. Sensory Processing Disorder doesn’t define me. Migraines don’t define me. Epilepsy doesn’t define me. Christ defines me!!!!
My next course of action is to finally rest in the Lord and trust his plan. Mikki has learned to assist w anxiety, alert to migraines and has shown she can alert to seizures too. She will continue training and will hopefully move on to being my full-time service dog. I am so thankful for her. I can’t wait to see what 2019 holds! I am hoping to put this Master’s Degree to use soon. I hope this blog has helped you feel encouraged and shows how good our God is even when we have uncertainty in our lives. God bless and Merry Christmas <3
P.S. like this post? Check out a few more favorites here:
https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2018/10/too-blessed-to-not-believe.html
https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/2018/01/god-has-abundantly-blessed-me-through.html
and as always you can see all my blogposts on my main page <3
*** https://traveldogloverangel.blogspot.com/ ***
God bless you and thank you for your support xoxo
