A few days ago I was talking with my older sister about a weird feeling I had about someone I had recently befriended. I told her that I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t quite right, and that I couldn’t put my finger on it. I remember having these feeling quite a few times throughout my life, especially a few encounters in my teenage years and early 20s. As we talked we shared our experiences with people who ended up being different than they appeared.
It was then that I realized what I had picked up on recently: flattery. I feel that everyone is exposed to flattery at least a few times in their lives, which is why I decided to speak on the subject today. In fact, as I write this I can think of how someone used flattery recently to try and manipulate my mom just a few days ago. As you can probably deduce, flattery is rarely if ever a good thing. Flattery seeks to make another person feel good about themselves. But what is wrong with that? You may say. Well this definition alone would actually be the definition of encouragement or compliments. However, there is another piece that separates flattery from those two. Flattery is rooted in a desire to seek a means to an end, whereas the other two are genuinely about making someone else feel valued and cherished. Encouraging and complimenting are meant to edify others and shed light on their value. It is meant to make a brother or sister feel their worth. Encouragement and compliments come from the heart and not from a selfish motive.
The problem with flattery appearing similar to genuine encouragement is that it is often hard to decipher the difference between the two. The Holy Spirit has gifted me with discernment of spirit, and evenso, I have fallen for flattery a few times. Flattery can quickly ensnare you long before it is apparent which can lead to consequences such as manipulation, abuse, danger, regretful decisions, etc. However, it can be avoided if we lean on the Lord and ask him to open our eyes to it. Whenever we ask for wisdom, God will graciously grant it to us. You can never ask for too much wisdom, so whenever you feel unsure don’t hesitate to pray about it and ask another brother or sister to give you an outsider view. I am going to share a few examples of times I have been faced with flattery to give you an idea of the many forms it can take.
“ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” James 1:5 NIV
One of the times I fell hard for a flattery trap was my first year of college. I was young and naive and didn’t see obvious signs in front of me. I had made several friends, but there was one in particular that went the extra mile to make me feel good. She would constantly tell me how beautiful I was and how smart I was. She and I were instantly best friends and it felt great. I thought she really cared about me and I was excited to see where the friendship went. Eventually, I became uncomfortable with the turn our friendship had taken. After many remarks of how she could love me better than my boyfriend at the time, and how sexy I was, I felt that I needed some space. When I tried to talk to her, she shifted the blame to me and abruptly quit speaking to me. She then tried to intentionally make me jealous of her new best friend that she had replaced me with. It hurt, I’m not going to lie. I thought this person was a true friend...and they weren’t. However, I learned from the situation. When someone gives you exaggerated compliments, or over the top physical compliments, there is something strange going on. Whether the motivation is jealousy or attraction, or whatever, it isn’t pure because it has to do with the person getting something for themselves, rather than having a healthy relationship of give and take. Another way to tell if it is flattery is if the remarks make you feel uncomfortable. True compliments edify and encourage you, not make you feel bad. If someone truly wants to be a close friend of yours, the friendship will naturally grow. It takes time to get to know someone.
Both of my exes tried to use flattery to get something physical out of the relationship before marriage. Since I wouldn’t oblige, they wanted to end the relationship. I feel that this is one of the most common instances of flattery. When getting to know someone of the opposite sex, watch for signs of flattery. Constantly trying to get you to do something you aren’t okay with is never a good thing, so don’t fall for it. Ask God to help you find the right person, and be sure to let God be your first love. Once you do that, you will find someone who will uphold God’s standards in His timing.
The last example I am going to share is when flattery almost got me into a dangerous situation. My first year of grad school I met someone who needed my help. This older woman was very kind to me and showed gratitude, as well mentioned that she was a believer. She then said based on my personality she could tell I was also one. She complimented me on how she could see Christ in me and what a wonderful person I was. That made me great and I felt like I must have been doing something right because someone saw Jesus in me. A few months go by and we began go to a weekly Christian meeting on campus together because she expressed interest. It was nice being able to take someone to these weekly meetings that filled my spirit. My husband would sometimes go with us, but he worked until after it began, so he often ended up picking me up to drive me home after since the shuttle to my apartment quit running after a certain hour. Everything seemed great until I began getting weird texts and what happened the next time we ran into each other. The last time we went to 180 together was when she acted strange. She told me to meet her in the library and then she wasn’t there. She told me to meet her on another floor and she still wasn’t there. About 10 mins pass and suddenly she is right behind me. She apologized for being late and then eagerly said we should go to our the meeting together like we always had. She noticed my husband at work and asked if he would join. He declined because he was exhausted and didn’t want to arrive late. The woman was annoyed that he declined and began to shame him in front of others. She said that he must need prayer since he wasn’t coming and that it wasn’t right for him to decline. After a minute she calmed down because someone called her. It was then that a strange man walked into the library. She introduced him as her “male friend” and said that he was coming along with us today. Something didn’t feel right, but I calmly decided to go to with them to the meeting since I had another friend meeting me up there. Robbie(my hubby) was worried and told me to be very careful. He felt something was terribly wrong.
On the way to the meeting the woman her “male friend” tried giving her a black bag. She blushed and said it was a thong and that she didn’t want it right then, so she told him to keep it. Suddenly my mind starts racing because something really was off. Her “friend” started questioning where I lived and such as we walked down the hill to Morton hall. The last time a strange man asked where I lived shortly attempted to assault me afterward because I didn’t respond, so I prayed that God would keep me safe this time… and he did. I told them man that I lived in a dorm nearby and then texted my friend that I needed to talk to her when we arrived. When we got to 180 my other friend was waiting outside thankfully, so the four of us sat together. After a few praise and worship songs my friend actually pulled me to the side herself and said we needed to leave asap. So we hurried out and she drove us to my apartment. On the way to the apartment she said that something wasn’t right and that she was worried about my safety. She begged me to never hangout with that woman again, and I took her and my husband’s advice because I believe it was confirmation that the situation was bad. I’m so thankful that God and Jesus looked out for me.
Flattery is a sin because it is selfish and can be harmful. However, none of us our perfect, which is why we must lean on God to reveal to us whether a situation is flattery and if so, what we should do. Sometimes people use flattery because they really want to be your friend and hope that you find them cool. Sometimes it is used because someone wishes to date you, or sell you a house, car, etc. Flattery may seem like an okay thing to do because “ how harmful can it be to get someone to like us or do what we want” one may say. However, God is the one who decides the rules and he says it is bad for a reason. God wants us to treat others with love. True love doesn’t lie, it tells the TRUTH. We can truthfully compliment someone without trying to force them to be our friends. We can make someone we hope to date feel good without expecting anything in return. We can do our job if it requires selling things in truth. We can mention that this car would be perfect, but also be truthful with what we say instead of lying to get a sale. God has a lot to say about flattery!
“I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive. For your obedience is known to all, so that I rejoice over you, but I want you to be wise as to what is good and innocent as to what is evil.” Romans 8:16-19 ESV
“A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.” Proverbs 29:25 ESV
“A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin” Proverbs 26:28 ESV
We all fall short of the glory and sin, so it is possible to confront a brother or sister on flattery, forgive, and continue on. And sometimes… God may tell us that the person never has good intentions, so we should walk away. Back to one of my newer friends: I don’t know for sure if they have been using flattery to deceive me or if they are just expressing how they really feel. What I do know is that I can and will be praying and God will give me the answer. He will let me know what to do from here. I encourage you to ask God to give you guidance whenever you feel unsure and don’t be afraid to talk to the person about it as well(as long as you can safely!). God bless and I wish you loving, truthful relationships <3.
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