Why do I struggle with believing that others really love me? Well it’s a complex issue in my case and I am sure it is the same with you. Part of it is the spirit of rejection I have mentioned in a previous blog. No matter how much I pray against it, it seems to follow me everywhere I go. I experience a lot of people not liking me, people thinking I am strange, people thinking I am a burden. For example, random strangers will say things about how they don’t like my hair or they will tell me to stay away from them even when I wasn’t planning on bothering them. It shows up in friendships that ended up not being real, where I was really just befriended as a means for the other person to gossip behind my back and bring me down. It has manifested in “friends” telling me that every single decision I make is wrong. That nothing I do is right and that I need to give up on my dreams. People who tell me that I am wrong for liking the season I like (Summer), liking the breed of dogs I like, for liking the type of music I like. It shows up when a doctor won’t even let me see them for something abnormal with my physical health and they get frustrated with me on the phone. It shows up when I am a greeter on Sunday morning at church and someone hugs everyone but me...making up an excuse that they don’t hug people at all, even though I just watched them hug several people. It has shown up when I wanted to be a Bible study leader because I had a heart for the freshman college students, but I was told I wasn’t good enough to be one, despite my peers being told told they would make great leaders. It has shown up in an ex who stalked me and wanted me dead. And it shows up with me being a reject in society since I have chronic illnesses. The spirit of rejection convinces me a lot of times that I am worthless, unwanted, and I often begin to take it to heart, and assume that if many people feel that way about me, then all must. I am sure some of you have felt the same and I am so so sorry because it is not a fun experience. The thing is, despite the rejection you face, it doesn’t define you. It may feel like it does, but I promise it doesn’t. You are not what others think of you. God does see you differently.
Another thing that personally holds me back is shame and guilt. I am ashamed that I have epilepsy and chronic migraines because it means I am less than others (at least that is how I see myself). If I struggle with a sin, I must be an awful Christian and thus I feel ashamed and must hide away. I sometimes feel shame for just existing. I feel like I should be doing more with my life and I feel shame when I don’t measure up. Whenever I do mess up, even after I ask for forgiveness, I find myself still feeling guilt. And because of that, I want to punish myself. So I remind myself that I am a mess and then I begin to think does God really even love me at all? I mean how could he love me? I’m just a mess up who never gets it right and I burden everyone I come into contact with, so surely I burden God too. So then I want to avoid everyone that I am a burden too, and sometimes I think God is happier if I avoid him too, because surely he has more important creations to spend his time with. I know for a fact I am not the only one who struggles with this because I have spoke with many who have felt this way, which is why I like to be an open book even though it puts me in a really vulnerable place. Oh and let me tell you these thoughts we have, they are lies. They are the lies from Satan himself and they are a way to steal our joy, which comes from God’s love (And the love of others in our lives).
Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings. 1 Peter 5:8-9 NIV
The devil wants to harm us and bring us down. He is evil and his goal is to either bring people to hell with him, or for the believer, make their life as miserable as possible. If he can get us to believe lies, then we may miss some of the great things God has planned for us. Anything we struggle with, we don’t struggle with alone. You are not alone and what you feel is valid. We live in a broken world due to sin and sadly as a result we will struggle with our worth. Many believers will hide their struggles because they want to appear like they have it all together. The problem with this is it leads us to believe there is something wrong with us and that we are to suffer alone in silence. I strive to stop that, as I believe the best way to beat the adversary is together in unity. If you ever are struggling, don’t be afraid to reach out to me or someone else you trust. We are meant to help each other out and we need to each other.
So how do we combat the struggle of not believing we are loved? Well first we pray and we ask God to help us understand and feel how he really thinks of us. We also spend time in the Bible, reading verses about God’s truth so that we can replace the false, negative thoughts with truth. We also confide in someone we trust and ask them to pray for us to be a listening ear. It is a journey and it may take years to eventually overcome this struggle. But we have to start somewhere and today is the day. Ask God to reveal how he really sees you and lean on not your own understanding, but what his Word says about you. I know I am far from being to the end of my journey, but I am thankful I am closer to where I need to be than I was yesterday. We need to begin allowing God and others to love us. Instead of pushing them away, we need to tell ourselves that what they say is true. That we are worthy of love because Jesus loved us so much came into this world to die for our sins. If we accept his free gift, we can rest assured that everything he promises the believer will come true. God doesn’t lie. If we learn to accept love than we can experience the joy and peace he desires for us, and we can let him take the reigns in our life. We can live in freedom knowing that he will take care of us. When we allow love in we can enjoy relationships the way God intended and we can live life to the fullest. I pray that if you haven’t already that you would accept Jesus into your heart as your Lord and Savior, and that you ask God to help you see yourself as he sees you. You are so loved. God bless you my friend and Happy Valentine’s day. God is the ultimate valentine <3.
And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them . There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:16,18 NIV
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV
But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15 NIV
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