A little over a year ago I remember sitting in my living room in tears wondering why I would feel so empty after giving my all to people I loved and cared about. My supposed “best friend” and her sister would want to hang out with me at least a few times a month and each time I felt as if I couldn’t be myself. I was super anxious and uncomfortable...and it was because of what went on during our times together. My friend’s sister in particular was extremely blunt, rude, controlling, and self-centered. My friend knew this and yet she still always dragged her sister along because her sister was “lonely”. Let me backup for a minute and mention that this friend and her sister were the ones who killed the dog that was supposed to be my first dog. I’m sure you’re thinking now, “why on earth would I go around them again?” Honestly, I ask myself that question all the time and the answer really boiled down to me believing them when they said they were sorry and had changed, and because I felt bad for my friend. I was her only friend and many times she would point that out. Her sister would say that my friend needed me...and I took that to heart. We had been besties for almost 15 years at that point, so I felt awful at the thought of cutting her off. In my mind I was convinced that I had to put up with emotional abuse because they were lost and needed God’s love. I believed that if I put up with it long enough that they would eventually change and accept Christ into their hearts, or at the very least, learn to respect me for our differing viewpoints. I was wrong. Very wrong.
For months I had endured being told the following by them:
- I was stupid
- I wasted my time getting a Master’s
- My marriage can’t be that good
- I should get rid of my cats because cats suck
- Don’t I dare consider getting a house in a suburb.
- That I belonged in the bad area that I grew up in and that was where I was meant to stay
- That my religion, being a Christ follower that is, was meaningless
- Don’t buy that, you can’t possibly afford that since you live in New Albany now( It was a $10 scent plug in from bath and body works) I was well aware of my budget and always have been.
- Dont get that kind of dog because it’s stupid, labs are better
- That I was fat and had terrible hair(mind you they are both obese...but that is neither here nor there)
- Oh and during my bachelorette weekend, my “friend” acted like a spoiled brat because we had to walk a bit. She literally laid down on the sidewalk throwing fit.
This isn’t the only toxic relationship I had in my life. There are also some other acquaintances and family members that Robbie and I have had to deal with that are very emotionally manipulative and abusive as well. These people would put us down, disregard my Master’s degree, act as if I am irresponsible and dumb, try to control everything I did, act as if my husband wasn’t good for me. Try and put a wedge in our marriage. A few even tried get rid of me/ convince my hubby that he was better off without me. The thing is, we were doing nothing wrong. I was loving my husband and he was loving me. We were enjoying making choices together as a married couple. We put God and Jesus at the center of our decisions and relationship, and many didn’t like that. We were basically was expected to put up with crap because we were the “nice ones”. So ya, I was up to my eyes in feeling like the world would be better off without me and surrendering to the demands the toxic people...but God had other plans. One day I was reading posts in a Christian blogging group and this one woman twisted God’s word in a terrible way. I was explaining to her the truth and this other nice lady helped back me up with scripture. Eventually we gave up trying because it was clear this girl was a troll or something. After that, I messaged her because I appreciated her helping me out and that’s when our friendship began.
A few days later I texted her to wish her a happy mother’s day, and she thanked me while also sharing how she and her mom no longer talked because her mother was an abusive narcissist. As she explained what her mother had done to her...I began connecting the dots. These toxic people we were dealing with also were narcissists. You see, narcissism is more than being self-absorbed. A narc is ALWAYS right and never wrong. A narc thrives on getting attention when he or she wants it, at the expense of others. They will often pretend to be Christians, but through their actions it is obvious that they are not. Christ followers do not manipulate and abuse others. They also gaslight and move the goal post….they will convince you that you are the worst human alive. That nothing you do is good enough. That you must do everything for them and that you owe it to them. That you aren’t able to make decisions on your own and that you need their expertise. They will act as if their life is horrible and that you need to run to the ends of the earth to fix it. They rely on you to get gratification and feel good. They don't know how to manage their own emotions. Deep down inside they feel self-conscious, but they cover that up by making others feel bad. They don’t like it if you don’t make them your #1. They don’t want you to have other friends. You’re not allowed to have your own life because it is supposed to revolved around them. The minute you refute them, they start trying to brainwash you into thinking you’re selfish and that you made a mistake. The spirit of Jezebel is also at play here and that spirit will do anything to wreck another life so that they have complete control. It is a power demonic spirit that we need to be aware of because if you let it wreak havoc in your life it will destroy everything you have going for you. How does one deal with this you may ask? Keep reading and I will tell you.
Once I was able to identify that I had multiple narcs trying to suck the life out of me, my friend and I talked about the importance of praying against evil spirits, as well as people who want to harm us. She reminded me that in Christ we have infinite power because he lives in those who choose to follow him. So we began praying and asking God to give us strength to put up healthy boundaries where need be. It was hard at first, I won’t lie. The toxic people fought back because they didn’t like the boundaries. But we kept praying and asking God to give us strength. Now a year later I have cut ties with any and every toxic friendship and we have put up healthy boundaries. We no longer get worried or scared if someone tries to manipulate us because honestly is Jesus is for us, who is against us? When you allow Jesus into your heart, you become one of God’s children and he wants the best for us. He will protect us from anyone who seeks to do us harm. God always is faithful and he always shows that he will never leave nor forsake us.
What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31 NIV
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV
It took me a while to finally completely cut out the old bestie that was harmful, but at last I have done it! It took a while because I kept battling the devil’s lies...but God gave me strength to do overcome the lies. God is wayyy stronger than satan, so we are always victorious when we let God fight our battles for us. It was when I gave it to God, along with my fears, that I had strength to say “No, I deserve better”. I finally listed to what my husband and other friends were telling me. I am so free!
I have felt freedom and great joy being able to be me without having people constantly putting me down. I’ve learned to ignore any negative family members and to completely cut ties with bad relationships. Sometimes God wants us to cut people out of our lives because they will cause us to believe lies and hold us back from the blessings he has for us. I used to think I needed my old best friend because she was technically my best friend. But when I think about it, I have several best friends who would go to the end of the earth to do anything for me. These friends love me for me. When you’ve dealt with emotional abuse for years, it takes a toll on how you view yourself. This past year I have began to love myself again.
I have realized that everything about me is special and good. I can be free to have whatever dogs I want and to talk about them 24/7. I can enjoy jazz music, country, and EDM. I can wear whatever I want, do whatever I want to my hair. I don’t have to deal with racist remarks that I am ugly because I am biracial. I now know that is a lie and I will embrace who God has made me. I can travel wherever I want, hang out with whoever I want. I can enjoy being the intellectual person I am and I can enjoy my creative side. When I get rid of toxic people, I finally see how much I am valued and my worth.
My true friends and the loving family members acknowledge all my accomplishments and don’t mind if I all talk about sometimes is dog stuff. They listen. God has shown my husband and I that we deserve people who show us the same love that we give. All of my true best friends only see the good in me. I still am taken aback by some of the nice things they say sometimes, but then I remember that they are true. With positive, loving people surrounding me I can be all God has for me to be. I can show others the love of Jesus and change lives.
My friend that I met through that group, she and I talk all the time. She is the older sister I always yearned for. I am the younger sister she always wanted. It’s crazy how much we have in common and the similar things we have both gone through. We both have PCOS, we both have dealt with anxiety and depression. We both have dealt with abuse and have overcome it. She is so wise so I enjoy hearing her Godly advice and she has said that I also inspire and encourage her. After our conversations I feel very happy and blessed. I wish we could talk every single day haha, but the longer we go without talking just means more to talk about haha.
My other friends have also been lovely friends. I was so scared that I would lose friends when I admitted that I have an anxiety disorder, depression, and SPD...but I was relieved when they were like, it’s okay we love you for you. I value each of them so much and if you are reading this, you know who you are. Some of my best friends I have met in college during undergrad. One of those friends and I both had abusive romantic relationships that we both helped each other get out of. Today we are both happily married and freed from that bondage. I love each and every one of my friends for different reasons. Oh and it bring me joy that one of them I led to her now husband, who is also one of my best friends. I still have a few high school besties too. Having friends that love you for you is a must! I like to befriend people wherever I go, although I have learned that it isn’t the quantity of friends you have, but the quality. I can always tell when someone is going to be a special part of my life. Just recently, I met someone who is such an inspiration to me. She is so positive, talented, a go-getter. She doesn’t let life hold her down or back, and she has an infectious personality. She has already made me feel so loved with the kind encouraging words that I sometimes need reminded of. I look forward to getting to know her more. Oh and she has to teach me her technique because she has won some good $$ at blackjack lol.
I have shared all of this because I know that many of you have gone through similar things, and I want you to find the healing and freedom that I have found. Literally, my life is 100x better today than it was a year ago. My husband got baptized last year in May and I felt God working in our lives more than before. During a facebook fast I heard him speaking truth to me daily. He told me to trust in him and that he would bring me through everything. He was 100% correct. I can look forward to things and also live in the moment. If you are reading this and don’t have a personal relationship with the creator of all life and everything in the universe, I invite you to ask Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior. Jesus died for our sins so that we can have a restored relationship with him and God our father. God desires good for each of us and everlasting life for all of us. I know some of you may be feeling apprehensive about this, and I respect whatever decision you make. But I can tell you this...I promise following Christ will give you all the fulfillment you ever need. I am here today because of Jesus’s love. You don’t need to change anything about you, God wants you how you are now.
Literally he has sent people into my life that weren’t by chance and he has protected me from situations that could have ruined my life forever. He has saved my life more than once. My mom, Luke, and I almost were crushed on the way home from my undergrad graduation. Someone ran a light going 70 miles per hour and there was no way we were going to avoid that. I saw our lives flash before my eyes and all I could do was scream Jesus and push Luke onto the floor of the car because I didn’t want him to die or for him to be crushed into my chest. The backseat was filled with all my college apartment belongings. My mom breaked and prepared for the worst. Suddenly I felt us move and the car had just skimmed past us. People got out of their cars thinking we were going to get slammed...but we weren’t hit! God used his force to move us into safety because he still had a purpose for my mother and I, and even Luke. That was several years ago. If God will use his power to protect me, he will do the same for you if you let him. God bless my loves and talk to you soon!
No comments:
Post a Comment