When I first went away to college, my future was bright and I thought that everything was perfect. My health was seemingly perfect and nothing was holding me back. I have always been ambitious, although I had to learn to overcome my extreme shyness and social anxiety growing up. A migraine here and there, I thought was normal. Some anxiety here and there was just part of the game of life, so I thought. It was like I was ignoring little signs that the check engine light is about to go off, you know how we like to do with our cars because who wants to think anything is wrong with our cars much less ourselves. Well fast forward to the end of high school I had finally felt ready to conquer the world and I was no longer afraid of going away to college because one of my high school best friends, Vikki, was going to be my roommate freshman quarter. Looking back, there were definitely some signs throughout my undergrad years of college that there were definitely some things that needed addressed, but I just didn’t know it. Plus I was focused on striving to achieve all of my goals so that I could land a dream career that would allow me to provide well so I could raise children one day with my future husband. I was also hoping I would find a meaningful career that would help others in some capacity because I love to love, if that makes sense. I literally feel lost if I don’t have someone, something, to love. I need to share my love with others and let them know that they are loved. If I can’t do that, I feel like I am wasting my time. I wanted so bad to be that Proverbs 31 woman.
My junior year I met my now husband and we married the end of my first year of grad school. He is perfect in every way and certainly my soulmate. He wasn’t a Christ believer when we first met, but He saw Christ in me and wanted that for himself. So after getting to know each other better he decided to ask Jesus into his heart. That was wonderful and I am so thankful God used me to lead my husband to Christ. My first year of grad school is when my anxiety became no longer just a nuisance but actually disabling to the point that I needed help. My dog Luke Bryan trained to be my service dog and he helped me get through the rest of the year. I thought it was just anxiety and that with therapy and medication things would get better. But, I was in for a NOT so pleasant surprise. You see, anxiety was just the tip of the iceberg. After being married for just two months, I had my first ocular migraine without any pain and I had no idea what was going on. I was just laying down in bed while Robbie brushed his teeth when suddenly there were black zig zags everywhere. I turned my head and they moved. I closed my eyes and they turned yellow. I screamed because I was scared. Luke jumped onto the bed and Robbie came in. That was the start of my chronic migraines, which I still battle with. I am on two medications for them and I still battle with them regularly, at this moment more often than the seizures. I have painful migraines once or twice a week and ocular ones about once every other day during this pandemic.
I thought I can get through these migraines and I pushed through continuing to work full time and trying my best to have a social life too. Well at times I also have awful lower belly physical pain and some other weird symptoms. I was nervous but I decided to bite the bullet and see a female doctor 1 year after we were married. Turns out I also have PCOS (Poly Ovarian Cystic Syndrome) which causes cysts to abnormally grow on the ovaries, sometimes very large. Oh and when they rupture they feel like you’ve been shot in the side. It also causes hormonal imbalances, infertility, insulin resistance, heart disease, etc. Fun stuff. The following year I got diagnosed with epilepsy as we realized some other problems I was having were not just anxiety and after revisiting the neurologist (who I went to for the migraines), he realized I was having a few different types of epileptic seizures. I am on two medications for those as well. So far they are the most controlled they have been since I have began having them, but after finally reaching a milestone of going a few weeks with no seizures, I am back to having one to two a week or so.
Mikki is the black and white PomeranianSo as you can see, my life plan didn’t quite turn out as I had hoped for. I got married (yay! And yes I am thankful), which is awesome and I am so glad to have a lifelong partner who supports me through all of this stuff I never dreamed I would be dealing with 7-10 years ago. I don’t have that dream career yet, but I have had the blessing of getting to teach English as a second language to children in China for the past year over the Internet and I am a home health aide as well. I have two degrees and I fully plan on using them, especially my Master’s in Organizational Communication. I actually hope to get my PhD eventually so I can pursue my ultimate dream of becoming a college professor. Yes I want to be a college professor even with my disabilities. I’d like to think I’d make a great one because I enjoy teaching and helping others reach their potential, and yes I will have my trusty seizure alert service dog Mikki by my side when I do (or if she is too old by the time it happens, then my new SD). I also contemplate getting a Library Sciences degree because I miss working at Alden library often. Some days I feel like such a failure because I am not where society thinks I should be, but then I remember I am following God’s timing not the world’s. Same goes for YOU!! If you don’t have that career yet, be patient. Or if there are steps you need to take to get it, pray about it and then go for it. It’s never too late to go to college or start over. Fresh beginnings can happen anytime!
Yes I am 27 without kids. There were times that I thought I was pregnant just to have heavy heavy bleeding. Who knows what happened. Who knows if I will ever get pregnant? There is a chance I won’t because of all of the medications I am on, plus all of my illnesses combined and PCOS definitely has taken a toll on my body. I am working on trusting in God. It can be hard sometimes because I do get a lot of people who like to interject their opinions on where I should be in that area. I have had people straight up tell me to quit getting dogs and have a baby already. Or that it is annoying how much I spoil my dogs and love them so much. Well guess what? The Bible says to care for our animals! So I am doing nothing wrong by loving my animals. Never did I say they were equivalent to humans, but to me they feel almost like it. I know the difference, though. They aren’t made in the image of God and I am aware. But for someone like me who might not ever have children, I believe God gave me my dogs as a special gift, perhaps to fill the role of children for me so that I don’t fill empty or as if I am missing out. I believe he can give us animals for special purposes and I believe my dogs are my children in fur. They have the purpose of giving me a companionship and love similar to that of children and that is a blessing. Some people tell me just to adopt, or just to IVF, etc. Well listen, thanks for your advice but that is a very personal decision and I will let God lead us there. Personally at this time, I believe if he wants us to have a child, he will bless my womb, and if not, there is a reason. Everyone’s situation is different and that is a wonderful thing.
Now enough about my situation, ladies listen up because I have something for each of you that will definitely resonate with you and bless you. :) First up, my friends who aren’t married or who aren’t in a relationship. Girl, you are beautiful and I assure you that there is nothing wrong with you so please please don’t buy Satan’s lies that you need to hurry up and get with the wrong guy just to be with someone. Also, don’t think that because you aren’t with someone that means you will never find someone. Those are lies from the pitt of hell. The devil wants to destroy the GOOD God has planned for you and I don’t want to see that happen to you. Please stay strong. I know it is hard to be single when your friends are taken, but being single can be a blessing too (sounds easy coming from a married woman right). Trust me, I’ve been the single girl before with all taken friends before. It was during my season of singleness that I had a lot of healing and actually grew a ton in my relationship with Jesus. I also learned a lot about myself and was able to develop some deep friendships which are harder to do when you are tied down. Travel, try all of your hobbies, just be you and pray daily about what you want. God hears you and he cares. You aren’t too old to find love just because you’re getting closer to thirty or are in your thirties.
To my friends who are childless, whether married and childless, or childless and wishing they had someone they could have kids with. I personally believe that waiting to have children is okay first and foremost, so if someone is trying to force you to have kids when you aren’t ready, please just ignore it and give it to God. If you are trying and you haven’t had any yet, it is okay to grieve and it is okay to desire children. Continue putting your desire before the Lord. He desires to hear from us and he loves to hear what is on our hearts. I believe when the timing is right he will give you a child because he wants to give you the desires of your heart when you are faithful to him. For some, adoption or IVF may be the answer. Or for some he may not have children in the picture. Some may not want children and I don't think that is necessarily wrong either. But I really believe most married couples are called to have children so if you have a desire to be a mother, I really believe he will bless you. If you haven’t found your husband yet, I believe in his timing he will bless you with him and then eventually children. Just keep trusting and most importantly remember that time is but a number to God. Age is just a number to God. We don’t have to worry or grow inpatient when it comes to Him because His timing is perfect!
The world always has something negative to say about being a woman, especially women of God. Why? Because the devil wants to destroy and divide. He wants to ruin us and he starts that within our minds. We have to be careful about our thoughts and we have to remember who is in control. We also have to remember our worth! I mean it’s so easy for me to get in a rut about not having that perfect skinny body, or about how I am a burden because of all of my health problems, etc. However, I can turn that around and into something good when I remind myself that God has good for my life and that He loves me! He has good for you too and He loves YOU too and has good for you too. If there is a desire you have, put it before him. He specifically tells us that sometimes we don’t have something because we don’t ask for it. So don’t be shy, ask your father for it. If it is His will and something good he will give it to you, provided you have good intentions for why you want it. I have been afraid to ask about having a #1 best friend because I just keep thinking who would want to be my #1 best friend(given my health problems and blah). But I have several best friends and I think I already know who is going to end up being my #1 bestie as a type this. So I am going to pray about it and ask!
Here is some scripture that will bless you. Take care and remember while Proverbs 31 is mostly aimed to married women, there is certainly part of it that applies to you already if you seek Jesus with all of your heart. I will share it below <3
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:25-26 NIV
You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:2-3 NIV
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