Outcast

The thing I struggle most in this life is the recurring feelings and thoughts of being a burden to everyone/ an outcast. It’s something that has eaten away at me since I was a young kid because no matter what I did or how hard I tried to be liked and loved, I would have people let me know how little I meant to them. As I have grown older I have learned to not care as much what people think or say about me, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m an inferior human being, less than, a failure, a reject when I have people say or do things to me that are just mean. I suspect I am not the only one that struggles with this. In fact, after recently having a conversation with a good friend, I was able to put a name to what I and anyone else who feels this way is experiencing: The Spirit of Rejection.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 NIV

The Spirit of Rejection is a demonic spirit that Satan (the devil) uses as a ploy to bring us down and steal our joy. It works by preying on our deepest fears and getting us to believe that we are unloved, unwanted, annoying, inferior, incapable, etc. He uses it to diminish our worth and to get us to question why we even try. It can interfere with any type of relationship as often one being attacked by this spirit feels the need to distance themselves from everyone. The worst thing about it is that it hinders our relationship with God because it can make us believe the lies that God doesn’t love us anymore, that we have upset him one too many times, or that we don’t really have a purpose in being alive. This spirit I suspect attacks most of us actually, just perhaps some more than others. You can be the most talented artist, professor, actor, pastor, and still struggle with this. It will convince you that you aren’t as deserving of the respect and recognition you get. It will convince you that nothing you do is ever enough and that everyone else is so much better qualified and more loved than you are. Some think positive thinking will stop the spiritual attack, but it isn’t quite that easy. For starters, it isn’t easy for us to identify when we are being attacked because the devil uses subtle ways to steal, divide, and conquer. He will convince us that it is true and that we are just thinking about the truth. Also, it isn’t just random thoughts. The Spirit of Rejection stems from times we were actually rejected and I have seen the spirit have random strangers say outlandish things to me before which I believe was also the spirit at work.

Like I mentioned before, I have dealt with rejection since a young child. In elementary school I was called weird because I was shy. In middle school it got way worse as I was made fun of for being biracial: my hair was called ugly poodle hair and I was told I was too light skinned to be a true mixed girl. I was called fat, annoying, etc. The thing that hurt the worst was when a girl told me she hated that I was alive and that I existed. She said she wished I were dead and some other girls cheered her on and laughed when I cried. High school was better in a sense that I wasn’t bullied, but I still experienced rejection. Almost every boy I liked thought I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was too nice and clingy, and just did not like me. I was invisible to a lot of people because I wasn’t into going to wild parties and because I was boring since I wasn’t into things other people were like drinking and sex. I didn’t mind that because I wanted to live a Godly life, but when I wasn’t included in things like yearbook planning, prom planning, or anything else I wanted to join in, I definitely felt rejected. When I was sexually assaulted, not once but twice, before I was 18, I felt rejected. I felt dirty and as if I were permanently damaged. Both were out of my control one happened with an older stranger male in a store and the other time was a supposed to be boyfriend. Then there was the crush I had that I never admitted because I was afraid of the rejection I would face from family and friends since it wasn’t what they would desire or expect for me. The only person who knew was the crush themselves because it was mutual. So I kept that hidden all the while feeling confused.

In college I didn’t really experience rejection from people I wanted to be friends with or guys, so that was a nice break. I finally felt able to be me and was trusting God to use me for his glory. Where I had a huge blow to my confidence and that overwhelming stomach turning feeling of rejection return was in the last place I expected to find it: “ a Christian” group. Many of the other leaders made it quite known they didn’t like me no matter how hard I tried to please them and show how committed I was to serving Christ. Since it was a Christian group this time and not just one person, I had the feeling that I really was a reject and I was ready to accept my defeat. I was about to give up on trying to live for Christ because if even Christians didn’t like me, who would? But God made sure that even when I was rejected by those Christians that he would bring Christians into my life who cherished me and reminded me of my worth.

Rejection is something I have had from certain family members too. And I get it from complete strangers. I have had strangers make racist remarks right in front of me before. Or like two weeks ago I had strangers make rude comments loudly on my hair. When it happens so much it is easy to accept that identity as our true identity. Then it becomes easy to view everything from that perspective. It becomes easy to think that God rejects us as well and that all of our loved ones feel that way. It becomes easy to withdraw from everyone out of fear and to worry that everyone will abandon us at one point. It becomes easy to give up. But please don’t give up because there is hope and what you are experiencing is lies. You do matter to your loved ones and friends. You are so valuable to God and not a reject. You were worth dying for don’t forget the ultimate sacrifice made because of how loved you are. Still as much as I know all of these truths, I still get sucked into the trap again and again. Each time I learn more about identifying when that spirit is attacking and I pray that Jesus take it away.

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Galatians 4:4-5 NIV

Our only fight against this spirit is to pray that Jesus show us his truth, his love for us, and give us his strength to resist the attack. Turning to God’s word and reading verses on his love for us and our worth help to combat the lies. Also please share when you are struggling with doubt and rejection with those you trust because they will help remind you of how loved you are and pray for you too. Rejection is an awful thing and is part of this awful world but it isn’t our true identity. We are not rejects, we are beloved. When we accept Christ we become children of God and are adopted. We become sons and daughters of Christ, joint heirs with the creator of the entire universe. Adoption is the opposite of rejection. If we are God’s children, then we are the opposite of rejection. May God bless you and remember you are not a reject. You are so much more :) This struggle may be a lifelong one for me but the good news is that God is always waiting to remind me of my worth and lavish his love on me. The same is true for you friend.

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4 NIV

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36:7 NIV