Embrace the special path given to you ladies

                     

       

It was recently Mother’s Day and I spent the day cherishing my mother and showing her love, while also wishing all the other moms a happy filled day. After the day passed, I couldn’t help but think that wow I am 27 and yet here I am without any kids. I know I am not the only one who kind of feels out of place as a woman my age, and not just when it comes to children. In fact I my heart ached for a few friends who mourned Mother’s Day because they yearned to be mothers but either haven’t gotten the chance yet, or lost their babies due to miscarriage or a post birth tragedy. Truth is, there is a lot more beneath the surface of a smile you see on a woman’s face. Ladies, I want to write this for you today; not just for ones who aren’t yet mothers. I want to talk to all of you, who in one way or another, don’t fit the cookie cutter standard that society wants to shove us into, in order for us to have worth. The mold that the random prying stranger insists you must fit into. Or the timeline that your grandparents demand must be met or else something is definitely wrong with you. Or the church goer who assumes your lack of children is simply a desire to ignore God’s will for your life in favor of selfish ambition. God cares for women just like he cares for men, and you are precious and valued. He hasn’t forgotten about you and even if it feels like you are in a desert alone right now, He is still leading you to something greater than Niagara Falls.


When I first went away to college, my future was bright and I thought that everything was perfect. My health was seemingly perfect and nothing was holding me back. I have always been ambitious, although I had to learn to overcome my extreme shyness and social anxiety growing up. A migraine here and there, I thought was normal. Some anxiety here and there was just part of the game of life, so I thought. It was like I was ignoring little signs that the check engine light is about to go off, you know how we like to do with our cars because who wants to think anything is wrong with our cars much less ourselves. Well fast forward to the end of high school I had finally felt ready to conquer the world and I was no longer afraid of going away to college because one of my high school best friends, Vikki, was going to be my roommate freshman quarter. Looking back, there were definitely some signs throughout my undergrad years of college that there were definitely some things that needed addressed, but I just didn’t know it. Plus I was focused on striving to achieve all of my goals so that I could land a dream career that would allow me to provide well so I could raise children one day with my future husband. I was also hoping I would find a meaningful career that would help others in some capacity because I love to love, if that makes sense. I literally feel lost if I don’t have someone, something, to love. I need to share my love with others and let them know that they are loved. If I can’t do that, I feel like I am wasting my time. I wanted so bad to be that Proverbs 31 woman.

  
                             

My junior year I met my now husband and we married the end of my first year of grad school. He is perfect in every way and certainly my soulmate. He wasn’t a Christ believer when we first met, but He saw Christ in me and wanted that for himself. So after getting to know each other better he decided to ask Jesus into his heart. That was wonderful and I am so thankful God used me to lead my husband to Christ. My first year of grad school is when my anxiety became no longer just a nuisance but actually disabling to the point that I needed help. My dog Luke Bryan trained to be my service dog and he helped me get through the rest of the year. I thought it was just anxiety and that with therapy and medication things would get better. But, I was in for a NOT so pleasant surprise. You see, anxiety was just the tip of the iceberg. After being married for just two months, I had my first ocular migraine without any pain and I had no idea what was going on. I was just laying down in bed while Robbie brushed his teeth when suddenly there were black zig zags everywhere. I turned my head and they moved. I closed my eyes and they turned yellow. I screamed because I was scared. Luke jumped onto the bed and Robbie came in. That was the start of my chronic migraines, which I still battle with. I am on two medications for them and I still battle with them regularly, at this moment more often than the seizures. I have painful migraines once or twice a week and ocular ones about once every other day during this pandemic. 

            

I thought I can get through these migraines and I pushed through continuing to work full time and trying my best to have a social life too. Well at times I also have awful lower belly physical pain and some other weird symptoms. I was nervous but I decided to bite the bullet and see a female doctor 1 year after we were married. Turns out I also have PCOS (Poly Ovarian Cystic Syndrome) which causes cysts to abnormally grow on the ovaries, sometimes very large. Oh and when they rupture they feel like you’ve been shot in the side. It also causes hormonal imbalances, infertility, insulin resistance, heart disease, etc. Fun stuff. The following year I got diagnosed with epilepsy as we realized some other problems I was having were not just anxiety and after revisiting the neurologist (who I went to for the migraines), he realized I was having a few different types of epileptic seizures. I am on two medications for those as well. So far they are the most controlled they have been since I have began having them, but after finally reaching a milestone of going a few weeks with no seizures, I am back to having one to two a week or so.

Mikki is the black and white Pomeranian

So as you can see, my life plan didn’t quite turn out as I had hoped for. I got married (yay! And yes I am thankful), which is awesome and I am so glad to have a lifelong partner who supports me through all of this stuff I never dreamed I would be dealing with 7-10 years ago. I don’t have that dream career yet, but I have had the blessing of getting to teach English as a second language to children in China for the past year over the Internet and I am a home health aide as well. I have two degrees and I fully plan on using them, especially my Master’s in Organizational Communication. I actually hope to get my PhD eventually so I can pursue my ultimate dream of becoming a college professor. Yes I want to be a college professor even with my disabilities. I’d like to think I’d make a great one because I enjoy teaching and helping others reach their potential, and yes I will have my trusty seizure alert service dog Mikki by my side when I do (or if she is too old by the time it happens, then my new SD). I also contemplate getting a Library Sciences degree because I miss working at Alden library often. Some days I feel like such a failure because I am not where society thinks I should be, but then I remember I am following God’s timing not the world’s. Same goes for YOU!! If you don’t have that career yet, be patient. Or if there are steps you need to take to get it, pray about it and then go for it. It’s never too late to go to college or start over. Fresh beginnings can happen anytime!

Yes I am 27 without kids. There were times that I thought I was pregnant just to have heavy heavy bleeding. Who knows what happened. Who knows if I will ever get pregnant? There is a chance I won’t because of all of the medications I am on, plus all of my illnesses combined and PCOS definitely has taken a toll on my body. I am working on trusting in God. It can be hard sometimes because I do get a lot of people who like to interject their opinions on where I should be in that area. I have had people straight up tell me to quit getting dogs and have a baby already. Or that it is annoying how much I spoil my dogs and love them so much. Well guess what? The Bible says to care for our animals! So I am doing nothing wrong by loving my animals. Never did I say they were equivalent to humans, but to me they feel almost like it. I know the difference, though. They aren’t made in the image of God and I am aware. But for someone like me who might not ever have children, I believe God gave me my dogs as a special gift, perhaps to fill the role of children for me so that I don’t fill empty or as if I am missing out. I believe he can give us animals for special purposes and I believe my dogs are my children in fur. They have the purpose of giving me a companionship and love similar to that of children and that is a blessing. Some people tell me just to adopt, or just to IVF, etc. Well listen, thanks for your advice but that is a very personal decision and I will let God lead us there. Personally at this time, I believe if he wants us to have a child, he will bless my womb, and if not, there is a reason. Everyone’s situation is different and that is a wonderful thing.

                           

Now enough about my situation, ladies listen up because I have something for each of you that will definitely resonate with you and bless you. :) First up, my friends who aren’t married or who aren’t in a relationship. Girl, you are beautiful and I assure you that there is nothing wrong with you so please please don’t buy Satan’s lies that you need to hurry up and get with the wrong guy just to be with someone. Also, don’t think that because you aren’t with someone that means you will never find someone. Those are lies from the pitt of hell. The devil wants to destroy the GOOD God has planned for you and I don’t want to see that happen to you. Please stay strong. I know it is hard to be single when your friends are taken, but being single can be a blessing too (sounds easy coming from a married woman right). Trust me, I’ve been the single girl before with all taken friends before. It was during my season of singleness that I had a lot of healing and actually grew a ton in my relationship with Jesus. I also learned a lot about myself and was able to develop some deep friendships which are harder to do when you are tied down. Travel, try all of your hobbies, just be you and pray daily about what you want. God hears you and he cares. You aren’t too old to find love just because you’re getting closer to thirty or are in your thirties.

                     

To my friends who are childless, whether married and childless, or childless and wishing they had someone they could have kids with. I personally believe that waiting to have children is okay first and foremost, so if someone is trying to force you to have kids when you aren’t ready, please just ignore it and give it to God. If you are trying and you haven’t had any yet, it is okay to grieve and it is okay to desire children. Continue putting your desire before the Lord. He desires to hear from us and he loves to hear what is on our hearts. I believe when the timing is right he will give you a child because he wants to give you the desires of your heart when you are faithful to him. For some, adoption or IVF may be the answer. Or for some he may not have children in the picture. Some may not want children and I don't think that is necessarily wrong either. But I really believe most married couples are called to have children so if you have a desire to be a mother, I really believe he will bless you. If you haven’t found your husband yet, I believe in his timing he will bless you with him and then eventually children. Just keep trusting and most importantly remember that time is but a number to God. Age is just a number to God. We don’t have to worry or grow inpatient when it comes to Him because His timing is perfect!

           

The world always has something negative to say about being a woman, especially women of God. Why? Because the devil wants to destroy and divide. He wants to ruin us and he starts that within our minds. We have to be careful about our thoughts and we have to remember who is in control. We also have to remember our worth! I mean it’s so easy for me to get in a rut about not having that perfect skinny body, or about how I am a burden because of all of my health problems, etc. However, I can turn that around and into something good when I remind myself that God has good for my life and that He loves me! He has good for you too and He loves YOU too and has good for you too. If there is a desire you have, put it before him. He specifically tells us that sometimes we don’t have something because we don’t ask for it. So don’t be shy, ask your father for it. If it is His will and something good he will give it to you, provided you have good intentions for why you want it. I have been afraid to ask about having a #1 best friend because I just keep thinking who would want to be my #1 best friend(given my health problems and blah). But I have several best friends and I think I already know who is going to end up being my #1 bestie as a type this. So I am going to pray about it and ask!

Here is some scripture that will bless you. Take care and remember while Proverbs 31 is mostly aimed to  married women, there is certainly part of it that applies to you already if you seek Jesus with all of your heart. I will share it below <3




She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. Proverbs 31:25-26 NIV

You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:2-3 NIV

Wishing I could Stop the Train part 3 (looking toward the future)

As the world as we once knew it continues to become more and more of a “distant memory”, I remind myself that one day this will all be over. One day we'll wake up and there will be no risk of us getting Covid19. One day soon we will be able to visit our friends and family members again. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait until I can hug my loved ones again and have house parties again. I long for the day we can have a board game night, while we eat some pizza and just enjoy each others company. I can’t wait until I can jump into the swimming pool at my condo complex again and chat with my neighbors by the poolside, without needing to wear a mask. I can’t wait until I can safely walk my dogs at the park while the little league baseball players play; I love taking in the aroma of fresh cut grass and taking a break from my walk to watch the little kids hit a few home runs. I can’t wait until people all have their jobs again, and violence goes back down, and normalcy is restored. I can’t wait until the Summer Olympics are able to resume next year, one of my favorite activities of all time. I know you all feel the same. While I crave normalcy, I hope that some things we have learned from this pandemic and change in our lifestyles can be applied to the future so that we can become better human beings to one another as we become more like Christ himself. I hope to see a revival in our future that our broken world so desperately needs.

During this pandemic I have seen a lot of selfish behavior and a lot of focus on our own wants and our own will, rather than the will of God and remembering that He is in control. Yet, I have also seen a lot of Christ followers leading by example, showing that they are surrendered to the Lord. It hasn’t been easy, but each day I find myself finding more peace as I pray to God and surrender my will, daily. Daily, I ask him to purify my heart and that His will be done during this time. I then pray for our leaders and I ask Him to use me however He wishes. I believe that during this pandemic us believers will continue to see God move in ways we haven’t seen before. He will provide all of our needs. We don’t need to worry about how we will eat or pay our bills when it is out of our control. We just need to give it to Him and He will be faithful. Once this pandemic is over, I want to hear all of the stories of how God was faithful during the pandemic and I want us to never forget how God showered us with His faithfulness. My hope for the future is that we never lose our dependence we have currently on God. It is so easy to get caught up in how busy life is, but I pray and hope we can never let ourselves forget who is in control. My hope is that we always turn to God daily whether it be a stressful pandemic, or during the good and easy times. I really believe that if we stay on our knees and stay dependent on God, which we as a country, and as a world, have gotten away from, then God will continue to move in BIG ways.


I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth. Psalm 121: 1-2 NIV

The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14 NIV

I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Psalm 16:8 NIV


Something else I would love to see....I yearn to see......my heart aches to see..... is for a revival in love for one another in the future. If anything, this pandemic has brought to my attention how depraved the entire world is, even within the Christian community. So many. Of. Us. Are. DIVIDED. Because. Of. differences. These differences can be political, religious, opinion, etc. And don’t get me wrong, when it comes to following Christ there are absolute truths, things that are not optional. But that doesn’t mean we get to be mean to someone else who maybe isn’t acting the way they should be according to scripture. Rather than getting revenge, or attacking them, maybe there is a way to bring the issue to their attention in love. Remember, we are called to hold each other accountable as believers, not to judge. And when we hold each other accountable, it is to be out of love. Oh, and make sure to get that log out of your eye first too. On to dealing with non believers. We are called to LOVE EVERYONE. PERIOD. It doesn’t matter what they look like, what their background is, who they love, etc. We need to get back to loving each other as fellow human beings. We need to get back to showing the love of Christ to everyone we come in contact with. We need to remember that we are to lead by example. Some of the actions we do directly affects others, so we should do what is best for others because that is what Jesus would want us to do. He would want us to protect each other and to follow the law. Unless the law is specifically telling us to worship someone other than Him, or is harming others, there is no reason why we need to scream about our rights or to threaten people with violence. Common. Please stop. My hope for the future is that we can learn to love people and value all lives, not just our own. Despite a lot of ugliness going on right now, I see the majority of people people compassionate and I will continue to pray that that spreads and that more souls than ever before are saved.


Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves Phillippians 2:3 NIV

Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10 NIV


During these crazy times I’ve found myself living more in the moment, and reconsidering my priorities. I’ve been less concerned with what tomorrow brings, what career I will have in a year, when and if I will become a mom, etc. Instead, I have been spending time with my husband and dogs, catching up with friends and loved ones over the phone, and of course spending time with God and Jesus. I miss some of my TV shows that have been temporarily but on hold because they can’t be recorded, and I miss concerts and sports. I miss eating at restaurants and the normal everyday rush. But I don't want to ever become so consumed with life again that I forget to cherish what I have in front of me. I don’t want to become so consumed with wasting time on social media, that I waste time I could have spent elsewhere. My final hope is that we don’t forget how to live in the moment once Covid19 is over. As things pick back up, it will be amazing and wonderful. It will be a beautiful sight to finally be able to socialize and work as normal. But I don’t want us to take on more than we can handle and to let life pass us by. Sometimes it is so easy to live life on autopilot. Before long months, weeks, and years pass by and you don’t even know where the time went. Make sure to make everyday count. Don’t wait for tomorrow. Tell people you love them today. Make sure you enjoy some fresh air today. Do something fun today. Give social media a break today. Whatever you need to make sure that you are living your life to the fullest. Above all, make sure you are spending your days giving thanks to God and asking him to lead you. If you aren’t saved, take a moment today to ask Jesus into your heart and ask him to forgive you of your sins and to be your Savior. It will change your life forever in the best way possible! God bless my friends <3

The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:17 NIV

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9 NIV