2020 has been one of the craziest, hardest, most unpredictable years of any of our lives, at least for me. I started off with my optimistic I can get through this attitude because that is my default mode whenever something crazy comes into my life. My default mode, which isn’t correct… is to rely on my own strength… to prove how well I can manage all of the challenges thrown my way without the slightest wince because I want to show how well put together I am. I don’t like people to see me as that anxious girl, depressed girl, that girl with all of those health problems, or the “burden” when my “job” is to help and be their for everyone else. I love love LOVE encouraging everyone else and helping them through whatever difficulties in life they’re going through. We are called to love one another and I’d like to think I do that well. But, I learned this year that there is a huge flaw to how I operate as a Christian. I pray, ask God to guide me, and I show his love to others, but there was something I was missing. I was doing things on my own. If I got things right I was like yes God is so happy with me right now and whenever I messed up, I would be sad for days...because surely God was mad at me and still mad at me. I was going off of my strength and what I WAS DOING FOR GOD instead of letting HIM WORK THROUGH ME and that is a BIG mistake a lot of us make and it really robs us of a lot of things from peace to joy, freedom in Christ, etc. I’ll share more in a bit. But for now I will share how running on my own strength led to me falling into my deepest darkest moments of depression I have ever faced. And YES Christians can AND do struggle with Depression. It’s okay and there is hope for both the believer and non believer.
As Covid and the lockdowns continued on and on it felt never ending, but I tried my best to keep my eyes on the bigger picture remembering that Christ is in control and that it won’t last forever. But I won’t lie, I begin to feel very lonely and scared. I am part of the vulnerable population as is my sister, mother, and father. Hearing how scary the virus is and how deadly it can be was terrifying. Trying my best not to live in fear I would cry out to God and pray for the world as I saw deaths go up in Italy and France, and then eventually the US. Then I began to feel disconnected from people I knew when I saw some people call the entire virus a hoax and make fun of people who wore masks, even when it was mandated by the government. I saw other Christians making fun of believers and non-believers and I was so confused at the division and hatred I was seeing and my heart was so heavy because I don’t like division. I like peace and love. I especially don’t like seeing anyone who calls themselves a believer intentionally being mean to someone else. By June when there were several killings of Black people… so I spoke about it and I shared instances over the years I have experienced racism (I’m Biracial), such as a situation where a man pointed his bow and arrow at me for walking my dogs in my former neighborhood of Westerville, Ohio. I was so disheartened when people I cared about told me my experiences didn’t matter. And even worse, I had a friend disown me because I said we should have compassion toward the Black community during the racial tension time because racism unfortunately still exists. Some people began posting very racial things on my Facebook and I lost a few other people I thought were my friends. That is when I began to really question why I was still on this earth. Because I was losing friends like crazy, no one was listening to anyone, there was hatred everywhere, I was just like what was the point.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years now, but that was the first point I was actually contemplating thinking of taking my life. I was just thinking of how and when. I was convinced anyone who still talked to me was only doing so out of obligation because they wanted to be a “nice” Christian and that I annoyed them. After all I was just a mixed girl who didn’t belong anywhere in this world and I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, anxiety, depression. What a mess right? I thought God was done with me. So for a few weeks I would secretly think of who my husband could love if I were gone. How I could cut ties with my best friends without them knowing what I was up to. But, at my lowest God had a PLAN. He ALWAYS DOES for all of us!
Somehow despite me wanting to push everyone away, I felt compelled to reach out to a few of my best friends and text them a lot. I eventually told them a bit of how I was feeling, trying not to divulge everything. One of them picked up on signs and said I needed to start seeing a therapist ASAP and my husband also picked up the signs and made me tell him what was wrong. So I agreed, nervously as it had been two years since I had seen one. The other one I was afraid of how she would react because I had never shared so much of my struggles with her. I mean I have but not like that much at once. And I was sure she would dump me as a friend because that’s what most people do when they realize I’m not perfect and I also have struggles. But...she was so empathetic (which I already knew about her because that’s what I always admired about her from the second I laid eyes on her in college. Yes I can know everything I need to know about someone within a few seconds of meeting them thanks to the gift of Discernment (Thanks Holy Spirit :) ) and she gave me the best Biblical advice. And God used her to give my husband Robbie and I a huge answer to a prayer we have been praying for years. Right before I began seeing my new therapist, her church began a series on Mental Health and she said she thought I might be interested, so she sent me the link to the sermon. Well, her pastor is a counselor and Christian who also has struggled with Mental Health and lost his sister when he was a teenager to suicide, so he definitely knows the importance of mental health. He doesn’t judge the way many churches have wrongly been taught...and he shared how many people in the Bible dealt with and suffered from mental illness. I will share a few examples here:
Therefore now, O Lord, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live. Jonah 4:3 NIV
When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb. 2 Samuel 17:23 NIV
It was such of a breath of fresh air hearing a pastor share the truth that there is hope when we experience this and that God isn’t mad at us for this. Rather he wants to comfort us and heal us. But in the fallen world we will experience mental illness just like regular illness until Jesus returns. The beautiful thing is that God gives us doctors to help, medicine, friends and family, and BEST of all he is always there to comfort us with his TRUTH (his Word) and Holy Spirit. After the online sermon Robbie and I had to see check out the church in person and we fell in love with it. After the series finished we realized it was the church we have been praying for. It teaches from the Bible, no false doctrines or false movements that many churches have fallen prey to. Right now we are learning about how the Bible passes the test of being a true book for one who is an unbeliever and may be a skeptic, and we are also learning about false doctrines that arose right after the church began, such as the gnostics and the first cults. Why does this matter? Because these false teachings are STILL indoctrinating are churches today. Like the teachings of Judaizers, which puts us under the law. It makes one believe that their salvation can be lost and that their works are what saves them. Sometimes I didn’t realize I was falling into this by punishing myself whenever I would fail. My new church teaches the TRUTH that our hope is in CHRIST alone and that rather than us doing something for Christ...we are to surrender each day to Jesus and let HIM work through us. We are the vessel and HE does the work. It’s not about us because we are flawed. We just have to be willing. And we have freedom to get back up whenever we mess up. And because we all are flawled there are no pedestals. No putting people above others. We are all equal and all able to serve. We are no better than the non-believer, we just have a hope. And our job is to share that Hope in LOVE. Christ’s gift of salvation is free to anyone. How you get it is by humbling yourself and recognizing you are a sinner and that you need a savior. So you pray to Jesus asking him to be your Savior and to cleanse you of your sins and he will take care of the rest. He will guide you where you need to be from there because He has the perfect plan. And with so much uncertainty right now Jesus could be coming back anytime now and I want you to come with me so my hope and prayer is that you accept Jesus tonight so that I can see you in Heaven with me :)
Since I have been going to therapy and going to my new church I have been finally growing again because I realize it’s about me surrendering to Christ and I don’t need to be a perfectionist. I am okay to make mistakes. And God will use me where I am even with my uncontrolled seizures, chronic migraines, anxiety, and depression. I am coming to terms with some things in my past too such learning where my lack of self love stemmed from, which goes back from when I was much younger, and loving myself as I am. I am learning to not care about the opinions of others or who I make angry as long as I am treating others well and choosing to live according to Christ. This year I learned who my true friends are, and they are a lot fewer than who I actually thought. But I know they love me to the ends of the earth and back just like I love them the same way and I am so thankful. I am so glad I have them and I am so excited for my new opportunity to grow at my new church. And when I thought God couldn’t use me because my chronic illnesses are still so bad, he has. I have been able to share about the wonderful messages my church has been teaching with several people recently. Some from my old church. Some are online friends from Canada hehe. God is still working on me, I am still having to surrender each day and right now several times a day as I am very anxious about what happens the next few weeks. Honestly I am scared whatever the outcome is because of the division I have seen. But I am reminding myself that God is still on the throne. I pray that you are blessed and that you are having a wonderful week <3. Remember 2020 still isn’t over yet, you can still end it strong!
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:4-7 NIV
For we live by faith, not by sight 2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Psalm 23: 5-6 NIV
