Purpose

Purpose is a word that I keep coming back to, especially lately. What is my purpose? I know that my purpose is to serve God and Jesus and to give him glory. But it’s not that easy. What do I mean? Well I know what my purpose is but it is hard because I don’t always know what that looks like in my life. Everyday I am bombarded with society’s expectation of me as a woman, a person with a Master’s degree, and someone who is in their late 20s. Society tells me that I need to be skinny to be pretty and that my ethnic curly hair needs to be better managed. Heck I’ve even had a “friend” tell me, no more than one friend for that matter, that I am basically white except for my hair. The other friend told me she’d hate to be me and have my hair. Society tells me that I need to have my dream career yesterday and that I should be making at least 80k a year right now since I just completed my Master’s. If I don’t get that dream job soon then something is wrong me. Society and numerous people, both people I know and strangers, keep pushing the question of why I don’t have any kids yet. I’m 26 and have been married almost 3 years. It is time for me to have kids, time for me to have my life 100% together.

It’s not just society that pushes expectations on me. It’s the church as well. Many well meaning Christians have told me that anxiety isn’t real or that it is solely a sign of me not trusting Jesus enough. Some think that my illnesses are a result of me not trusting God to heal me because surely he will heal me of every ailment I ever have because he’s God and I’m his child. When people find out I have several chronic illnesses some are understanding, while some are quiet like crickets. Oh and if you bring up any ways that you struggle with sin you are often met with judgement and isolation. Some sins are seen as “worse” than others. Some things I wish pastors would touch on are often missed. If we expect to be a generation that revives our society and shows them Christ in love, then we need to be aware of everything going on in the world and be mindful of how we can be welcoming and loving toward the nonbeliever. Truth should always be shared in love and not in judgement.

When you’re my age you often feel hidden because you’re too old to “need” guidance but too “young” to have major problems. And it’s hard to not get confused when so many things are thrown at you. I am expected to know things like my sexual orientation (which is apparently not something as simple as heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, etc.), where I stand on everything politically, etc. I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that is where I base my morals and decisions. However, I see many churches say that certain verses mean different things and things can get muddy. I’m going to be honest and really vulnerable for a minute because I really think people need to see a Christian admit their faults. Sometimes I get confused on what is right and wrong. Sometimes there are so many different things being thrown my way that I lose sight of what my purpose is / who it comes from and I feel like a failure.

For instance, I feel like I’m behind when I see so many people my age having kids and I don’t have any, with no plans to in the near future as God has told us not to worry about it right now. I feel like I need to have my dream job already because since I have a Master’s degree I need to be successful. If I don’t have kids then I at least need to have a fantastic job so that I am adequately contributing to society, and doing enough with my life. My current job isn’t enough because it’s not using my degree. I feel useless, like a burden because I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, PCOS, anxiety disorder, and sensory processing disorder. I hate that my body has seizures at random and some days I have like more than 20 along with a migraine so I can’t always make it to work. It’s hard to see myself as anything useful for God on those days when I feel like there is no point to my life. It’s hard not to see me as someone who desperately wants to succeed at her purpose but can’t because she has too many obstacles in the way. Or I am reminded of my shortcomings in the past that further cement that I will never achieve my purpose. Might as well give up, I’ve said before. And I hate letting down those I care about. I want nothing more than to make them happy 24/7. How can God really have a purpose for me to further his kingdom when I am such a mess?! I know many of you reading this have felt this way. I also know that my feelings are fleeting and that as a broken human being I can see things only through my human eyes sometimes instead of the eyes of the Lord.

It is when I am weak that God is strong. His gentle voice tells me that I am his beloved child and that he has great plans for me. He reminds me of scriptures that speak of truth and the fact that I do have a purpose beyond what I can see. God is working in the background. I do mean something to those around me and my life is having an impact on others. I am being used to bring him glory and there is a purpose in everything that happens in my life. I have to trust that God is the ultimate decider on what my purpose is and that what he has for me is perfect Here’s what God says when it comes to our purpose:

• Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21 NIV)
• But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations (Psalm 33:11 NIV)
• And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 NIV)
• “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

As we can see from the verses above God is the ultimate decider of what our purpose is even when it is hard for us to see it, or we get confused. His purpose will be done, his will done and nothing can stop that. He has good for those who love him and not bad, so that means that even when we are uncertain we can know that good will come if we trust him. We can know that even if we are confused or stressed, or feeling like a failure...that God is bigger than those things and because he is the ruler of the universe his awesome purpose for us will be fulfilled. When I read these verses it gives me peace knowing that I don’t need to worry about my purpose because God has my back and he has yours too friend if you trust in him. Jesus died for our sins and when we accept that gift God has a purpose that is bigger and more amazing that we could ever imagine. It also takes the pressure off of trying to hard to figure out our purpose or to label ourselves because God will do that for us. Our label is beloved child of the King and our purpose is being unveiled little by little. 

I have come a long way in my journey of letting go of people pleasing and letting God work in me. I’ve been learning to accept who I am and love myself and it’s great. Along the way I have made some great friends and I have even had some cool opportunities such as interacting with my favorite actress Yael Grobglas from Israel. She encouraged me the other day actually when I mentioned an instance when I was belittled for being me. If you have ever felt like it is hard to discover your purpose friends, then please take note that God has the perfect plan and purpose for you. He is sovereign and while he doesn’t reveal it all to us at one time, he has it under control. Every single one of you matter and have a very unique and specific purpose. Each of you help make this world a better place and our creator knew that when he designed you. So dream big and trust God. I am working toward trusting him more and more each day, while also enjoying living in the moment. And I am pursuing my dreams too, including befriending an actress because why not? They’re people too lol. God bless you and I hope you know how precious you are <3