I'll never be that "perfect" Christian and that's okay

I’ve come to terms that I will never be that textbook “perfect” Christian; you know the one I’m talking about. The one who shows up every Sunday, dressed perfectly. The one who's got the perfect family and house. The one who is able to tithe beyond 10% every week. The one who spends all of their free time volunteering at the church. The one who is always on fire with the Holy Spirit and never lets anything get them down. The one who everyone looks forward to seeing because they brighten everyone’s day with their presence. These are all great traits to have and I am thankful for my fellow brothers and sisters who fit this role. You are precious and beloved.

I am the Christian who has been struggling with going to Church regularly because I get a bad migraine or a series of seizures after I finish teaching my last English class Sunday morning. I am the Christian who has made some financial mistakes in the past and can’t afford to tithe as much as I would like. I am the Christian who wishes she could devote more time to my church than being an occasional greeter. I wish I were able to drive and had a schedule where I were more free. I wish I were healthy so that I could do more for others. I wish I were the popular person who everyone is excited to see. Truth is, I am of little worth when you measure it from the world’s standard. Society would say I am useless because I have epilepsy, SPD, PCOS, chronic migraines, ASD. Society would say I am better off in the background because I will never be as good as others around me. I may never be a mother because of PCOS and the way it affects fertility. And sometimes it is easy for me to think that the Church and God view me the same. However, that is not true.

None of us are perfect and while some may be “better” at following Christ than others, we all are loved by God and made perfect in his eyes because of his son Jesus Christ and what he has done for us. When we accept him as our Lord and Savior, he sees perfection when he looks down at us. Nothing we can do can change that. Nothing. Isn’t that amazing?! We literally are children of the creator of the universe! :) And if you haven’t accepted Christ as your Lord and Savior yet, all it takes is a prayer asking him into your heart. God will move in your life from that very moment!

Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God John 1:12 NIV

If anything, having several disabilities has taught me that my strength comes solely from God and that he will use anyone for his glory. He has plans for each of us and we all are important and loved by God. I have a tendency to think that because my abilities don’t match some others I know, then that means he will use someone more qualified for his work. I mean, after all why would he choose one who has seizures, sensory processing disorder, someone who would be happy with just two things: dogs and the beach (aka that’s my interest that I spend most of my time on). I have a tendency to hyper focus on something for weeks on end because it’s how my brain is built. I can hear sounds down the street as if they were right next to me. I can smell smells from far far away. For instance, when my parents hot water tank was going out I kept smelling a burning smell across the room anytime someone ran the sink water. No one else could smell the smell except very faint if they literally stuck their nose next to the faucet. I thought maybe I was crazy lol but I told them their hot water tank was about to fail and sure enough it did two weeks later. Music is more than just sounds to me. I could go on and on, but that’s beside the point lol.

When we look at the Bible, we see that God often used some of the least qualified individuals for big purposes. I still have a tendency to think well they were still better than me. I seriously usually see myself as nothing but a faulty, broken human. But if God could use these people, certainly he could use me and other broken people too. We don’t all have the be “great” Christians to give God glory and further his kingdom. Moses, who helped lead God’s people to freedom from captivity, had a huge purpose for God and he accomplished it because God worked through him. Moses had a disability himself and tried to convince God to choose someone else. But alas, God said no I am using you.

12 Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ 13 If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.”

14 The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.”

15 Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. 16 How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?”

17 And the Lord said to Moses, “I will do the very thing you have asked,because I am pleased with you and I know you by name.” Exodus 33: 12-17 NIV

God also used David when he was still a young boy to take down Goliath, the giant. King David had someone killed and took their wife, but he was still used by God. Heck before Paul became a believer he was killing Christians. Look at how great of a leader he became as he let Christ shine through him. God used unqualified women for big roles too like Ruth, a widow. If these people can be used for God than surely you and I can. What it takes is a willing heart to do whatever God wants and he will move.

Though I struggle, I am going to hold to the promises that God has a plan for me and he will use me in a way that is unfathomable. I believe he will do the same for you if you trust him and let him have control of your life. It isn’t easy, but God is always with those who believe and he will provide the means. He keeps every promise he has told us. And if he promises to have a big plan for our future, then he will deliver.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Two weeks ago I was anointed by an elder at Church and prayed over by a friend. During the anointed they proclaimed that God has plans to use me in a big way. They also prayed over my health. A few months ago one of my best friends said she believed I was anointed and that God was going to use me in big ways. I get chills writing this because more than one person was confirmed that. Now I am eager to see how he chooses to use me and it gives me hope. I am so excited to see how God uses you too. I know it’ll be amazing.

One more thing, here is one of my favorite songs and it is such a beautiful song of God’s love and promises. That and the song “ Let the Church say Amen” are my two favorite gospel songs sang by the same person. Check them out and I hope you enjoy <3 God Bless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s-02jkrdNps  (The promise by Andre Crouch)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZKA2iY9ATA   (Let the Church say Amen by Andre Crouch)

A birthday wish for Yael!

I decided to dedicate a blog post to my favorite actress Yael Grobglas because today is her birthday and she is a wonderful woman inside and out. I found out about Yael when I stumbled across a soap opera/ telenovela called Jane the Virgin a few months ago when looking through Netflix. After the first episode I was hooked and little did I know I was actually going to love the show so much that it would become my favorite show ever. There is a lot of crazy stuff that happens and what not because it is a telenovela after all, but Yael does a phenomenal job of playing her character Petra and giving her all. I was instantly captivated by her big blue eyes when i first watched the show and then i noticed how complex her character was. Her character seemed evil at first but once I learned her backstory and saw her grow through the seasons it became apparent that Petra was trying to navigate herself through a crazy life. Yael literally becomes Petra Solano whenever she is acting and she in my opinion(and most others agree) is the best actress on the show. I can’t wait to see where she goes next and for the moment when she becomes the star of her own show.

I admire Yael as a person for many reasons, besides her good acting. I love that she is not afraid to share about her faith in God and the fact that she is Jewish. A lot of Hollywood doesn’t like it when you share your faith, but Yael does unapologetically and that is beautiful. I also think she is gorgeous… I’ve always been drawn to blue eyes, especially big ones, and I love how funny she is. Yael adores animals, especially cats, and I feel drawn to her as a person because that tells me she has a big heart. Animal lovers are the best kind of people afterall. I feel like when I get to meet her one day(I say when because I like to make my dreams a reality) we will goof off and enjoy delicious food while playing with my dogs and her cats(after I take benadryl for my allergies lol). The way to Yael’s heart is food, so take note if you want to impress her hahahaha. But yeah I just adore her because of all of who she is and God made a wonderful masterpiece when he designed her. Yael I want you to always know how much you are loved!

You already know some about me because of all the dog pics I send you and because of the blog posts I’ve made that you have read. Thank you for taking time out of your day to acknowledge me and read those...it means the world to me, really. It also made my year that you liked and replied to many of my tweets around my birthday after I told you it would make me the happiest girl in the world. Your love and admiration for your fans is probably the biggest reason you are my #1 fav actress. While we haven’t gotten to meet yet I know we would be good friends because Idk I can just know/ feel when someone will be an important part of my life and internet brings people together. I met one of my best friends on a Christian blogging group and I never dreamed we would have so much in common. I have written about her before but she is amazing and the big sister I had always longed for. We talk on the phone at least once a month and she is always making sure to encourage me and vice versa. So I believe friendships can be made with anyone and anywhere.

A few quick other things about me is that I also love love love good food, the beach is my favorite place in the world, and I am happiest spending with people I love and animals. I also love to swim, shop, board games,  hike, explore and travel, and basically anything fun lol. I really enjoy having deep conversations about life sometimes or just being ridiculously silly because you've got to live and enjoy life! I hope to visit LA one of these days as I have never been before and I really would love to visit Israel!! So ya, I hope your birthday has been awesome and thank you for being you. God bless xoxo

Outcast

The thing I struggle most in this life is the recurring feelings and thoughts of being a burden to everyone/ an outcast. It’s something that has eaten away at me since I was a young kid because no matter what I did or how hard I tried to be liked and loved, I would have people let me know how little I meant to them. As I have grown older I have learned to not care as much what people think or say about me, but sometimes I can’t help but feel like I’m an inferior human being, less than, a failure, a reject when I have people say or do things to me that are just mean. I suspect I am not the only one that struggles with this. In fact, after recently having a conversation with a good friend, I was able to put a name to what I and anyone else who feels this way is experiencing: The Spirit of Rejection.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12 NIV

The Spirit of Rejection is a demonic spirit that Satan (the devil) uses as a ploy to bring us down and steal our joy. It works by preying on our deepest fears and getting us to believe that we are unloved, unwanted, annoying, inferior, incapable, etc. He uses it to diminish our worth and to get us to question why we even try. It can interfere with any type of relationship as often one being attacked by this spirit feels the need to distance themselves from everyone. The worst thing about it is that it hinders our relationship with God because it can make us believe the lies that God doesn’t love us anymore, that we have upset him one too many times, or that we don’t really have a purpose in being alive. This spirit I suspect attacks most of us actually, just perhaps some more than others. You can be the most talented artist, professor, actor, pastor, and still struggle with this. It will convince you that you aren’t as deserving of the respect and recognition you get. It will convince you that nothing you do is ever enough and that everyone else is so much better qualified and more loved than you are. Some think positive thinking will stop the spiritual attack, but it isn’t quite that easy. For starters, it isn’t easy for us to identify when we are being attacked because the devil uses subtle ways to steal, divide, and conquer. He will convince us that it is true and that we are just thinking about the truth. Also, it isn’t just random thoughts. The Spirit of Rejection stems from times we were actually rejected and I have seen the spirit have random strangers say outlandish things to me before which I believe was also the spirit at work.

Like I mentioned before, I have dealt with rejection since a young child. In elementary school I was called weird because I was shy. In middle school it got way worse as I was made fun of for being biracial: my hair was called ugly poodle hair and I was told I was too light skinned to be a true mixed girl. I was called fat, annoying, etc. The thing that hurt the worst was when a girl told me she hated that I was alive and that I existed. She said she wished I were dead and some other girls cheered her on and laughed when I cried. High school was better in a sense that I wasn’t bullied, but I still experienced rejection. Almost every boy I liked thought I wasn’t pretty enough, that I was too nice and clingy, and just did not like me. I was invisible to a lot of people because I wasn’t into going to wild parties and because I was boring since I wasn’t into things other people were like drinking and sex. I didn’t mind that because I wanted to live a Godly life, but when I wasn’t included in things like yearbook planning, prom planning, or anything else I wanted to join in, I definitely felt rejected. When I was sexually assaulted, not once but twice, before I was 18, I felt rejected. I felt dirty and as if I were permanently damaged. Both were out of my control one happened with an older stranger male in a store and the other time was a supposed to be boyfriend. Then there was the crush I had that I never admitted because I was afraid of the rejection I would face from family and friends since it wasn’t what they would desire or expect for me. The only person who knew was the crush themselves because it was mutual. So I kept that hidden all the while feeling confused.

In college I didn’t really experience rejection from people I wanted to be friends with or guys, so that was a nice break. I finally felt able to be me and was trusting God to use me for his glory. Where I had a huge blow to my confidence and that overwhelming stomach turning feeling of rejection return was in the last place I expected to find it: “ a Christian” group. Many of the other leaders made it quite known they didn’t like me no matter how hard I tried to please them and show how committed I was to serving Christ. Since it was a Christian group this time and not just one person, I had the feeling that I really was a reject and I was ready to accept my defeat. I was about to give up on trying to live for Christ because if even Christians didn’t like me, who would? But God made sure that even when I was rejected by those Christians that he would bring Christians into my life who cherished me and reminded me of my worth.

Rejection is something I have had from certain family members too. And I get it from complete strangers. I have had strangers make racist remarks right in front of me before. Or like two weeks ago I had strangers make rude comments loudly on my hair. When it happens so much it is easy to accept that identity as our true identity. Then it becomes easy to view everything from that perspective. It becomes easy to think that God rejects us as well and that all of our loved ones feel that way. It becomes easy to withdraw from everyone out of fear and to worry that everyone will abandon us at one point. It becomes easy to give up. But please don’t give up because there is hope and what you are experiencing is lies. You do matter to your loved ones and friends. You are so valuable to God and not a reject. You were worth dying for don’t forget the ultimate sacrifice made because of how loved you are. Still as much as I know all of these truths, I still get sucked into the trap again and again. Each time I learn more about identifying when that spirit is attacking and I pray that Jesus take it away.

But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship. Galatians 4:4-5 NIV

Our only fight against this spirit is to pray that Jesus show us his truth, his love for us, and give us his strength to resist the attack. Turning to God’s word and reading verses on his love for us and our worth help to combat the lies. Also please share when you are struggling with doubt and rejection with those you trust because they will help remind you of how loved you are and pray for you too. Rejection is an awful thing and is part of this awful world but it isn’t our true identity. We are not rejects, we are beloved. When we accept Christ we become children of God and are adopted. We become sons and daughters of Christ, joint heirs with the creator of the entire universe. Adoption is the opposite of rejection. If we are God’s children, then we are the opposite of rejection. May God bless you and remember you are not a reject. You are so much more :) This struggle may be a lifelong one for me but the good news is that God is always waiting to remind me of my worth and lavish his love on me. The same is true for you friend.

For the Lord your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory. Deuteronomy 20:4 NIV

How priceless is your unfailing love, O God! People take refuge in the shadow of your wings. Psalm 36:7 NIV

Unfathomable Love: You are so loved

Something that I am still trying to wrap my head around is how much God loves me...you…. all of us. I’m not sure I will ever be able to grasp it it fully, at least in this lifetime. Today I want to remind you of how much you are cherished and encourage you. It has come to my attention that a lot of you have been pushed away by the church because you were “defined” by whatever sins you have committed. That is not what we are called to do as Christians. As a Christ follower myself, I will 100% admit that I am not perfect...not even close. I still sin even though I have been born again in Christ. Am I proud of that? Well no...but having a personal relationship with Jesus doesn’t make us suddenly perfect. Instead, it gives us hope that we can have everlasting life when we die. It also gives us a purpose and the ability to experience and freedom as we allow Christ to live through us. The gift of salvation is given to us because of how much God and Jesus love us. He didn’t have to send his son to die for our sins. He chose to because he loved each and every human he created so much that he wanted to make a way for us to be with him again, even after we chose to rebel.

But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:8 NIV

God loves us so much that even if we choose to disobey him, he will continue loving us. He loves us so much that he knows every hair on our head and desires a relationship with us. He cares for the sparrow, but he cares even more about humans who he made in his image. Nothing we do will ever make his love for us cease. He has a special plan and purpose for each of us, and he knows your every thought. God is not someone who is constantly looking down upon us ready to strike us down for every mistake we make. Rather, he desperately wants us to choose him so that he can give us a whole life full of joy, love, and success.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:7 NIV

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15

God’s love for me has changed me as a person. It has given me hope on days where I feel like giving up because my chronic illnesses are in full spin. His love gives me hope that nothing I ever do will revoke my salvation because all who call on the name of Jesus will be saved. His love remains when I have been hurt and rejected by others. His love is why I have been blessed with a great husband, cute dogs, a nice new teaching job, a new home…. He wouldn’t give those things to me if he were indifferent to me. He wouldn’t bless you with the wonderful things he has given you in life if he didn’t love you either. Maybe it’s giving you the opportunity to act on a fun TV show like Jane the Virgin :) or maybe it’s giving you the gift of being a teacher(like he has recently given me). Maybe it’s a really nice home that has a huge backyard, an adorable family, the ability to travel, delicious food. Trust me I love food so much, as does my favorite actress Yael Grobglas, and I can attest that delicious food is a sign that God loves us because he blessed us with food to enjoy. Every good thing we experience on this earth is because God loves us.

For there is no difference between Jew and Greek: The same Lord is Lord of all, and gives richly to all who call on Him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” Romans 10:13-14 NIV

Now you may be asking if God loves us why do innocent people die? Why is there disease and illness? While I cannot give you the answer on why a specific person or child may suffer, I can tell you that the root of disaster and heartache in this life is because of living in a fallen world. When we as humans chose our own fate in the garden of Eden, the entire world became corrupt with sin. Sin is ugly and sin affects every living thing. Sadly it means there will be some awful trials and tribulations in this world. It means there will be cruel people, death, and other terrible things. But.. when Jesus rose from the grave he gave us the ability to have triumph over sin. His gift is for ANYONE willing to receive it. All it takes is asking Jesus to be your Lord and Savior. It doesn’t take us cleaning ourselves up first or anything like that. I challenge you today to simply ask Jesus to be your Lord and Savior. Ask him to guide your life. And watch...he will be faithful. He will make you more like him. It’s a lifelong journey we aren’t perfect until we are in Heaven one day. But when we have Jesus as our Lord he works to make us more like him and to clean us up. 

I am so excited if you decide today to accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. If you have any questions or want prayer please let me know. Also if you aren’t ready yet, or are still unsure, know I still love you. You are so beloved, so precious. You are not defined by mistakes you have made or any sins you have committed. You are so much more. You are special and you are no mistake. You have a purpose and it will touch the lives of others. And please don’t let something someone may have said in judgement about you cause you to miss out on the blessings of God. There is no Christian who can stand and say they’ve never sinned or that they have quit sinning. We strive not to, but alas as us being humans we still do. No sin is bigger than another. You are precious. You are loved just as you are. Will you come to God today just as you are? Trust me, it’ll be worth it. I love you! God Bless you <3

What Having Epilepsy Feels Like

Hello everyone! One of the things I feel that God wants me to do is to help raise awareness for those who also struggle with epilepsy, like I do. I believe that each trial he lets me go through has a purpose and that he wants me to use it to help others who also go through the same.

Epilepsy is very misunderstood and it can lead people to feeling isolated, alone, and damaged. Some people have no one to turn to because their loved ones have gotten fed up with their seizures. Yes, I have heard countless stories from a support group I am a part of where people have had family disown them because them having seizures was a burden on them. Some have had their spouses give up on them, their friends get sick of them, etc. It really hurt my heart hearing those stories because what people who have chronic illness need more than anything is support, understand, and most importantly LOVE. I want to raise awareness so that people learn the truth about epilepsy and stand up for their loved ones, coworkers, peers, church family members, etc. who have the disorder.

Epilepsy is so much more than just someone convulsing. In fact, I do not have the type of seizure that involves convulsing with my eyes rolling back. There is always a chance I could have one of those, but just because I haven’t doesn’t make my epilepsy, or anyone else’s epilepsy, less valid. All forms are seizures are serious and are hard to deal with. I personally have myoclonic epilepsy and temporal lobe epilepsy. Myoclonic seizures involve the body spasming and jerking at random. Sometimes I completely lose control of my hands at random and drop whatever I am holding. It is embarrassing because I have spilt a drink all over the floor at get togethers before. Or the other day at my birthday dinner I dropped my phone loudly onto the table and almost dropped it into my piece of cake. Sometimes the spasms are just a few and a minor annoyance. Sometimes they hurt really bad. Sometimes it feels like someone is shooting fire inside of my muscles are they spasm against my will. Sometimes they last on and off for an entire day, leaving me exhausted and sore. Temporal lobe epilepsy is a type of epilepsy that affects one side of the brain, vs generalized seizure types like the myoclonic ones, which affect the entire brain. I have both the focal aware and focal unaware seizures. Everyone’s symptoms are slightly different with them, but what remains the same across everyone who has them is that they affect one’s emotions, cognitive ability, sensory processing, and have some sort of physical affect too, often times.

With my focal aware seizures I am fully alert and aware of my surroundings, but I will often get a phantom smell that isn’t there, often time the smell of electrical fire or burning plastic that lasts about 15-20 seconds. Once I felt a huge wave of air go up my stomach and choke me (stomach rising sensation is a very common tale tell sign of a seizure). Unfortunately, I usually get more of the focal unaware seizures where I am unable to move my body while it is happening or my lack of awareness to things around me is gone. During these seizures I usually have Deja Vu (which is when something is oddly familiar or my brain brings me back to relieve a memory as if i teleported to the place and was literally reliving the memory again) or Jamais Vu(Which is when everything feels strange and sometimes I forget where I am or who I am with). Jamais Vu is scary and freaky. Sometimes I have a combination of seizure activity. I have had where I briefly black out and everything spins and starts to go dark and my body starts to fall. This has resulted in a few falls, including two down my basement stairs :/.

One of my scariest seizures was one I had yesterday and I saw myself having it because I was in front of my bathroom mirror when it happened and couldn’t move for a minute or two. I had been feeling off for about an hour where I felt really spacey, unable to focus, and extremely tired prior to it. Then I had some myoclonic seizures which gave me the urge head to the restroom. As I walked I thought I was actually going to pass out and hit the floor. I wasn’t sure what was happening yet. As I entered the bathroom I noticed my face was super pale and within a second or two I was weightless, stuck staring at myself in the mirror. My eyes went from the normal shiny light brown to a dark black and they looked cloudy/unclear. I could feel and hear my heartbeat slow to where it was barely beating and as I looked at my face it looked weird for a bit and I felt like I was looking at a stranger briefly. I felt as if I weren’t me. Once it ended came the flush of emotion, fear and then sadness. Finally the color came back to my face and I was able to move again. Then I felt no longer like I was going to pass out, but still a bit tired. I took it easy the rest of the evening because that took it out of me. I just had to lay my head down on the couch and curled into a ball for the next 20 minutes trying to recuperate. I believe I missed Mikki (my service dog) alerting me because I was already spacey. I am still a bit scared when I think about how I actually got to me see myself have a seizure. Now I know how freaked out my husband was when he saw me have on on Christmas day. He said I was extremely pale and looked very sick.

Everyone who has epilepsy has different forms of it and it slightly varies from each person. Some have absence seizures where they lose awareness briefly and stare. Some have seizures where their head falls back or forward. To make it more complicated everyone’s seizure triggers vary too. I still don’t really know what makes mine worse some days, but I do know lack of sleep/ change in sleep pattern is a biggie and that stress doesn’t help. I also learned too much water with Splenda flavoring will trigger several. As far as what else causes them for me…. I have no idea.

A common misunderstanding with epilepsy is that everyone is born with it and that it starts early in their childhood. This is the case for some, but for those of us like me...I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 25. I had my first seizure when I was 23. Could I have had some before and missed it? Yes because I was misdiagnosed with panic disorder prior. I thought I had something more than panic attacks going on, but that was the first go to because epilepsy can lead to anxiety disorders and depression.

A few other misunderstandings that those of us with epilepsy want people to know is that: medicine doesn’t automatically make them go away, and that it affects our everyday lives in more ways than you will ever know. I have been on medicine for a few months now and while it was decreased my focal seizures a ton, I still have two or three a month. My myoclonic seizures are still not controlled at all. I have at least one day a week where I have them on and off the entire day and night, and I have them periodically throughout the week more days than not. For some medicine has made them seizure free. I hope and pray I can get to that point! It’s a trial and error thing where you try different medicines and treatments hoping to find the best solution. Some do surgery if they have a tumor or a part of the brain that needs repaired. For many we just want people to understand that it is a chronic illness and that we are trying our best to fix it as much as we can. Epilepsy is more than a seizure. It affects mood, our energy level, our cognitive ability(before a focal unaware seizure I become unable to think clearly and feel like my brain shut off). Some days we are great days where we feel almost normal and have a lot of energy. Some days getting out of bed is a chore. Please understand that if we cancel plans or have to call off of work it is for a reason. We hate whenever epilepsy gets in the way of our plans.

So, what do those of us with epilepsy want from our non epileptic loved ones and friends? We want compassion, even if you don’t understand what is happening to us. Please don’t abandon us. We aren’t less because we have seizures nor are we not as intelligent. The worst thing you could do is cut someone out of your life because they had a seizure around you are or could have one around you. Yes they’re scary to witness, but they’re even scarier for the person having them. Apart from our epilepsy, we are normal human being. Rather than fear us having a seizure learn from us and research on what to do if we have one. Don’t rush to call 911 because unless we can’t break free from a seizure after 10 minutes or unless we actually injure ourselves, we will be fine and there is nothing the hospital can do for us except cost us $$$$$. We also want you to listen to us when we need to vent about them. Just please lend a listening ear. Pray for us to find a way to control our seizures/ become seizure free. If we don’t find a way to be seizure free than pray that God give us strength to continue our journey. Teach people that epilepsy doesn’t discriminate and that there is no one that looks like they have epilepsy. For the nonbeliever pray that they accept Jesus as the Lord and Savior and pray that God give them strength. Let us know we aren’t a burden and that you will love us regardless. Remind us when we are struggling that God is near us and cares for us. He will give us strength to make it through the hard days and it won’t always be this way. One day we will live in a perfect restored earth with no more illness or sorrow and reign with Jesus.

2 Corinthians 4:16-19 NIV: 16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Also, please treat us like we are normal. Don’t coddle us and don’t feel that we can’t do normal activities. Many epileptics like myself work full time jobs and still lead a healthy social life. Sometimes we have to call of sick more often or cancel, but for the most part we live normal lives. Some of us cannot work and cannot go out as much because some people have seizures more frequently than others. Even those people want to be treated as normal, trust me. I have spoken with them as I have befriended members from our close knit epilepsy social media group. Help us work toward a cure so that we can be freed from this awful illness.

Epilepsy has caused my life to change quite a bit. My dream of finally getting my drivers license is not going to happen, at least until I can be seizure free for 6 months. I have to find a job that I love but also isn’t an overload. I can’t always just go out and enjoy my days. Sometimes I have to stay home and lay in bed all day, and that I hate. Sometimes I slur my speech and sound like a drunk person. Sometimes I drop stuff. But I am still me. I still love with all of my heart. This life is only temporary and in Heaven one day there will be no more disease or illness. While epilepsy is no fun, I could have something even worse. I have a personal relationship with the creator of the universe. God watches over me and provides for me. I have so blessed despite epilepsy and I will continue to share my love for Jesus with everyone because I desire people to have salvation and know the freedom that comes from knowing Christ. I still have dreams of becoming a college professor eventually, getting that PhD, and meeting cool people like Yael Grobglas. By the way, Yael played a character named Anezka on JTV that had epilepsy, which was cool to see some representation. I am always afraid I will have a seizure and push people away, but the longer I have epilepsy the more I realize the ones that matter will stick by your side. And it is my job to spread awareness so that epilepsy is seen as less taboo and more understood.

Romans 8:17-18 NIV: Now if we are children, then we are heirs--heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

Purpose

Purpose is a word that I keep coming back to, especially lately. What is my purpose? I know that my purpose is to serve God and Jesus and to give him glory. But it’s not that easy. What do I mean? Well I know what my purpose is but it is hard because I don’t always know what that looks like in my life. Everyday I am bombarded with society’s expectation of me as a woman, a person with a Master’s degree, and someone who is in their late 20s. Society tells me that I need to be skinny to be pretty and that my ethnic curly hair needs to be better managed. Heck I’ve even had a “friend” tell me, no more than one friend for that matter, that I am basically white except for my hair. The other friend told me she’d hate to be me and have my hair. Society tells me that I need to have my dream career yesterday and that I should be making at least 80k a year right now since I just completed my Master’s. If I don’t get that dream job soon then something is wrong me. Society and numerous people, both people I know and strangers, keep pushing the question of why I don’t have any kids yet. I’m 26 and have been married almost 3 years. It is time for me to have kids, time for me to have my life 100% together.

It’s not just society that pushes expectations on me. It’s the church as well. Many well meaning Christians have told me that anxiety isn’t real or that it is solely a sign of me not trusting Jesus enough. Some think that my illnesses are a result of me not trusting God to heal me because surely he will heal me of every ailment I ever have because he’s God and I’m his child. When people find out I have several chronic illnesses some are understanding, while some are quiet like crickets. Oh and if you bring up any ways that you struggle with sin you are often met with judgement and isolation. Some sins are seen as “worse” than others. Some things I wish pastors would touch on are often missed. If we expect to be a generation that revives our society and shows them Christ in love, then we need to be aware of everything going on in the world and be mindful of how we can be welcoming and loving toward the nonbeliever. Truth should always be shared in love and not in judgement.

When you’re my age you often feel hidden because you’re too old to “need” guidance but too “young” to have major problems. And it’s hard to not get confused when so many things are thrown at you. I am expected to know things like my sexual orientation (which is apparently not something as simple as heterosexual, bisexual, lesbian, etc.), where I stand on everything politically, etc. I believe the Bible is the Word of God and that is where I base my morals and decisions. However, I see many churches say that certain verses mean different things and things can get muddy. I’m going to be honest and really vulnerable for a minute because I really think people need to see a Christian admit their faults. Sometimes I get confused on what is right and wrong. Sometimes there are so many different things being thrown my way that I lose sight of what my purpose is / who it comes from and I feel like a failure.

For instance, I feel like I’m behind when I see so many people my age having kids and I don’t have any, with no plans to in the near future as God has told us not to worry about it right now. I feel like I need to have my dream job already because since I have a Master’s degree I need to be successful. If I don’t have kids then I at least need to have a fantastic job so that I am adequately contributing to society, and doing enough with my life. My current job isn’t enough because it’s not using my degree. I feel useless, like a burden because I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, PCOS, anxiety disorder, and sensory processing disorder. I hate that my body has seizures at random and some days I have like more than 20 along with a migraine so I can’t always make it to work. It’s hard to see myself as anything useful for God on those days when I feel like there is no point to my life. It’s hard not to see me as someone who desperately wants to succeed at her purpose but can’t because she has too many obstacles in the way. Or I am reminded of my shortcomings in the past that further cement that I will never achieve my purpose. Might as well give up, I’ve said before. And I hate letting down those I care about. I want nothing more than to make them happy 24/7. How can God really have a purpose for me to further his kingdom when I am such a mess?! I know many of you reading this have felt this way. I also know that my feelings are fleeting and that as a broken human being I can see things only through my human eyes sometimes instead of the eyes of the Lord.

It is when I am weak that God is strong. His gentle voice tells me that I am his beloved child and that he has great plans for me. He reminds me of scriptures that speak of truth and the fact that I do have a purpose beyond what I can see. God is working in the background. I do mean something to those around me and my life is having an impact on others. I am being used to bring him glory and there is a purpose in everything that happens in my life. I have to trust that God is the ultimate decider on what my purpose is and that what he has for me is perfect Here’s what God says when it comes to our purpose:

• Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails (Proverbs 19:21 NIV)
• But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations (Psalm 33:11 NIV)
• And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28 NIV)
• “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans for prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

As we can see from the verses above God is the ultimate decider of what our purpose is even when it is hard for us to see it, or we get confused. His purpose will be done, his will done and nothing can stop that. He has good for those who love him and not bad, so that means that even when we are uncertain we can know that good will come if we trust him. We can know that even if we are confused or stressed, or feeling like a failure...that God is bigger than those things and because he is the ruler of the universe his awesome purpose for us will be fulfilled. When I read these verses it gives me peace knowing that I don’t need to worry about my purpose because God has my back and he has yours too friend if you trust in him. Jesus died for our sins and when we accept that gift God has a purpose that is bigger and more amazing that we could ever imagine. It also takes the pressure off of trying to hard to figure out our purpose or to label ourselves because God will do that for us. Our label is beloved child of the King and our purpose is being unveiled little by little. 

I have come a long way in my journey of letting go of people pleasing and letting God work in me. I’ve been learning to accept who I am and love myself and it’s great. Along the way I have made some great friends and I have even had some cool opportunities such as interacting with my favorite actress Yael Grobglas from Israel. She encouraged me the other day actually when I mentioned an instance when I was belittled for being me. If you have ever felt like it is hard to discover your purpose friends, then please take note that God has the perfect plan and purpose for you. He is sovereign and while he doesn’t reveal it all to us at one time, he has it under control. Every single one of you matter and have a very unique and specific purpose. Each of you help make this world a better place and our creator knew that when he designed you. So dream big and trust God. I am working toward trusting him more and more each day, while also enjoying living in the moment. And I am pursuing my dreams too, including befriending an actress because why not? They’re people too lol. God bless you and I hope you know how precious you are <3

About me

Hello everyone <3 I realized that after a few years of blogging on and off for a few years, I never really talked who I am as a person. Of course I am a born again Christian saved by Christ’s grace, but I never talked about my interests, hobbies, etc. that make me “me” lol. So, here is a little about me section. First off, I just checked my blog viewer count and I need to say I am honored that I am just a few views away from getting 700 views on my most recent blogpost “When a Christian meets Chronic Illness”. I love that my story has touched and reached so many people. When I first started this blog I did one post and then didn’t blog again for another two years. I thought that my life wasn’t really worth sharing and that I wasn’t adequate enough, to be honest. Then one day I decided to share my testimony of how God worked in my life through my undergrad years at Ohio University and was amazed when I heard that my testimony touched the lives of others. It was then that God showed me that he wants me to use my voice to reach those who are hurting, lost, need encouragement, and just to be a blessing to anyone that comes my way. I doubted that I was good enough and that I would ever be someone that others could be inspired by. But alas, here we are and I am so grateful that God has begun to use me in a big way.

When I first started blogging I had no idea that I would have so many trials yet to come my way. I also couldn’t see ahead to see how each trial has shaped me into who God wants me to be as an individual, growing more to the likeness of Christ with time. Each trial was difficult and brought sorrow, but God also brought blessings through each one, as he promises that all things work out good for those who believe in Christ Jesus. I have had a lot of deaths these past few years, and several near death experiences for my father ,as well as myself. But despite that God is good and my dad is still here as am I. I may have lost a few pets and my uncle Steve, but I have gained some amazing animals too. I know that I will see my uncle Steve, Becca, Dusty, Luke Bryan, Marina, and Gingerale again and that helps me keep going, along with the peace God gives that surpasses all understanding. I may have quite a few chronic illnesses that have shaken my life up quite a bit, but they aren’t going to hold me back from being successful.

So where to start? My name is Angelica and I was born in Columbus, Ohio. I attended Ohio University for my Bachelors in Journalism in Athens, Ohio and then went on to complete a Masters in Organizational Communication (similar to a Masters in Business) online. I found my soulmate while working at the campus library my junior year of college and we got married June 24th 2016, the summer after finishing my Bachelors degree. Our wedding was a beautiful outdoor wedding at a golf course and I was surrounded by all my loved ones and friends. I can’t think of a day that I have ever been as happy or felt as loved as that day. We got married next to a gazebo by a creek and it was amazing. I love the summer, being outdoors, and water so it was perfect. Plus the sun was out <3. After getting married we were thrown into many trials but God lived up to his faithful promises and he provided every need. Now I am currently looking for a job with my Masters and my hubby is being promoted at his job. We have been very blessed indeed. I speak of the trials we have overcome and how God has been good to us in many of the blog posts I have made. I would love for you to check them out if you haven’t already :).

So what makes me, “me”? I love dogs so much, cats too, but dogs are my favorite because I love how biddable they are and that they can travel with me. Plus I am now allergic to cats so I can’t have them anymore. If I could spend an entire day telling you all about how to train a dog, what the best breed would be for you specifically, why my dogs are the best, and why Pomeranians are the absolute best breed trust me I would use the entire 24 hours. I love to take care of my three dogs Mabel( Mae Mae), Milky Way(Mikki), and Maui. Mae Mae is our long-haired chihuahua and is my husband’s dog through and through. Mikki and Maui are attached to my hip and our pomeranians. Mikki is my other heart dog after Luke, and she is extra special. For starters she is the sweetest dog and so smart. But also she is my service dog. She is able to alert and respond to rises in cortisol from my anxiety, she can alert to migraines, and she is my seizure alert dog too. She is truly amazing. Pomeranians are so smart, so gentle, so loving, and of course they’re cute! We did have four dogs at one point and I miss that number, so eventually we may just need one more floof.

Besides my love for dogs I love nature and summer is my favorite season. I enjoy taking walks and hikes with my husband and my dogs. I love late summer nights by a bonfire sharing smores and having deep conversations with people I am close to. I love people and I love connecting with people. I enjoy traveling, visiting new places and learning about other cultures. If I could I would travel the whole world! I also have a passion for writing(I am sure you couldn’t tell) and teaching. My goal is to be a college professor and go for my PhD, and I hope to get my feet wet with teaching very soon. I enjoy encouraging others and helping others become the best they can be. I want others to see how good Jesus has been to me and how much Jesus loves them and wants to bless them too. I want to share joy with others. Winter is a really hard season for me because it is so dark and dreary. When spring arrives I can feel myself instantly feel more at peace and inspired by God’s beauty everywhere. Everything points to our marvelous creator, who creates masterpieces.

I enjoy music a lot! My favorite genres are Smooth Jazz, Bossa Nova, and Country, but EDM has some good genres too. There is no instrument more beautiful and soothing than the acoustic guitar. My husband used to joke that I don’t watch enough TV but I’ve been glued to it since I accidentally discovered a drama telenovela comedy Jane the Virgin. I really love romances and drama, so I guess it’s right up my ally haha. Petra, played by Yael Grobglas is the best character on the show. She may be a “villain” at first but once I understand her and see her growth to become a better person I was hooked. Oh and the actress is such as lovely person too. She is from Israel and she is a sweetie. I really would love to meet her one day because I feel like she and I have a lot and common and who wouldn’t want to meet their favorite actor or actress haha. So you could say I love to dream and I have big goals and dreams. But you know what? I got her to reply to a tweet of mine and she read one of my blog posts I sent her, so I really believe that dreams can come true.

Lastly, I have several chronic illnesses, many that didn’t show themselves until 2 or so years ago. I have epilepsy, chronic migraines, sensory processing disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and Poly Ovarian Cystic Disease. These all have been hard to deal with at times and some days I feel like such a failure. But God carries me through my trials with them and he has blessed me with the opportunity to encourage each of you who go through chronic illnesses, death, hardships, etc. If my hard times can help someone else see that God will bring them through their own hardships. If my life stories and experiences can help someone else give their life to Jesus by asking him to be their Lord and Savior. If my blog can encourage and bless others, than I am blessed and so happy that God has chosen to use me, someone who is broken and a mess, yet he still loves me. Thank you all for your love, support, and for reading. May God bless you abundantly <3. I am going to be 26 in a few days and my heart is full!