Let me preface this with saying I am biracial half black half white. I am very light skinned, but you can’t deny I am a person of color when you see me and I am usually neutral on many issues, but this is one that I can’t be neutral on.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15 NIV
I don’t even know where to begin… I have so many thoughts, so many emotions. My heart and head hurts so bad right now. There was once a time where I thought police killing people of color, and specifically black people, was a rare thing. A time where I was told that saying black lives matter was bad because it implied that I was saying that only black lives mattered and that I needed to be sure I said all lives mattered because whenever I said it people who were not black would tell me I was wrong. So I would change my wording so I didn’t upset people. There was a time when I thought racism was mostly gone, despite the COUNTLESS encounters I have experienced and my family members and friends have experienced over the years. Anytime I spoke up, I was always told America is great and I need to quit trying to start a race war. I was told that most white people aren’t racist. As for the ones who were to me, I just need to forget about the people who have mistreated me and let it go. I need to just forget and move on and it will go away. Different that forgive, I always forgive, but they wanted me to straight out forget it ever happened. If I mentioned it, it was an annoyance. Like why are you bringing that up again? What is wrong with you?.. type of thing. Well guess what?! IT DIDN’T GO AWAY! It is here just as much as it was then, if not even worse. I have experienced more racist encounters in my past few adult years than I have my entire life, with two of them almost costing me my life, when I DID nothing wrong. Thankfully, I am still alive to tell my story. But sadly, Breonna Taylor and George Floyd are not. They are dead and they did nothing to deserve it. They are dead because racism is alive and it’s not just a few white supremacists here and there. It has infiltrated the justice system, the police system, the way people view and treat us people of color, the school systems, etc. I can’t keep quite anymore. I need to speak up and share my experiences and the experiences some of my friends and family have experienced so that you can learn AND so that we can move toward CHANGE. White privilege does exist and if that makes you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. Actually, no I am not. God didn’t call us to live a comfortable life. He called us to live a life where we show the love of Jesus to others. Well how can we show the love of Jesus if we actively ignore our Black brothers and sisters that are hurting? How!? So please, I beg you, please read this post entirely. I hope it finds you well. It has a much more forward tone than my normal posts because it needs to. I need your attention. Do I have it now? Thank you.
Let me first clarify that it is a misunderstanding that the saying black lives matter is meant to denounce other lives. The reason we are all saying it now is because it has become apparent, especially during this covid19 pandemic, that Americans do not believe “All lives matter” because in just a few weeks so many innocent black lives have been taken by the police and people just blindly turned an eye. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but we have reached our breaking point. Yes you may say that police kill people all of the time. But may I ask you something. Why can white people who actually killed people, like Dylan Roof, who shot black people attending a church service, be gently handcuffed and placed in a police vehicle, while excessive force is usually always used on people of color, especially black people? Why not throw Dylan Roof to the ground when he actually murdered people? I don’t understand. Ok it’s not just that either. Most of my black friends have all had guns pulled on them by police when they have done no harm and guess what, I have had that happen to me too. Yes, about hmm 7-8 years ago while I was dating my ex we were stargazing in the parking lot of a mall right around when it was closing on a fall evening in Athens, Ohio. Suddenly a police car pulls up and the cop jumps out and pulls out his gun. He points it at both of us at first, before keeping it only pointed at me. I have really bad anxiety (as you know from my other blog posts on my disabilities) but during stressful situations I am super calm. My dad (who is black) always told me to stay calm when dealing with any authority because of respect and because of safety, so I remembered that. I instantly put my hands in the air and did whatever the cop asked of me. He wanted to run our IDs but he kept the gun pointed at me until my ex handed over his, even after I handed over mine. He HAD his HAND ON THE TRIGGER the whole time. I honestly am glad I didn’t get shot. Wonder what would have happened if it would have just been me or if I would have been there with a black boyfriend instead of a white boyfriend. My dad has had cops stop him for no reason before because of him driving in nice suburbs at nice and frisk him (back in the 80s before I was born) because he was driving around with my mom (who is white). As you can see this problem has been around a long time, but it seems to get worse especially as of late. And I can’t sit back any longer. I need to stand up for the black men out there. I need to stand up for my community. And we need your support too. We need you to stand with us and to empathize with us, please.
I am overwhelmed by the support I have received by the church (my local one and the overall church), friends, strangers, acquaintances and people I have never seen speak out before. I am thankful that we are standing together because we need to make this world a better place. You have asked how you can help us make a change in the world to help stop the racism that is still deep rooted, and that you’re listening, so I decided to share some not so obvious ways that myself and other black people experience racism so that you can better understand. You can help us by correcting your family and friends when you see them acting or speaking inappropriately. You can be our allies, together as one. You can speak up and use your voice because stubborn people who are white are more likely to listen to a white person than they are to listen to black people. A lot of times when a black person tries to bring up inequalities we go through, white people get upset because they don’t go through what we do and are blinded to what we face. Since they don’t face what we do, they don’t see it as a problem and they get upset that we keep bringing it up and the dialogue often gets cut off. So those of you who are listening, please keep sharing our stories and the message so that more people can learn. We really are treated as less than by a lot of people and I had an epiphany the other day after talking with someone that some of my self esteem issues I still face are in fact because of microaggressions and subtle racist encounters. More on that in a min. Anyway, the constant things we deal with that remind us we are less white people takes a toll on us mentally, physically, etc. It’s hard. It’s a lot more than even what you see. But of course the biggest thing we WANT is to be ABLE to LIVE without the FEAR of being killed suddenly, or our loved ones being killed. WE want justice for innocent victims like George Floyd and we want more change to follow from there.
Racism comes in many forms. It is not always overt. I have experienced very overt racism a few times, but most of the time it’s subtle. Both are damaging, but I actually think subtle racism is more damaging because most people who do it don’t really think they’re being racist, or they don’t see the harm in it because they have the power to do it and nothing can stop them. What has damaged my sense of self esteem over the years is the subtle racism and what keeps society functioning with systematic racism is the dangerous subtle racism, the turning of heads, the being okay with things how they are, the not caring because it doesn’t concern you.I’d rather you straight out call me the “N” word so I know where you stand then you pretend to be my friend while trying to make me conform to what you want me to be. Hold on, I’m getting there. I had someone I once held as a best friend of mine. She was white from a very small town in Ohio. I won’t name her, of course, but we no longer talk. It is the subtle racism that infiltrates the system and gets into things like the police force. I am not saying all cops are bad here, but listen if it is so easy for people to hide their racism, then surely it is easy for a cop to. Most of the times it was very slight hints I’d get here and there until boom it would all pour out one day for no reason. Like one day a guy I liked in high school and I got into a fight when we had become good friends. I don’t really know what happened, but he had his friends call me and they called me an “UGLY @SS N#%&*” and that stung. That was the first time I experienced racism that I can recall, like obvious racism. But I am sure there were other signs I had missed beforehand.
But on the other hand, overt racism is just as dangerous, it’s just you don’t see it as often as most people would rather hide it. Once on the way to a family reunion in Kentucky my grandma stopped at a diner in a very very small town in WV with my mom and I. It was a place my grandfather was from. I had never been. Well low and behold the minute I walk inside, everyone stops talking and turns to stare at me. The entire time we were there people kept looking at me and they brought my food out 20 mins later. I didn’t trust the food and waited to eat until we got to my relatives home. That could have been worse and I bet what kept me safe was having my white side of the family with me. But was was ACTUALLY a life or death situation for me was two years ago when I was walking my dogs near my old apartment in Westerville, Ohio. I was a few streets away on a residential sidewalk just minding my business walking my three small dogs at the time, who were all very mannered when I hear a man and his son making remarks on my hair. I could tell from the tone these weren’t friendly remarks. I decided to ignore them and hope they would hush if I didn’t engage. However something felt strange and then I heard him tell his son “this is how you aim at your target” so I looked up. He had a bow and arrow pointed at me. I was terrified so I quickly ran with my dogs. I was scared. I hurried home. I didn’t call the police because I didn’t know if it would help and I was too afraid to go around the man again. And to be honest, I am actually afraid of the police. I understand there are plenty of good cops. I am not trying to be disrespectful,but I am scared that I will come across the one who hurts me so I don’t want to take the chance. I don’t want to get hurt or have my dogs shot and killed in front of me. I know my story isn’t the only one, my is one of thousands which is why I am speaking up.
So what are some of the subtle ways people show racism, which are known as microaggressions? How would you feel if someone tells you that you are an awesome friend and they like everything about you, and that you are pretty much WHITE except you hair is a DEAD give away that you’re BLACK. How does that sound? Do you think that makes someone feel good? That former friend I mentioned said that to me one day, out of the blue. I was taken aback, I honestly didn’t know what to say. But I did know it hurt because I knew she didn’t like me for who I am and she wanted to pretend I was white so she could like me because me having black in me made me not “worthy” of being her friend. She still tries to reach out sometimes, but we do not hang out. I will not be around someone who cannot accept someone for who I am. The sad thing is I still tried to justify what she said for months after, which shows that I do in fact have some self healing I still need to work on. More microaggressions? When “friends” tell you liking jazz and other “non-white” music is not as good as their “white” music and that you need to quit listening to that garbage. People telling you that you look so much prettier when your hair is straightened, relaxed, not in its natural state. People saying lighter skinned black people look better (So NOT TRUE all BLACK SKIN IS BEAUTIFUL!). Oh other microaggressions I’ve gotten is that my facial features give it away that I’m black. That my “monkey” nose is and ugly black persons nose. Yes it goes back to the slave days that racist people compare us black people to monkeys and gorillas, sick. I’ve had white people I know tell me that I don’t act black and I should just choose my white side. So ya, someone I met a few months ago told me I have seem to have some sort of trauma because at times I seem to be very self deprecating and self hating. I wondered why and she said could it be the way you were treated. And I had an epiphany. I believe a lot of me thinking I am never good enough, thinking I must always please people, and prove myself is because how much hate I’ve gotten all my life. I am going to seek Jesus for the proper continued healing. Another good friend and friend who is like a big sister in Christ to me said she believes I have had hurt somewhere and I need to ask Jesus to reveal the source so I can be healed. Well, he answered my prayers. Thank you Jesus now I and my other black brothers and sisters can get the healing we need and the CHANGE.
I think I might need a whole other blog post to cover white privilege because it isn’t a quick topic. But I will address it briefly and I encourage you to look into some other good resources to learn more about it. Many think white privilege is just about money and so when you bring it up the response is “I’ve had a hard life too and I haven’t always been well off” or something to that extent. The problem with this is that it is not just about money honey. Privilege is not having to worry about police using excessive force on you. Privilege is being able to protest opening the country back up during a pandemic (which was closed for our safety) with your guns, with no police force, while peaceful protesters (not the rioters) were tear gassed. Privilege is not having someone at a store threaten to call the police on you because you hold up a bra to see what it looks like (yes in high school at Victoria’s Secret my black friends were asked to leave the store for holding up a bra and taking a picture of it because they assumed they were going to steal. My white friends did the same exact thing and were not asked to leave).Privilege is being able to safely walk or jog in a neighborhood without someone wanting to hurt you because of your race. Privilege is when you think YOU can RUN you HANDS through my hair when YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME because you’ve never felt my type of hair before and you must know what it feels like. Privilege is not having to fight for your rights because you already have them secure.
I have a lot of friends of all walks of life. When I pick my friends, I choose them because of the content of their heart. However because I have had some people actually come straight out and say they don’t care about justice and change, I decided to test the waters a bit and ask each of my close friends how they felt about the George Floyd murder and about justice and change. I will say, most of them of course gave the responses I expected, full support and love. But a few gave some questionable responses and some have remained completely silent. I understand you may not know what to say right now because you don’t know what you can do. But why don’t you ask? Or at least show you support justice. The silent hurts and it really speaks to me that you don’t care about me. Especially because right now I have actually had people I thought I could trust posting very racist things on Facebook, such as someone posting how she wants to run over and kill black people. So I really need your encouragement and affirmation right now. And I always bend over backwards for any of my friends, not because I expect anything in return, but because I love you. But if you don’t love me for all of me.. I, I don’t know what to say. Please say something. Please even if it’s as simple as I am with you. I support you. I love you. I care about you. I want justice for you and the black community. Please. I don’t know how much I can keep dealing with silence from people I thought were my friends and then fighting people coming at me with hatred too because that has been ramped up too. Do you love me for all of me? Or are you like the former friend I mentioned above who just liked me because she wanted to try and pretend I was white and make me fit her mold. Let me know, message me. Text me. And if you use social media, speak out. Post something one more voice makes a difference.
A friend loves at all times,
and a brother is born for a time of adversity. Proverbs 17:17 NIV
The reason we need your support now more than ever is because people are finally listening and change is underway, but we cannot do it on our own. We need people on our side, who will help us. Jesus doesn’t like any of his people to be oppressed or hurt, so if you are a Christ follower you should want to join in on helping. If you were being hurt in any way you know I’d be there fighting for you too. I am going to share some scriptures for times such as these. Also I don’t agree with the violent riots (As a Christian). That is all I am going to say on that. Don’t let those lose the message though, please. As for me, I am going to continue to pray for justice and I will pray for my enemies because they need Jesus too and that is what God calls us to do. I know God is on the move and we must keep trusting him. Things are going to get a bit rough for a while but in the end it will be better. God knows what he is doing. If you haven't already, please ask Jesus into your heart. He wishes that none perish and all it takes is a sincere heart and desiring him to be your savior. God bless you!
The Lord reigns forever; he has established his throne for judgment.
He rules the world in righteousness and judges the peoples with equity.
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.
Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
Sing the praises of the Lord, enthroned in Zion; proclaim among the nations what he has done.
For he who avenges blood remembers; he does not ignore the cries of the afflicted. Psalm 9: 7-12 NIV
This is what the Lord Almighty said: ‘Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another. Zechariah 7:9 NIV
